MORE THAN YOUR LIFE

“I FALL INTO A BLACK HOLE IN MY HEEAADD!!”

RUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Nick Stuart: NEW YORK! GET ON YOUR FEET! THE CHALLENGER IS HERE!

And there’s no time for foreplay; we’re jumping right to the good part. “Black Hole” hits the speakers right at the chorus, heavy and hard. That wall of white light bursts real bright. The PRIMEates? Yeah, they’re on their feet. Because it’s Colossus. Because it’s only night one. 

And yeah, because the Event Horizon is here.

The dress shoes. The slacks. The black button-up. The usual, but with microphone in hand and eyes on the ring. But not only on the ring.

They flash up to the Skybox, too, where a pair of Terminator T-Shades shine through the glass.

Nick Stuart: Tomorrow night, here in New York, Home Run Hayes will stand toe-to-toe with the eGG Bandit himself, against the PRIME Universal Champion!

Richard Parker: Against the Douche of all Douches! The kid better show up with his big boy pants on tomorrow. I wanna see Cancer get flattened.

Nick Stuart: Most, if not all, do.

Hayes climbs into the ring with intent, wiping the bottoms of his shoes at the apron. He finds center-ring, chin lifted and eyes closed for a moment to soak in the roaring crowd. After the rush dissipates, he raises the microphone to his lips.

Hayes Hanlon: Hey, New York! We’re at Colossus, huh?

The Garden once again booms, fully standing behind the young stalwart. Hanlon nods with a grin from the side of his mouth.

Hayes Hanlon: How ‘bout that Nova guy, huh?

Another rise from the REAL Garden, roaring their support for the Risen Star’s victory.

Hayes Hanlon: How ‘bout that Nate Colton guy, HUH?

And again, New York, in their most wonderful of accents, bellows their appreciation.

Hayes Hanlon: And all that, all THAT…before we get to watch Jared. Freakin’. Sykes…beat the absolute shit out of Paxton Ray!!!

Now, let’s take a moment, and let the New York crowd tear this mother down. 

Hayes, meanwhile, holds that mic’d fist in the air to make sure everyone’s voice is heard.

Hayes Hanlon: But even then, the job’s not done. Because this is Night ONE! 

The Home Run Kid points out into the audience as if to call his shot. They. audience, wait with baited breath to hear his next words.

Hayes Hanlon: And I’ve. Got. Work. To. Do.

Let’s. Hear. It. New. York.

RAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hayes Hanlon: And it starts with throwing out the tras….

On a normal night, the Garden would be allowed to further blossom with excitement and fervor, especially with Hayes standing near ten-feet tall in the ring. However, all good things must come to an end, and it would seem that the COOLYMPIAN has had enough.

From the safety of his Skybox, of course.

Cancer Jiles: (Calling down from the Skybox) Congratulations Hayes, you just proved you’re as stupid as all these people who came here tonight.

BOOOO!!!!!

Cancer Jiles: Go on, crumbs. I get it. I’d be mad, too. Not only because most of you couldn’t afford a ticket to the all important Night Two, but because that Crumb standing down there looking like he just walked out of Today’s Man is your best chance at de-throning me.

More rabid booing brings to life a snarky smile from the Champion.

Cancer Jiles: That is…unless he’s smart enough to take my offer.

Another extended chorus of boos. Hammerin’ Hanlon looks around the arena, then offers a light smirk before returning to the mic.

Hayes Hanlon: You know, I have been thinking about that offer, Jiles. To take the fall, join the Bandits.

He steps to the side, swooping his arm to display the ring

Hayes Hanlon: Why don’t you come on down from your box so I can give you my answer?

The crowd swoons, as is their right. Cancer, meanwhile, adjusts his shades with a toothy faux-grin.

Cancer Jiles: I bet you’d like that, Hayes. Wouldn’t you? I bet you’d love to see me march down to that ring and light this thing up early. 

Hayes nods in approval.

The crowd swoons once more.

Could Christmas come early?

Cancer Jiles: Well too bad. I’m not coming down there and trying to trip over those clown shoes you have on.

Hanlon squints with confusion, looking down at his sharp black dress shoes, giving them a quick inspection.

Hayes Hanlon: …clown shoes? These?

Cancer Jiles: You heard me. In fact, I’m surprised you didn’t roll your ankle springing up the steps just then.

A snicker.

Cancer Jiles: What? Did you just come from a kids party or something? Better yet, did you forget about the red nose? Or are you saving it for tomorrow night to hide behind?

More Championship level snickering from King COOL.

Hayes Hanlon: Did the Sopranos finally call back? Because that show ended when I was like, twelve, and the tracksuits didn’t even look that good…

Insolence will not be tolerated. Not during COOLOSSUS, no matter which night it is. As such, the UNIVERSAL Champion, of course dressed in his custom made, electric blue, company man, imported PRIME tracksuit, hastily leaps from his seat with vigor pulsing through his veins.

Cancer Jiles: HOW DARE YOU! This tracksuit cost more than your life! YOU HEAR ME!? YOUR LIFE!!!

The outburst draws a slight grin from Hammerin’ Hanlon, while Cancer’s bottom teeth jut out like piano keys.

Hayes Hanlon: Hey, maybe it did, Jiles. Maybe that tracksuit did cost more than my life. 

The Event Horizon then shifts his position in-ring, opening an arm toward the PRIME*View.

Hayes Hanlon: …but I’ll bet you’d trade that expensive tracksuit and more to see me pinned right here in this ring…

Jiles stares down to the ring through those mirrored T-Shades. Hayes looks up, that arm still outstretched, just before the PRIME*View bursts to life.

Hayes Hanlon: …let me show you what that looks like.

Suddenly, the PRIME*View flashes to ReVival 11, and the moment where Hayes delivered The Epoch to Cancer at the end of a grueling main event match. All of it. The whip. The powerbomb. The pin.

But not just once.

Over.

And over.

And over.

Lava pours from behind Cancer’s shades as “Black Hole” hits the speakers. Madison Square Garden erupts as Hanlon’s mustache lifts into a grin, just before rolling out of the ring and back-stepping up the ramp, the footage of defeating Jiles in July on repeat.

Richard Parker: I might be wrong about this kid! I might love this kid!

Nick Stuart: And no one would blame you, partner! And tomorrow night we’ll get to see them inside the ropes at Colossus: Night Two! But first, Jared Sykes will square up with Paxton Ray for a historical showdown! Right here! In Madison Square Garden, New York!

Richard Parker: On the ACE Network!

Meanwhile, Hayes reaches the top of the ramp, still facing the arena, jacking his jaw and throwing out fists. Cancer trembles with rage inside the Skybox, doing his best ignore the image of himself getting bombed on loop, and to ignore the thousands of roaring fans.