INFINITE POSSIBILITIES, ONE CONCLUSION
ReVival returns to see senior interviewer Matt Mills standing next to Sid Phillips. Sid, wearing a brown poncho over his usual black and blue singlet, stands there with his hands on his hips. Conspicuous by their absence are Sid’s tag team partner, Joe Fontaine, and the team’s manager, Baron von Blackberry. Yes, he is their manager, because he’s the sane one of the three. We’re not joking.
Matt Mills: Ladies and gentlemen, joining me here right before his first actual match in PRIME is Sid Phillips! Tonight, Sid, you’re going up against the team of Nate Colton and Nathan Filmix, but…
Matt looks around.
Matt Mills: Sid, where’s your tag team partner?
As if on cue, a hand taps Matt from behind. The camera pans over. Standing there with a goofball grin on his face and wearing a bedazzled poncho of his own is Joe Fontaine.
Joe Fontaine: Hey there, Millsy, my man! Lookin’ fly like usual, I see.
He pats Matt on the head as he takes his place by Sid’s side. Let’s all forget the fact that Matt easily had three inches and fifty pounds on the poor guy. Matt, the consummate professional that he is, decides to simply ignore it.
Matt Mills: Joe, we’re all wondering. How are you still alive?
Joe Fontaine: What do you mean?
Matt Mills: I mean, last week, when the Winds of Change were eliminated from Survivor, plenty of people were questioning if you were even alive at all. You appeared to have met an untimely end at the… uh, hands? Is hands the word? The “hands” of El Hijo del Super Cool Guy.
At the mere mention of the name of King Blueberry’s tag team partner, Joe whirls around, literally jumping into the air in a 360 degree spin. He lands with a crouch, and holds his hands out with his palms close to the ground.
Joe Fontaine: DON’T. SAY. THAT. NAME!
Sid rolls his eyes, and pulls Joe away from Mills. He looks at the senior interviewer with steely eyes, the look of a man who doesn’t want to deal with Joe’s horsing around.
Sid Phillips: Listen to yourself, Matt. Don’t you think that whole question was insane? The one you just said? He’s obviously alive.
Joe Fontaine: Yeah!
Sid Phillips: I mean, I don’t know how he’s alive either…
Joe Fontaine: Hey!
Sid Phillips: …But the point is, he’s alive, and we’re alive, and we’re ready for our first match in PRIME.
Matt Mills: Okay. Good. I guess that’s good. Now, Nathan Filmix and Nate Colton are known for their acumen within the professional wrestling ring, so what strategies have you developed to counteract that?
Sid genuinely looks puzzled at the question. He takes a glance towards Joe, who simply shrugs his shoulders. So Sid turns to Matt, and smirks a little.
Sid Phillips: Strategy? Okay. Here’s a strategy for you. You know how when you get in the ring, there’s a wealth of possibilities out there? Anything can happen, right? That’s true for a lot of guys in the locker room. It’s true for Filmix and Colton. We all saw them win last week. But with me, and only me, there’s but one inevitability.
Sid points a finger at himself.
Sid Phillips: I, alone, can turn every infinite possibility that could happen in that ring into a single inevitable conclusion… and that conclusion is powerbombs.
Matt Mills starts to move the microphone back to his own lips to ask another question, but Sid grabs the microphone with Mills’ hand still on it, and pulls it back towards himself. He isn’t done talking.
Sid Phillips: Let me tell you something, Mills. I’m going to walk into that ring. I’m going to step through the ropes. And then when the bell rings, I’m going to powerbomb Filmix. I’m going to powerbomb Colton. I’m going to pick up the broken corpse of Filmix, and then I’m going to powerbomb him on top of Colton. I might even feel frisky and try powerbombing both of them at the same time. I’m going to powerbomb the two of them until their bones inside their bodies are dust, then I’m going to powerbomb the gelatinous, limp garbage that remains until they’re pudding, and then I’ll powerbomb the pudding for good measure.
There is a long pause, as Sid’s mad ramblings about powerbombs sink in for the other two people in the room. Then Joe pats Sid on the shoulder and beams proudly.
Joe Fontaine: And my strategy – thanks for asking for my opinion, by the way – is to be incredibly fabulous and dazzle everyone with my sick moves!
No one in the room believes that Joe is dazzling anyone with any sick moves, because it’s very difficult to take a man who keeps getting his ass kicked by an inanimate object seriously. Matt frees his arm from Sid, and moves his microphone to his lips.
Matt Mills: Mr. Fontaine, while everyone in PRIME is well aware of Sid’s, uh… talent for powerbombs, we haven’t seen a whole lot of your skill in the ring yet. In fact, you’ve spent most of your appearances so far taking Canadian Destroyers from… a mannequin.
Joe Fontaine: Hey, man, don’t say the M-word around me. Really kinda brings my mood down, you know? But I mean, think about it. Maybe I’ve been holding back this whole time. Maybe my wrestling skills don’t translate well to farcical games of chance! You don’t know that. I’m full of surprises. Like a Kinder egg. Except cooler, and not at risk of being a victim of banditry. I’m like a Kinder, uh… treasure chest! Yeah!
Mills goes to ask another question, because a lot of what Joe Fontaine said happens to be incredibly questionable. However, before he’s able to get a single word out, he is interrupted by a maniacal laughter.
Everyone knows whose maniacal laughter this is.
Baron von Blackberry: AHAHAHA! MILLS, YOU FOOL! How DARE you conduct an interview with my minions without me, the great and mighty and ABSOLUTELY PERFECT Baron von Blackberry! Were it not for the laws of this foreign land, I would DESTROY you for such careless insolence!
When the camera pans towards Blackberry, he is… not quite dressed as he usually would be. On the top of his blackberry-masked head, he’s wearing an ill-fitting red New York Yankees baseball cap. Backwards. He’s also wearing a big, bulky sports jacket over the top of his lab coat.
Even Matt Mills, consummate professional that he is, is taken aback by what Blackberry is wearing.
Matt Mills: Mr. von Blackberry… what… What are you wearing?
Baron von Blackberry: Oh, this? Let me tell you something. This is an idea that came into this world as a reject. Look into these eyes.
Matt Mills: I can’t see your eyes.
Baron von Blackberry: SILENCE!
Mills is physically taken aback by the volume of Blackberry’s decree of silence.
Baron von Blackberry: Anyway, as you have clearly asked for our opinions on my minions’ opponents, allow me to elucidate my own opinions on the matter.
Matt shrugs, and properly points the microphone towards Blackberry.
Baron von Blackberry: I admit that Nate Colton is a fine specimen of a man, fit for all manner of curious scientific experiments, and certainly attractive to the eyes of many women. Especially Peggy. Hello, Peggy, I hope you’re doing well. As for Nathan Filmix… may he leap naked into a pit of cacti and angry porcupines while marinated in orange juice! Regardless, all that matters is that my minions here are doing this all for the nookie.
Joe Fontaine: Uh, the nookie?
Baron von Blackberry: Indeed. The prophet known as Fred Durst came into Fruitsylvania with a vision, extolling the virtues of doing it all for the nookie, so that your enemies can take a cookie and stick it up their YEAH. Prophet Durst’s words were recorded in his two great religious texts – Significant Other and Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water.
There is an even longer pause as Blackberry’s mouth contorts in a grimace, actively regretting the things he is saying.
Baron von Blackberry: …I should never again make bets with Jared Blueberry.
After another long pause, Blackberry simply turns on his heel and walks away, leaving Joe and Sid to stand there awkwardly. The two look at each other and then follow Blackberry out, heading for the ring.
Matt Mills: Richard, Nick, um… back to you guys.
Internally, Mills is probably wondering if it’s time for a pay raise. In any case, it’s now time for the next match. Featuring all of these bozos!