MEAT?ING OF THE MINDS
The camera cuts to the same place it was a few shots ago, the official trailer of MEAT? Wagon. Max Kael? sits inside with Ulsa N. Couth and Violent Purple quietly discussing something. The name Eddie Cross comes up a few times but it’s hard to tell what is being said for sure. Their conversation becomes lively until they are interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the MEAT? Wagon door.
Max is quick to scramble the door peeking through the peephole.
Max Kael?: Oh! It’s the.. The.. Anglo guy. Luchador? Like the Pirate King I guess.
The door creaks open, and one Anglo Luchador, wearing jeans, sneakers, a snapback trucker hat with the CSWA logo on the front, and a t-shirt that has Bart Simpson holding a phone to his ear with the caption “You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one” below the pic.
TAL: Good evening… uh, Max? And uh, ladies?
Everyone is still dressed in their news outfits though VP and UNCouth give TAL a cold reception. The Questionable Kael, on the other hand, is quite excited to see TAL at the door.
Max Kael?: Don’t mind them, they’re generally unpleasant. Too much time in the radiant sun that is moi. Now.. What brings you to the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM and MEAT? Wagon? Looking for a free sample?
Kael’s grin stretches into an uncomfortably sinister way while he retrieves a small tin simply marked MEAT? Pudding, dangling it out in front of him toward TAL.
TAL: Actually, I was looking to procure some of that, uh, MEAT? Seems as it was a hit down at LUCHA ESPECIAL 4. Someone set up a pop-up tent and it was selling like hotcakes. Plus, I owe Gavin Yum a meal and figured why the hell not.
The Luchador looks around the wagon with an unsure look seen through the eyeholes in his mask.
TAL: So, uh, what kind of incense you have burning in here? It smells… unique.
The old hag of a woman seated with Violent Purple pipes up finally.
U.N.Couth: It’s called Geruch des Röstens unerwünscht. It’s like bacon and salmon blended together. Grows on you, like untreated fungus.
Max Kael: She’s wonderful isn’t she?
TAL: You know, I had my reservations about her being here but…
The camera cuts to U.N.Couth cleaning underneath her fingernails with a switchblade.
TAL: …this is all great. Kosher too! Anyway, about MEAT? Do I talk to you about getting a bulk rate on it? How quickly does it spoil? And will Border Patrol confiscate it if I try to bring it into Mexico?
Max quickly retrieves a card from his wallet, fumbling with it before handing it over toward TAL.
Max Kael?: We usually sell to third world countries in bulk, places like, you know, Jattlantis, but we’re also happy to supply local warlords and private citizens as well! I got a guy, on that line, you hit him up with the numbers and textures you are looking for and I’m sure we can set you up with something zesty!
The Luchador’s eyes light up.
TAL: Zesty, you say? I didn’t know MEAT? came in different flavors and textures. Do you have anything in, say, a beef bourguignon? Or maybe pecorino romano? If I get the pecorino romano, it’ll still smell like Joel Embiid’s foot after a double-overtime game against the Celtics, right? It’s important that I maintain some bit of authenticity here.
The Kael with the Question Mark nods his head to whatever TAL is asking through he clearly is not understanding the references by the end.
Max Kael?: Legally I’m obligated to say yes to anything you say involving MEAT?. If we can’t do it, I’ll let U.N. Couth deal with it back there but between you and me? I haven’t had a MEAT? Product that I haven’t.. Eaten? Yes, that’s the word, eaten. Yes sir, right in my mouth and between my teeth. Yum, yum, yum.
The Luchador turns his head quizzically.
TAL: Are you okay? You’re talking like someone who just learned how to be a sentient creature five minutes ago.
He looks over at Violent Purple.
TAL: And what’s her deal? Does she always have, uh, how do I put this lightly so I don’t get stabbed, uh, R-B-F?
Max Kael?: I’ll be very honest, sentience has been a real hard concept to grasp and I’ve only had a few months to wrestle with it, pun intended, so I guess the best way to answer your question is.. Yes? As for Violent Purple, she’s here to hit me when I don’t behave like a rational sentient creature.
Around this time Max is struck in the side of the head with a can of MEAT? courtesy of Violent Purple herself. The sound is akin to a piece of tin cracking off a solid chunk of bone. Max crumbles to his knees groaning in pain before he notices the can.
Max Kael?: Oh sweet, Sweet Corn Pizza.. New flavor, thanks Violent.
Max stands back up offering the can of Sweet Candy Corn and Pizza flavored MEAT? In Crunch Texture toward TAL.
TAL: No thanks, I had some barbecue before I got here. Plus, I don’t accept food from other wrestlers in Greensboro, not since that time with Cameron Cruise and the Eggo Waffles. Never again.
The Luchador looks off into the distance like he just remembered that the gas was on at his house or a dog that he had to put down because they bit one too many mailmen. Even Max? is stunned at how esoteric the scene has gotten. He snaps out of it.
TAL: ANYWAY, I’m here for a reason, and that reason is MEAT?! Is there an order form? Do you have a special MEAT? rep here in the wagon? I’m not about to be murdered and turned into MEAT?, am I?
Kael turned to look at Violent Purple and Couth for an answer on that last question. Max wasn’t sure if they were going to murder TAL and turn him into MEAT? mostly because he had no idea how MEAT? was really made. Violent and Couth give Max that look that says that obviously they are not going to kill and eat someone. At least not with a camera crew there.
Max Kael?: Of course not! Hah-Hah! That’s silly, we would never think of killing someone and pressing their meaty bodies into a fine paste compatible with most types of cans! Absurd! As for a special MEAT? Representative, I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as special but I get that you are looking to make a big purchase. For that kind of buying you’d need to talk to my Legal Handler, Ms. Ulsa N. Couth.
We flash back to Couth who is now picking at her nasty, rotten teeth with the same switchblade. Delicious. The Luchador gags a little. He may have even thrown up in his mouth a little bit.
TAL: Charming. Anyway, it’ll be a pleasure doing business with you and your group. Uh, I hope you, um… you know what, I’m gonna level with you. I have no idea what this deal is, and yet it’s not even in the top five weirdest things I’ve seen in my wrestling career.
Max? goes to speak up, but The Luchador interrupts him.
TAL: Please don’t ask me to name my top five weirdest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. Because then I might start naming stuff from a company whose tape library mysteriously disappeared, and then I’ll have owls trying to pluck the eyes from my skull.
Beat.
TAL: AGAIN!
There is an awkward pause as Max checks his surroundings when he mentions owls. He had seen an alarming number of them roosting near PRIME shows in the last few weeks.
Max Kael?: Well that was ominous. So, do you want to speak with Couth or..?
TAL: Yeah, might as well get this done and ov…
TAL hurks again looking over at Couth using the same switchblade to now clean between her toes.
TAL: You know what, why not, life is short.
The Luchador heads over to Max?’s legal handler as the camera cuts to another part of the arena.