MAX KAEL? VS. CRASH JACKSON
The match graphic appears. The intrigue continues.
Richard Parker: More Max Kael? Ohhhh let’s go!
Nick Stuart: Back-to-back weeks of this guy is one thing. Back-to-back weeks of U.N. Couth, I can’t get her voice out of my head! It’s like nails on a chalkboard.
Richard Parker: It is beautiful.
Nick Stuart: (pause) Who are you? Nails on a chalkboard is a terrible thing!
Richard Parker: It is beautiful.
Nick Stuart: We’re done here. Vince, take over!
The scene goes to ringside, regardless.
Vince Howard: This match is for ONE FALL!
Everyone in the crowd just loves knowing the match is going to be for ONE FALL!
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from Buffalo, New York… weighing two-hundred-thirty-eight pounds… he is THE NORTHERN LIGHT… JASON “CRASH” JACKSON!!
The arena lights drop into darkness, save for the backlights in the entryway, as a mix of curious silence and spontaneous cheers comes over the crowd. With haste, a figure emerges from the back and stands head high, fist raised, and strikes a pose for a brief second.
LEEEET’S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBLE
The bell dings as Volbeat’s “A Warrior’s Call” floods the airwaves and brings the lights back up. A chaotic lightshow takes over the entrance ramp, with flashing white and red strobe lights, before Crash jumps in the air and stomps both feet in clear view for everyone to see. He roars violently with a fiery, toothy grin before beginning his frantic descent to the ring.
FEEL THE FIRE, HE’S ENTERING THE RING
HIS MINDSET KNOWS ONLY HOW TO WIIIIIIIN
Crash reaches the ring while pumping his fist in unison with the beat, being joined by many fans simply out of respect for fist pumping, and scales the stairs at the same hellacious pace before turning around to roar at the crowd again.
Nick Stuart: A lot of energy. I like this guy!
Richard Parker: Pining for Max Kael? already over here.
Nick Stuart: Pining, are you?
Richard Parker: Don’t judge me. (Changing course) This Jason guy is an idiot because of this annoying over-the-top entrance! Not a fan!
Nick takes the high road and doesn’t point out Richard is judging Jason Jackson, because he’s a hypocrite. Nevertheless, the entrance moves on.
UNLEASHING HIS HELL
YOU WON’T EVEN HEAR THE BELL
Jackson leaps over the top rope and lands with a thunderous rattle before pacing around the ring and nodding his head repeatedly. He stops in the middle, facing the crowd.
FEEL THE POWER OF THE WAAAAARRIOOOOR!
Crash steps towards the crowd, slamming his fist into the air and yelling along with the song.
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
He turns to the opposite side of the arena and offers the same sentiment.
LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMBLE
Much more fist pumping begins with sweat flying off his face and arms, landing on the lucky fans in the front row.
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
The music begins to die out as Crash locks in on the entrance way with an alarming stare, holding a violent gaze and snarl that raises red flags all over the place.
Richard Parker: Now the GOOD part!
Vince Howard: His opponent… from Arkham, Massachusetts… weighing in at two-hundred-twenty pounds… he is???… MAX… KAEL?????!!!!!!
The lights slowly faded in the arena as an ominous piano trilling plays over the P.A.
“I’ve just closed my eyes again.. Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver Train..”
Gary Wright’s voice creeps over the sound system, a soothing, soft sound that matches the soft pale light that touches the stage. Yes, indeed, it is in fact Dream Weaver, specifically the Wayne’s World version.
“Driver take away my worries of today.. And leave tomorrow behind..”
As the music swells Max Kael? can be seen rushing out onto the stage, straight to the center of the soft pale light. He raises his arms in unison with the music as it reaches its height aaaannnd…
“ooooOOOOOH DREAAAAM WEAVER!”
The stage comes alive with a single burst of glittering white pyro as Max Kael? poses with his hands held high above his head. The silver haired crone, U.N. Couth, crept out to his right while Max’s bodyguard, Violent Purple, stepped to his left.
Richard Parker: First of all, incredible entrance. Second, new muscle for Max?
As Gary Wright continued to serenade the crowd Max swaggered toward the ring with a massive smile stretched across his face. While the fans boo him, the music and the catchy bass line muffle their discontentment. For his part Max doesn’t appear to pay them any attention as he struts up to the ring steps.
Kael climbs up the ring steps before reaching the apron where he swiftly wipes off his feet. Stepping between middle and top rope, Max runs in a circle inside the ring until the timing of Wright’s famous song repeats the stanza.
“ooooOOOOOH DREAAAAM WEAVER!”
He immediately thrusts his arms up into the air, palms forward as a singular pillar of light shines down on Max Kael?. The formerly dead man then pulls his arms into a flex. As he does so, he bares his pearly white teeth toward the camera in the form of a predator smile, his brown eyes wild and wide.
As his music dies down Max slinks toward his corner apparently saddened his music is no longer playing.
Nick Stuart: This Max is something else.
Richard Parker: Incredible! I’ll say it again, best entrance in the history of professional wrestling.
Nick Stuart: Calm down fanboy. Are you going to oogle everything this man does?
Richard Parker: Probably.
DING DING
The crowd readies.
Nick Stuart: With TWO managers at ringside, you have to wonder if the advantage is going to be all in Max’s favor. I certainly am.
Richard Parker: Favor? Are you accusing them of cheating, already!?
Max Kael? walks up to Jason Jackson as the two stand eye-to-eye and toe-to-toe, even if Max is a little taller.
Nick Stuart: Glad to see Max has energy after his theme song closed off.
Richard Parker: Maybe he will wrestle for the SPARK of hearing the theme song AFTER THE MATCH. If you catch my drift.
Nick Stuart: (Heavy sigh)
U.N. Couth is shouting something on the outside, sounding like “go for the poke” but instead Max reaches out his right arm and wants to lock into a grapple.
Richard Parker: See!? Honorable! No cheating!
Jackson agrees and the two lock horns. Kael? is trying his best to overpower Jackson but even though he’s a little shorter, Crash has the weight and, perhaps, muscle advantage. He starts working Max into a corner.
U.N. Couth continues to scream directions at Kael?. It sounds like she wants him to break the hold or maybe go for a low blow since the opportunity is there.
Max doesn’t.
Instead, he’s worked into a corner and the hold is broken. Jackson takes his free arm and slams it against Kael?’s chest with a chop.
The crowd, of course, WOOOOOOOOs in reply.
Another chop.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Another-
No!
Kael? ducks and moves out from the buckle. He throws Jackson in the corner and then lands a chop of his own with a smile on his face.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But after the WOO, the crowd boos.
The referee has asked the action be taken out of the corner when Crash sticks his body through the top and middle rope. Surprisingly, Max listens. He walks to the center of the ring and waves Crash Jackson on.
Jackson sprints out and Max and Jason go through a sequence where Jackson ducks a clothesline but hops onto the side of Max Kael? and swings all the way around him. Jackson tries for a DDT but Kael? anchors himself into the mat and nothing further happens. Then Max grabs Crash by his tights and looks for a suplex when in mid-air, Crash reverses the hold and hits a modified stunner. Kael? stumbles into the buckle across the way and Jackson races in with a big splash!
Nick Stuart: Wonderful counters and an excellent splash!
However, U.N. Couth does not agree while Violent Purple stands calmingly beside U.N. Is Purple ready to strike? Who knows…
Kael? is whipped into the corner across the way and meets it chest-first. He bounces out and wobbles backwards to the center of the ring, where Jackson hits a back stabber.
Nick Stuart: We have our first pinfall of the contest!
ONE.
TW-
KICKOUT.
Jackson keeps the offense going. He’s quick to hurl Kael? to the ropes. Kael? ducks the first leg clothesline attempt as he bounces off to the next set of ropes… yet this time he’s put down to the mat with an incredible looking running cross body block!
In one fluent motion, Jackson lifts Kael? into a fireman’s carry and then lands a spinning DDT!
Nick Stuart: Another cover!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Richard Parker: U.N. Couth is NOT happy!
Nick Stuart: Of course she isn’t. I believe she’s been encouraging Max to cheat this entire time!
Richard Parker: I’d never!
Jackson knows he has to keep the offense going. He drills Max across the temple with a couple forearms for good measure and then hurls the former dead guy into the ropes- Jackson lands a drop toe hold into a standing moonsault splash! He rolls Kael? onto his back and hooks a leg again!
ONE!
TW-
REVERSED INTO A BACKSLIDE PINFALL BY MAX!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Both men are on their feet. Max ducks a superkick and spins Jackson to have his back facing him. Kael? lands an atomic drop. This is followed by a side Russian leg sweep and finally a falling headbutt!
Kael? keeps the offense going and it’s only until now U.N. Couth has calmed TF down. Kael? Irish whips Jackson into the ropes but follows him there. It’s clear Kael? doesn’t want to give Jackson the time to find his own footing so Kael? meets Jackson at the ropes and delivers a clothesline sending the Buffalo native out of the ring.
Nick Stuart: This was a great call by Kael?. You can see through his wrestling he’s respecting what Crash Jackson brings to the table. He didn’t waste a second meeting him at those ropes.
And Max doesn’t waste a second on the outside, either. He slips out of the ring, grabs Jason Jackson… and, at first, it looks like U.N. Couth wants him to steer Jackson into the steel steps or guardrail. Instead, Max throws Crash into the apron and then comes in with a clothesline, which knocks The Nightern Light into the ring.
Kael? gains that predatory look back in his eyes as he enters and throws a flash leg drop down for good measure. He pulls Jackson to his feet and connects with a belly-to-belly suplex. Max holds on and hits another. Max holds on and delivers a release suplex this time, tossing Jackson in the air as he does.
Jackson’s back hits the mat HARD. It looks like he’s out!
Nick Stuart: Kael? with the cover!
ONE.
TWO.
SHOULDER UP!
Couth DEMANDS excellence and Kael? is going to certainly try. He whips Jackson onto his feet when-
DESPERATION JAW BREAKER!
Kael? SHOOTS into the air, bicycle kicking at nothing while he slams back-first into the mat. The crowd cheers as Jackson has changed momentum. Jackson bounces off the ropes and leaps HIGH in the air with a wickedly performed big splash, connecting chest-to-chest.
Jackson stays on for a cover!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Couth was nearing a stroke on the outside, shouting at the referee to count slower and saying Max should’ve known better than to put himself in this position. Regardless, Jackson continues to be in the driver’s seat. He lifts Max’s head up with him and lands a few stiff shots to the dead dude’s skull. Once Jackson takes off to the ropes-
Max snatches him and performs a backdrop! Crash lands on the back of his head!
Nick Stuart: Jason hasn’t moved!
Max rolls over and hooks a leg!
ONE!
TWO!
BARELY A SHOULDER UP!
Kael? props Jackson to his feet and takes a good five steps back.
King kong lariat!
Jackson flips inside out and is once again expressing himself as DOA with a motionless effort. Kael? grins as he stomps over, pulls Jackson to his feet one more time-
Another desperation jack breaker!
The crowd cheers! U.N. Couth isn’t happy, thinking Max Kael? put his guard down. The crowd rallies in support as either man could rise to their feet. Meanwhile, Violent Purple cracks her knuckles.
Jackon tries to kip up but he’s super unsteady. He holds the back of his head while Kael?, on all fours, crawls towards the ropes and snatches the bottom one. He pulls himself to the second rope and takes it. Then the top rope.
Max spins around and right into a superkick under the jaw!
Kael?’s hands FLY in the air as he falls and lands across the ropes. Jackson connects with a second superkick, the WILD LEFT, and is powering up for a definitive blow.
It doesn’t happen. Max ducks at the very last second and U.N. Couth slowly climbs onto the apron across the other side of the ring. Referee Ashley Barlow is having none of it. She immediately makes her way over to Couth and demands the angry old lady remove herself from the rampway. Ashley’s also keeping eyes inside the ring but she still doesn’t have eyes in the back of her head.
Jackson bounces off the other side of the ring ropes and this is where Violent Purple is ready for him.
Crash isn’t ready for her.
WHAM!
A hard, stiff-as-shit shot to the face, crushing Jackson in the nose. Max marches over, snatches the stunned body of Jason and methodically kicks him in the stomach. Kael? hoists Crash in the air and connects with the Weapon of Max Destruction, a brutal looking finish!
THUMP!
Kael? hooks the leg for good measure. By now, Couth is off the apron and Violent Purple has long moved back to where she resides.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: So much for cheating, huh?
Nick Stuart: So much for cheating? What did Violent Purple and U.N. Couth just do?
Richard Parker: Max wrestled honestly.
Nick Stuart: Whatever.
Couth and Purple are now in the ring. Max’s hand is raised as Ashley Barlow then exits and allows the celebration to continue. Crash Jackson has since rolled to the side of the squared circle, exits and walks to the back, holding the side of his head. The Kael? family soon follows, as U.N. Couth leads the way with Max in the middle, semi-recovering from the contest and Violent Purple bringing up the back end, rubbing her knuckles. Not from pain, but from the amazing feeling of Jackson’s nose against it.
Richard Parker: I am really enjoying this Max Kael? and his extended family. I’d love to see more!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
U.N. Couth is going batshit insane (with pride) on the top of the ramp, telling the fans in the first few rows to get used to what they see.
Nick Stuart: …Unfortunately.
Revival goes to commercial.