JUST HOW BIG IS THE SIZE OF IVAN STANISLAV’S PERSONAL “ARESENAL”?
Back from commercial, the scene opens with Alexei Ruslan in a private dressing room backstage at the Baltimore Arena. This isn’t to say that he should be there, but he’s there regardless. The Russians look like they’ve taken it upon themselves to move in, as a large Soviet flag is hung along the far wall, and at least one of the surrounding chairs is appropriately Stanislav-sized.
Ruslan is dressed in his typical attire, complete with his hat, and he stares at a monitor that sits on a stand in the corner, showing the view of a camera not used for the ReVival 32 telecast, that is pointed towards the ring. His arms are crossed and he purses his lips thoughtfully, before checking a watch on his right wrist.
The voice from off camera is unmistakable.
Ivan Stanislav: Where in Lenin’s name are they?
Ruslan sighs as Ivan approaches from behind, standing well over a head taller than his friend, The Russian Bear looks down at the monitor. He’s freshly showered and cleaned up following his match with Eddie Cross. Ruslan shrugs.
Alexei Ruslan: I have no idea, Praporshchik. I would have thought Schwartz and Freeman would have been here by now. Maybe they got lost?
Ivan grumbles and rolls his eyes.
Ivan Stanislav: Perhaps. Those damned PRIME interviewers still refuse to speak to us. Hmph. I thought maybe Kenny or Randall would suffice, but who knows where they are?!
Ivan cuts his eyes over to the door. You don’t expect many people to knock on your door, looking for you, when you’re Ivan Stanislav.
She enters the room one leg at a time. I mean, of course she does, that’s how you enter a room…unless you can fly, or you’re using a pogo stick. And as much as some of our fans might enjoy the visual of that last one, there’s no way she’s about to risk bruising the merchandise. Not after what she spent on plastic surgery.
Yes, Savannah Scandal is gracing your screens once more. The two Russians raise their eyebrows simultaneously.
Savannah Scandal: Hello there. I heard there were a couple of handsome men in here, looking for someone to talk to.
Stanislav looks down at Alexei.
Alexei looks up at Stanislav.
Ivan clears his throat.
Ivan Stanislav: Uh… yes well, we are two of best looking men in PRIME.
Ivan mutters to Alexei in their native tongue.
Ivan Stanislav: Ты заказал мнетанцовщицу, Алексей?! (Did you order me a dancer, Alexei?!)
Ruslan blanches and adjusts his tie.
Alexei Ruslan: Nyet, comrade…
Savannah stands before Ivan and Alexei, offering a small curtsy before sitting down.
Savannah Scandal: Praporshchik Stanislav, my name is Savannah Scandal. I’ve been invited here tonight as…an objective journalist. I’d love to get a word with a man who has risen…all the way…up the ranks to become the greatest wrestler in PRIME.
Stanislav’s smile spreads wide on his face and he chuckles to himself. He grips one of his suspenders and repositions it on his large shoulder, while simultaneously grabbing his own huge chair and dragging it across from Savannah. Ruslan sighs and turns his back on the duo and instead returns to the monitor. Ivan settles in the chair.
Ivan Stanislav: Are you not a breath of fresh air, Ms. Scandal! Yes of course, it is only natural one would want to get word with Praporshchik Stanislav. And good use of my title. So then, ask away!
She puts on a very satisfied smile, and leans forward to show off more of the aforementioned “merchandise.”
Savannah Scandal: Wonderful. Ivan, we all know that Russia has the strongest, most powerful military in the world. But what my readers really want to know is, how big is your own personal arsenal?
Stanislav leans back slightly in his chair. He clears his throat thoughtfully, oblivious to the proffered “merchandise” but, then again, he is a communist through and through, right?
Ivan Stanislav: Ah, yes I appreciate your respect for military of Russia. But as for myself? I stand seven feet one inch tall by U.S. measurements and I maintain a weight of four hundred pounds.
He offers a helpful smile.
Ivan Stanislav: That information is readily available on PRIME website.
Savannah Scandal: Wha–? That’s not…
Rare is the man who can actually fluster Savannah Scandal. But here is the moment, captured on our cameras for all to see. Still, she regroups quickly.
Savannah Scandal: No, I mean, your private armament. Are we talking an AK? A tank cannon? Certainly not a .22 caliber pistol.
While she speaks, Ruslan slowly turns halfway and looks back at her. His brows are furrowed curiously as he listens. Ivan, however, doesn’t seem confused at all by the question and responds with gusto.
Ivan Stanislav: Oh, my dear Savannah, I was infantry. Not part of tank crew! I could not fit even if I wished. I had customary sidearm during military service, of course, but I primarily use AK-74. Good, sturdy rifle in Afghanistan. I still have it in my office. Why, I could have gone with AKS-74, but the folding stock did not fit well with my frame, you see. However, I was large enough that it was easy for me to hold RPK-74 as well. That is light machine gun, you see? I could hold PKM as well, that is heavy machine gun perhaps, but that was not very conducive to infantry patrols. But yes, I am private gun owner, and have many other weapons. But for security reasons I…
He blinks as he looks down and finally sees… more… of Savannah. His train of thought is derailed for a moment. He clears his throat.
Ivan Stanislav: …ahem… I cannot speak in more detail.
Savannah is almost too dumbfounded by Ivan’s answer to react. She briefly looks at Alexei, as if asking without words if she’s being unclear. Ruslan blinks blankly at her.
On the other hand, she did notice Ivan’s sudden shift in attention, and she tries again.
Savannah Scandal: When you…stand at attention…how big is your salute?
Ruslan rolls his eyes and turns his back to them once more. Ivan blinks curiously and tilts his head to the side.
Ivan Stanislav: I cannot say, for various reasons, uh, how long my arm is when I salute. I would rather not give, uh, undue information to potential opponents.
That light is very, very slowly, starting to turn on, Ivan.
Ivan Stanislav: I… uh… why do you ask?
Savannah Scandal: It’s what my readers want to read about. They’re very patriotic.
Ivan clears his throat once more, a low, rumbling growl.
Ivan Stanislav: I would… suggest… they just… use… their… imagination.
Ruslan, with his back still to the car wreck behind him, places his hand over his eyes.
Scandal smirks, now that she’s finally gotten through to the enormous Russian. She leans in a little closer, and speaks barely above a whisper.
Savannah Scandal: Now, I’m just a decadent American, so I might not truly understand…but I wonder if you could describe for me a truly passionate Russian…experience.
It sounds like a whip crack, as Ivan’s right suspender suddenly snaps from the waist of his pants and flies over his shoulder.
Alexei Ruslan: Okay! I think we have all heard enough! Thank you, Ms. Scandal!
Stanislav surges to his feet as his state of minor undress indeed snaps him back to the present, and he turns and grabs the strap and starts to fix it to the waist of his work pants.
Ivan Stanislav: Uh, yes… yes Ms. Scandal I believe that will be enough. I tell you uh, story like that some other time, eh?
Savannah Scandal: Of course. Спасибо (Thank you) for your time, gentlemen.
She stands up and sashays toward the door. Is she putting a little bit of extra swing in her step? Of course she is.
Savannah Scandal: I hope the next time we meet is just as…fulfilling.
As the door shuts behind her, Ruslan stares daggers up at Ivan.
Ivan Stanislav: What?
Ruslan shakes his head.
Alexei Ruslan: Gun talk, Praporshchik? You think she wanted to talk gun talk?!
Ivan shakes his head.
Ivan Stanislav: Enough of that!
He looks at the monitor thoughtfully.
Ivan Stanislav: I have to go take walk, you stay here in case Freeman and Schwartz show.
Ruslan nods, while Ivan walks to the door, opens it, and pauses.
Ivan Stanislav: And why not send her my card. You know, just in case?
And with that, Stanislav thunders out of the office. Ruslan sighs and goes back to the monitor.
We then cut to a man not quite as scary as Ivan Stanislav, but with teeth that definitely scare people.