GOT ANY PLANS?
ReVival returns from commercial and focuses on Nick and Richard at the Commentation Station.
Nick Stuart: Earlier this afternoon, we were told that the Boss was going to make an announcement regarding Colossus. We’re not entirely sure what this could entail, but gossip backstage says it could be related to the return of another old PRIME favorite, or the possible introduction of a new title belt.
Richard Parker: Can they dig up the corpse of Peter Vetra? I need to take a leak.
Nick Stuart: That’s not nice, Richard. And I’m pretty sure Peter Vetra is still alive.
Richard Parker: I don’t get paid to be nice, Nick. That’s why you’re here.
Nick Stuart: And let’s thank our lucky stars for that. In any case, let’s go to the ring and hand things over to the Queen.
While the boys were bantering, Lindsay Troy made her way out from the back. No music to announce her arrival, just cheers from the PRIMEates. Now she stands with microphone in hand and the Universal Title cradled in the crook of her arm.
Lindsay Troy: I’m not going to take a lot of time here, because we’ve got a lot of stellar matches still to come: two of which are for the Five Star and Universal Titles.
The PRIME Faithful pop at the mention of both storied belts.
Lindsay Troy: Right now, though, I’d like to ask someone to join me out here. He’s the first Five Star Champion of the ReVival Era, is coming off a huge win at UltraViolence over Ivan Stanislav, and will be taking on my good buddy Nedward later this evening. Please welcome “Event Horizon,” Hayes Hanlon!
“Black Hole.”
We Came as Romans.
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Nick Stuart: The Lady of the Hour calls Home Run Hayes to center stage! What do you think is going on, partner?
Richard Parker: Troy’s been tightening up the ship, Nick. Probably going to slap his wrist about wearing PRIME merchandise at the Velvet Rabbit.
The music continues to blast through the MGM. The white flash bulbs, the whole show. But…no Hayes.
Richard Parker: It’s okay, kid, nobody has anything important to do tonight…
Finally, out walks Hanlon, completely and utterly confused. He’s apparently halfway through preparing for his match later against Ned Reform; his boots and tights are on, but he still dons his black dress shirt, buttons undone and sleeves down. He recognizes the Garden’s ovation, but his trepidation is obvious as he fumbles to clean himself up.
Inside the ring, Lindsay Troy is somewhat…amused.
Nick Richard: And here he is, answering the Queen of the Ring’s call.
Richard Parker: WiTh nO tImE to SpAre.
Hanlon retrieves a microphone before climbing the steps and into the ring. His music comes to its completion, only the roars of the PRIMEates left to replace it. Hayes looks around uncomfortably, and Troy allows the Garden to settle.
Lindsay Troy: Hello, Hayes.
Hayes Hanlon: Um…hello…my Queen…
Unsure of what to do, the Event Horizon performs a short bow, one arm reaching across the chest and everything. Lindsay purses her lips, trying not to laugh at Hanlon’s formality, because while it’s awkward it’s also a little endearing.
Lindsay Troy: At ease, kiddo. It’s just us out here with 15,000 or so of our friends. And Richard.
She looks over to the announcer and gives him a little smile and a wave. Richard taps the end of his pen against his temple then points it at Lindsay in salute.
Lindsay Troy: So. Mister PRIME Superfan. (looking back to Hayes) You’ve had a pretty good year, huh?
Hayes Hanlon: I mean, I wouldn’t compare it to Youngblood. Or Sykes and Calvin. But, yeah. I think so.
Lindsay Troy: I would. First champion of ReVival Era, answered the call on short notice and beat a legend in the Russian Bear at UltraViolence, beat our current Universal Champion before he held the belt. Not bad for a rookie season.
The Event Horizon’s mustache lifts into a smile as the Queen lists off the highlights of his ear
Hayes Hanlon: You know, I guess you’re right..
RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Lindsay Troy: How about making it better. Interested?
A pause, and curious lift of the eyebrow.
Hayes Hanlon: Um…sure?
Lindsay Troy: Got any plans for Colossus?
An excited murmur rolls through the crowd. Hayes takes a moment to look around the arena, his own nervous excitement starting to surface.
Hayes Hanlon: Uh, can’t say I do…
Lindsay Troy: How about a Uni Title match?
Vegas, you know what to do.
RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Nick Stuart: Oooohhhh my!!!! You heard it here, folks! The CEO just offered up a shot at the Universal Title to Hayes Hanlon! At Colossus!!!!
Richard Parker: If this kid pukes all over the ring right now…
Hanlon’s jaw might as well have hit the floor as the crowd rumbles at the announcement. Troy smirks, and Hayes is absolutely struck, completely caught off guard, and 100% has no idea what to do with his hands.
Lindsay Troy: Biggest stage of them all for the biggest prize of them all. All that’s left to figure out is whether you’ll be facing the villain one more time or facing your childhood hero. Seems like the perfect way to put a bow on Night Two, don’t you think?
Hayes, still looking like someone brought him 200 corgi puppies to play with, is able to lift the mic to his lips. The crowd cheers once more, eager for his response. However, this time, among their excitement a poisonous cackle pierces through before the Event Horizon can say a word. The cackle eventually becomes the only thing that can be heard, as it drowns out the audience with the help of a microphone. The hiss echoes throughout the MGM Grand, and hits like a hammer to a nail with every boom.
Nick Stuart: Look! Up in his skybox! It’s Jiles! He’s the one cackling!
Richard Parker: THAT SCUM!
The announce team is right. The cackle does indeed emanate from the Champion inside his skybox. There, he sits upon a plush throne; dressed in a funeral black tracksuit because later on tonight someone is going into the ground. To his left is a milk carton with a picture of his “lost” T-shades on the side of it. To his right is a bright, neon sign which reads “NO SMOKING.”
Nick Stuart: Looks like COOLYMPUS bumped up security, as if that were even possible to begin with.
Radiant, Jiles stands from his throne, and looks over the audience beneath him.
BOOOOOOO~!!
His glow intensifies, causing him to make an inappropriate and lewd hand gesture. Then, he turns his attention to the ring.
Cancer Jiles: Well, well, well. How about that? What a time to be alive?! Real quick, another round of applause for Little Hayes Liplotion?
The crowd hoots.
Cancer Jiles: Yes, Little Hayes gets to stay out late and play with the older kids. The MAIN EVENT at COOLOSSUS. That’s quite the accomplishment for the man of many. I mean, sure the event isn’t named after you, and you’re going to be the challenger, but still it’s the MAIN EVENT with a chance for the snot to stop running from your nose.
Mom says something to Hayes that the microphones don’t pick up. It was probably reassuring and had to do with Nova winning tonight. Hanlon nods in response.
Cancer Jiles: Say, Mom, while you’re down there do me a favor, would you?
Lindsay Troy: No.
Cancer Jiles: Thanks, go on and show Little Hayes what my title looks like. Show him what a man’s title looks like. Let him get a good look, too. He can even hold it with both of his hands if he wants.
Lindsay rolls her eyes. Hayes also rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
Cancer Jiles: That there isn’t some FIVE STAR mumbo jumbo nonsense. That there is what being number one by definition is all about. That there is mine, Hayes, and like it or not there is no one, not you, not Nova, not Mom, that can take it from me. Not tonight. Not next week, or the week after that– and certainly not at my namesake, COOLOSSUS.
The crowd boos.
Of course they do.
It does not break Jiles’ COOLYMPIAN reserve.
Cancer Jiles: Silly, little, Hayes. You’re either too young or too stupid to see it, but Lady Troy didn’t grant you the opportunity of a lifetime.
The UNIVERSAL Champion nods with self righteous indignation. Hayes flips him off.
Cancer Jiles: She put your head in the guillotine, and at COOLOSSUS the blade drops.
Exaggerated decapitation gesture.
Lindsay Troy: Are you done being dramatic yet?
The PRIMEates cheer loudly and the Champ’s eyes go wide from the insolence. You’ll have to believe us because, y’know, T-Shades. He quickly leans over the railing to his skybox to ensure his words will reach the ring faster. Richard Parker gasps, as if a long awaited dream was about to come true.
Cancer Jiles: As a matter of fact—
Lindsay Troy: Yeah, you are.
Instantly, Jiles’ mic is cut off. Almost like magic. Almost like the production team was praying for the Queen to give the word.
Lindsay Troy: I know everyone was hoping you’d fall like Humpty Dumpty just now, but then we’d all be denied the pleasure of seeing you get your ass kicked by Caes tonight. And trust me when I tell you, nobody’s looking forward to that more than me.
Richard Parker: That’s a lie and she knows it.
Nick Stuart: Calm down, bud.
Lindsay Troy: Let me tell you something about Colossus, Pizmo. It’s not just PRIME’s biggest show of the year, it’s my show. Not because I’m captaining this ship now, but because it’s where I made my name. Nobody successfully defended the Universal Title there until me. Only one other person ever did it after. Nobody else is undefeated at Colossus but me. And it’s only because I love to revel in your failures that I’ve allowed this “COOLOSSUS” nonsense to go on as it has. Because it’s always fun to see your balloon get popped. And, because if you somehow manage to survive tonight, I don’t think you have what it takes to follow in my footsteps.
She gives a quick nod of her head toward Hayes, then sneers back up at Jiles.
Lindsay Troy: (tilting her head toward Hayes) But I think he does, and I know that just boils you up inside.
The Maestro doesn’t crack, or he wants you to think he doesn’t crack. That is to say his smile might still be wide, however if you look closely the mirror tint on his T-Shades are in need of a good defrosting.
Lindsay Troy: Hayes? Any parting thoughts for my dear little Bandit boy up there? He’s got a big match I’m sure he needs to prepare for.
Hanlon smirks, then turns his eyes back up to the box.
Hayes Hanlon: I’d say I’m looking forward to leaving you lying in the ring…again…at Colossus, buddy. But if Nova has anything to say about it, I think you’ll be watching me from that box instead.
Another rumbling roar from the MGM Garden Arena. Hayes offers a half-assed two-finger salute to the COOLympian, who remains frozen like the T-1000 covered with liquid nitrogen. “Black Hole” hits the speakers, and Troy says a couple more words to Home Run Hayes before he turns to the crowd, arms outstretched.
Nick Stuart: Book it, folks! The Event Horizon! Colossus! Night Two! For the Universal Championship!
Richard Parker: But is it against the scumbag? Or the Hall of Famer?
Nick Stuart: Let’s pay some bills so we can find out! Nova and Cancer Jiles for the Universal Champion still to come, but first! “The Crownless King” Coral Avalon squares up with the Russian Bear! Right here! Next!
Richard Parker: On the ACE Network!