JARED SYKES vs. CANCER JILES
The match graphic shows and the crowd loses their preverbal minds!
Nick Stuart: It’s time. We’ve seen the three others advance and I obviously know who they are, I’m just not saying anything in case you have Revival recorded and you’re watching it out of order.
Richard Parker: I like that reasoning, Nick.
Nick Stuart: Anyway, let’s get onto the match at hand. Cancer Jiles and Jared Sykes, two of the biggest names in this company and something has to give.
Richard Parker: I received some backlash for calling the last Cancer Jiles match, I saw the online comments. I do read, you know. I was rather “harsh”. I just want to say I’ve seen this Cancer Jiles Almasy Tournament song and dance before and I’ve become a little too worked up over what I think might happen.
Nick Stuart: Jiles making it to the finals?
Richard Parker: I can’t promise I won’t get worked up again, look at what wrestlers are in front of me right now.
Nick Stuart: (No selling) Poor you. (Back on track) Let’s go to ringside with Vince Howard on the call and then will return with some unbiased announcing.
Vince Howard: This is the MAIN EVENT of the night! It is an Almasy Tournament match and it is for… ONE FALL!
The lights fade to nothing and then the first note hits. Deep, resonant, and with it comes a flood of white light that washes over the crowd. As the sound fades, so does the light.
I’ll never be ready to meet a memory
Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring…
A steady rhythm follows, building to something. With each note comes a pulse of white, like a heartbeat slightly out of time.
Vince Howard: Hailing from Boston, Massachusetts…
The only thing louder than the thundering guitar coming through the speakers is the explosion of the crowd.
Vince Howard: Weighing in at two-hundred-one pounds…
The guitar rips into frenetic tapping riff, and with it blue and purple lights begin pulsing over the crowd in time with the beat. Tonight, Jared is out here alone, because my dude seriously has a thing about walking in against a dozen people without backup. Honestly, it might be his kink.
Also because his partner isn’t in the building, but that’s neither here nor there.
Vince Howard: JAAAARRYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
Let’s all take a moment to forgive Mr. Howard for what he just did. That tee shirt – the same pink number Jared wore earlier – is very bright, and incredibly hard to ignore. Also, keep in mind that he’s introducing the same person who made sure that the ring introduction cards he read every week were full of batshit nonsense about how Justine was going to murder him for trying to do “total combined weights.” Vince is owed this, he deserves this.
Also he’s quick to fix his mistakes.
Vince Howard: I, uhh… JAAAAAAARED SYYYYYYYKES!!!!!!
When the dirt crushes my bones
And the worms call me their home
If I’m asked to start again
I can’t pretend I’m ready
I can’t pretend
I’ve had plenty
Jarry – fuck, now I’m doing it too. I mean, Jared makes his way to the ring. Despite not being the biggest fan of the nickname, he chuckles to himself before sliding under the bottom rope. The trademark hoodie is placed under a nearby turnbuckle, as is the pink “JARRY” shirt with the 8 million exclamation points, because he’s come this far and he’s not about to disrespect the merch at this stage of the game.
Richard Parker: This Jarry thing, oh boy…
Nick Stuart: Not a fan?
Richard Parker: Any added attention towards Jared Sykes means I’m not a fan. So of course I’m not a fan. Also, going alone tonight, huh? Stupid.
With Sykes in the ring and the crowd on their feet… the lights inside the Bridgestone Arena slowly draw to a dim. Smoke begins to billow at the top of the entrance ramp.
The temperature drops. The air chills. The mood changes.
Nick Stuart: Here we go.
The Crumbotron comes to life and illuminates the arena with a picture of the GOLDEN TICKET. After it spins around a couple of times a montage of superkicks that seemingly never ends plays. While the video unfolds, a spotlight clangs on that shines down upon the fogged up entrance way.
The spotlight is, of course, in the shape of an egg.
Next, an invigorating, pulsating, reverberating, electric guitar raucously riffs its way throughout space and time. It. Is. loud. But, not as loud as the series of pyro’s that coincide with it.
Screaming Jay Hawkins, singer and songwriter of “I am the Cool” begins to sing…
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
Out from behind the curtain they emerge. Coral, Bobby, and lastly, The GOLDEN TICKET.
I AM THE COOL!
Nick Stuart: Love him. HATE him. Hope he dies a miserable slow death, whatever the case may be, there is no denying the spectacle that follows The Golden Ticket, “COOL” Cancer Jiles.
Nick isn’t wrong. It is a spectacle. The place is on their feet, showering Jiles and flock with exponentially dubious adoration.
The three hit a group pose, and then disperse for a moment so Jiles can release a short burst of his poison mist into the air.
Richard Parker: Stupid mist.
The COOLYMPIAN starts to confidently make his way down to the ring. Head high, big smile, spotlight on him, and rock hard dick taped down to his leg.
Bob and Coral fall in and follow closely behind like the tight knit group that they all are. Once the trio reaches ringside, a short pep talk ensues. Jiles then passes off the T-shades, bumps fists, and slides under the bottom rope.
Coral and Bob post up on the outside and await the bell.
Richard Parker: I hate these matches where both competitors would be better off pumping gas. I don’t care if the hype is real, and Hayes Hanlon was upset about it.
Nick Stuart: Speaking of HYPE. Round Three. MAIN EVENT. Golden Ticket, and a trip to the semifinals are on the line! Colossus is right around the corner. Sykes. Jiles. First time ever!
Timo tries to calmly check Jiles’ being for anything foreign, but obviously their history prevents such. Plus, Jiles is too busy calling Jared Sykes a pretty boy to have his boots properly checked, which most likely means he has some sort of trick up his proverbial sleeve.
Nick Stuart: Little gamesmanship here by Jiles, as is customary for him before a match.
Finally, after Jiles tells Sykes that he could have saved a fortune if he had just waited until after the match to get all the work done, Timo calls for the bell to shut him up.
The fans give an enormous shout as the referee moves back and both men stand in their respective corners.
On the outside, Coral leans on Bobby as if they’re ready to sink into a serious popcorn muncher and will be there to provide consistent moral support. On the other hand, Bobby’s eyes dart back and forth, from one side of the ropes to the other, as if his mind is on overdrive for how to take the crowd out of this one already. Likely, these were directions Cancer told him before they got out there. “A quiet crowd is a Bandit crowd.” Perhaps something like that. Who knows.
Nick Stuart: Two Bandits on the outside. Bobby is definitely going to intervene sooner than later. Coral… unlikely.
The crowd continues to cheer as Jared Sykes peers into the bleachers and starts nodding with passion. Meanwhile, after witnessing Sykes soak in the response, Cancer Jiles can’t help but glare into the bleachers as well. However, he has a sour, almost Grinch-like demeanor upon his face, as if he’s hating every second of this and wishes a timely, immediate death upon his opponent so he could hook the leg and pick up the three.
Might not even hook the leg.
Jiles continues to display a vomit disposition as the crowd wishes the two combatants march towards the center of the ring and lock horns.
Jared is the first one to take a step forward.
Jiles couldn’t give a damn.
Jared takes another step forward.
Jiles, once again, doesn’t care.
Jared takes another step forward. He throws his arms out and starts waving Cancer towards him.
Nick Stuart: You can see the desperation in his eyes. Sykes knows this is a MAJOR opportunity. Not many make it this far. Elite Eight, it’s something to be proud of.
Instead, Jiles lifts both his arms and rests them across the ropes as his body further melts into the corner. Even Bobby Dean’s face is all “WTF” on the outside but Jiles takes a moment to catch the wide body’s attention with an expression on his face suggesting Dean needs to calm the fuck down, it’s all COOL.
Luckily, Coral is there to pat Bobby on the back.
LET’S GO JARED!
LET’S GO JARED!
LET’S GO JARED!
The crowd is relentless. They refuse to back down, even though at least two minutes have ticked off the clock since the bell was rung.
Finally, Sykes’ patience is wearing a little thin. He really wants to get this match going. He takes a HARD step forward…
Cancer drops to a knee and rolls out of the ring.
The arena is HOT, white hot. Jiles marches over to his Bandits and stands beside them. At first, Bobby thinks Jiles wants to strategize with him but The COOL is merely fucking around. Coral, on the other hand, proudly pats Cancer on the chest, remembering support is the most important thing he can provide.
Richard Parker: My worst nightmare has taken place. Really hoping this match would’ve been a quick one.
Nick Stuart: Sorry, partner.
Richard Parker: It’s fine, it’s fine. I said I was going to remain professional. (Puking noises)
Timo Bolamba has started his TEN count and this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, as on the outside of the ring Cancer Jiles starts shouting in Timo’s way.
Nick Stuart: No love-lost between these two.
Richard Parker: You’d think Jiles could give up his issues with the man. Timo counted him to victory two weeks ago, Timo missed a bunch of cheating… there should be no more problems.
Timo is at FIVE before Jiles takes a step forward but then realizes Jared takes a step closer towards the ropes, too.
Nick Stuart: Jiles has backed himself into a tough one. Get counted out and lose the match, you’re obviously kicked out of the tournament. Heaven forbid he enters the ring and Jared gets the better of him immediately, which he will.
Timo is at SEVEN, although Jiles’ face hasn’t broken a sweat.
EIGHT, still Cancer is as cool as ever.
NINE, maybe… okay… maybe there’s a small bead of sweat on his forehead.
Jiles rolls into the ring.
And is absolutely blasted by a Jared Sykes uppercut!
The fans roar as Sykes shoots his body upright and pumps his arms around. With Jiles on a knee, Sykes roars back and connects with another.
Sykes lifts Jiles onto his shoulders and lands a spinning F5 cutter!
Nick Stuart: I’ve never seen him perform something like this before!
Richard Parker: WE HAVE A COVER!
The crowd sighs but Sykes keeps going. He drags Jiles onto his feet and delivers a couple more forearm shots. Then Jared whips Cancer into the ropes, leaps into the air and wraps his legs around Cancer’s neck…
Hurricanrana into a pin!
Nick Stuart: Jared wants to put his opponent away as fast as possible. No games with Sykes, nor would I expect any. This is less about a rivalry and more about moving on, which it SHOULD.
Sykes whips Jiles into a corner and comes racing in with a splash! He holds onto Jiles’ head and runs towards the middle of the ring with a bulldog. Sykes kips to his feet, fires up the crowd and rifles a superkick square into the right side of Jiles’ face as spit flies into the air.
Sykes cranks his arms around. He pulls Jiles off the mat and lands a snap suplex. Sykes holds on and this time lands a vertical suplex. Sykes still holds on and looks for a northern lights suplex for a pin.
The crowd continues to cheer for their hero as the former blueberry rolls onto his knees. He’s looking for more flash offense when Bobby Dean hops onto the apron!
Well, not exactly HOPS up there. It takes Bobby a while, everyone can see it coming.
Coral Avalon remains in the same position he was. He claps for Bobby because, well, he doesn’t know what the big man is going to do and you have to support the group!
Nick Stuart: Not this again!
Much like two weeks ago, Timo Bolamba’s patience on Bandits runs very thin. He’s already over there, shouting at Dean to get off the apron.
The crowd is worked into a bedlam as Jared Sykes is having nothing to do with it whatsoever!
Nick Stuart: Sykes ran over and knocked The Beautiful One off the apron!
The big man FLIES off and crashes into the guardrail! It’s almost as if Bobby engulfs the top of the rail with the blubber on his upper torso. Nobody in the front row knows if Bobby hurt himself or the guardrail hurt itself but right now it looks like both remain motionless!
Coral races over to check.
With the crowd in a continual hype, Sykes spins around and sees Jiles getting to his feet-
Low blow by The COOL!
Cheers turn to boos on a dime, while Timo Bolamba means well but couldn’t cock his head around in time to see. When he does, however, he witnesses a shit eating, snickering former Universal Champion on all fours and Jared Sykes beside him, down on his knees.
Timo could assume what’s happened but, after all, can’t call what you don’t see.
Richard Parker: Seen this so many times…
Nick Stuart: Jared got caught in the moment but I don’t want to blame him. Bobby was working his way onto that apron and Sykes took him out. Knowing Bobby’s tolerance for punishment, this might be an excellent trade off. No way that low blow wins the match for Jiles but having Dean DOA on the outside for the rest of the contest, it’s not bad. I would be STUNNED if Avalon gets involved.
Richard Parker: I hate to say it but it wasn’t like Jared averted his attention away from the ring, either. He had one eye on Cancer the entire time. He just wasn’t able to avoid the low blow.
With Jiles on his feet first, he reels Sykes in and connects with a European uppercut to return the favor from the opening stages of the offense he was on the receiving end of. Jiles follows with a swift poke to the eyes but covers it up with his other hand going in like he’s slapping Sykes’ neck.
Jiles walks around his opponent, measuring him. Then he wraps both arms across The Heart of PRIME and connects with a smooooooth side Russian leg sweep.
The COOL looks up at Bolamba and sneers. He spits again, maybe because he thought he bit the bottom of his lip upon the leg sweep since there was a little spite in his swagger.
Jiles rolls to a knee. He lifts Sykes into the air and then lands a belly-to-belly suplex. Coral claps on the outside, while still attending to Bobby.
Jiles drags Sykes into a corner of the ring. He begins to climb the ropes. First rope, second… Jiles thinks of stopping there but why would he do that? Top rope it is!
The crowd BURSTS alive! Sykes races to the top rope and is looking for a superplex! He has Jiles… he tries for it…
But he can’t work Cancer off the top since the former champ hooks his left leg around the top buckle.
Another poke to the eyes! Timo couldn’t see it because, well, how could he? He’s only seeing the back of Jared Sykes.
Jiles with a headbutt! Sykes falls off the top rope and right back to where he was before. The air in the arena has been pushed out just as quickly as it came in.
Cancer raises his right hand and wipes it across his face. He realizes his nose is bleeding, just a little. Likely from the injury he suffered at the hands of Don Winters two weeks ago and moments ago he knocked his head against Jared’s, probably catching the bridge of his nose in the process.
Jiles doesn’t look happy.
He grits his teeth.
He leaps off the top rope.
Jiles isn’t done. He stands up and hoofs Sykes in the side of the ribs before ascending the ropes again.
First buckle. Second. Final. At the top.
This time Jiles barely takes a moment to measure his opponent. A quick glance over to Bobby Dean, who’s still DOA on the outside, and receiving a thumbs up from Coral Avalon, as if everything is cool, and Cancer knows it’s up to him.
He leaps off.
Jiles hooks the leg.
Nick Stuart: This might be it!
Richard Parker: Oh god…
Huge pop! Sykes rolls to his side, rests on his right arm and pumps his left around. Jared is trying to use the energy of the crowd-
Jiles drags Sykes up and whips him into a suplex, holding him in the air… holding him… continuing to do so…
Letting all that blood rush down…
Cancer drops Jared SQUARE on the crown of his head with a brainbuster!
The sound the canvas makes is sickening. Jiles spits again and runs his right hand across his nose.
A little more blood. Figures. Coral shouts something along the lines of “you’re doing great”!
Cancer swings for the fences as his body language suggests this match is finished.
Nick Stuart: Listen, Jared came to fight. He had the match under his control and I guess… ugh, I guess that Bobby Dean moment ended up costing him. Plus the additional cheating.
Jiles delivers a couple stiff shots into Sykes’ face and then hoists the do-gooder onto his knees. The COOL takes four steps back and winds up for Terminal Cancer-
Sykes shows signs of life! He springs up onto his feet, almost as fast as he did when he raced to the top turnbuckle. Jiles can’t unload Terminal Cancer in time, he just can’t get it up fast enough (innuendo and all). This allows Sykes to throw his arms outright and catch Cancer in a flash cutter!
Both men are down!
The fans rally their feet, in the hopes they can WILL the man they’re backing into the Final Four.
Jiles, on the other hand, is crawling over to the ropes. He’s also shouting for Bobby to do something, or Coral to think on his feet, but as the fans have learned both Dean and the guardrail are DOA.
And Coral isn’t thinking quick enough.
Sykes is on a knee. Jiles is at the ropes.
Sykes is on a leg. Jiles has the bottom rope in his hand.
Sykes begins to stand, albeit he’s very wobbly. Jiles has pulled himself to the second rope.
Sykes is locked and loaded! He’s in a proper upright position. Jiles has the top rope and is spinning himself around.
Sykes goes for it.
Jiles drops the ropes on him!
The Heart of PRIME falls out of the ring, onto the apron and then the floor below. Jiles looks into the rafters, as if he’s praying for his physical wellbeing before he sling shots over the ropes and CRASHES down upon Sykes with a splash!
Jiles pounds the floor as a little more blood falls from his nose. He’s clearly pissed off that the match isn’t over. He sucks back the pain from the fall out of the ring and then hurls Sykes into the squared circle. Jiles decides to take the easy route to enter, he’s climbing up the steel steps.
Once Cancer pokes his head through the top and middle rope… Jared Sykes is right there to snatch his head.
Sykes drags Jiles to the center of the ring and then pulls The COOL on his feet. He positions Jiles’ back towards him and wraps his arms around Cancer’s neck. He’s looking for a neckbreaker driver, as he continues to ply Jiles’ neck back as far as it can go, before dropping to the ground.
Unfortunately for Sykes, and for the crowd, the slippery leader of the eGG Bandits wiggles his way out and tumbles into the ropes, all while Sykes lands on the mat with nothing and then repositions himself in an attempt to stand up.
Sykes moves his head at the last second and rolls into the ropes. The former champion shows he is just as crafty, though, since he didn’t go FULL Terminal on Sykes, sensing Jared was going to move. Jiles spins around, finds Sykes on the mat and then dropkicks Jared square in the face!
Nick Stuart: Damn. It wasn’t Terminal Cancer but that sure was impactful!
Jiles drags a lifeless body into the middle of the ring, drops down and even hooks both legs.
PLUS A HANDFUL OF TIGHTS!
The crowd is alive and the announcers are out of breath!
Nick Stuart: JARED KICKED OUT! There’s still life! He’s fighting for everything. He’s fighting as if it’s his last chance…
Richard Parker: Everyone wants it. Don’t be ridiculous, Nick. Wait, did I inadvertently defend Jiles there? (Shivers)
Jiles slams the mat and mouths a saliva-induced lecture towards Timo Bolamba. Nevertheless, Cancer knows he’s in the driver’s seat. He wasn’t a Universal Champion because he can’t compose himself, unfortunately…
Jiles drills a forearm into the side of Sykes’s skull. Another receipt for the OG forearms. Jiles looks over at Bobby and STILL can’t believe the man is DOA, even if it is Bobby Dean.
Cancer pulls Jared upright and crunches his jaw into a jawbreaker. Sykes falls to the mat once again and this time Jiles stumbles into a corner.
He sees Bobby Dean coming to.
And his confidence builds even further…
Jiles thumps the sole of his right boot on the ground, only once. It’s the only warm-up he needs.
Sykes is suddenly in the right position, on both knees, looking glassy eyed.
Sykes ducks, comes up from behind Jiles and latches onto the back of his head. He twists Cancer into the right position, looking for the OMEGA 13…
He has the right leverage. He lifts Jiles into position.
Coral’s jaw drops.
Bobby Dean’s eyes fall out of his sockets!
The fans are going bananas!
Nick Stuart: OMEGA 13-
Jiles slips out! He lands on his feet behind Sykes! The MAIN EVENT spins The Dragonslayer around and he tries for a poke to the eyes when Jared blocks it. Sykes goes for a cutter but Cancer falls backwards and into the ropes. Jiles lunges off the ropes, whacking Sykes across the head with a knee. Cancer tilts back his head… it might look like he’s got something in his mouth to SPRAY across his opponent…
SYKES WITH A ROLL UP FLASH PIN!
IT’S REVERSED BY CANCER! Jiles tries to latch onto Jared’s tights but he just can’t seem to get a solid handful!
IT’S REVERSED BY SYKES! Who, clearly, ISN’T grabbing the tights or even trying to… but damn does he have the pinfall perfectly orchestrated! Jiles wiggles his feet, hoping to kickout…
LAST SECOND BLOODY KICKOUT! EVERYONE IS GASSED!!
Neither man can believe their inside cradles didn’t get it done.
Nor can the fans.
Nor can Coral Avalon.
Nor can Bobby Dean (though he’s still not upright).
Nor can Timo Bolamba.
Jiles races towards Sykes but as Jared stumbles to his right, both men inadvertently bump into Timo!
The ref falls into the turnbuckle. By no means is he down and out but he’s most certainly stunned for a moment or two. Jiles moves his gaze towards the outside of the ring. Seeing Bobby still isn’t at 100%, Jiles’ eyes quickly meet Coral’s as if to suggest Avalon should get in on the action ASAP.
Jiles brings his eyes towards Sykes and goes to spray the mist when Sykes hoofs Jiles in the stomach with a swift boot and a few drops of mist start dribbling out of King Crumb’s mouth. Sykes latches onto Jiles’ right arm, pulls the former champion towards him… lifts him into the air and then crunches the eGG Bandit’s skull against the mat with a WICKED looking 180 seated uranage, the Rhine Rewind.
The only thing is… on the way down Jiles DID get the mist in Jared Sykes’ face.
However, Cancer Jiles is DONE. He isn’t moving an inch.
But Jared Sykes can’t see shit.
Sykes is crawling around until he thinks he’s found Cancer Jiles’ upperbody on the mat. Completely spent himself, and likely struggling to breathe, Jared drapes his entire body over Cancer.
THANKFULLY, Timo Bolamba is feeling better! He opens his eyes and collects his bearings.
Outside of the ring, Bobby Dean remains on a knee. He pushes Coral towards the ring, since Bobby definitely can’t get there himself. Dean is telling Avalon to “go, go make the save”. It’s clear with the way Cancer Jiles is sprawled out on the canvas, his left boot is nearly under the bottom rope.
Might even be under it.
Nevertheless, a weezy Bolamba, who wants to do his job, sees a pinfall attempt being made and slowly slides into position. A position where he’s in the middle of the ring and can clearly view Cancer’s shoulders on the mat.
Can’t see his legs, though.
Coral’s eyes go wide. All he has to do is walk around the ring post and Jiles’ feet are within reach! He could place one on the bottom rope with ease.
Avalon takes a couple steps. Sweat starts pouring from his forehead.
Bolamba slides into position and begins to administer the count.
Coral moves around the ring post…
Coral is right there!!
…But he doesn’t do anything!
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: OH MY GOD, JARED SYKES DID IT! FINAL FOUR!!!
Richard Parker: All of this. I am hating ALL OF THIS.
Vince Howard: Here is your winner… JARED SYKES!
The crowd cheers in support while Bobby Dean, who remains a knee, hangs his head in shame and Coral Avalon looks like a deer in the headlights.
Richard Parker: Wish I could say I was happy for… anyone.
Nick Stuart: Jiles got what he deserves?
Richard Parker: Okay.
Sykes’ theme song plays as Timo would love to lift the winner’s hand but can’t do it. Not only because Sykes seems to have passed out himself, since he wasn’t able to breathe with the mist in his face, but also because Bolamba is still hurting, albeit not that badly.
Nick Stuart: It will now be Jared Sykes and Jonathan-Christopher Hall in the semi finals next week!
Richard Parker: I should probably say something like “Coral what have you done!?” but I’m not going to bother.
Nick Stuart: Well I will say… thank you for joining us on Revival and we will see you in Memphis!
The PRIME signature appears in the bottom right hand corner, as a misty-faced Jared Sykes finally rolls onto his back with an arm slightly in the air, while Cancer Jiles is still TKO’ed on the canvas. Bobby Dean can’t stop shaking his head with shame and Coral Avalon merely stands there, an inch away from Jiles’ foot.
Maybe even closer than that.
Maybe even EXACTLY RIGHT THERE.
But he didn’t reach out.
…And now King Crumb has lost his GOLDEN TICKET.
While Jared Sykes secures another shot at his.