IS IT REALLY SAFE?
Event: ReVival 28
Event Date: 05/19/2023
IS IT REALLY SAFE?
The cameras cut from the ring to the entrance of the Ball Arena. The door opens, but no one walks through immediately.
Voice: Go ahead, walk in!
With great trepidation, the small frame of one Craig Hamburgers, junior-junior wrestling reporter extraordinaire, shuffles into the building. As soon as he broaches the arena corridor completely, his chaperone for the evening, one Anglo Luchador, follows him in. Dressed in cargo shorts, the new Nate Colton t-shirt from the PRIMEporium, and, of course, his lucha mask, he walks slowly behind the young lad with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
Craig Hamburgers: hello yes this is so exciting, mr. luchador. i always wanted to be backstage at a wrestling show but my dad never lets me because of tigers and reapers and also no one asked me to go backstage at a wrestling show before, thank you.
TAL: Don’t worry, kid. No tigers here, and ever since GREAT SCOTT went back to his home planet, the fauna backstage here has gone down 100 percent. Besides, I heard Helen’s a real sweetheart as long as you don’t get on the Kraken’s bad side.
They walk down the hallway while conversing, although Craig is hesitant given the fact he’s a kid who has rarely been backstage at a big wrestling show before.
Craig Hamburgers: what kind of danger animals live at prime?
TAL: Look, if I didn’t think it was safe, I wouldn’t have vouched for this visit. When I saw that you had written tons of letters to the PRIME offices to have a tour backstage, well, I felt like it would be a great opportunity to get a young fan a real taste of how the soup gets made back here.
Craig Hamburgers: wait who makes soup back here, can i have some but only if it’s chicken noodle?
The luchador grabs Craig by the shoulder as they reach their destination, a locker room.
TAL: No, son, that’s just an expression. But it’s good that you have such an interest. I’m going to show you the locker room and other various things before I hand you off to some producers to show you the technical side while I get ready for my match later. Are you thinking about staying on the journalist track?
Craig Hamburgers: oh yeah i’ve always been a almost detective like my cousin chris is because we hamburgers and chickentenders gotta have all the facts all the time, like one time i caught my mommy and daddy wrestling in their room and i had so many…
The luchador drops his bag in secondhand embarrassment.
TAL: Hey! Yeah, that is something to ask a lot of questions about, huh, well, uh, hey!
He picks his bag up and puts it in the stall with his name labeled on it.
TAL: I know what we can do! Why don’t we go check out the PRIMEporium. Anna Daniels has so many cool things, not just shirts, but maybe you can ask them about the ins and outs of marketing merchandise for the hard-working wrestlers here on the roster. I mean, journalism isn’t the only track you can take if you want to be in wrestling without being a wrestler.
They approach the door, but the luchador finds that he can’t open it.
TAL: That’s weird. These doors lock from the inside out, and the lock isn’t on. What the hell…
He jiggles the handle and pulls on the door again, but it won’t come open, almost as if there were restraints put on it from the outside.
TAL: C’mon, now’s not the time for ribs. Loudly Very funny, Timo. Play a prank on your buddy while he’s got the junior reporter with him. Let me out.
There’s no answer from the outside.
TAL: Okay, so it’s not Timo. Who is it? Nate doesn’t pull shit like this.
Craig puts his hands over his ears.
Craig Hamburgers: dad says you can’t say shid get the earmuffs!
TAL: Sorry kid, just lost myself for a moment.
He slams his fist against the door a few more times.
TAL: FUUU-uh-fudge. Yeah, FUDGE! Who’s out there? C’mon I got a kid here with me, one with an INSANELY overprotective father whom it took me several hours to convince taking his son backstage would be safe and go off without a hitch! You ba-uh, batty bat battersons better let me out!
A heavily modulated disembodied voice speaks from a source unnoticeable to either person in the room at present.
Voice: Or else what?
TAL: WHO’S THERE? SHOW YOURSELF!
Silence. Craig’s face slowly grows scared as the situation slowly reveals itself not to be an elaborate rib. The luchador bangs on the door again. After his fist slams on the surface a third time, every single light in the locker room shuts off.
Craig Hamburgers: …i’m scared, mr. luchador.
TAL: Don’t worry kid…
He looks around, even if it’s not apparent due to the lack of lighting in the room at present.
TAL: …I won’t let anything happen to you.
The camera cuts to the broadcast desk as they have some news about the Alias Championship match that Alexei Ruslan somehow escaped all culpability for not airing on ReVival 27.