MANATEE OF LA MANCHA – NOT A NATURE DOCUMENTARY
The scene cuts backstage to Matt Mills standing next to the ALIAS/Gamble Champion, Mortgomery Byrnes who has dressed impeccably for the occasion sporting an electric blue double-breasted suit, black dress shirt, and black satin tie (is it a tie we have seen before? Is it not? Only Morty knows for sure).
Matt Mills: Standing—-
Mortgomery Byrnes: Whoa. Stop right there.
Matt Mills: What’s wrong?
Mortgomery Byrnes: It’s obvious that the PRIME media is decidedly against all things G.A.S. up to and includin’ yours truly. Thereunto, we have decided to employ our own interviewer. So, you would be so kind as to fuck off, and allow my friend here the opportunity to audition and who knows, maybe you’ll learn somethin’.
The ALIAS Champion nudges Matt Mills off camera and replacing him is a short (five-eight short, short for Morty short). The shortish man with the slicked back blonde hair, pale-to-the-point-of-being-almost-an-albino, has a fashion sense can only be described as Ultra-Slim Tropical – khakis, sandals, and a bright orange tropical shirt with yellow palm trees. He speaks with an indistinguishable accent.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Please welcome, Johnnie Newsman!
Johnnie Newsman: Actually, it’s Juan.
Mortgomery Byrnes: You don’t look like a Juan.
Johnnie Newsman: It’s a long story involving insurgents, tyrannical warlords, civil unrest, and an escape across border resulting in massive bloodbath. It’s super-boring, t-b-h. But we aren’t here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about you, Mister Alias Champion.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie Newsman: Can I just say…I love the suit. The color, fantastic. There. I said it.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Thanks Johnnie. It’s called Ninety-Eight Blue.
Johnnie Newsman: It gets a hundred from me. A-plus. Now, it’s really super-exciting to be here with you, a member of G.A.S.! It’s…I’m gonna say it….you can’t stop me….no one can stop me….It’s a “Gas” to be here next to you. Tony Gamble, super awesome guy. What’s it like to work with him?
Mortgomery Byrnes: It’s somethin’ that took gettin’ used to but look at me now. A fuckin’ success story.
Johnnie Newsman: But, not many people feel the same way In fact, one might say, they are completely against you.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Absolutely.
Johnnie Newsman: They’re giant shit mountains if you ask me. In fact, they hate you so much they refuse to admit that aside from that battle royal, you are undefeated in 2023.
Montgomery Byrnes: Pretty fucked up, ain’t it?
Johnnie Newsman: Totes fucked up considering how huge accomplishment it is.
Mortgomery Byrnes: It is, Johnnie. And yeah, no one seems to want to acknowledge that. It’s very disrespectful knowin’ my hard work goes unappreciated. Look at where I was a year ago and look at where I am now. Where’s my recognition, huh? Where’s the praise? It’s fuckin’ hurtful.
Johnnie Newsman: O-M-G, that’s awful. Don’t worry, I will cry on the inside so you don’t have to. Your “hitlist”, if I can call it that….the list of names you have eliminated from competing for your ALIAS Championship….Wow. All I can say.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Ned Reform, Kenny Fuckpants, Darin Zion, Eddie Cross, Rodney Leon, they were outmatched and, in the case of Darin Zion, he just got unlucky. Sucks to be him. I beat’em all. And am I in the same conversation as Vickie Fuckin’ Hall, Brandon Youngblood, or even Anna Daniels? No. Why? Gamble Bias, that’s why. These jealous fucks are greener than that Kermit Frog. They say it ain’t easy bein’ green, but it ain’t a fuckin’ picnic bein’ me.
Johnnie Newsman: I can tell. It’s really annoying. I notice you forgot to mention Kohime Mori when going down your list of conquered opponents…..
Mortgomery Byrnes: Did I? Clearly, I miscommunicated. She is, of course, included in the list of those, who, I might remind everyone, will never, as long as I hold this championship, get another shot at it. But that’s in the past.
Johnnie Newsman: I was really pulling for you and Kohime but given choice between her and Tony Gamble? You made right decision. It looks like we’re running out of time, I just have two more questions for you before I let you go.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Go ahead.
Johnnie Newsman: If I get privilege of doing this again, can I get different name? Johnnie Newsman? So blah. Instead, can I get something that kicks balls? Like Johnnie Tsunami or something?
Mortgomery Byrnes: I’ll have to ask Tony and we’ll prognosticate the possibility of a return based on the performance of which you have given today and, if we make the decision to bring you on again, we will discuss the potential of givin’ you a different name de plum.
Johnnie Newsman: That’s super awesome, thank you. Now, finally, tell us what you have coming up. Everyone wants to know.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Unless Lindsay Troy continues this crucible to eliminate any successes of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate by forcin’ another opponent onto me, my next match should be against the motherless fuck that eliminated me from that Culture Shock battle royal, Abe Lick-shits!
Johnnie Newsman: Oh! Very clever! Because he is called Abe the Babe after the little piggie because he is pig with the shits.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Who’s the clever one now?
Johnnie Newsman: No, no, nooooo…I just drew inspiration from you because, come on now, you’re you and he gave eggs to the Cancer Jiles which, in my village growing up, a big no-no. You give another man eggs, you get your weiner chopped off. Yeah, they cut it right off.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Um…okay, anyway, Abe Little Piggie Fuckface got lucky. Right place, right time, circumstances put that prick into a particularly situationally advantageous moment where managed to blindside me and, and I use this term looser than a two dollar whore, earned a shot at my ALIAS Championship. But it’s a gamble, takiin’ me on. See, Abe fucked up. He thought he was just gettin’ a shot. But this is gonna be his only shot. And I ain’t just gonna beat him. I’m gonna pound that douchey fuckin’ face of him so bad, they won’t be able to tell the difference between him and the fuckin’ Elephant Man’s bloated, drowned, decomposed corpse.
Johnnie Newsman: I love that movie. Anthony Hopkins and John Hurt. Fantastic. But I don’t think he drowned.
Mortgomery Byrnes: Not helpin’ your chances, Johnnie.
Johnnie Newsman: Even if I sexed the pooch, I had a great time, for reals. Thank you.
Johnnie Newsman extends his hand to Mortgomery Byrnes who looks at it and walks off leaving Johnnie Newsman smiling and to, perchance, dream of a career as G.A.S.’s personal interviewer and Matt Mills to process what he just saw as the scene ends.
We then cut to elsewhere backstage.