MAKE PLEASANT MORE PLEASANT
We go from Tsonda to a call center where volunteers are fielding phone calls rapidly in the background. Stu Weiler stands with Rocky, who appears in full ring garb, in front of them.
Stu Weiler: Hello. I am, once again, asking you for your financial support.
Rocky de Leon: Skree!
Stu Weiler: That’s right, Rocky. We are asking for your help for a noble cause. We and all these volunteers are here tonight to raise money to help solve a major problem in the world of PRIME – Arthur Pleasant’s generally shitty attitude.
Rocky de Leon: Skree!
Stu Weiler: That’s right, Rocky. For only $5 a month, you, dear viewer, can help Make Pleasant More Pleasant.
As Stu is talking, stage hands clip cables to Rocky’s waist. Rocky takes to the air, flying above the phone wranglers, SKREEing words of encouragement.
Sarah McLauchlin’s “In the Arms of the Angels” begins playing. Camera slowly zooms in on Stu’s face. As he speaks, a slideshow plays in a picture-in-picture square in the corner of the screen, rotating through images of artist renderings of a baby with sharp teeth and red eyes, that baby in cartoon form stealing from an old woman, and an empty field. At the bottom of the screen, small fast-moving print reads:
ANYRESEMBLANCETOSARAHMCLAUCHLIN’SINTHEARMSOFTHEANGELSISPURELYCOINCIDENTAL.ALLMUSICSOURCEDFROMOPENSOURCECREATIVECOMMONSLICENSEARTISTSWHOSERESEMBLANCETOMSMCLAUCHLINISPASSINGONLY.ROCKYDELEON,STUWEILER,ANDPRIMEARENOTRESPONSIBLEFORANYFEELSYOUMAYEXPERIENCEANDASSOCIATEWITHTHEFOLLOWINGPSA.
Stu Weiler: Arthur Pleasant was born with no soul, no conscience, and no goats. The ASPCA has made it very clear we are not to provide him with goats, and we’re fairly certain Satan has an ownership stake on any potential soul Pleasant might obtain. However, we believe with your help that Arthur could develop both empathy and a conscience.
Stu walks to stage right and the camera follows. Past the phone bank, a conversation set reminiscent of Between Two Ferns contains a pair of easy chairs and a coffee table. The occupant of the chair opposite Stu rests in a pinstriped suit. His elbows rest on the chair arms with his fingers tenting in front of his sternum. Gray whisps of hair are swept out of his face as his rimless glasses reflect the studio light. Stu would guess that when standing at full height, his guest may be approximately 6’3” and weigh 170 pounds sopping wet.
Stu Weiler: Joining us in the studio now to help explain how your dollars can help improve the lives of all the wrestlers and staff forced to interact with Arthur is Dr. Haitzurwahlet. Thanks for joining us, Doctor.
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: My pleasure, Stu.
The good Doctor inclines his head ever so slightly.
Stu Weiler: Doctor, I understand you’ve been observing Arthur Pleasant for some time now.
Stu gestures at a pot of coffee and cups on the table. Dr. H near-imperceptibly shakes his head and gently waves away the coffee with his left hand before returning it to its tented position.
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: Yes, yes indeed. I have been monitoring his activities with a great deal of interest since his first ReVival appearance.
A cable audibly snaps, and Rocky’s body swings back and forth in and out of frame behind the chairs. He SKREEs in a doppler pattern. Stu and Dr. Haitzurwahlet momentarily observe his parabolic flight before turning back to the camera.
Stu Weiler: Is it your opinion that Mr. Pleasant would benefit from some form of therapy or other mental health consultation?
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: Oh, undeniably so. I would generally recommend he begin with an aggressive course of therapy working with a professional no less than three times a week for at least an hour. If he chose to be even more proactive, I would suggest that an inpatient treatment facility might be quite beneficial.
A bony finger slides up the avian nose of Dr. Haitzurwahlet to push his glasses back to their optimal position before Rocky’s stray wing smacks the good Doctor on his downswing, flinging the glasses across the studio floor. Doctor H appears unphased.
Stu Weiler: Our producers have told me you have a diagnosis for Mr. Pleasant. Is that correct?
Stu sips at his coffee.
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: Yes, quite. It is, of course, merely a hypothetical as I have not had the opportunity to directly examine Mr. Pleasant, but I believe the foundation on which I base my hypothesis is quite sound given the volume of his public, er… appearances.
Stu Weiler: And what exactly is that diagnosis?
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: He is Fucking Crazy.
Rocky de Leon: SKREE!
Rocky, apparently free from his steel cable prison, pops his head in from off camera and nods vigorously in agreement. There appears to be remnants of vanilla cake and icing on his head.
Stu Weiler: I… you know, somehow I thought it would be a bit more official.
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: Oh, that is quite official. Fucking Crazy was added to the DSIM in early 2023.
Stu Weiler: I see. I presume that treating… erm… Fucking Crazy… is rather costly?
Dr. Haitzurwahlet: Yes, yes indeed. It can, quite frankly, be among the most expensive of psychiatric undertakings. I would estimate that somewhere in the realm of a quarter million dollars or more will be necessary to provide adequate treatment for Mr. Pleasant in his first year.
Stu Weiler: Amazing. Thank you Doctor. There you have it, folks. Arthur Pleasant is officially diagnosed Crazy.
(from off stage) Rocky de Leon: SKREE.
Stu Weiler: *sigh* yes, thank you Rocky, my apologies – Fucking Crazy.
(from off stage, but quieter) Rocky de Leon: Skree.
Stu Weiler: I agree, accuracy is important. As you all know, Rocky takes seriously the mental and physical well being of, well, everyone. And that includes Arthur Pleasant. After witnessing his psychosis first hand when Arthur attempted to assault Rocky outside the ring, Rocky knew we had to band together to help what may be the worst case of Fucking Crazy the world has ever seen.
A band starts to play in the background. The lead singer is a pale woman with red hair that doesn’t look quite right. Almost out of view of the camera on the left is a busted table with a smashed birthday cake, paper plates, and napkins on the floor. A banner straggled across the floor reads, “Happy Retirement, Fred.”
Stu Weiler: We’re going to take a little break, but please enjoy the upcoming cover of “Cherry Lips” by the Garbage tribute band “Unrecyclable Refuse,” led by their brilliant singer Probly Womandaughter. When we return, we’ll be speaking with an orthodontist and prosthodontist to discuss the costs associated with repair of Arthur’s absolutely hideous teeth.
Camera fades to the backstage area of the YUM! Center.