JACK OWYNS VS. KENNADE STARR
We are LIVE in the Baltimore Arena! And it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the show.
READ! THAT! SIGN!
DANIELS VS SYKES: LEGS VS ASS
TEETH TEETH TEETH GAP TEETH
I HEAR VOICES IN MY SIGNS, THEY TELL ME THREE AND SIX MAKE NINE
HELLO FROM THE GAMBLE ADORATION SIGNDICATE
COMPENSATORY TUGGERS
DOUG SECTION
LOOK, SOMETIMES A MAN JUST NEEDS A COMMA TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. IT’S HARD, YOU KNOW, COMING UP WITH SIGNS THAT ENTERTAIN PEOPLE, BUT YOU NEVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS FOR COMMAS, FRANK!
CAN I HIRE CECILWORTH TO EULOGIZE MY GREAT AUNT GLADYS?
NATE COLTON DID NOTHING WRONG!! SHOW OF HANDS — WHO HERE HASN’T ALWAYS WANTED TO CLOCK JILES RIGHT IN THE JUEVOS?!
DOES PRIME SUPPLY DENTAL COVERAGE? ASKING FOR ARTHUR PLEASANT.
UNIVERSAL TITLE = BARBIE
5-STAR TITLE = OPPENHEIMER
IS ARTHUR PLEASANT ONLY MEAN AND NASTY BECAUSE HE’S TEETHING?
‘Sex Drive’ by Machine Gun Kelly starts. Wasting no time, Jack Owyns walks out from the wrestler tunnel and makes his way towards the square circle. Firing insults at all the fans close enough to hear his words but not stopping to hear any of their clap backs.
Nick Stuart: “The Villain” Jack Owyns is looking to pick up his first victory. He has an… interesting challenge ahead against Kennade Starr.
Richard Parker: I like this guy! He knows who he is, he’s not doing any of that kissing up crap! Plus, I don’t get the whole “e-girl” thing.
Nick Stuart: Starr’s from a different generation, Rich.
Richard Parker: A generation of vidiots.
The Villain continues firing insults as he walks around the ring to the opposite side of the entrance. Jack rolls under the bottom rope and finds a seat in the corner of the ring. Music cuts out.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our opening contest! In the ring to my right… From Seattle, Washington! Weighing in at 253 pounds… “The Villain” JACK OOOWWWYYYNSSSS!
“Caramelldansen” by the Caramella Girls pops over the PA system. Kennade Starr bounces out from the backstage area. She does a little spin before doing a cute dog ear flap with her hands. Potentially lost on those not paying attention, an absolute unit of a man stalks out behind her.
Richard Parker: Dear lord, what the hell is that thing?!
Nick Stuart: I’m being informed that’s Kennade’s butler, Mr. Bubbles.
Richard Parker: Mr. Bubbles?! Of course that’s his name…
Vince Howard: On her way to the ring… From “Your favorite stream”… Weighing in at “None of your business”…. KENNADE STAAAAAAAARR!
Kennade bops her way down the ramp to the ring, the ominous presence of Mr. Bubbles not far behind. Starr climbs into the squared circle, posing and preening for the crowd. She even pulls her phone out.
Nick Stuart: Is she streaming right now?!
Richard Parker: Probably? Her generation loves that crap.
Nick Stuart: Time is passing us by, Rich.
Richard Parker: Speak for yourself, old man! I’m still hip!
Referee Jimmy Turnbull steps in to check Kennade’s gear. Seeing his competition up close, Jack Owyns smirks before turning to jaw with the crowd. Kennade doesn’t submit to the gear check; instead, there’s a short conversation before she waves Jimmy off in Mr. Bubbles direction. The butler does submit to the hesitant referee’s application of the rules.
Richard Parker: Wait, what the hell is going on here?
Nick Stuart: I’m getting word that apparently, Mr. Bubbles will be wrestling on Kennade’s behalf?
Richard Parker: … That’s genius.
Jack Owyns turns around just in time to see Kennade exiting the ring, Mr. Bubbles standing in the opposite corner. He begins to vehemently complain.
DING DING
Owyns continues to argue with Jimmy Turnbull, who is actively tuning out the complaints at this point.
Nick Stuart: While I understand the confusion and frustration from Jack Owyns, a decision has been rendered. He needs to respect that and not-
Richard Parker: Get his head knocked off!
Indeed. At this point, Mr. Bubbles has moved over and grabbed Owyns by the shoulder. He roughly spins The Villain around before dropping him with a nasty throat thrust uppercut! Though down, Owyns doesn’t get much room to breath as Mr. Bubbles yanks him to his feet by the head and neck. The man monster sends Owyns to the corner roughly, taking a few steps back before blasting him with a lariat! Owyns slowly crumples to the mat in response.
Mr. Bubbles drags Jack away from the corner by one foot, looking like a movie killer on their way to dispose of a body. He stops near the middle of the ring, letting go. Speaking of movie killers, Bubbles drops down to choke the life out of the barely moving Villain. Jimmy Turnbull counts for a break.
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FI-Mr. Bubbles finally breaks the hold.
Nick Stuart: Mr. Bubbles was running a risk of being disqualified there, Nick.
Richard Parker: Yeah, but he had till five! Rule bent, not broken. I gotta say though, Kennade Starr is wrestling a hell of a match.
Nick Stuart: What?! Weren’t you complaining about her minutes ago?
Richard Parker: She’s growing on me! Look at her! She’s barely broken a sweat! I don’t know the last time I’ve seen a rookie control the pace this way!
Kennade is, in fact, sweating very little. No, instead, she seems to be live streaming the whole thing while providing running commentary! By this point, Owyns has again been forcefully dragged to his feet. Mr. Bubbles lifts him up for a back suplex, stalling for a moment. Instead of falling backwards, the butler moves forward, practically tossing the Villain in the air on the way to a vicious backbreaker! Owyns writhes in pain on the ground before Mr. Bubbles goes for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
THR-KICKOUT!
Mr. Bubbles stares daggers at Jimmy Turnbull, who nervously stands by his proclamation of a kickout.
Nick Stuart: Not much authority on that kickout, Rich.
Richard Parker: Yeah, Owyns just managed to slide a shoulder off the mat there. Real veteran move. But I’ll tell ya, Nick… If Owyns doesn’t get some kind of offense in soon, this one’s not gonna last much longer!
Bubbles takes a near limp Owyns and casts him near the ropes. Jimmy Turnbull steps in between the monster and his meat, trying to give Jack a chance to get out of the ropes. As Owyns leans his upper body over the bottom cable, Kennade moves in, capturing them both in the same frame of her stream.
Kennade Starr: See?! See?! I’m totally kicking this guy’s butt! I’m on my way to being the best wrestler ever, #StarrShines!
Richard Parker: Those are, uh, some big words.
Nick Stuart: Didn’t you just say she was doing great?
Richard Parker: Sure, but saying you’re gonna be the best ever? Kid needs to pump her brakes a little, even if she’s wrestling a very smart match in her debut.
Nick Stuart: That’s certainly an interesting way to rationalize this whole thing.
Mr. Bubbles has pulled Owyns off the ropes by this point. A big scoop slam sends the veteran to the mat, arching his back in pain after being driven down. He doesn’t have to suffer that pain for long as Bubbles drags him back up for another hard slam down to the mat. The massive man jumps up for a big elbow drop… But Owyns moves!
Nick Stuart: Might have telegraphed that one a bit. Jack Owyns needs to take advantage of this opening!
Richard Parker: No doubt. Owyns needs to- Er, nevermind.
Yes, though the elbow drop missed, Mr. Bubbles recovers almost instantly, showing no signs of pain or suffering. He goes back after Jack with surprising speed for a man his size, yanking him to his feet. Irish whip and the worse for wear Owyns is back down on the mat after a big boot. Another attempt at a big elbow drop. This time, it’s successful, leaving Owyns coughing and gasping desperately for air.
Mr. Bubbles stays on him, looking to pull the experienced grappler back to his feet. As he does so, Owyns finally shows signs of life by breaking the hulking butler’s grip! He fires off a punch to the face! Another! Another!… And Mr. Bubbles just stares at him, the kind of stare that sends chills down one’s spine. A counter throat thrust uppercut yet again plummets Owyns back to the mat.
Nick Stuart: I thought Owyns might have been starting to push back there.
Richard Parker: Yeah, that lasted about as long as my first marriage.
Nick Stuart: Need to talk, Rich?
Richard Parker: Nope.
By now, Kennade has her back to the ring, leaning against the apron. She streams the chaos behind her while keeping herself the focus of the stream.
Kennade Starr: Yes, #StarrShines, ya girl is totally owning this! I dunno if I’ve ever played a match where I’ve been winning this easily! Mash that like, slap that subscribe and share so you can see me keep the cutie combat going!
Nick Stuart: Does… Does she think this is a video game?
Richard Parker: Hey, you get enough peyote in you, you’ll think everywhere you go is a world of pure imagination!
Delusions aside, it’s obvious this match is near its end. Mr. Bubbles pulls Owyns to his feet. A stiff boot to the gut doubles the Villain over. Bubbles jerks his into a standing head scissors. Hooking both arms around Owyns’ waist, Bubbles lifts him up… and drops him down hard with a Jackknife Powerbomb! The man monster drops down to his knees, crawling over to the very likely unconscious Jack Owyns. He hooks one leg upward, using his other free arm to push down on the opposite shoulder.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this bout, Mr. Bu-
Kennade slips into the ring, glaring at Vince Howard, head titled to the side, hands on her hips.
Vince Howard: Um, the winner of this bout… Kennade Starr?
Despite the rather befuddled proclamation of victory from Vince Howard, Kennade excitedly jumps up and down in celebration.
Nick Stuart: A strong win for…
Richard Parker: Kennade Starr.
Nick Stuart: You know what? Sure. A strong win for Kennade Starr in her debut. Or something like that.
We cut backstage to see…