KENNY FREEMAN VS. DARIN ZION
It’s time for ReVival 37! And you know what that means!
BRING TAYLOR SWIFT TO COLOSSUS
AS A CLOWN I HAVE NEVER PULLED OUT OF SOMEBODY
IVAN SHITS IN THE WOODS
WELCOME TO THE KFC LORD GAVIN YUM! CENTER
37 REVS IS WHAT IT TAKES TO GET MY DAMN LAWNMOWER STARTED #JUSTDADSTUFF
THIS SIGN WAS LONGER IN WORD THAN WORDPRESS
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOURTEEN WORDS I HAD WRITTEN OUT
IS IVAN STANISLAV UB40? BECAUSE HE LOVES TO RED, RED WHINE
14 WORDS, 14 WORDS, AND ON HIS 14TH ROLEPLAY, HE FOUND OUT IT WASN’T HIS??
NOW I AINT SAYIN SHE A WORD MISSER / BUT SHE AINT MESSIN WITH NO WORD LIMITS
Nick Stuart: It’s Friday night, and welcome to ReVival 37! I’m Nick Stuart, and joining me tonight is the one and only Richard Parker!
Richard Parker: One of a kind, that’s me!
Nick Stuart: And we’re kicking things off straight to the action!
For that, we go to Vince Howard.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a first round match in the Seymour Almasy Memorial Tournament!
We start with the beginning of REO Speedwagon’s “Keep on Loving You”, with a giant heart appearing on the PRIMEview beating to the song.
“REAL LOVE” Darin Zion emerges from the curtains to a chorus of boos, decked out in a pink and purple robe. Bathed in a pink spotlight, Zion swerves as he drives to the ring, hips shaking. He’s cocky and arrogant and very sure of himself as he makes his way down to the ring.
Vince Howard: Introducing first… from Chicago, Illinois… weighing in at two hundred and eighteen pounds! HE IS REAL LOVE! DARIIIIIIIIINNNNN ZIOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
Zion disrobes himself before sliding into the ring, posing like a French model as he does.
Nick Stuart: We’re starting tonight with some Love Convoy representation.
Richard Parker: A shame Vickie’s not here.
Nick Stuart: Oh, yes, real crying shame.
As Darin Zion waits for his opponent, taunting the name of “Kenny Freeman” with every move he makes, Vince Howard continues his introductions.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…
There ain’t no party like a Soviet party because a Soviet party seizes the means of partying! At least, that’s the impression one gets when listening to the trap remix of the Soviet National Anthem by Michah Ray. There’s no Randall Schwartz this week, which is probably good since there’s always a chance that he tries to take the Bang! All Day Championship from Kenny’s waist.
Once man who would never take that opportunity is the absolute mammoth of a man walking out behind Kenny as he makes his way to the ring – the PRIME Universal Champion and glorious leader of the Red Army, Ivan Stanislav.
Vince Howard: Being accompanied by the PRIME Universal Champion, Ivan Stanislav… from Los Angeles, California… weighing in at one hundred and sixty pounds… representing the RED ARMY! KENNNNNNNYYYYY FREEEEEEMAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Boos rain down on the pair as neither pay any attention to the scorn being hurled in their directions. Freeman rolls into the ring while Stanislav stands as a sentinel in the red corner, wearing his championship belt proudly.
Richard Parker: I have it on good authority that Ivan will be at ringside throughout the night!
Nick Stuart: Oh. Good.
Once referee Jimmy Turnbull is certain that both competitors are ready, he calls for the bell.
The two men circled each other before locking up in the center of the ring. This goes pretty poorly for one of them as Zion uses his height and weight advantage to push Freeman into the corner. Turnbull quickly tries to get the two separated and back into the middle of the ring. Zion backs off slightly with a smug look on his face, but while Darin Zion is full of love… honor’s a little trickier.
He immediately takes a swing at Freeman the first chance he gets, which Freeman only avoids by ducking and moving out of the corner. A dropkick forcefully slams Zion against the turnbuckles, which is the only thing that keeps him on his feet afterwards.
Nick Stuart: Both of these men are no strangers to each other, but it looks like Kenny Freeman’s got an early advantage here.
Kenny takes a few steps back and then charges on Zion, who ducks his head and backdrops Kenny over the top ropes. Quick and cat-like aren’t usually two terms used to describe K-Free, but they’re apt in this case as Freeman landed on his feet on the apron. He places one foot on the bottom rope and uses it as leverage to punch Zion in the face to back him away from the top rope. Zion staggers back holding his jaw, and this gives Kenny time to leap onto the top rope for the springboard.
Zion’s aware of it, though, and he charges Freeman with every intention of sending him crashing to the floor like a flightless bird. Freeman jumps past Zion and lands in a roll behind him. Both turn, but Zion has more time to recover, and…
Nick Stuart: What an uppercut from Zion!
Richard Parker: Call a priest! But not Rasputin, Ivan would definitely not like that guy!
Freeman hits the ground with his whole body rolling. He briefly ends up on his feet, but then lands on his back again and falls to the outside of the ring to the bemusement of TOUGH LOVE. Zion rolls to the outside to collect Freeman, but stops for a moment when he notices where Kenny had landed: at the foot of a seven foot tall Russian carrying the greatest prize on all of PRIME.
This gives Zion pause, if only because most people would be given pause if they suddenly had to deal with Ivan. For his part, Ivan doesn’t make a single move (because he wouldn’t want his comrade to get disqualified). Zion, with some reluctance at getting so close to the dangerous Russian champion, collects a dazed Freeman and tosses him back into the ring. He’s all too quick to follow in after him before Ivan gets any ideas about actually interfering.
Nick Stuart: Zion clearly wants no part of Ivan Stanislav.
Richard Parker: Can you blame him? One wrong move and Zion’ll be introducing TOUGH LOVE at a low geosynchronous orbit!
Zion starts stomping away at Freeman’s head, forcing K-Free to retreat to a corner in order to find some semblance of protection from all of the stomping. Once he’s done doing that, he grabs Freeman by the feet and tries to drag him back to the center of the ring. Freeman, however, holds on to the ropes and this engages a little tug-of-war where the ropes are definitely miscast. Zion insists, and Freeman’s grip fades until he’s down to trying to hang on to the bottom turnbuckle cover. With one last tug, Zion pulls Freeman… free.
Freeman, however, is a lot more agile than he’s often given credit for. Zion pulls him free, but Freeman flips out and lands on his feet in front of a startled Zion. A series of forearms rocks Zion, putting him on his back foot. At least, until his knee strikes Freeman in the gut and he goes to the ground.
Zion pulls Freeman into a headlock, and looks to be uncoiling some Tough Love. However, Freeman slips out and shoves Zion into the corner with all of his might. Zion hits the turnbuckles, and turns to find Freeman coming after him. A hard enzugiri in the corner rocks Zion, who takes two steps out of the corner and then collapses to the ground.
Nick Stuart: Zion just got his bell rung!
Richard Parker: Oh no!
Freeman waits for Zion to get on his hands and knees, and then leaps over Zion’s whole body and lands a double stomp right to the back of Zion’s head!
Quickly, Freeman scrambles into the cover.
But Zion still has some life in him, and he kicks out at two. Freeman knows he needs something else to put away the Love Machine, so after giving Zion a moment to get back to his feet, he runs the ropes and comes after Zion.
Zion pops him up, though, into a fireman’s carry.
More specifically, into the…
Nick Stuart: SIXTH STAR FROM ZION!
Zion hangs on to Freeman’s head and leg, pinning him to the mat.
On the outside, Ivan Stanislav is not nearly as stoic as he’d been. He’s shouting at Kenny Freeman to get it together, because someone has to reach the finals and take the fall for Ivan, and it’s certainly not going to be Zion!
Zion ruthlessly goes right for some Tough Love. However, he’s struggling a bit with Freeman who spreads his legs out and prevents Zion from getting the leverage needed for the headlock driver. But that’s when something… unusual starts happening.
That singing is being bellowed out from the powerful lungs of Ivan Stanislav, boldly singing the Soviet national anthem to encourage Kenny Freeman. Ivan serves as a distraction for Zion who is bewildered at the fact that Ivan has the voice of an angel (if that angel were seven feet tall, Russian, and not particularly Biblically accurate).
Nick Stuart: What the… What are you doing, Richard!?
The cameras cut to Nick Stuart and Richard Parker sitting at their desk. Only, one of them isn’t sitting. Richard is standing up with full pride for a nation that isn’t actually his own.
Richard Parker: Stand up and show respect for the national anthem of PRIME!
Nick Stuart: Since when was it that!?
It’s in this moment that Zion makes a mistake. He lets go of Kenny, and goes over to complain to Ivan that his singing is not, in fact, angelic. Undeterred, Ivan kept singing. It’s not like Zion could do much in this situation – Ivan’s not getting involved.
That’s when Kenny strikes.
He quickly ducks behind Zion and rolls him up. It’s a narrow two count, but Zion is caught flat-footed when he gets to his feet and catches a full-on uncharacteristic big boot from Freeman, just as Ivan taught him. Well, he only told him about it. Okay, Kenny just saw Ivan doing it one day and decided to copy it. The point is, Ivan was involved! Spiritually. Not directly. That’d be a disqualification.
Anyway, the boot doesn’t put Zion down, but it does stagger him. Then Freeman grabs him and takes him down with something like a judo throw, before grabbing Zion’s leg and leading into…
Nick Stuart: FREEMAN SPECIAL! Out of nowhere!
Zion’s size advantage means nothing in this instance. The hold was locked in tight, and Zion had nowhere to go… but to tap out.
DING DING DING
Fans aren’t exactly happy to see Kenny Freeman – with Ivan Stanislav as a proxy – pick up the win, though their displeasure is drowned out by the trap remix of the Soviet National Anthem. Ivan finds it difficult to sing along to that one, but bless his pure red heart, he tries.
Vince Howard: The winner of this match… KENNNNNYYYYYYY FREEEEEEEMANNNNNN!!
Nick Stuart: Zion took his eyes off the ball, and that’s all it took for Kenny Freeman to pick up the win tonight!
Richard Parker: Brings a tear to my eye to see the Red Army do so well.
Nick Stuart: …Sit down already, Richard.
With Ivan entering the ring to celebrate his comrade’s victory, the scene moves on to a man who is questionably Max Kael?.