INTENSE TITLE MATCH – PIER SIX BRAWL: ANNA DANIELS (c) vs. FLAMBERGE
We don’t cut back to the arena, because the next match isn’t actually going to happen there. No, the scene we see after Joe, Sid, and FLAMBERGE do their thing is that of Anna Daniels.
The Time Lord. The Muse. The PRIME Intense Champion.
She walks, but not towards the ring. The ring matters little when the match you’re about to participate in requires no ring. Just a humble pier, where violence shall be meted.
The path that Daniels walks has always been tumultuous.
Just one month ago, she fought – not wrestled, fought – to take the Intense Championship from the grasp of the monstrous Paxton Ray. It had been a match that few thought Daniels could win. Too big, too powerful, too dangerous, too monstrous. Those are all ways to describe Ray, the man who made himself infamous by crippling his own mentor just a year ago at UltraViolence. And yet, Daniels overcame. She proved that she’s as dangerous as anyone can be in PRIME. Fuck all y’all.
But though the path she walks on is tumultuous, she has yet to arrive at her destination.
One man who has is FLAMBERGE.
Rolling up in his FLAMBOrghini, Le Protagoniste arrives on the scene. His new theme music – “Ooh La La” by Run The Jewels – is pounding bass as he violates several noise ordnances without a single fuck to spare. He only knows he’s where he’s supposed to be because Elvis Nixon is standing by, the man who’s here only to call for the match to stop when there’s a winner. He sits in his beautiful car that he probably shouldn’t be driving and debates for a moment whether he should keep driving and run him over.
Nah. Maybe later. He has stupid hair, though.
FLAMBERGE gets out of the vehicle, lips smacking from his chewing gum. He looks for all the world like a man who’s here to pick up some milk while trying to haggle down its price. The milk in this analogy is the Intense championship and he’s about to have a very polite disagreement with the store owner of the PRIMEporium. The type of polite disagreements that might involve trying to choke someone unconscious.
Nick Stuart: We’re seeing FLAMBERGE out at the pier for the Intense championship match, and we understand that the champion is on her way now.
Richard Parker: Two of the most dangerous human beings in all of PRIME Wrestling. One of them collects necks, the other one collects souls. I’m not sure what the market value of either of those things are.
Nick Stuart: I think if anyone knows, it’d be Anna Daniels.
Richard Parker: She gave me a good deal on my Farthington merch!
Nick Stuart: Great.
The camera cuts back to Anna Daniels as she continues to make her leisurely walk towards the pier where her match will take place. The camera cuts to a side view as she walks past a sign post… and disappears behind it.
We cut back to the pier, and Anna Daniels is just there. Her theme music isn’t even playing (not that you’d be able to hear it considering that FLAMBERGE left his goddamn radio on like the French lizard delinquent he is). Her Intense championship is held in one hand. Her other hand is clinched into a fist. She’s here to fight.
Of course, we needed some announcements, but Vince Howard is still in the arena. That means that we need a special guest pier announcer for the occasion. This announcer gets his own entrance, walking onto the pier to a loud ovation from the gathered fans that have the cool tickets that say that they get to watch this mayhem unfold. This announcer usually comes out to a version of “Shout at the Devil” where all of the lyrics, every single one of them, is replaced with one word. That word is “shark”.
That’s because this announcer is also a shark.
His name is Nishiki Nanakusa, better known as Lord Kurosame-sama, and he is the most qualified “pierside announcer” that anyone in PRIME knows. Unfortunately. The King Invoking Shark Style stands there with his shark facepaint and black T-shirt depicting his own shark face, emblazoned with the words “K.I.S.S. ME, FOR I AM SHARK”. Lord Kurosame-sama smiles for the camera – it’s hard not to when your whole jawline is painted like a shark’s mouth – and proceeds with his introductions.
Lord Kurosame-sama: Shark sharktest is sharkuled for one shark! Sharkiducing first, from Sharksbourg, Shark France! Sharking in at two hundred and six sharks… SHAAAAAARKBERGE!!!
If you want to parse what any of that meant, be my guest.
Even FLAMBERGE looks in the direction of the shark with bemusement, as though wondering if he could get a two-for-one deal on the necks he’s collecting tonight. What’s the going rate for shark necks? Wait. Sharks aren’t really supposed to have necks.
Lord Kurosame-sama: His sharkponent! From Shark Perdition in Sharkefrey! Sharking in at one hundred and thirty-five sharks! SHAAAAARK! SHARKIELS!
Again, this is the quality you get when you decide to hire Lord Kurosame-sama as your special guest pier announcer instead of one of the legions of professional wrestling pirates. Maybe they don’t know the way from Chicago.
Nick Stuart: We thank Lord Kurosame-sama for his service here tonight, swimming here all the way from Sapporo to be with us tonight.
Richard Parker: Nick doesn’t speak for me.
FLAMBERGE and Anna Daniels approach one another, with Elvis Nixon standing between them being the only reason they aren’t already attempting to punch one another. Not that Elvis could stop either of them, no matter how jacked he looks, but at least some semblance of decorum is being observed by the two alien pro wrestlers (as we all know, FLAMBERGE is from Space France).
Daniels hands the Intense Championship belt to Nixon, who holds it up for everyone to see. Then he hands it off to, for the lack of anyone better to hand it off to, Lord Kurosame-sama for safekeeping.
Richard Parker: Please don’t hand anything to the shark. Jesus.
After a few moments where Lord Kurosame-sama passes the belt to another PRIME official for even safer keeping, Nixon calls for the match to begin.
The timekeeper in PetCo Park gets word to ring the bell for those watching on video screens.
FLAMBERGE does not start fighting Anna Daniels. In fact, he holds up a hand as though asking her to wait. Daniels wants to start doing the thing where she shouts “FUCK YOUR HEAD” and then, in fact, starts fucking heads by kicking them excruciatingly hard. However, for the moment, she wants to see where this goes.
Where this goes is that instead of FLAMBERGE starting the fight, the French Phenom turns and makes a beeline for Lord Kurosame-sama. The shark does not realize what’s coming for him until he’s blasted with an uppercut that might better belong anti-airing silver-ranked idiots in Street Fighter than in a professional wrestling scenario. The uppercut sends Kurosame flying backwards, over the safety railing, and into the San Diego Bay. Only bubbles remain where the shark lands, never to be seen again (or until he miraculously appears on the next Bang! show).
Nick Stuart: Uh, what was that about!?
Richard Parker: He deserved it.
If you’re wondering, and I’m sure you are, that happened because lizards and sharks are natural enemies. Can’t fight it, it’s science.
The fans gathered at the pier are shocked by what’s just happened. Many start booing FLAMBERGE as he cockily walks back over to where Daniels is waiting for him. Daniels, for her part, is relatively amused by what just transpired. The pair have a strange kinship. A healthy respect for one another. It’s not going to stop them from face-punching each other, but there is at least some semblance of professionalism about it.
Also, Anna probably doesn’t like the shark.
FLAMBERGE nods to Anna. Anna nods back.
And then they start punching each other like one of them is Don Frye and the other one is Yoshihiro Takayama.
Nick Stuart: And it begins! These two are battling it out here on the San Diego Pier!
Richard Parker: Don’t talk like you aren’t just watching this from the comfort and safety of a monitor, like I am. I’m safe here. This is my happy place where Anna Daniels can’t hurt me. She kinda scares me.
FLAMBERGE, the bigger and stronger of the two, gains the upper hand in the Frye-Takayama reenactment, and Daniels backs off temporarily. He goes to press his advantage, only for Daniels to lunge forth and hit FLAMBERGE in the face with a headbutt. Even the French Phenom isn’t expecting that one, and he backs off, stumbling back in the direction of the FLAMBOrghini.
Which, as you already know from the cacophonous rap, is still blasting “Ooh La La” on an infinite loop. Gotta say, bold of FLAMBERGE to leave the FLAMBOrghini running while he decides to fist fight a Time Lord and all of her multitudes.
Daniels stalks after him, and grabs him by the back of his head before committing vehicular homicide in reverse, attempting to bludgeon the FLAMBOrghini to death with FLAMBERGE’s head. She does this twice, but a third attempt is blocked by FLAMBERGE, who answers by slamming Daniels’ head against the hood of the luxury car. The momentum puts Daniels halfway on top of the vehicle, so FLAMBERGE decides to climb up on top of the hood himself. He drags Daniels up, and for a few terrifying moments, it looks like he’s going to suplex her off of the hood and onto the concrete pier.
Daniels fights him for it, though. A headbutt rocks FLAMBO, and because of the poor footing, he slips off. Daniels stands, sets her feet, and comes flying off of the hood of the car with a knee to the face! FLAMBERGE spins around from the impact, and falls to his knees in front of the car. The headlights shine upon him as Daniels lets out a warcry (that can’t really be heard because Sweet Jesus FLAMBERGE, turn down the volume).
“FUCK YOUR HEAD!”
The kick comes screaming at FLAMBERGE’s head, who only barely dodges it. He’s put into a retreat, though, unable to take advantage of making Daniels whiff.
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure FLAMBERGE was expecting Daniels fighting back like this.
Richard Parker: He should’ve! She shouts what she’s going to do to your head and then she does it! And it’s not the good connotations of fucking one’s head, either!
I don’t want to know what Richard thinks the good connotations of that is. Let’s just go back to the action.
FLAMBERGE staggers away from his FLAMBOrghini in a haze, and Daniels stalks after him ready to do terrible things to his skull. The crowd, gathered to watch this match from a safe distance, realizes that maybe it’s not such a safe distance when FLAMBERGE reaches them and Daniels catches up. FLAMBERGE turns and hits Daniels with a back elbow, which rocks the Time Lord and sends her to the ground on all fours. You could’ve heard the smack from it if it hadn’t been for the noise pollution from FLAMBO’s ride.
FLAMBERGE turns and grabs Daniels by her hair. He looks around, and spots a food truck. He drags her over and then shoves her into the side of the truck. The line formed to order food scatters as the French Phenom keys up several kicks to Daniels’ chest, causing her to slide down into a seated position. FLAMBERGE walks some distance away, and then builds up a head of steam and tries to crush Daniels’ head between the food truck and said knee.
Daniels moves, though.
FLAMBERGE falls to the ground clutching his knee. Not in the habit of wearing kneepads, Le Protagoniste is definitely not happy about what just happened.
Richard Parker: That can’t feel good!
No shit, Sherlock.
Daniels gets up and walks back towards the FLAMBOrghini, because none of us are done with the FLAMBOrghini and it isn’t done with any of us. Look at it, all smug and French, just like its owner. Let’s forget that Lamborghinis are Italian for a moment when I say that. Thank you. I appreciate it. How’s everyone doing, anyway? It’s hard out here at the San Diego Pier.
Anyhoodle, on her way towards the FLAMBOrghini, Daniels knocks over a large wooden sign meant to direct the crowd to watch this madness unfold. This places it on a lean against the guardrail. With that done, Daniels climbs into the FLAMBOrghini, puts it into gear, and backs up. FLAMBERGE, angry that his ride is getting commandeered by someone who likely doesn’t have a license to drive his car, limps towards the FLAMBOrghini with a look in his eyes that suggests that he might actually try to collect his own car’s neck if it comes for him.
Richard Parker: Hey, come on! That’s a vintage FLAMBOrghini! One of a kind!
As she stops backing it up, Daniels finally places what the smell inside the FLAMBOrghini is. It’s the smell of hundreds of pounds of pennies (and one nickel). She hesitates, possibly consulting the multitudes about the exact quantity of pennies, before she puts the vehicle into drive and sends the FLAMBOrghini towards its owner.
A lot of things happen at once.
First of all, the crowd scatters. Because oh shit, that car’s coming their way and Anna Daniels doesn’t seem to have a vested interest in the health and safety of people in this doomed ‘verse. Second, FLAMBERGE recognizes that his human body (in the process of becoming a lizard) versus cold, unfeeling steel engine is possibly one of the few matchups in PRIME he can’t win, and gets the fuck out of the way. Third, Daniels isn’t actually in the vehicle any more. She’s placed something on the accelerator to keep it going. Fourth, that makeshift ramp is perfectly capable of, if only for a few moments, supporting the weight of a luxury car.
Fifth, and most important, the FLAMBOrghini is neither aerodynamic, nor is it…
Nick Stuart: THE FLAMBORGHINI JUST JUMPED THE GUARDRAIL, AND IT’S IN THE BAY!
Richard Parker: NO! THINK OF HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS! IT COSTS MORE THAN YOUR SALARY! AND MINE!
So, on the bright side, that’s one way to get the penny smell out of the FLAMBOrghini.
The French flag has three colors, but FLAMBERGE only sees the rightmost one right now. He ignores the crowd freaking out over what just transpired. He doesn’t even think about the kind of trouble PRIME might get over this incident. He’s not even sure he’d let go if he gets Anna’s neck. Before, this was just fun and games. Now? Now there might not be a power in this ‘verse that can help the Intense Champion.
His war music is drowned as the FLAMBOrghini slowly sinks into the bay, but FLAMBERGE marches towards Daniels as though the war’s only just begun. FLAMBERGE meets Daniels with a knee to the gut faster than even she can react, and then takes her down with a snapmare and starts uncorking elbows on the side of her head. Elvis Nixon, who’d barely avoided taking a FLAMBOrghini to the face himself, isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do in this situation. He can’t exactly stop FLAMBO, and FLAMBO won’t exactly stop. Can’t stop, won’t stop, non-stop, elbows into the night. It’s a violence party!
Midway into the party, though, Anna Daniels holds up a middle finger for FLAMBERGE to see. The universal sign of “fuck you”. The red in FLAMBERGE’s vision grows deeper, and he pours on the elbows. It blinds him to Daniels leaning away from the elbows to the point that she could scissor FLAMBERGE’s head with her legs and flip him over and off of her.
FLAMBERGE gets to his feet quickly, but being blinded by his rage, he fails to see Daniels’ kick coming until it’s already hit him in the head.
The crowd witnessing this madness shouts, in glorious unison, “FUCK YOUR HEAD!”
Nick Stuart: Enzuigiri from Daniels!
Richard Parker: Why are you still calling this like it’s a normal match!? There was an attempted homicide by vehicle, and then an actual vehicle was homicided!
That’s not a goddamn word, Richard.
FLAMBERGE falls to the ground, and Daniels quickly tries to snatch victory with a cover. However, Elvis Nixon only calls a two count before the French Phenom is able to get his shoulder up. Daniels stands and lines FLAMBERGE up for what might have been the Interrobang – the move that won her the Intense championship to begin with.
However, FLAMBERGE blocks it with his forearm and then hits Daniels with another elbow.
He backs off, looking for something to swing at the Intense champion. He finds it in a waste bin, which he picks up and hurls in her direction, unheeding of whether there’s anything inside of it or not. Daniels takes the hit and goes flying backwards, in the direction of the guardrails separating the pier from the ocean. With Anna’s back in the guardrail, FLAMBERGE tees off on her with more elbows.
He then does the very reasonable thing and tries to throw her over the guardrail and into the ocean.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE is trying to throw Anna Daniels into the ocean, but she’s fighting him off!
Richard Parker: I don’t think you can win the Intense Championship if the champion drowns in the San Diego Bay, but I don’t make the rules here.
Daniels does in fact go over the guardrail, but she ably lands on the other side and smashes FLAMBERGE with her elbow when he tries to shove her off. It’s a good thing, too, we haven’t yet discounted the notion that Anna Daniels hasn’t eaten a Devil Fruit to gain tremendous powers at the cost of her ability to swim.
Anna then treats the guardrail like they’re ropes. She jumps on top of them, facing away from FLAMBERGE, and then leaps off with a spin. She catches his head and then finishes the 720 DDT that takes FLAMBERGE down!
The crowd loves it.
Nick Stuart: 720 DDT FROM DANIELS! INTO THE COVER!
Elvis Nixon is right there.
FLAMBERGE gets his shoulder up from the asphalt, somehow, and he’s trying very much to find his footing again. Daniels is relentless, though, and kicks him several times while he’s down. However, she gets uncharacteristically overzealous at all of the violence, and FLAMBERGE trips her up when she tries to punt him in the head.
He crawls away until he’s able to stand, and staggers towards the crowd. The crowd parts like the Red Sea as FLAMBERGE leads Anna Daniels on a short pursuit towards another part of the pier. This one has boats. When Daniels catches up, she does so by putting a flying knee in FLAMBERGE’s back that sends him in a tumble to the ground.
The Intense Champion pulls FLAMBERGE up to his feet and slams his head into a park bench. She goes to do it again, but FLAMBERGE swiftly buries an elbow in her gut and does it back to her. He takes a step back and then aims his Axe Kick at her head while she’s down on the bench, and she only narrowly avoids what would’ve been a surefire title loss by the skin of her teeth.
Daniels puts her back to the guardrail, and kicks FLAMBERGE in the gut when he goes after her. Behind her, there’s a pier that leads to a few docked boats. FLAMBERGE is not deterred by the kick, and clotheslines her over the guardrail and out onto the pier behind it. He then climbs over to join her out there. As the cameraman struggles to follow them, his camera catches sight of the most prominent of the boats on the pier.
It has a name written on it: “Beauregard”.
Nick Stuart: Oh no.
Richard Parker: Uh oh. It can’t be the same guy. Can it?
Nick Stuart: It probably isn’t a coincidence.
Daniels and FLAMBERGE meet again on the pier and start doing the Frye-Takayama punches again. This time, Daniels breaks it up with another headbutt, sending FLAMBERGE onto the deck of the Beauregard ship. Daniels follows after him, with Elvis Nixon following suit.
It’s here when Daniels makes a mistake. Anna Daniels does not account for what’s on the ship when she enters it. She never accounts that FLAMBERGE would grab a broom. She never accounts that he would swing it at her like a baseball bat. She never accounts getting it with the pole right in the side of her neck.
So, it stuns her, and sends her into a nearby table with a radio set on it. The radio starts up, and suddenly, the soundtrack is the very obvious Lonely Island song for this situation. You know the one. What, is this 2009?
Richard Parker: I don’t think we have the rights to that song.
Nick Stuart: Not yet, no.
Richard Parker: …Yet?
Daniels gets up, but FLAMBERGE comes after her with just his fists and feet. Knowing that she needs something here, she fires off the Interrobang again.
FLAMBERGE catches the leg as it makes contact with his shoulder, which absorbs the impact. Daniels has only a moment to realize what’s coming before FLAMBERGE drags her into a suplex that nearly lands her on her head in the boat!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think we’ve ever had a moment in the history of PRIME where someone gets suplexed into a boat, but here we are!
Daniels is rocked, and barely even gets into a seated position before FLAMBERGE springs on top of her. Within a moment, she’s ensnared in the clutches of Marie Antoinette!
Nick Stuart: MARIE ANTOINETTE! THIS COULD BE OVER!
The hold is somewhat awkwardly applied. Daniels is still seated, and FLAMBERGE doesn’t quite have the leverage he wants yet as Daniels is able to prevent FLAMBERGE from sitting in on it. It allows Daniels a fighting chance. It gives her hope in a hopeless situation.
She throws elbows and fists into FLAMBERGE’s guts. A year ago, this might’ve stopped him. A year ago, the French Phenom seemed mortal. But unfortunately for the Time Lord, FLAMBERGE is more lizard than man, now. He cranks the hold. He falls into a seated position. Daniels fades, and goes limp.
Elvis Nixon has seen enough, and he quickly moves to force FLAMBERGE to release the hold. There’s no way to call for a bell where he is, but the timekeeper in PetCo Park rings the bell instead.
DING DING DING
And so, La Madame Guillotine soon claims another.
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE HAS DONE IT!
Richard Parker: Another neck for the mantle!
We lost our special guest pierside announcer, so we’ll have to make do with Vince Howard for the official word.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen… the winner of this match, and NEWWWWWWWWWW PRIME INTENSE CHAMPION! FLAAAAAAAAAAAMBERRRRRRGEEEEE!!!
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE has been almost unstoppable since last year’s UltraViolence, and now he’s claimed another championship here in PRIME!
Richard Parker: It’s what he deserves after what happened to the FLAMBOrghini.
FLAMBERGE stands over Anna Daniels, and is handed the Intense Championship. He looks like a man who just had a bad encounter with a buzzsaw, but a man who still successfully built his model house with all of the best glue. He didn’t beat Anna Daniels so much as he survived her.
But now, Le Protagoniste is now Le Champion Intense.