KENNY FREEMAN VS. BOBBY DEAN
Nick Stuart: Next up, Kenny Freeman and Bobby Dean set to square off! Richard, hit me with some of your thoughts on this weird entanglement in the tag division.
Richard Parker: The only entanglements I care about are the knots in poor Randall Schwartz’s necktoral muscles.
Nick Stuart: Those aren’t a thing. You know that, right?
Richard Parker: Are you saying the basic anatomy 101 course at Hollywood Upstairs Medical School lied to me?
Nick Stuart: In no uncertain terms… yes.
“You’re the Best Around” hits on the PA as a mixed reaction, mostly boos, fills the arena for the arrival of the Beautiful Man from Honalee. Bobby Dean steps out of the curtain holding a turkey leg in each hand. He is air-drumming with them, poorly, to the rhythm of the song.
Richard Parker: I’m speechless.
Nick Stuart: I’m not! Thanksgiving is in six days, Richard. It’s Bobby’s favorite day of the year!
Bobby grooves and glides gracefully to the ring working the imaginary skins with those turkey drums oblivious to the crowd’s reactions to him. He climbs the apron and rolls into the ring, putting one turkey leg in his mouth while slipping his left arm out of the robe and then switching and repeating with the right.
Vince Howard: This match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Arriving to the ring, from Houston, TX weighing in at 369 pounds, he is the Beautiful Man from Honalee and one third of the eGG Bandits…
The crowd boos LUSTILY at the mention of Cancer Jiles’ band of miscreants.
Vince Howard: …BOBBY DEEEEEEEEEEAAAANNNNNN!!
Bobby raises both drums in the air, soaking in the reaction from the crowd. The PA dies down momentarily before “Let Me Entertain You” replaces it. Kenny Freeman emerges holding the latest Food-O-Matic model, this time with “bass processing” technology, with Randall Schwartz in a neck brace trailing. Fans in the audience who are old enough to remember first-cast Saturday Night Live are buzzing to themselves.
Vince Howard: His opponent, weighing in at 160 pounds and hailing from Los Angeles, CA, he is one half of Masters of the Multiverse… B-Team… KENNY FREEEEEEEEEEEEMANNNNNNNNNN!!
Kenny hands the food processor off to Randall, and hops on the apron.
Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell…
DING DING DING
And the match begins with K-Free approaching Big Beautiful Bobby looking to lock up with him. He attempts to reach in, but Bobby bonks him in the head with one of the turkey legs. Kenny gives an exaggerated “OUCH!” while clutching his head before moving back in to try again. The Biggest Bandit hits him in the head with the other turkey leg.
Richard Parker: No fair! That’s contraband! Turnbull, do something!
Nick Stuart: I agree it’s weaponry, unorthodox as it is, but you should know by now PRIME officials give a lot of latitude towards Bobby Dean for using food in a match.
Richard Parker: Yeah, I see that. I wouldn’t want to see him hangry either.
Kenny moves in one more time, ducking down to avoid a turkey leg bop, but Bobby, the quickest he’s ever moved, dips his right arm down and uppercuts the turkey leg into Kenny’s mouth, trying to shove it down his throat. He pushes Kenny’s head up and back in a makeshift mandible claw, using the turkey leg as leverage, all while shouting at Turnbull “ASK HIM! ASK HIM!”
Nick Stuart: Even if he does give up, I’m not sure it’d be legal.
Richard Parker: I’m just impressed Bobby is sharing his food for once.
Turnbull exhausts his five count and is able to wrest both turkey legs from Bobby’s grasp. The Big Man from Honalee sulks at the loss of his mid-match snack, which gives Kenny the open door to wrap the big man’s arm behind his back in a hammerlock. Bobby shoots his free elbow back to break the hold, but Kenny outfoxes him by dodging and floating into a side headlock. Bobby pushes off, sending Kenny into the ropes. K-Free charges in, only to be sent back down to the mat with a shoulder block. He gets up again and charges off the ropes on his own volition this time. As Bobby braces for another shoulder block, Kenny puts on the brakes and pokes the big man in the eye.
Nick Stuart: Dirty pool from Kenny Freeman there!
Richard Parker: What do you mean? I didn’t see anything, just good clean Greco-Roman wrestling from someone wrestling a dirty rotten eGG Bandit.
Nick Stuart: What part of the Roman Empire emphasized eye gouges?
Richard Parker: Malta. Never trust the Maltese.
As Bobby staggers around the ring holding his face, Kenny hits him with a quick drop toehold before wrenching in a side headlock on the mat. While Turnbull’s attention is squarely on the headlock in the ring, the crowd turns its collective gaze to the entryway.
Nick Stuart: Oh wow, look at who’s come to pay a visit!
Richard Parker: Just what we need. Kickpads and the OSU Man.
Nick Stuart: Now, now Richard, he says a lot more words than OSU now.
David Fox starts jawing with Randall Schwartz at ringside while Mushi takes dead stare at Bobby Dean, still in the headlock, laughing at him. In the confusion, Fred Mayhew ambles down to the ring to even the odds for his side, taking no time to get right in the faces of Fox and Schwartz. Freeman breaks the hold and starts jawing at Mushi, but the God-Beast shockingly waves him off and says he wants Bobby Dean.
Richard Parker: Already too many people at ringside right now. I’m starting to get nervous. This is like when I went to Altamont.
Nick Stuart: I know for a fact you were too young to have gone to that music festival.
Richard Parker: Who said anything about a music festival? This was in 1996 for a Beanie Babies Convention.
Turnbull warns all the competitors on the outside to knock it off, but the congregation grows as Bobby Dean rolls to the outside to take umbrage directly with the Kaiju. They start arguing, while Kenny drops to the outside to usher Randall away from the Fox/Mayhew conflagration. Freeman sneaks back into the ring as Mushi keeps his interactions with Bobby verbal only to avoid handing him a win. Turnbull begins to count.
ONE!
TWO
THREE!
Bobby is oblivious as he’s getting even more heated at Mushi’s mere presence. The two titans of the ring are face to face, arguing over something.
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
Bobby hears the count and goes to turn around to get back in the ring. However, Mushi has other ideas and turns him around to say one last thing to his face.
Mushigihara: INU!
Bobby Dean: Whaa?
In his confusion, he misses Turnbull’s final count.
NINE!
TEN!
Jimmy Turnbull: RING THE BELL!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner, as a result of a countout, KENNY FREEMAN!
Bobby and Fred are STUNNED. Randall joins Kenny in the ring, arms raised, but Mayhew jumps in to chase after them. No sooner does he hop on the apron do they drop out and escape through the crowd. Meanwhile, David drags Mayhew off the apron and, with the match decided, Mushi finally throws a blow at Bobby. The two teams brawl around the ring, but security is quick to get out there to keep it from escalating.
Richard Parker: Aww, it was just getting good! I wanted to see the Mix smash those eGGs into oblivion.
Nick Stuart: There’s already been too much extracurricular violence here in PRIME lately. Regardless, we’re going to have to take a commercial break. We’ll be right back after these messages!
Richard Parker: Hopefully not from WarmCold.