LUNCH LAW KNOWS NO LIMITS
If there’s every one man you might never expect to see when one cuts backstage on a PRIME show, it’s the ugly-looking man in a trilby and ash gray suit walking up to a door. Eagle-eyed viewers of both PRIME and Bang! might recognize him as Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., who previously appeared at the Culture Shock pay-per-view in a run-of-the-mill pre-taped chaos segment involving Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips. The type that’s usually mayhem.
Eagle-eyed viewers of PRIME, specifically, would recognize the name posted on the door he’s decided to knock on, too. But we’ll get to that.
The door opens, and Lord Yum immediately starts talking.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Ah, yes. Hello! You must be Wade Elliott!
Rather confused and slightly agitated, as per usual for the Bad Dog, Wade looks down at Lord Yum. He follows by leaning through the door, turning his head left and right to look down each hall.
Wade Elliott: Who the hell’re you an’ who told ya where I was?
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: I am Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. Lunch Lawyer by day, professional wrestler at most other times! I know you must be wondering why I am here, so let me explain that I had politely asked Miss Troy if I might be allowed to attend Tropical Turmoil tonight. I have, shall we say, a vested interest in tonight’s proceedings. Of course, as you may well know, I have had these strange disagreements – not sure why, to be perfectly honest with you, sir – with her lovely children.
Wade Elliott: Son, I don’t have a damn clue what those kids get into or what the hell they’re talkin’ about half the time. I hate t’be an asshole, but you got a point? I’m playin’ cribbage with Dam and I’m about t’ruin his night with a double run.
Lord Yum holds up his hands in surrender of the “please don’t beat my face in, I’m already ugly enough as it is” variety.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: N-now, I know you are a busy man, sir! But Miss Troy did direct me to your office to discuss security. I assure you that I am not a security risk, and that I have a man in the building that will vouch for my immaculate character!
He’s either talking about Avalon or Farthington, it’s hard to say with this guy. Meanwhile, the mention of “Miss Troy” forced a knowing grin to Wade’s grayed beard.
Wade Elliott: ‘Course she did.
The ‘Bama Bruiser steps into the hall, closing the door behind him. He crosses his arms over his chest, and sets his feet.
Wade Elliott: Well, kid. I’m gonna have t’know just who this man is. We’re runnin’ a tight ship ‘round here!
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Well, I mean, if you must know, I am here by the invitation of one Coral Avalon. Why, I remember a time when I was but a lad, and he helped me figure out a thing or two about this lovely sport of ours! But I am well acquainted with Lord Farthington, as well. Fellow Lord, you know how it is, old chum, am I right?
Wade Elliott: I’m from Alabama, son. Closest thing we’ve got is Nick Saban, and I don’t watch football.
Nervously, Lord Yum adjusts his necktie, which is in fact not quite a necktie. It looks more like a napkin or a bib that he uses as a necktie. Because “Lunch Lawyer”.
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Um, a-anyway. You know, ahaha, I just have this vested interest in the main event. As an observer! Yes, an observer. A very neutral party who definitely has no ulterior motives whatsoever over having been given a concussion via copyright law book, because that would be proper silly! Would you not agree, friend?
Wade Elliott: Yer right! That would be pretty god-damn silly, wouldn’t it?
The Bad Dog leans down, getting closer to Lord Yum. The sweat on his brow grows.
Wade Elliott: An’ speakin’ of concussions, we’ve been seein’ a lot’ve em’ lately. An my old buddy Dam, you know Dam, right?
Wade shifts, allowing Gavin to see inside the room, where the massive figure of Dam sits, giving him a wave with a giant hand.
Wade Elliott: (shifting back) An’ he’s gettin’ kinda tired’ve dealin’ with it. You can understand that, right?
Gavin nods with the understanding of a man who doesn’t quite understand, but feels compelled to nod in understanding because, well… this Wade lad sure is a little intense!
Wade Elliott: That’s good! That’s real good. And y’know, I ain’t Head of Security anymore, but Dam and Lindsay like fer me t’be around.
The Southern Sparkplug claps a big paw on Gavin’s shoulder, and gives it a good squeeze.
Wade Elliott: Y’know, to do the dirty work once in a while. Did I answer all’ve yer questions, “Lord?”
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.: Oh, yes. Absolutely. I truly appreciate the time you have taken out for me! I shall strive to avoid, uh… any future misunderstandings.
Wade Elliott: ‘Atta boy. Go on and have fun out there, and don’t do nothin’ “silly.”
With that, Wade smirks behind his beard, stepping back into the room and slamming the door shut. Through the door, you can hear him hollering at Dam.
“HEY! That ain’t where my peg was! And don’t look at my god-damn cards!”