KENNY FREEMAN VS. JACK OWYNS
We pan around the Pit in Albuquerque, New Mexico, because it is ReVival 29 and that’s where we’re at! Look at all the signs! Are they not nifty?
ALBUQUERQUE LOVES RICHARD PARKER
THIS IS RICHARD PARKER COUNTRY
CONOR FUSE’S HAIR > CANCER JILES’ HAIR
ROCKY DE LEON = NEW ALIAS CHAMP
JULIAN BATHORY SPAT IN MY MAC & CHEESE BOWL
I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LEFT TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE
I’M HERE ON UNAPPROVED PTO
GET THE CRYSTAL YOU IDIOT. IT’S NOT THAT HARD.
ARE WE TSURE TSONDA ISN’T ACTUALLY A CLONE?
HE’S AT THE VERY LEAST A TSYBORG
LIZARDS ARE OMNIVORES SO FEED FLAMBO WHATEVER
SIGN BUBBA KING
MY MOTHER HITS HARDER THAN THESE GUYS
WHO DOES NUMBER GLUE WORK FOR??
REZIN’S METH >>>> WALTER WHITE’S
IVAN STANISLAV DINES WITH CAPITALISTS
IS THAT A SNAKE?
NO, IT’S FLAMBERGE
I THOUGHT FLAMBERGE WAS A LIZARD?
CHECK OUT ABE IN THE UPCOMING HIT SITCOM “ALL THAT RACQUET” ON HULU IN 2024
HEY HOYT YOU SMELL GOOD
Nick Stuart: Welcome, everyone, to PRIME! Welcome to ReVival 29! We have a big show for you tonight! Two championships are on the line, as Rocky de Leon will challenge C. Mortgomery Byrnes for the Alias Championship… and in the main event, the new 5-Star Champion has a tough task for his first title defense, as he defends against ever-dangerous Sage Pontiff!
Richard Parker: Hi!
Nick Stuart: …That’s it, just “hi”?
Richard Parker: Found out that I’m not paid by the word, so gonna put in the bare minimum.
Nick Stuart: You always have things to say.
Richard Parker: Nah. Takin’ it easy here.
Nick Stuart: …Great.
We start with Machine Gun Kelly’s “Sex Drive”, which heralds the arrival of none other than Jack Owyns. The Villain. He marches straight out of the curtains and heads for the ring. The moment he comes anywhere near the fans, he starts mouthing off to them, showering them with every insult he can think of.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring… from Seattle, Washington… weighing in at two hundred and fifty-three pounds! JAAAAAAAACK! OWYNNNNNSSSS!
Owyns continues to insult fans until he reaches the ring, whereupon he casually rolls underneath the bottom rope and takes a seat in one of the corners.
Nick Stuart: Not a lot of love between Owyns and the fans here in Albuquerque.
Richard Parker: Nope.
A trap remix of the Soviet Union national anthem plays over throughout the arena as Kenny Freeman steps out onto the stage, looking a little more confident about his choices compared to two weeks ago…and perhaps some of that has to do with Ivan Stanislav standing beside him, much to the chagrin of the crowd as they boo the Master of the Moscowverse as Kenny walks to the ring.
Arriving at the ring, Kenny steps through the ropes, Ivan staying at ringside to seemingly cheer his new recruit on in the match!
Freeman is ready to go, and after a few moments, Owyns grabs hold of the top rope and pulls himself up to his feet. Referee Ashley Barlow looks to both men, and then calls for the bell.
Kenny Freeman does not hesitate to immediately rush Owyns and smash him with right hands and elbows. Owyns finds that Freeman’s approach is too quick even for him, and is backed into the corner where Freeman continues to hammer him.
Nick Stuart: Kenny Freeman taking the fight to Jack Owyns early here!
Richard Parker: Yup.
Nick Stuart: …Really?
Kenny gets zealous in his beatings, and climbs up to the second rope with Owyns below him just to punch him some more. Unfortunately, Kenny forgets – as he always seems to – to realize that his opponent has nearly a hundred pounds over him. Before Ivan can shout a word of warning that Kenny Freeman is a tiny, puny American that sympathizes with the Russian cause and Jack Owyns is a very large, very filthy American, Owyns puts a hand on Kenny’s chest and slams him down with a brutal spinebuster.
Nick Stuart: What impact! Kenny Freeman might be in trouble here!
Richard Parker: Or dead.
No, Kenny Freeman is not dead. Owyns moves in to fix that, smashing Freeman with a forearm that knocks him loopy and puts him down to one knee. Barlow, recognizing that Freeman isn’t exactly defending himself, resolves to try and get Owyns to back off a bit. Owyns politely pushes Barlow aside and goes to further his attack.
Much to his surprise, though, Freeman grabs Owyns by his tights and pulls him through the ropes and out to the floor. Owyns lands in a tumble, but there’s two reasons why he doesn’t want to be outside. The first is that Kenny is distracting referee Barlow, preventing her from having eyes on Owyns out on the floor. The second is the Russian that’s accompanied Kenny to the ring that shakes the ground when he walks.
And while Jack Owyns might be a “Villain”, the great Russian Bear is a hero to his people. Which is almost no one here except, at the moment, Kenny Freeman. And so, Owyns stands up just in time to be nearly beheaded by Ivan Stanislav’s lariat. Don’t worry, it’s just a light beheading. He’s fine. Probably.
Nick Stuart: Oh, come on! Ivan Stanislav is once again just doing whatever he wants!
Richard Parker: Comrade!
Ivan’s own momentum carries him far enough away that by the time Ashley Barlow turns to check up on Owyns, he’s far enough away that Barlow doesn’t immediately yell at him to get back into the ring. Freeman, largely unaware of the actions of his very large comrade, slides out of the ring and muscles Owyns back up. It’s laborious for him because of the size difference, but Freeman’s stronger than he looks and he gets Owyns back into the ring.
He goes for the cover as soon as he’s back in, but it only gets two as Owyns powers out somehow.
Nick Stuart: Despite Ivan stepping in there, Freeman hasn’t put away Owyns yet!
Freeman stands, and does the next thing he can think of. He bounces off the ropes, comes back, and… well, he does a dance. Look, Kenny just watched RRR for the first time not too long ago, he’s doing some moves from that. When he’s done, he drops the leg.
Nick Stuart: Follow the Freeman! Into the cover!
Once again, Owyns kicks out. Freeman drops a couple of boots on Owyns’ head, then goes to the turnbuckles and climbs up. He’s up to the top rope, and he leaps off with a moonsault!
He connects with his target.
Unfortunately, that’s the last thing he wants to do.
Nick Stuart: Owyns gets the knees up!
Richard Parker: Oh no!
As Stanislav shouts words of encouragement, something articulate and beautiful in his native Russian tongue that Kenny Freeman himself wouldn’t understand (though the word “yeet” does come up at least once), Owyns gets to his feet and nails a recovering Freeman with a swinging neckbreaker! Owyns roars as he gets to his feet. He pulls a dazed and confused Freeman to his feet and goes to underhook the arms, looking for the Villain Connection.
Freeman, however, manages the shake himself loose from the hold and rapidly crawl through Owyns’ legs. Owyns turns and goes after Freeman, crowding him in the ropes and then strangling him with his hands. He didn’t even bring his stranglin’ gloves! Naturally, Barlow starts a five count, and then gets frustrated with his attempts to keep a stranglin’, so she tries to physically pry him off.
And it keeps Barlow’s eyes off of the Russian, who simply reaches up and punches Owyns in the face.
Nick Stuart: Again! Stanislav again making this a two-on-one match!
Richard Parker: Nuh-uh.
Nick Stuart: Stop that!
Owyns falls backwards like a ton of bricks, and Ivan backs away from the scene of the crime. Kenny doesn’t even give referee Barlow any time to question what just happened, and grabs Owyns by the wrist, hooks his head with the crook of his knee, and grabs the outside leg.
Nick Stuart: That’s the Freeman Special!
Richard Parker: What!?
Kenny Freeman has gone for this move – ostensibly his finisher – several times in his PRIME run, and it has never ended well. Yet, Freeman has the wrist and the leg locked tight. Owyns has nowhere to go, and he can’t delay the inevitable.
tap tap tap
DING DING DING
Kenny Freeman has an almost bewildered look as he falls off of Owyns with his arms raised in victory, but it’s a victory nonetheless.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match… KENNY FREEEEEEEEMAAAAAAAANNNN!!!
Nick Stuart: …And don’t forget the big assist from Ivan Stanislav.
Richard Parker: Okay, yeah, I can’t do the thing where I don’t talk as much. Jesus. There was more dead air than an airplane full of zombies. Anyway, I didn’t see Prepper-chick Stanislav do anything, and I bet if you put it to video review, you’d find nothing, too.
Nick Stuart: I can’t with you.
Ivan enters the ring and puts Kenny Freeman up on his shoulders to help him celebrate, though the expression on his face suggests that he’s rather unused to doing such things without also yeeting someone. But his response to his comrade’s victory is the same as what he always does in these sorts of situations.
Ivan Stanislav: DYAAHAAHAA!
Kenny tries to match his laugh. He’s not as bombastic about it. Give him time.
But with the collective laughter of the burgeoning Red Army filling the air, it’s time to move on to a self-proclaimed “clown prince.”