Jonathan-Christopher Hall vs. Jacob Mephisto vs. Larry Tact vs. Tapioca Puddings

Nick Stuart: We’re about to get the action underway tonight, beginning with our first Five Star Scramble contest! A single pinfall by any of the competitors in this match will earn them an opportunity to compete for the PRIME Five Star Championship!

Richard Parker: A wee bit of redemption for those who took an early leave of the Almasy Invitational. Hang on, are we missing somebody? I’m only counting three people in the ring.

At the open, Larry Tact, Jacob Mephisto, and the inseparable pair of Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall are standing in the ring, impatiently waiting for the last entrant.

♪Ooooh whoo hoo hoo!♪

The upbeat, synthesizer-driven tune of “Friends With P.” by the Rentals hits the speakers. However, having just witnessed the events of the cold open, the PRIMEates wonder if he’s even going to make it out in time. 

Nick Stuart: Well, we just saw Tapioca Puddings in a dead sprint toward the entrance, but maybe he took a little time to slip on some gear before heading out.

Sorry, Nick. A smattering of cheers pulsate across the MGM Grand as the redhead emerges from behind the curtain, sans his ring gear. He is breathing a little heavy but seems to be slowly regaining his stamina as he slows his pace on the way to the ring. However, the applause seems to die down rather quickly as it appears that Muriel is not with him.

Richard Parker: Missed the mark on that, Nick. He’s still wearing the same khaki shorts and old-man velcro shoes from before, only without that gaudy-looking Mussy T-shirt. I don’t know what’s worse: having to look at this pale skeleton’s torso or that piece of merch that was designed by Facebook robots.

Actually, it was designed by a real person, Rich, thank you very much.

Nick Stuart: Just one other thing seems to be missing, folks. Where in the world is Muriel?

While still a rubber ball of anxiety, at least there’s one thing Tapioca feels some relief about: he apparently wasn’t the only one late for their entrance. Ambling closer to the ring, in which the other competitors are patiently waiting, he looks back to see if she is going to make her way out.

♪If you’re friends with P., well then you’re friends with me.♪
♪If you’re down with P., well then you’re down with me.♪

Suddenly, a roar arises as a spotlight shines over to the top of the camera-side lower level section of the Grand. It’s Muriel, carrying a tray filled with nachos, hot dogs, and sodas. There’s a look of surprise on her face as she begins to shuffle down the steps, stopping briefly at one of the rows and leaning over three other people to hand the food to an unidentified woman next to an empty seat.

Richard Parker: Oh my god! Is that…could that be her?

Nick Stuart: The rumors must be true! Karen Puddings, the mother of PRIME’s own take on sibling rivalry, is in the building tonight!

Richard Parker: Wow. Not what I expected, but literally everything I expected. She definitely looks like she’s threatened to send Tapioca to military school every day of his life. Even yesterday.

The camera pans to a close-up of the redhead, a similar vibe to Lawanda Dumore from underrated comedy Problem Child 2, who sets the food down next to her and blows her daughter a kiss. There is no time to waste, though, as Muriel mutters a quick “I love you” before hustling down the stairs and over the barricade to ringside. Tapioca has since made his way to his corner and is in mid-prayer to whatever form of deity will listen.

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening contest is a Five Star Scramble qualifying match scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Manhattan, New York and weighing in at two-hundred and sixty pounds… LARRY TACT!

Standing tall in his corner, Tact pumps his arms into the air and does a small circle. He grimaces at the negative crowd reaction, but nevertheless refocuses himself and gets read for the action.

Vince Howard: Accompanied by his sister Muriel and hailing from Chubbuck, Idaho, he weighs in at one-hundred and seventy pounds… TAPIOCA PUDDINGS!

Muriel enthusiastically claps in support of the younger Puddings sibling. Tapioca practically shrinks as his name is called, until he sees Muriel threatening to punch him, and promptly throws his arms into the air.

Vince Howard: Introducing next, fighting out of Nazareth, Pennsylvania, and standing at the weight of two-hundred and sixty-five pounds… JACOB MEPHISTO!

A dark smile crosses Mephisto’s face as he holds his arms out to his sides. He ignores the jeers from the audience and continues to stare down his opponents.

Vince Howard: And finally, accompanied by his Amazing Life Partner Vickie Hall, from Folsom, Louisiana and weighing in at two-hundred and twenty pounds… JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL!

Vickie Hall wears a beaming smile as she waves to the crowd, squeezing hard on Jonathan-Christopher’s hand to get him to follow suit and wave along with her. Presiding official then promptly asks the ladies to exit the ring as she gets ready to kick things off.

DING DING

Off the bell, all four competitors linger in their corners: Larry watches the other three intently for someone to make the first move. Jonathan-Christopher looks unsure of himself. Tapioca cringes back into his corner. Mephisto simply squats low and watches the others, planning things out.

It’s Tact who finally breaks the ice, marching over to Tapioca (who expectedly freezes up like a deer in headlights) and introducing the kid to the turnbuckle by repeatedly bashing his face into it. Hall sees an opening and runs into the action, but runs into an elbow from Larry, who anticipates him coming. JC staggers, and Tact easily slips behind him for a released German Suplex!

Nick Stuart: Larry Tact is off to the races, making quick work of both Tapioca and Jonathan-Christopher!

Richard Parker: I have little doubt that he could easily handle those two scrubs, but the one he ought to be wary of is Jacob Mephisto.

Tact rolls to his feet and immediately looks to Mephisto, who has circled around to the other corner and continues to study the action from afar. Larry instead chooses to go after Tapioca, who is stumbling around aimlessly while clutching his face. The younger Puddings sibling receives a straight boot to the gut before being dropped to the mat with a Keylock DDT!

As Tact lays more boots into Tapioca, Jacob finally moves out of the corner, advancing on the slower to recover JC. Vickie Hall is slapping the mat, desperately trying to get him back into it… when she suddenly glances over and spots Muriel right beside her, grinning ear to ear. Muriel inches in closer, trying to buddy up. Wrinkling her nose, Vickie quickly moves around to the other side of the ring. 

Mephisto pulls JC to his feet, flipping him back to the canvas HARD with a Snap Suplex before rolling him over and aggressively dropping knees into the small of his back! Vickie cries out in concern as her ALP’s face contorts in anguish! Jacob rolls Hall onto his back and makes the pin attempt…

ONE!

TWO!

And it’s BROKEN UP by Larry Tact!

Nick Stuart: Tact makes the save, showing some veteran ring awareness!

Richard Parker: Not as if that Puddings kid was giving him any reason to keep his attention!

Tapioca is curled into a fetal position away from the action, as Tact pulls Mephisto to his feet, stuns him with a forearm and hooks him for a suplex… but Mephisto hooks a leg to block it, and reverses with a Gordbuster! He glances over and sees JC slowly sitting up, and quickly runs over and delivers a soccer kick to his spine to keep him writhing in pain on the mat!

Mephisto turns his attention to the remaining man, Tapioca, who is trying to crawl out of the ring. He stops when he looks up to see his sister glaring back at him, and his nails practically leave claw marks into the apron when Jacob drags him away from the ropes and effortlessly lifts him up and holds him in place until drilling him into a delayed Brainbuster! Tapioca’s body folds like an accordian as it crumples to the mat, and outside the ring, an exasperated Muriel groans.

Nick Stuart: Jacob Mephisto with the COME AND SEE on Tapioca! Biding his time has paid off, as he has taken complete control of this match!

Richard Parker: The guy is plenty creepy with that whole weird following of his, but that ability to watch and learn is definitely one of his greatest strengths.

Jacob is about to make a pin until he sees Tact pushing himself off the mat, and quickly throws him into a headlock. Undeterred, Larry powers himself up and bulls Mephisto into the corner. Away from the struggle, JC sits up once again and spots Vickie outside the ring, pounding the mat and begging him to get up. 

Much to her chagrin, Muriel comes up beside her and joins in on the cheerleading. Vickie slowly and awkwardly looks over, visibly repulsed by Muriel. Thinking quickly, she redirects her ALP’s attention over to the unmoving body of Tapioca, and tells him to go for the pin. JC makes his move, rolling the Puddings brother onto his back and hooking the leg. Muriel looks absolutely betrayed!

ONE!

TWO!

Muriel Puddings: GET UP, TWERP!!

TAPIOCA POPS THE SHOULDER!

Larry Tact pounds Mephisto into the corner with repeated shoulder blocks to the mid-section. Jacob soaks it up until Larry takes him by the arm and attempts to Irish whip him across the ring… and smoothly counters, sending Tact colliding into the opposite turnbuckle! Hall is pulling Puddings back off the mat when he sees Mephisto bearing down on them, and thinking quickly, uses Tapioca as a battering ram to knock Jacob back into the corner.

JC rushes over and catches the recovering Tact with a running knee strike against the turnbuckles. Hall lays into him with rights and lefts while across the ring, a terrified Tapioca wakes up and spastically slaps at Jacob Mephisto as his fight-or-flight senses kick in. The PRIMEates cheer wildly!

RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Nick Stuart: Against all odds, Jonathan-Christopher Hall and Tapioca Puddings have turned the tables on Tact and Mephisto! This crowd is absolutely LOVING it!

Richard Parker: Who would’ve ever thought we’d see these two in control of the action?

On the floor, Vickie hops in place and claps excitedly as her ALP gets his hits in. Once again, she looks over and sees Muriel in her presence, likewise cheering on Tapioca. Puddings affectionately throws an arm over Vickie’s shoulders. Disgusted, Vickie shoves her off.

Vickie Hall: Get AWAY FROM ME, you… YOU UNMARRIED COW!

Vickie again goes to another side of the ring, leaving Muriel standing there as her grin melts into a seething sneer! Scheming something new, she looks up to Jonathan-Christopher in the ring…

Meanwhile, Mephisto finally reaches his limit as he brushes Tapioca’s slaps aside and rocks him with a headbutt! Tapioca reels and drops to a knee, giving Mephisto the perfect step-up for a Shining Axe Kick!

Nick Stuart: END OF FAITH by Jacob Mephisto! He nearly took Tapioca’s head off!

Hall takes Tact by the arm and sends him into motion with the whip out of the corner, but Tact reverses! Hall narrowly DUCKS a short-arm clothesline by Mephisto before connecting into the corner, but the brief distraction is all Larry needs to twirl Jacob around and sends him flying with an Uranage Suplex!

Nick Stuart: THE HUMBLING by Larry Tact on Jacob Mephisto! Seeing moves left and right now!

Tact quickly makes the cover…

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT by Jacob Mephisto!

Tact delivers a kick to Mephisto to keep him on the mat before going for the easier target in Tapioca. Hall catches his breath in the corner.

“HEY THERE, STUD!”

Hearing the voice, JC turns around… and freezes when he sees someone standing on the apron, just on the other side of the ropes.

Nick Stuart: And now we got MURIEL on the apron!

Muriel reaches over with both hands, grabs Jonathan-Christopher by the head… and immediately starts sucking face! Vickie’s wails of horror are drowned out by an uproar of cheers from the PRIMEates in attendance!

RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Richard Parker: EEEWWW!!

Nick Stuart: Oh man… Vickie can’t be happy about that! Looks like JC is in the doghouse tonight!

JC pushes himself free and falls onto his ass, panic and shock etched on his handsome, blanched face. He looks from the salaciously grinning Muriel to Vickie, whose face is slowly forming into a terrifying mask of betrayal, heartbreak, and murderous rage. He has no idea how he’s going to make it out of this alive… 

Until he looks over and sees Larry Tact peeling the near lifeless Tapioca off the mat and setting him up for a powerbomb. This is his one and only chance to save himself from the situation.

Nick Stuart: Tact, looking to finish things, has Tapioca set up for the STARBREAKER —

But he suddenly drops to the mat with Tapioca CRUSHING his chest after JC Hall clips his knee from behind!

Richard Parker: Spoke too soon, Nick! The simp’s got that crazy gotta-save-my-marriage energy in him now! I know the feeling too well!

Nick Stuart: I somehow don’t find that hard to believe.

Hall throws one more glance to the outside where he spots Vickie looking like she’s about to explode into a violent and emotional storm of anger. He quickly throws the younger Puddings sibling to the side and hooks Tact’s arms to wrangle him to his feet and elevates him off the mat…

Nick Stuart: STAND BY ME onto Larry Tact by JC Hall! 

Hall goes for the cover. Mephisto recovers in time to see it, but inadvertently stumbles over Tapioca’s prone body as he tries to break it up.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING

“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith hits the PA. As soon as she realizes that Jonathan-Christopher has come through in his PRIME “debut”, Vickie suddenly forgets JC’s impropriety and ecstatically screams while jumping in place. A second too late, Jacob Mephisto can only shake his head in disgust before leaving the ring.

Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, by pinfall… JONATHAN… CHRISTOPHER… HAAAAALLLLL!!

Nick Stuart: It may not have been the outcome anyone predicted, but it looks like Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall have taken a bold step forward in their Hallmark Journey here tonight!

Richard Parker: The simp caught a lucky break, Nick. Nothing more to it than that. 

Nick Stuart: In any case, through all the craziness, the Timid Tiger has earned himself a place in the running for the Five Star Championship, and back into the good graces of his “Amazing Life Partner” after his awkward close encounter with Muriel!

The ring area is nothing short of chaotic in the aftermath: Larry Tact, upon recovery, immediately argues with Barlow that he got the shoulder up, but the official is clearly not buying it. Jacob Mephisto slinks away into the shadows. The enraged Muriel Puddings slides into the ring and berates Tapioca, who hasn’t moved from his place on the mat. The shot briefly cuts to Karen Puddings in the audience, her face plastered in ketchup in mustard, shaking her head in disappointment as she looks upon the disappointment of her progeny.

Through all of this, Vickie Hall scrambles into the ring and wraps her arms around Jonathan-Christopher. He breathes a sigh of relief. Then she spots Muriel, and the rage kicks in. Before long, JC is holding her back from throwing herself at the elder Pudding sibling. Muriel puts her expert multi-tasking skills on display by taunting Vickie while simultaneously slapping the piss out of Tapioca.

Richard Parker: Look out, Nick! We might have a catfight on our hands here!

Nick Stuart: This looks like a good opportunity to jump backstage where our own Angie Brooks is standing by!