MORTIMER KJEDELIG vs. FLAMBERGE
Nick Stuart: An amazing night thus far on our eighth installment of ReVival! Our next match will feature the dubiously connected Mortimer Kjedelig taking on the young up-and-coming posterboy for Bert’s chips, FLAMBERGE!
Richard Parker: In the battle of names I can’t pronounce.
Nick Stuart: That’s why you’re not the ring announcer, Rich. Speaking of, let’s take it to Vince!
“Dangereux” by IAM plays. The crowd reaction is mixed, but nevertheless LOUD. FLAMBERGE appears on the stage and walks straight to the ring. His face is completely expressionless, but full of calm intensity.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, fighting out of Strasbourg, France, and weighing in at two-hundred and six pounds… HE IS… FLAAAMMMBEEERRRGGGE!!!
Getting the ringside fans buzzing without having to do anything but walk by, FLAMBERGE does a lap around the ring before scaling the ropes and stepping inside.
The opening riffs of “The Immigrant Song” by Karen O with Trent Reznor begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. Mortimer Kjedelig begins making his way down the ramp, pointing to the fans in attendance.
Vince Howard: And the opponent, hailing from Horace, North Dakota, and weighing in at two-hundred and forty-eight pounds… HERE IS… MORTIMEEERRR KJEEEDEEELIIIG!!!
As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope, steps up to the middle turnbuckle and raises his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. He hops off the turnbuckle and readies himself for the match as the music fades.
As the referee makes her final checks, the crowd breaks out into dueling “FLAAMBOIIIGGGE” and “KJERR-DERR-LERRG” chants. Kjedelig and FLAMBERGE stare at each other from across the ring, both looking ready to tear the other apart.
Richard Parker: So according to my Google Translate, “Kjer-Dee-Lig” is Norwegian for… “boring”?
Nick Stuart: Put that away, Rich! The way these two are staring each other down, I feel this match will be anything BUT! Official Ashley Barlow has made her final checks, and looks ready for the bell!
DING DING
Kjedelig and FLAMBERGE come out of their corners and begin encircling each other. The young Frenchman brazenly makes the first move, stepping forward with a flurry of jabs that puts Mortimer on the defensive. Kjedelig answers the flurry by wrangling FLAMBERGE in close and locking up his arms. FLAMBO pivots for a sweep, but Mortimer uses his advantage in strength to instead dump him into the corner.
FLAMBERGE now finds himself on the defensive, holding his guard as Kjedelig lays into him with unrelenting rights and lefts. Referee Ashley Barlow calls for a break, and Mortimer obliges by taking the younger wrestler out of the corner with his head tucked under the arm and runs him into the canvas with a bulldog!
Nick Stuart: FLAMBERGE came out guns blazing, but a quick turnaround gives way to a solid start for Mortimer Kjedelig!
Richard Parker: He’s got an advantage in forty pounds and twenty years, so I think it’s fair to expect he’s seen and survived enough in the ring to know how to handle the kid!
FLAMBERGE attempts to push himself off the mat, but following a quick bounce off the ropes, Mortimer Kjedelig keeps him in place after dropping a knee across the back of the head! Kjedelig quickly rolls the younger wrestler onto his back and hooks the leg for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
FLAMBO sits up, but Kjedelig quickly locks his head into a vice and squeezes down hard, pushing his knee into the back for extra leverage. He shakes his head to Barlow when she leans in looking for a submission. The Frenchman clenches his teeth as he wills himself to fight through the pain and try to move himself around.
FLAMBERGE succeeds in twisting himself off of Kjedelig’s knee, but Mortimer quickly transitions him into a front facelock. FLAMBO pushes himself off the mat to regain his footing, and Kjedelig responds with sharp knee strikes to the chest! The young judo technician’s legs wobble, until Mortimer goes to the well too many times and he catches him by the leg, transitioning right into a morote gari.
Nick Stuart: Double-leg takedown by FLAMBERGE, who finally finds himself in a position to return to the favor to Mortimer Kjedelig, as he goes right into the mount and UNLOADS on him with a hail of elbows!
Richard Parker: I don’t think that mask of his is going to provide much protection from those…
Mortimer stays covered for a moment before returning blows of his own. FLAMBERGE returns to his feet and the North Dakotan comes up with him. The rights and lefts don’t stop from either end as the two competitors trade heavy and uncompromising fists and forearms! The crowd gets LOUD as the match descends into an all-out slugfest!
Ashley Barlow finally restores order when she wedges her arms between either man’s chest and pries them away from each other. The official attempts to back FLAMBO back into his corner to check a cut that’s formed over his left eyebrow… but the Frenchman unexpectedly brushes by her, meets Kjedelig in the center of the ring, and the two immediately resume punching the tar out of each other! The audience ROARS!
Nick Stuart: We have an all-out BRAWL on our hands, Richard!
Richard Parker: I know this building has a rich history of boxing events, but this is crazy!
Time stretches between blows as the brawl’s attrition sets in and both men begin to wobble on rubber legs. Still, they keep punching! FLAMBERGE pivots and lands a back elbow that leaves Mortimer reeling. Kjedelig retorts with a big haymaker that leaves the Frenchman staggering off the ropes. He steps in and gives FLAMBO a push to send him motion, but they don’t go far.
FLAMBERGE plants his feet, reverses the hook the arms, swivels himself around, and rolls Kjedelig over to the mat with a judo hip toss, transitioning smoothly into a juji gatame. Kjedelig The crowd noise gets even louder as FLAMBERGE takes a hold of the wrist and locks his legs around the arm, but Mortimer Kjedelig locks his hands to prevent him from fully extending the arm!
Nick Stuart: WOW! In the blink of an eye, this match has become a fight standing up to one on the ground, as Moritmer Kjedelig finds himself in a BAD place right now! If FLAMBERGE extends into the cross armbreaker, this could be OVER right now!
FLAMBERGE pulls, but can’t pry Mortimer’s hands apart. Kjedelig twists and nuzzles and inches his way to the edge of the ring, his leg flopping against the canvas as he tries to reach the bottom rope. The Frenchman complicates his efforts as he laboriously forces his clenched fingers into coming undone.
The bottom rope SHAKES when Kjedelig’s foot finally reaches it, and Barlow steps in to break up the hold… just as FLAMBERGE finally pulls the hands apart and drops to the mat! The North Dakotan HOWLS as the armbreaker reaches its full extension…
Nick Stuart: He GOT IT!
Richard Parker: But a second too late!
FLAMBO’s face fills with confusion the moment he sees the official hovering over him calling for a break, and the momentary slip in concentration giving Mortimer Kjedelig all the leverage he needs to slip free, prop himself up, and bring his free fist down into the young athlete’s face with piston-like force, smashing his head HARD multiple times against the canvas!
Richard Parker: Tell you what, I’d hate to be a Bert’s shareholder right now, cause all anyone’s going to see when they look at that kid’s head after this is a rotten potato!
Kjedelig pulls himself up and shakes the feeling back into his arm as FLAMBERGE lies dazed on his back. Mortimer lays in a few stomps for good measure before pulling the rookie off the mat, hooking the head, and SPIKES him with a flowing DDT!
Nick Stuart: VICIOUS DDT by Mortimer Kjedelig, as he goes for the cover! Could that do it?
ONE!
TWO!
THR–NO!!
FLAMBERGE is still shaking out the cobwebs as he gets yanked back onto his feet. Kjedelig traps the arm and switches into a reverse three-quarter nelson. He’s about to drop into the neckbreaker… until a flurry of motion below the belt leaves him wincing in excruciating pain and instead falling to a knee!
Nick Stuart: LOW KICK by FLAMBERGE! Barlow didn’t see it!
Richard Parker: I didn’t see it either… which leads me to believe that you’re making it up.
Nick Stuart: What?!
FLAMBO twists himself around and the stunned Kjedelig turns with him, ending up right into a head clinch! With Mortimer’s hands around his sore groin region, his face is left totally exposed to a flying knee strike that crumbles him to the mat like an empty bag of chips!
Nick Stuart: JUMPING KNEE goes to the head of Mortimer Kjedelig like a rocket launcher, and is OUT! FLAMBERGE drops across the chest and hooks the legs…
ONE
TWO
THREE!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of the match, by pinfall… FLAAAMMMBEEERRRGGGE!!!
“Dangereux” by IAM plays over the PA rolls off of Kjedelig and sits up, checking the cut on his head as Barlow raises his arm in victory. He rolls out of the ring and brushes by the medic on his way to the back.
Nick Stuart: The young French judo prodigy pulls out a win tonight, although not without having it marred with controversy!
Richard Parker: I smell a conspiracy, Nick! Did the Belgians put you up to this?
Nick Stuart: …the BELGIANS?!
Richard Parker: I know, right? Who ARE the Belgins? Are they French, or are they German? Pick a side already! Yeesh!
Nick Stuart: I don’t… ugh, in any case, Mortimer Kjedelig didn’t come away without his pound of flesh, but FLAMBERGE proved here tonight that he can take his hits! More action is on the way, fans, right after this quick commercial break!