JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. GARRY RAY-RAY BOLAMBA
“I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith begins and the Greensboro crowd boos LOUDLY. From underneath a lift in the middle of the rampway, and a twirling lift at that, Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall are revealed to be arm-in-arm, nuzzling each other’s chests.
Nick Stuart: I believe they have referenced to this as…a Love-A-Vator.
Before the Amazing Life Partners lift their heads off each other, a film crew rolls out from behind the curtains. There are three men with cameras in their hands, attempting to capture every moment and detail between the two. The cameramen are dressed in gray outfits with an ‘ESPN’ tag on the back of their jackets.
Richard Parker: This crew has been getting as much footage as they can. The pomp. That pageantry.
Finally, Vickie releases her hold on Jonathan-Christopher but it’s clear he wanted to have more physical contact. Nevertheless, Vickie leads the way down the ramp as her honey buns and the camera crew hurry after her.
Vince Howard: This second round match in the 2023 Seymour Almasy Invitational is set for one fall and has NOOOOOOOOO time limit. Introducing first…being accompanied to the ring by Vickie Hall and the ESPN 30 For 30 crew… he is The Forever Man… JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL!
Vickie can’t stop spinning around and giggling into the cameras as they follow her and Jonathan-Christopher to ringside. Hall slides into the ring and then opens the top and middle rope for Vickie to enter. Dressed in the most adorable PRETTY PINK© little onesie, the polarizing manager (well, JCH offsets all the hate with love so, hence, polarizing) struts to the center of the ring and performs the splits, as PRETTY PINK© sparklers shoot off behind her and her man from the ring posts. Jonathan-Christopher helps Vickie to her feet and then opens the ropes again as she exits.
The opening cymbal from “Carmina Burina: O Fortuna” by the London Philharmonic Orchestra crashes throughout the Coliseum. The lights in the Coliseum immediately fade to an eerie white light emanating from the advertising board and multiple bright white spotlights shooting to one spot on the stage.
Richard Parker: I don’t like this any better than I did on the last ReVival he appeared…
Vince Howard: And his opponent, standing 6’9” tall and weighing 235 lbs… he hails from Bolambaland by way of Nelson County, Kentucky. He IS the leader of the sovereign nation Bolambaland, He IS the Generalissimo of the Monster Menagerie. HE IS THE BANG! HARDWEIGHT CHAMPION! HE IS A SECOND GENERATION SUPERSTAR! THE BEST SON OF TIMO BOLAMBA! GAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYY RAAAAAAY-RAAAAY BOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBBBBBBAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nick Stuart: Confetti. Again. Falling from the rafters?
Richard Parker: Not confetti. They’re small pictures of Dale Earnhardt with the Winston Cup.
Nick Stuart: You mean the NASCAR Series Cup.
Richard Parker: No…the Winston is clearly underlined in red ink here, Nick.
During the Vince Howard’s introduction, (looks like you got two, Brock) the Bolambaland’s Monster Army lined the way to the ring, in full Dale Earnhardt themed military attire. The music continues on, because this is a long fucking song.
The Generalissimo finally steps out from behind the curtain. Black steel heeled boots appear first before finally the giant Kentuckian blesses us with his presence from the back. He stands at the top of the ramp staring down at Jonathan-Christopher Hall in the ring. His eyes never waiver but a snarl creeps across his lip.
Nick Stuart: Garry is down a few of his trusted associates here. No Rory Hayes. No Big Blue Bug. No Lord Kurosame-sama.
Richard Parker: Where’s the bike with the deer antlers?
Probably somewhere in Greensboro, killing.
Finally the Monster Army snaps to attention, raising their arms to their heads and offering a salute, Garry begins his march to the ring and stops and salutes each member of the Menagerie. a mysterious birdman folds in behind Garry and walks down to the ring behind the Generalissimo. Garry rounds the corner and marches slowly up the ring steps. He pauses and wipes his boots off, before stepping his teenager cosplaying M. Bison looking ass through the ropes.
Jimmy Turnbull quickly checks both competitors before signaling for the bell.
The Timid Tiger versus The Generalissimo. A slave to the Monster Army versus Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba. You know the inference. Vickie Hall is a monster. She belongs in the Monster Army. Perhaps she is the true monster to rule beside the powerful rightful heir of not just the name Bolamba, but the visionary ruler of Bolambaland. FOR VICTORY! FOR MONSTERS! Dale Earnhardt looks on high from Heaven and sheds a manly tear across his GMC Goodwrench jumper. His boy done good.
And you know how?
From the slapping. SO MUCH SLAPPING. Bolamba isn’t here to size up Jonathan-Christopher. There’s no Alpha v. Alpha energy here. We got Alpha v. Beta. A man who pisses in the wind versus a man who asks his Captain Hadley if it’s okay to take some tinkles. The Generalissimo, the lanky Bird of a man, strides as though he is running up the court on the fast break before stopping and popping to drain a midrange jumper, absolutely smothering JCH with a bevy of slaps.
Richard Parker: OUCH! OUCH OUCH OUCH!
Nick Stuart: Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba making it known, CLEARLY, his strategy.
Richard Parker: It’s all in the flick of the wrist. The motion. I mean, he’s got so little experience in the ring, but…he isn’t wrestling you. He’s SLAP FIGHTING you! And before he became the leader of Bolambaland, he made his bones in Nelson County Kentucky, laying slaps and wrecking corn fields!
Nick Stuart: Ray-Ray smothering Jonathan-Christoper, absolutely ASSAULTING him with these slaps. All over. Angles upon angles.
This isn’t an exaggeration. If Cecilworth is the the artisan of arm breaking, if Youngblood is the master of the suplex, if Jiles is the king of being a crumb, then Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba is THE GENERALISSIMO of slaps! From angles you can’t imagine. It’s XARM. It’s POWER SLAP. It’s SLAUGHTER SPORT. And Jonathan-Christopher Hall can’t take it. His Ken doll body and tan is turning straight purple. His yelps and screams are like that of mutilated children. He falls and tries to get back up, only to get slapped down again. a mysterious birdman calls out.
a mysterious birdman: 0¿0
Jonathan-Christopher Hall tries to take a powder, but a singular massive downward slap puts a stop to that. The screeching Vickie Hall gets on the apron and starts going absolutely batshit fucking ballistic. As in, all Pumpkin Spice has been destroyed forever. No more lattes. No more mochas. No more frappes. No pumpkin spice. Pumpkins still exist. But the spice? We forgot how to make it. And if someone was to get close to being able to replicate how it is made, they will suddenly be eaten by Bobby Dean. Like he’s Jaws. Speaking of which, Lord Kurosame-sama isn’t here because he’s busy with Bang!’s TC-X Tournament.
All this to say, Vickie is PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSED. And Garry, hearing some besmirching of The Good Lord Dale, maybe?, just about mollywhops Vickie. She lets out a shriek. Like, another shriek somehow in the midst of her constant banshee scream. The Generalissimo stops just short of hitting the wonderful and pure Generalissima to be. And he stops. He manages to stop himself.
Only for Jonathan-Christopher to grab hold of Garry and roll him up, getting a lot of gear in the process.
Garry kicks out at two of the pinfall attempt because this match isn’t being written by a mark, but before he can really try to continue his ascent through SlapsleVania, he gets hit with an atrocious, sloppy spinning wheel kick that looks like it should blow out the ass of his board shorts. The way it connects causes The Generalissimo to curl up like he just got bodied by Bill Laimbeer, and without the ability to have a basketball to chuck back at him in response, merely struggles. Charging forward, JCH, seeing the opportunity, takes off, and hits a running leg drop. He then quickly covers.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall is in shock! Beside himself. He’s starts to cry. How could such a move not advance him forward? The most devastating move in all of professional wrestling no less!
Nick Stuart: Jonathan-Christopher Hall is trying, he’s trying to get an advantage here, after that barrage of slaps…
Richard Parker: I think he took bits of skin off him!
Nick Stuart: The bigger thing is…Hall needs to keep himself going. As much as people might view him in a certain way given the Love Convoy, given his relationship with Vickie Hall, Jonathan-Christopher has wins over former Intense Champion Anna Daniels, over two time Universal Champion Hayes Hanlon–
Richard Parker: HE ANNIHILATED CANCER JILES!!!!!
Nick Stuart: I wouldn’t go that far–
Richard Parker: DESTROYED! CRUSHED! PEED ON! POOPED ON! VOMITED ON! AS HE SHOULD! AS WE ALL SHOULD! BECAUSE IT’S JILES!
Wiping away his tears, Jonathan-Christopher punches the canvas, getting angry. Furious. He stands up and starts laying the lumber on Garry. Boots all over. Like a drunken, sloppy as hell Garvin Stomp. And Garry lays there, in agony, unable to take it. He grunts and groans as the Psycho Power leaves his body. The Monster Babies of Bolambaland cry blood or acid or whatever the fuck they do in a small island country that totally exists. And then, JCH grabs hold of Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba in the true deadliest move in all of professional wrestling.
The crowd in Greensboro boos. Vickie Hall swoons over her Amazing Life Partner realizing THEIR wrestling dream. And as Jonathan-Christopher yanks back, he blows a kiss to his true love.
Richard Parker: Ugh…this is…
It is in the throes of outright agony that Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba almost quits. He almost gives up. A submission of this magnitude would be devastating to Bolambaland, towards his quest. It would undo the grabbing of The Jowl Man and the boot to his face and the sinister undertones behind Garry’s continued descent into madness. But he can barely hold on. Barely survive. That is, until he hears the creed from his legion of Monsters surrounding the ring.
Monsters: THE WINNER AIN’T THE ONE WITH THE FASTEST CAR, IT’S THE ONE WHO REFUSES TO LOSE! THE WINNER AIN’T THE ONE WITH THE FASTEST CAR, IT’S THE ONE WHO REFUSES TO LOSE! THE WINNER AIN’T THE ONE WITH THE FASTEST CAR, IT’S THE ONE WHO REFUSES TO LOSE!
The Creed of Dale. The Generalissimo’s eyes light up. He begins to shake violently. His arms shoot up skyward. Reaching to the Heaven’s, Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba starts to rise with Jonathan-Christopher Hall doing little to impede him. He is shook. Bewildered. Such a display of raw will and determination. Garry, being a taller man, is able to break the hold just by standing up. The Timid Tiger just stares at his hands, absolutely mortified, and screams.
It’s only then that he realizes too late that his just got hit with a brutal axe kick.
Nick Stuart: Oh my word! What a blow from that kick from Bolamba! And now he is lifting him up…vertical suplex!
Richard Parker: Given how tall Garry is, that suplex was from WAY on high!
Nick Stuart: Remind you of anything?
Richard Parker: Yeah…that commercial for McDonald’s where two Olympic basketball players where playing a game of horse to win a Big Mac.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba is feeling it! And Jonathan-Christopher Hall is not! The record speaks for itself. Jonathan-Christopher is a terrible wrestler, but his number of wins and his competition speak to just how massive an upset this could be. As unskilled as he may be, most expected him to move on. But perhaps it isn’t meant to be. Perhaps The Generalissimo is the true terror in JCH’s dreams. Perhaps, for the second year in a row, the Amazing Life Partner’s Almasy True Love Holiday Victory Parade is dashed. And as Hall starts to wobble to his feet, Ray-Ray readies to blast him with his kill shot.
Nick Stuart: Hall is lined up…Bolamba with the spin–
Richard Parker: And HALL IS STUMBLING FORWARD RIGHT INTO–
Nick Stuart: BLOOD ON THE–
Richard Parker: WAIT!
Turnbull doesn’t see it.
The booing fans in Greensboro do.
Power fist lifted, activation in the pills. The Generalissimo must not have worn his jewel encrusted Bolambaland supporter. His eyes cross.
Richard Parker: CHASING AMY!
Nick Stuart: HEAVY running flying back elbow–
Richard Parker: Garry doesn’t know–
Bolamba gets up too soon. The decision as ill advised as being in French Lick Indiana in the winter time and shoveling your mother’s driveway. Hall grabs him and hooks him.
Nick Stuart: STAND BY ME! STAND BY ME! COVER!
DING DING DING
Why did the Monsters do nothing to Vickie Hall? Well, Monsters know when to be afraid of other Monsters. And Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba pays the price as a result. Flopped on the canvas, grabbing his head, The Generalissimo is unaware of what just transpired. Jonathan-Christopher? He gets up, falls down, then darts out of the ring, trying to get away from all this craziness as quickly as he can…completely blind to the worse craziness that he’s attached at the hip to.
Vince Howard: Your winner…and moving on to the QUAAAAAAARTERFINALS! OF THE 2023! SEEEEEEEEYMOUR! ALMASY! INVITATIONAL! JOOOOOOOOOOOONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER! HAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!
Nick Stuart: This one–
Richard Parker: Absolutely weird. But the Almasy only has fourteen now…and one of them is Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
We go elsewhere, all as Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba is surrounded by his Monster Army, asking them, in an apparently daze, one simple question.
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba: 🦈
We then cut to commercial.