Is that a banana in your pocket?
Our scene cuts to Garbage Bag Johnny, with a half eaten banana in his front bathrobe pocket, is digging through a suitcase in his suite on the 28th floor of the MGM Grand. He tosses its content aside as he looks for something very specific. He’s throwing various bathrobes, stray raisinettes, decorative soaps, prescription drug vials that make maraca sounds, maracas that don’t make a maraca sound because they’ve been hollowed out and filled with primo grade kush, actual maracas, a pinata, the Muriel lighter–which he catches before it hits the ground, breathes a sigh of relief, gives it a kiss, and gently places it next to him–a telephone book, another pinata, what appears to be an eyepatch but is conspicuously too oblong, and finally, a helium tank. He takes another bite of his pocket banana before reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a pack of balloons.
Garbage Bag Johnny: That should do the trick.
GBJ stretches the first balloon out and inserts the helium tank’s nozzle into the opening of the balloon. While it inflates, GBJ finishes the banana and discards the peel. He then reaches into his side pocket, produces a bunch of bananas, and rips one off. He unpeels the new nanner and sticks it in his pocket before grabbing the balloon from the nozzle and pinching it. He ties it off, lets it rise to the ceiling, and goes to work on a second balloon. The Bagman alternates back and forth between balloon and banana, an efficient machine if ever there was one. His attention to the task at hand, however, is interrupted by a knock on his hotel room door.
Garbage Bag Johnny: It’s open!
An arm reaches in and offers a friendly wave.
Voice: It’s Nova.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Why did you knock? This is your suite too, bro.
Nova opens the door wide and steps inside.
Nova: I know, I was just concerned – no, that’s bullshit, I was scared, that I would, um, walk in on…something.
GBJ walks over and claps his teammate on the shoulder.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Well let me validate your fears, my man. If there’s no sock, you don’t have to knock, but you’re right about something because something is exactly what we have here!
GBJ gestures to the bizarre smorgasbord of helium balloons he has assembled around the living room. Nova is quiet. GBJ looks at him, his eyes glistening with pride, a broad toothy grin stretched over his bearded mug.
Nova: (Nodding) Fuck yes.
GBJ pumps a fist and spins, his bathrobe flourishing as he karate-kicks thin air. He grabs Nova by both shoulders.
Garbage Bag Johnny: I KNEW you’d get it. You’re the “won’t stop” to my “can’t stop.”
GBJ punches Nova in the chest. Nova knows he’s hyped, so it’s not a thing.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Let’s get to work, Nov!
Nova: I guess we’re…(looking into the camera with a smirk)…raising the stakes, amirite?
Garbage Bag Johnny: Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
Nova: I’ll help you with your balloons.
Johnny holds up a halting finger.
Garbage Bag Johnny: But first…
GBJ reaches into his banana pocket, rips another one off the bunch, and tosses it to his tag team Survivor partner.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Have a nanner. We’re going to need to harness the power of potassium if we want a chance at this challenge tonight.
Nova stares down at the nanner in his grasp.
Nova: I already hoover gummi multi-vites just for the taste, but when in Rome…
He takes a few bites, then sets his banana on top of a stack of 1940’s slapstick DVD compilations that GBJ brought from home. Nova grabs ahold of the helium tank and inhales on the release valve.
Nova: (Waving his arms) Hey look, we have to be part of a tournament with a bunch of weird rules and stuff…heeheeheeheeheehee…
Garbage Bag Johnny: Whoa, there, buddy. Save that for the balloons. Remember how good we got at running up the stairs?
Nova nods. GBJ continues to talk while filling up balloons, sealing them off, and letting them float to the ceiling of the room.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Now imagine that we take all that training and we combine that with the power of balloons, it’ll give us even more of an edge.
Johnny sinks his teeth into a new banana in between balloon fillings. He notices Nova’s banana on his Dickey and The Knuckleheads DVD.
Garbage Bag Johnny: You good, bro? Need some more of that sweet Chiquita?
GBJ holds up the bunch, which has been chowed down to its final fruit. The mission refocused, Nova grabs the rest of his nanner and gives it the business. He looks into the camera with a mouth-(and beard)-full of nutritious fruit.
Nova: I gueth oo cud thay tha wurr wike potass…assins?
Nova winks at the camera.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Don’t do that. You’re better than that.
Nova: Owl hep oo wiff urr bawoons.
Johnny tosses Nova the last banana.
Garbage Bag Johnny: But first, we gotta go on a banana run. Gather the balloons. We don’t want anyone pinching them when we’re gone.
The duo wrangles the balloons–about fifteen of them in all–and because they’ve gotten so great at operating stairs from training all week, they descend the 28 floors so quickly and masterfully that they’re outside and it feels like barely any time has elapsed. Both have balloons in hand, cigarettes lit, and sunglasses for the heck of it to look cool.
Nova: Can’t help but notice that these balloons don’t seem to be lifting me, like, at all.
Garbage Bag Johnny: That’s because I’m carrying half of them. If we didn’t split them up, I’m sure one of us would be floating away into space.
Nova: Well, don’t you think we should see how many balloons it takes to lift one of us?
The Garbage Man shrugs. Why the hell not? He begins handing the balloons to his tag team partner one by one. Unfortunately, since their hands at this point are now coated in banana slime, one balloon gets away. And as GBJ tries to jump to catch the straggling balloon, he loses grip of the remaining balloons in his hand.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Ah, shit!
Nova tries lunging at the flock of floating balloons, but he misses out and lets go of a few of the ones he’s holding in the process.
Nova: Dammit!
The duo looks at each other and hatches the same plan at the same time.
GBJ & Nova: Back up the stairs!
STAR WIPE!
An impressively short amount of time passes, and GBJ and Nova are back up in their suite. They’re out of breath and trying their damnedest to recover, but with no time to lose, they press on. They both look out the window, and lo and behold, the balloons are still on the rise…but the window won’t open.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Damn jumper-proof windows!
Nova picks up a chair and slams it at the glass, but it just bounces off. Garbage Bag grabs at whatever discarded luggage is lying around and whips it all at the window, but nothing gives.
Nova: Damn break-proof glass!
And with that, the balloons float up, past the window, and off into the distant reaches of the sky. Both GBJ and Nova look dejected. But GBJ looks at the helium tank, and then he looks at Nova.
Garbage Bag Johnny: I might have an idea.
Nova: Is it a power nap? Because that stair climb took a lot out of me.
Garbage Bag Johnny: No, but that’s a good one, too. How about this…we take a quick 20 minute power nap, go get more bananas, and then come back and get the helium tank.
Nova: Sounds like a plan.
GBJ and Nova spin and whip out of their normal attire to matching full body pajamas and tuck on into their respective beds.
Garbage Bag Johnny: May your dreams be ever buoyant.