JACOB MEPHISTO vs. CANCER JILES
Nova then makes his way up the ramp and as he does, Mephisto walks past him in silence.
Nick Stuart: Well, apparently our producers didn’t think to catch Jacob Mephisto’s entrance here. Odd.
Richard Parker: Well, Nick, the cameras had to be on Hoyt Williams and Nova. You know how important Hoyt is to the very fabric of PRIME itself.
Nick Stuart: I’m not arguing with you over this, Rich.
Vince Howard: Our next match is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, JACOB MEPHISTO!!
The crowd tepidly boos the All-Father, making his return to PRIME after some time away.
A cool chill moves through the air. The bright lights slowly draw to a dim. An almost sold out audience rises to their feet. Then, an all too familiar guitar riff screams its way into eggsistance.
Richard Parker: Maybe we’ll get lucky and it will be Bobby Dean.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think anyone is that lucky.
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!
BOOM!
Richard Parker: That’s a lot of pyro for our third match of the night.
I AM THE COOL!
BOOOOOOOO!!!
The Maestro of COOL bursts through the curtain as if he’s late for an egg tossing competition. He’s got a big ole bandage covering his one eyebrow, and his big ole T-Shades covering the bandage.
Nick Stuart: This is the first time Cancer Jiles has been on ReVival since he lost to Ivan Stanislav for a chance to recapture the Universal Championship at ReVival 21.
Richard Parker: It was a good run.
Nick Stuart: More recently, Jiles returned at Culture Shock and had a nice little run in the Battle Royal placing within the Top 10.
Richard Parker: I don’t care how long he was in there for. Losers gonna lose, Nick. He didn’t even have one elimination! Even Abe Lipschitz had an elimination!
Instead of stopping and posing for the enjoyment of his raucous detractors, or insulting the young fan wearing a MESSIAH hat sitting along the entrance ramp, or glaring in Richard Parker’s general direction, The COOLYMPIAN has something else in mind.
Nick Stuart: Who’s he looking for?
Not who, but what.
Jiles hunts down the closest camera he can find, gets within a few inches from it, REMOVES HIS T-SHADES, and begins shouting for only one person to hear.
Cancer Jiles: I HOPE YOU’RE PAYING ATTENTION, MOM! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IS GOING TO KEEP ON HAPPENING UNTIL YOU PUT ME BACK WHERE I BELONG!
After threatening Lindsay Troy a few more times about his place on the card, a disgusted Jiles spins on a heel, angrily makes his way ringside, and hastily slides under the bottom rope. He exchanges a few choice words with the referee about what to expect, and then waves BYE BYE to his opponent.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, weighing in at 118 cartons of large eggs, hailing from the Mount Coolympus neighborhood of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, he is COOL. CANCER. JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Richard Parker: I heard Mount Coolympus was next to the Kensington neighborhood in Philly. Real bad part of town.
Nick Stuart: Who told you that?
Richard Parker: The Anglo Luchador.
Nick Stuart: I thought you hated him.
Richard Parker: I do. I just hate Cancer Jiles more.
Elvis Nixon calls for the bell.
DING DING
Mephisto charges for Jiles, wanting to make an impact, but the former Universal Champion has him scouted.
Nick Stuart: COOLYMPIAN YOLJK!
Richard Parker: This early? Does he have a dinner appointment with T. Boone Pickens that we don’t know about?
Nick Stuart: Rich, he died in 2019.
Richard Parker: Oh no, and I forgot to send his family a card!
Mephisto fumbles around the ring holding his face while Jiles points and laughs. The All-Father wipes the salty yolk from his eyes and spots Jiles, looking to take his head off with a big lariat. Once again, the lagomorph-quick eGG Meister ducks, turns around, and chops Mephisto down to size with a picture perfect chop block, bringing the Patriarch down to one knee.
Nick Stuart: Mephisto is not prepared at all, it seems!
Richard Parker: What the hell was he doing out in the desert all this time? You’d think after being away this long, he’d come out sharp and ready to, uh, y’know, beat this egg. For his old pal, Richie?
Nick Stuart: Are you saying you’re his friend?
Richard Parker: In a way that the enemy of my enemy is my friend?
Before Mephisto can get up, Jiles traipses over with a spring in his step without a single hair on his head bobbing and plants the All-Father with a DDT. He kips up, doing a little dance in the process.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles is just playing with his food now.
Richard Parker: Normally, if someone is referring to someone in a Jacob Mephisto match as food, it’s Mephisto literally doing so to his opponent.
Jiles rakes his fingers across the exposed back of Mephisto, causing him to jolt over exposing his belly. The Closer wastes no time, stomps on it a few times, and then lifts the massive hulking Patriarch to his feet.
Cancer Jiles: BYE-BYE, YOU CRUMB!
Terminal Cancer.
ONE.
TWO.
THREE.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner, Cancer JIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Boos rain down on the arena as Cancer pops up, running his fingers through the side of his hair before bailing on the ring as quick as he could get into it.
Richard Parker: Well, it’s going to be hard for Jacob Mephisto to come back after this humiliating defeat.
Nick Stuart: Rich, something tells me Jake isn’t going to be back anymore. Anyway, we have to take this commercial break, but I’m told afterwards, we’re going to get Cecilworth Farthington in this very ring.
Richard Parker: Ooh, I can’t wait! The barbecue I went to at his house was just exquisite!