KENNY FREEMAN vs. TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY vs. TERRY WOODS
From the cold open, we go to the arena, and pan around it for some lovely signs!
BRING BACK THE TAG TEAM TITLES
THREE ICE CUBES WITH MY RED WINE PLEASE
WAS EXCITED ABOUT THE MYSTERY ENTRANTS, THEN JILES CAME OUT
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MIKE MCGEE LOST?
MR. LIKE TWO METERS FROM THE FINISH LINE
PRAY FOR TCHU’S KNEES
JULIAN BATHORY’S SHIFT AT KFC WILL NEVER END
ELEVEN HERBS AND SPICES AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN SMOKED BY REZIN
FUCK A PIVOT TABLE
BIG LEAGUE TCHU
THERE’S A SIGN IN M YHEART
PRIME GOT BEST VS. FARTHINGTON BEFORE HOW DID
WE HERE TO WATCH TRUE H.O.W. CHAMPION. IVAN STANISLAV. AMERICANSES LOVE HIM MUCH YES!
THIS TSIGN IS FOR TSONDA BECAUSE HE’S TSIMPLY TSPECTACULAR
RETIRE THE STREETS SWEEPER
CALL OF TCHULHU
I TRIED EXTORTING MONEY FROM LT AND MELVIN AND REALIZED THAT WOULD MEAN TALKING TO MELVIN AND WHO WANTS TO DO THAT HONESTLY
TECHNICALLY IT’S ONLY FLAMBERGE IF IT’S FROM THE ASSHOLE REGION OF FRANCE – WHAT YOU HAVE IS JUST SPARKING DOUCHEBAG
I’M JUST RIDING AROUND IN MY TRUCK DOING TRUCK THINGS
TRUCK GO VROOM
WE’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THE SIGNS CHANNEL FOR THE LAST NINE DAYS, AND WE’RE TERRIFIED THAT WHEN IT GETS ARCHIVED WE’LL ALL PERISH
SIN IS STORED IN THE PENIS
NEXT PART IS UP
Nick Stuart: Welcome to Oklahoma City! Welcome… to ReVival 26! Welcome… to PRIME! What a show we have for you tonight, Richard!
Richard Parker: We’re in a post-Lord-Cecilworth-Farthington-joining-PRIME world, Nick! I’m so excited! I brought my Cecilworth fanclub mug and everything!
Nick Stuart: Well, anyway…
Richard Parker: And that isn’t the only Lord Farthington merch I brought! Wait until you see the Farthington codpi—
Nick Stuart: ANYWAY! Let’s get this show on the road!
The first man to enter the fray comes out to the sounds of Clint Mansell’s “Lux Aeterna”. Fans aren’t quite sure what to make of the massive individual bursting through the curtains and heading for the ring, but the letters “MDK” appearing on the PRIMEview gives a good impression of what’s to come.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your opening contest and it is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, making his PRIME debut! From Cleveland, Ohio… weighing in at two hundred and sixty pounds! TERRRRRRYYYYYY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODS!!!
Woods pays no heed to how the fans react to him. He instead gets to the ring and prepares himself in a corner, testing the ropes as he does so.
Nick Stuart: Terry Woods is a veteran of the sport, Richard. It’ll be interesting how he handles his first match in PRIME.
Richard Parker: I hope he joins the Kenny Freeman Yeeting Olympics.
Next up, 98 Degrees presents “Because Of You”, and that boy band-flavored bop brings out the one and only Nuzzle Lord to the scorn of the crowd. Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy holds out his hands on his way out to the ring, inviting anyone to come embrace him in a warm and loving nuzzle. No one takes the bait.
Vince Howard: His opponents! First, from Sacramento, California… weighing in at two-hundred and nineteen pounds… he represents the Love Convoy! TRISTAN! CRISPIN! GLAAAAAAAADHAPPPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!!
TCG saunters to the ring, and rolls underneath the bottom rope. He raises his arms into the air as though he’s trying to hug it, and doesn’t seem to mind that much that he’s receiving more boos than a ghost convention.
Richard Parker: DJ Tristy Crispy in the hizz-ouse!
Nick Stuart: …What?
Richard Parker: My sources tell me that he does bar mitzvahs and raves on the side.
Nick Stuart: I’ll be sure to avoid those. With prejudice.
Finally, “Let Me Entertain You” by Robbie Williams hits, and Kenny Freeman jogs out from behind the curtains to a mixed, but relatively positive reaction. Kenny Freeman is a frustrated man. A frustrated Freeman, if you will. Battered, bruised, maybe defined recently as perfectly aerodynamic by the Russian Space Program. But tonight, K-Free’s here to prove he belongs here.
Vince Howard: Finally… from Los Angeles, California! Weighing in at one hundred and sixty pounds… KENNNNNNNNYYYYYY FREEEEEEEEEMAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!
Kenny slides into the ring, raises his arms in the air…
…and immediately dies.
Okay, he doesn’t die, but Terry Woods has no more patience and immediately clubs K-Free in the back of the head with a running elbow. Kenny reacts as though he’d been hit from behind by a truck, and almost flies out of the ring entirely. He slides under the bottom ropes and the only thing keeping him from landing all the way out onto the floor right away is that his feet catch on the ropes.
Nick Stuart: A sneak attack on Kenny Freeman by Terry Woods!
Richard Parker: Okay, I already like this guy.
Woods stands over Freeman. And when I say that, I mean that he’s actually standing on his chest and referee Ashley Barlow needs to administer the five count to get him to stop that, because it’s really rude to stand on a man’s chest. All the while, TCG stands there and watches all of this happen, and he doesn’t do anything whatsoever to help Kenny.
The massive Woods turns to cast a glare at TCG as he steps off of Freeman’s chest, as the Nuzzle Lord seems to be getting too close to him. TCG offers a friendly hug. Woods… seems to accept this. Well, his body says “sure”. His scowl says “fuck you”.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think I’d want to accept what Gladhappy’s offering if I were Terry Woods.
Woods steps away from Freeman, and beckons Gladhappy over while holding his arms out. Fans buzz with anticipation as TCG accepts that Woods is open to a nuzzling. He walks in and…
…he dies, too.
Nick Stuart: WHAT a right hand from Woods! He could’ve knocked a tooth loose on Gladhappy!
Richard Parker: Oh no! Without his winning smile, he’ll be way less cool when DJ Tristy Crispy DJs for my birthday party!
Nick Stuart: You can’t afford him, Richard.
Richard Parker: What?
Woods picks up TCG by his ear, twisting it as though he’s a teacher trying to lecture an unruly student. Gladhappy is bow-legged as Woods drags him around the ring, clearly taking pleasure in making him squirm like this.
Nick Stuart: Woods has Gladhappy by the ear!
Richard Parker Oh no, he needs that!
Gladhappy is a lover and not a fighter, but even he has a survival instinct. He throws his body into elbows against Woods’ side, which he mostly shrugs off as he transitions into a side headlock. Woods grinds that side headlock for all he’s worth, and the size difference makes it a tough prospect for TCG to get out of it easily.
But Kenny Freeman is an unknown variable looking to prove that he has what it takes to win in PRIME, and he’s here slugging away at Woods with everything he has despite giving up a hundred pounds and more than a half of a foot in height. Woods barely even budges as Freeman slugs away at him, until he drops TCG to the ground and stands there daring Freeman to keep hitting him.
This proves to be a mistake.
Nick Stuart: A chop block from Gladhappy takes Woods down!
Richard Parker: Oof!
Terry Woods is much bigger than the other two men in the match, but he remains an aging veteran, and nearly every aging veteran curses the existence of knees. TCG immediately springs to action, pounding away on Woods. After a short moment, Freeman joins in putting the boots to Woods.
Nick Stuart: Smart play by Freeman and Gladhappy to take the bigger man out of the equation!
The pair manage to kick and stomp Woods until he’s forced into a retreat on the outside. TCG celebrates his victory and goes to nuzzle his newfound partner in crime.
Freeman dropkicks him in the face.
Richard Parker: Well, that didn’t last.
This sends TCG to the floor to join Woods. Freeman doesn’t hesitate to run into the ropes and come back with a suicide dive! The sheer momentum of it, though somewhat counterbalanced by Freeman’s small size, allows him to knock TCG into Woods, bowling both of them over. Freeman grabs TCG and rolls him back into the ring. He immediately grabs Gladhappy in a waistlock, and it’s not the type of nuzzle that the Nuzzle Lord desires. Because this nuzzle ends in a German suplex!
With TCG down in the center of the ring, K-Free knows what to do next. He runs into the ropes, and comes back with… the Charleston. Then he drops the leg on TCG.
Nick Stuart: Follow the Freeman by K-Free! Could this be it?
Freeman goes for the cover.
It’s an unusual way to break up a pinfall, but Terry Woods grabs Kenny Freeman by the waist and bodily rips him off of his pin attempt.
Richard Parker: Terry Woods just hoisted that man up like he’s a small child!
Freeman tries to elbow his way out, but Woods doesn’t give an iota of a fuck. He sets himself and throws Freeman down with a German suplex!
Or, he tries to. Freeman is agile enough to land on his feet. Woods turns to catch a flying headscissors from Freeman, the momentum enough to send him spiraling to the mat. Freeman’s feeling good, and he puts himself in the corner to charge at Woods.
Have you ever, like… run straight into a brick wall with no survival instinct telling you that this might be a bad idea? Because that’s more or less what Kenny Freeman does here. He charges on Terry Woods and gets lariated so hard that it’s like his body doesn’t quite register the idea. His legs are still in motion for his charge even while the rest of his body is being hurled to the ground mercilessly by the power of a single man’s arm.
Nick Stuart: WHAT A LARIAT!
Richard Parker: That’s the kind of lariat that should’ve somehow cut a man in half at the waist. Grisly, I know, but man, he’s really living up to that whole MDK thing, isn’t he?
Woods doesn’t hesitate. He hoists Kenny Freeman up to his shoulders, and parades him around the ring before driving him to the canvas with the old-fashioned Death Valley Driver!
Nick Stuart: That move is called the Blood Clot, and it just flattened Kenny Freeman!
Richard Parker: Thanks for coming, K-Free!
Woods sits up thinking that it was all a matter of wrapping up Freeman for his Rings of Saturn submission and picking up the easy victory.
He just forgets that this isn’t a one-on-one match.
Woods gets knocked down by a hard knee from Gladhappy, and is knocked down from the blow.
Nick Stuart: A knee from TCG to Woods’ face puts him down!
Richard Parker: Need to keep your head on a swivel around here, Nick!
TCG doesn’t hesitate to immediately pounce on Kenny, covering him for a pin as though he’s hugging him.
Woods tries to get up to stop it…
…But he’s just half a second too slow.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this match… TRISTAN! CRISPIN! GLAAAAAADHAAAAAPPYYYYYY!!!
Gladhappy immediately vacates the ring, holding his jaw as referee Ashley Barlow leaves the ring to raise the Nuzzle Lord’s arm in victory. In the ring, Terry Woods is irate, kicking at the bottom ropes in frustration.
Nick Stuart: Gladhappy’s just stolen this one, Richard!
Richard Parker: Just like that! I bet Vickie is going to be very pleased!
Nick Stuart: Will she?
Richard Parker: Maybe a little bit.
The camera lingers on Gladhappy as he’s backing his way up the ramp, jumping for joy at picking up the victory.