MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE B-TEAM vs. DANGEROUS MIX
Nick Stuart: In case you didn’t realize from that ominous exchange between the Anglo Luchador and Nova down at the loading docks, Ultraviolence is back from intermission and ready to go!
Richard Parker: I can’t wait to see this tag match, Nick. Lots of bad blood and spilled coffee between them.
Nick Stuart: No lies detected there, Richard. The Masters of the Multiverse… B-Team and Dangerous Mix have been sniping back and forth with words and caffeinated beverages, and now, their rivalry will come to a head here with charity money on the line!
“Let Me Entertain You” by Robbie Williams hits the PA as Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz come out to a smattering of boos from the crowd. Freeman holds up the Food-O-Matic 3000 with Schwartz acting as the world’s hairiest Vanna White outstretching his arms to highlight their novel food processor.
Nick Stuart: Fans not that impressed with the Food-O-Matic 3000.
Richard Parker: Why not? I have three of them. I make all kinds of dishes with them. Just the other week, I made a nice pate when I was hosting my biweekly Friends of Hoyt dinner. Vangelus Olsig said it was to die for.
Nick Stuart: I find it hard to believe Olsig still associates with you after all these years.
Richard Parker: (sighs) You’re right. It wasn’t Olsig. It was Criss Angel. I was embarrassed.
The B-Team finally makes it to the ring as the lights dim and “Run Rabbit Junk” by Hideyuki Takahashi hits on the PA. First, the big man, Mushigihara, exits out from Argyle Position, soaking in the fans chanting “OSU! OSU!” for him. Then, David Fox leaps out from the curtain, somersaulting into a kneeling position in front of the big man, wingspan stretched out. The fans cheer Dangerous Mix as they first recreate the epic handshake between Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger from Predator and strut to the ring.
Nick Stuart: The Mix looks fired up!
Richard Parker: I hope they’re not too cocky, because you and I both know, Nick, that their money is going to go towards buying GREAT SCOTT a new house.
Nick Stuart: Do you think the B-Team knows that Lee Best bought SCOTT a yellow bus that he converted into an all-inclusive living space on wheels?
Richard Parker: Riddle me this, would you tell a child the truth about Santa Claus?
Nick Stuart: Richard, Santa is real.
Richard Parker: Wait a s…
Nick Stuart: (swiftly interrupting) Santa Claus is real, and he’s my friend, Richard.
The Mix reach the ring. While the God-Beast’s stoicism is unflinching, Fox stares daggers alternatingly between Freeman and Schwartz.
Vince Howard: This match is scheduled for one fall! In the corner to my left, weighing in at a total combined weight of 336 pounds, The Entertainer, Randall Schwartz, Mr. Food-O-Matic 3000, Kenny Freeman. They are… MASTERS OF THE MULTIVERSE… B-Team!!!
The B-Team raise their arms as the crowd continues to boo them tepidly. A smattering of cheers rises up, presumably from the people who own and enjoy their Food-O-Matic 3000s.
Vince Howard: And in the corner to my right, weighing in at a total combined weight of 487 pounds, The Soul Survivor, David Fox, the God-Beast, Mushigihara… they are… DANGEROUS MIX! A cheer goes up for the quirked-up boys from New Orleans as Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell. Fox and Schwartz meet in the middle of the ring. Schwartz extends his hand in what seems to be friendship, but Fox reacts by looking at him like he has three heads.
Richard Parker: Shake his hand! You guys don’t have to fight; you can all just go out for coffee afterwards.
Nick Stuart: To paraphrase The Anglo Luchador, this is PRIME Wrestling, not PRIME Coffee Social Time. Besides, I’m not sure David Fox should trust Randall Schwartz as far as he can throw him.
Schwartz insists on a handshake again, but Fox bats it away and instead starts laying into Schwartz’s chest with machine-gun chops. Schwartz holds his chest in exaggerated fashion and staggers away to his corner, where Freeman makes the tag. Fox drops back and tags in Mushi. Freeman takes no time to bounce off the ropes to try and take the big man off his feet, but he just stumbles back after bouncing off the Kaiju’s enormous frame.
Nick Stuart: Not sure what Kenny was thinking there. He’s giving up nearly a buck-forty to the God-Beast.
Richard Parker: Yeah, but he’s all muscle. Jacked, baby!
Nick Stuart: Are you and I looking at the same Kenny Freeman?
Mushi drop-steps back and tags in Fox again. The God-Beast grabs Freeman, while Fox bounds off the ropes. However, Schwartz clips him in the back with a well-placed punch, causing him to stumble. Freeman breaks free of his grip from Mushi by stomping him in the foot.
Nick Stuart: And now the antics begin from the B-Team.
Richard Parker: What you call antics, I call good teamwork.
Freeman moseys over and clubs Fox in the back of his head, tagging in The Entertainer, who is now holding the tag rope as if nothing ever happened. They whip Fox off the ropes while Jimmy Turnbull counts to five.
Nick Stuart: BIG double-team flapjack stun gun! Fox’s gonna find it harder to breathe after getting his neck dropped across that steel cable!
Schwartz makes the cover…
Fox kicks out with authority.
Schwartz picks Fox up to his feet, stares directly into Mushi’s eyes, and gives the Soul Survivor the back rake to end all back rakes. Enraged, the former sumo charges into the ring, but Turnbull stops him in his tracks.
Nick Stuart: I don’t think you want to provoke the big man like that.
Richard Parker: Yes, you do, because look!
Freeman pops into the ring while Turnbull has the God-Beast restrained, and the B-Team play virtual ping pong with their fists as the paddles and Fox’s head as the ball. As soon as the big man is calmed down and Turnbull turns back around, Schwartz signals to Freeman to get out of the ring. The Entertainer hits a spaghetti-legged Fox with a snapmare and goes for another cover…
No! Fox kicks out again. Schwartz complains to Turnbull as the Soul Survivor starts crawling back to his corner. The Entertainer notices and deftly grabs Fox by his ankle. Fox turns around onto his back and…
Nick Stuart: Big double-leg kick from his back to break free! I think it’s God-Beast time and…
Fox makes the tag as the crowd erupts for the God-Beast. Freeman blind-tags himself in as Schwartz crumples into the corner. Freeman charges over, but Mushi is ready for him with…
Richard Parker: …an armdrag? What in Hoyt’s name?!?!
Freeman pops up, but the Kaiju is ready with ANOTHER armdrag.
Nick Stuart: Freeman is on rollerskates! This is a new wrinkle from the God-Beast!
Freeman pops up one more time, but the next move shocks everyone in attendance. Mushi leaps up with a snap hurricanrana, sending K-Free FLYING.
Nick Stuart: UNBELIEVABLE AGILITY from the former rikishi! I heard he was training with The Anglo Luchador, but this is beyond words!
Richard Parker: Welp, I don’t need to see a pig fly anymore. I’ve seen a sumo wrestler do a rana.
Mushi stands up to soak in the crowd chanting “OSU! OSU! OSU!” at him. Freeman gets up in a daze and stumbles into Mushi’s waiting arms.
Nick Stuart: Snap scoop powerslam! Something a little more traditional from Mushigihara! And a cover…
Freeman ekes his shoulder from underneath the much larger wrestler’s hulking upper body. Mushi rises and tags in Fox. The Kaiju then whips Freeman off the ropes, right into a perfectly timed Tornado Fang from the Soul Survivor. Fox waits for Freeman to get up from the canvas.
Nick Stuart: Oh no, Fox is sizing him up.
Richard Parker: Duck, Kenny, duck!
Nick Stuart: FLASHBA…. NO! Kenny caught his leg at the last minute!
Freeman drops immediately to his knees, hyperextending Fox’s hamstring and cracking his kneecap. K-Free goes to pick up Fox, but Jersey native shoves him away with two short, swift elbows to the chest. He takes a second to collect himself before turning around to tag Mushigihara again.
Richard Parker: Typical, letting the big man do all the work for…
Nick Stuart: NO! Mushi just took a tumble off the apron! Randall Schwartz, that devil, he ran all the way around the ring to sweep the big man off the apron!
Turnbull is distracted by the fighting on the outside. The Entertainer takes his shots, but the God-Beast absorbs them and starts firing back. Even though he has about 120 pounds on him, he knocked his head on the apron and is a bit loopy, allowing Schwartz to hold his own.
Nick Stuart: Turnbull is distracted right now by the two men fighting on the outside, but Fox is sizing up Freeman. Freeman is begging off?
Richard Parker: Normally I would have a snappy comeback here, but I’m not sure why Freeman is playing scared here either. Fox’s knee is ripe for the picking!
Fox lines up to attempt another Flashbang, but a man taking advantage of the chaos on the outside clips his plant leg, sending him to the canvas.
Nick Stuart: Of all the rotten, Kenny Freeman was playing possum so…
The assailant stands up and shows his face off to the crowd for all to see.
Nick Stuart: …Kenny Freeman could make the save for him?
Richard Parker: I’m seeing double here! Four Kenny Freemans!
Both apparent versions of Freeman are putting the boots to Fox until a third man hops in the ring.
Richard Parker: Wait, is that Randall Schwartz? But he’s supposed to be brawling with Mushi…
Nick Stuart: I have no idea what’s going on here, Richard. This is pandemonium. Have the Masters of the Multiverse hired lookalikes here?
Richard Parker: Maybe, or maybe they actually did meet themselves from another universe? This is…
Nick Stuart: Disgusting?
Richard Parker: Brilliant! Brilliant that’s what it is!
With Turnbull outside the ring physically trying to separate Schwartz-Prime and Mushi, the elseworlds Schwartz and both versions of Kenny Freeman quickly attack, knowing the time is short. The Freemen toss Schwartz into the air after climbing on their hands, and they complete a version of The Colony’s Ant Hill Splash on the prone Fox. The otherworld Masters of the Multiverse dip out of the ring and roll under the skirt while Schwartz-Prime finally notices and backs off Mushi. The sumo notices Freeman has Fox prone and follows Turnbull to the ring, but a jab comes from under the ring, slamming right into Mushi’s shin. Schwartz follows up with a chop block.
Nick Stuart: Did those impostors or multiversal clones or whatever just hit Mushi from under the ring?
Richard Parker: I didn’t see anything.
For good measure, Freeman stands up, bounces off the ropes, and adding insult to injury, shimmies trendily before nailing Follow the Freeman. Turnbull counts the ensuing pin…
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Here are your winners, the Masters of the Multiverse B-Team!
Nick Stuart: I have no idea what I just watched, but whatever it was had to have been one of the weirdest versions of highway robbery I’ve ever seen.
Richard Parker: It can’t be robbery. It’s charity! Haha, GREAT SCOTT will have money going towards a new home! Or at least a case of STRONKUMMS.
Nick Stuart: After that incident with the Armcold-way, I don’t think we should be shouting out questionable supplements on the show anymore, Richard.
Both sets of the Masters of the Multiverse… B-Team, strut away from the ring, with Schwartz-Two carrying the steel chair he ostensibly jammed into Mushi’s shin with one hand and pointing to his head with the other. Medics attend to both members of Dangerous Mix, who are slow to get up but seem mostly okay.