MORTIMER KJEDELIG vs. TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY
No cold open tonight folks, let’s just get right into the signs shall we?
THE HALLS? REALLY?
I WANT TO HIRE PAXTON RAY SO I CAN FIRE HIM AGAIN
DEAR DR. REFORM DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED?
BE SURE TO PACK YOUR RUING PREPARATION KITS IN CASE OF DR. REFORM
RUE LIES: THE NED REFORM STORY
RANDALL SCHWARTZ MAY BE A CHAMPION? THIS IS THE WORST MULTIVERSE
I WATCHED just scott KIP UP OFF THE MAT AND SCOTTACANRANA DR REFORM OUT OF THE AIR, AND MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
MAMA WANTS SOME CHOCOLATE COVERED BLUEBERRY HNNNGGGGGH
SOYLENT GREEN: THE OFFICIAL MEAL PREP KIT OF JACOB MEPHISTO
I KEYED MCGEE’S SORRENTO
WHY DIDNT THEY COVER SID PHILLIPS IN CHOCOLATE?
I NEED ROSETTA STONE WHEN I LISTEN TO FLAMBO TALK
I WISH I COULD BAKE A CAKE FILLED WITH RAINBOWS AND SMILES AND EVERYONE WOULD EAT AND BE HAPPY.
I BELIEVE IN YOU*
*-unless you’re the Love Convoy
THIS BLATANT FRUITISM WILL NOT STAND
HERE’S MY BANG LIST:
3.5 INCH DISK
ALEXEI RUSLAN SHOPS AT DULUTH TRADING COMPANY
IVAN STANISLAV SHOPS AT KOHLS
KOHL’S HAS 20% OFF IN STORE AND ONLINE UNTIL OCTOBER 18TH! GET IT! OH THIS IS TOO LATE!
…CAN WE CIRCLE BACK ABOUT THAT STABLE?
Well that was fun. Let’s turn it over to Nick and Richard, shall we?
Nick Stuart: Hello everyone, we are just about ready to start our opening contest-
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith interrupts the announcer as the crowd boos and out walks Pretty in Pink herself, Vickie Hall, receiving nuclear heat for the acts her and her group performed against the Tag Team Champions to end ReVival 16 two weeks ago.
Nick Stuart: Folks, I was going to get into this during the opening contest but we actually DON’T know the status of King Blueberry or Reina Raspberry for that matter after the vicious assault at the hands of Vickie Hall, her husband Jonathan-Christopher, teammate Darin Zion and this new guy, Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy. Honestly, I’m already sick to my stomach talking about-
Vickie Hall: HELLO awesome incredible joyous land of PRIME!
Vickie inadvertently interrupts the announcer again as the fans boo but The Woman of Wonder is living in her own little world. It’s like she doesn’t register the jeers. Instead, she tilts her head back, closes her eyes and sways from side to side in a dreamland. She sports a hot pink mini-top, hot pink leggings and the loudest pair of hot pink sneakers one could get their hands on (with cute lil’ bunnies on the front of them, it’s so adorbs).
Out walks The Vow of Virtue, Jonathan-Christopher Hall. He wraps his arms overtop of the tiny little woman. Jonathan-Christopher looks like he hasn’t changed since the attack. He’s in his black attire from two weeks ago, only without the ski mask.
Next up struts REAL LOVE Darin Zion, also in the same black gear, despite the ski mask. And yes, he holds a steering wheel in his hands.
Vickie Hall: I’m here to tell you PRIME has changed!
Vickie Hall: I know, right!? Just because PRIME’s owner can’t find love doesn’t mean we can’t express ours! Plus what we have in store for the King of Popsicles tickles me from head to toe! What you saw two weeks ago was NOTHING!
Nick Stuart: She was fined, you know. They all were fined.
Richard Parker: They don’t seem to mind…
Vickie gazes up into her man’s eyes. She giggles childishly, before trying to compose herself from the joy she feels inside. Zion lightly honks the horn a couple of times before turning to a spot in the crowd and honking it directly at them.
Vickie Hall: Me, my Amazing Life Partner and his best friend are going to fix this journey. PRIME is a fairytale. A wondrous, superpentious, dreamiclious display of LOVE!
Nick Stuart: Are those even words?
Richard Parker: [Deep thought] I think so.
Suddenly, Vickie’s demeanor switches on a dime. Anger floods her face, her free hand rolls into a ball of rage as she shakes profusely. Her ALP detaches himself from hanging off her shoulders as Vickie walks a few steps forward, into the front of the rampway.
Vickie Hall: KING BLUEBERRY!
The crowd cheers.
Vickie Hall: You poured chocolate syrup on me… so we fucking WATERBOARDED YOU.
And then all is calm again as she giggles and pops her shoulders up and down. Jonathan-Christopher is there to once again hang himself over the top of her body.
Vickie Hall: Everyone is on notice because we are mad! We tried to play nice and express our love but this wasn’t possible.
She holds the mic up, towards the mouth of her Amazing Life Partner. Jonathan-Christopher’s eyes fall on the crowd. He takes a deep breath.
And screams into the mic.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES RUINED EVERYTHING. ALL WE WANTED WAS A NOOK TO EXPRESS HOW WE FEEL BUT YOU FUCKING PRICKS WOULDN’T LET IT HAPPEN. NOW WE WILL KILL, KILL, FUCKING MURDER-KILL-DESTROY YOU ALL!!! KILL KILL KIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
He’s breathing like a maniac as Vickie has a pleased look on her face. She lowers the mic and tilts her head upwards to view her man. Raising an arm, she pats him on top of the head like he did well.
Vickie Hall: Good boy, my love.
Jonathan-Christopher is huffing and puffing. The guy is in his mid-twenties but looks like he worked himself into a heart attack. Regardless, Vickie’s moved on. A lightbulb goes off in her head.
Vickie Hall: I almost forgot! It’s Journey time! IT’S CONVOY TIME.
Zion goes apeshit ballistic honking into the horn.
Vickie Hall: Introducing our NEWEST member… he is Jonathan-Christopher’s cousin… TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY!
The Nuzzle Lord from Sacramento, California appears, also wearing his all black attacker uniform from last week. He’s even wearing the ski mask but as he approaches the others, he rips it off to display a confident, smug look across his freckled face. The fans continue to boo. TCG hugs his cousin, kisses Vickie on the hand and then takes a honk of Zion’s horn before making his way down to the ring while the rest of the group exit.
Nick Stuart: I wish nothing but bad things on all of them.
Richard Parker: We’ll try to get an update on King Blueberry and Renia Raspberry later in the night, since the Tag Team Championships are supposed to be defended in the main event! But it is true, we have not heard if they’ve been medically cleared yet.
Nick Stuart: I wouldn’t trust a soul with Vickie and them lurking around. It might be best if they aren’t medically cleared this week. Also, is it The Hallmark Journey or the LOVE CONVOY?
Richard Parker: I think it’s both!
Gladhappy skips his way down the ramp and then slides into the ring.
Nick Stuart: And after…whatever that was, we’re going right into our opening contest between Mortimer Kjedelig and the debuting Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy.
Richard Parker: Yep.
Nick Stuart: Uh…anything more you want to add to that, partner?
Richard Parker: Nope.
The opening riffs of “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp.
Nick Stuart: Mortimer Kjedelig is coming off of a loss at UltraViolence to Tony Gamble, and that match had an awful stipulation for Kjedelig. He’s now a member of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate!
Richard Parker: Awful? He’s got Tony Gamble in his corner! And he probably even has a talking button!
Nick Stuart: Don’t you dare touch that button.
Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring, from Horace, North Dakota…weighing in at 248 pounds…MOOOORTIIMEEEEERRRR KJEEEEEDEEEEEEELIIIIIIIIIG!
Mortimer Kjedelig begins making his way down the ramp, pointing to the fans in attendance. As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope, step up to the middle turnbuckle and raise his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. He hops off the turnbuckle and readies himself for the match as the music fades.
Ashley Barlow points to the Hallmarks and says some words before signaling for the bell.
Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy walks up to Mortimer Kjedelig and without warning fires a slap across his face.
Nick Stuart: He just slapped him?
Richard Parker: I have his info page here, Nick, and it looks like those are…love slaps.
Gladhappy lands another slap, this time to Mortimer’s shoulder. The crowd lets out another exaggerated response, and another, as Gladhappy continues to land slap after slap. Mortimer endures a few more, then shakes his head and shoves Tristan-Crispin back, sending the Nuzzle Lord onto his back. Gladhappy holds his head as he writhes on the mat.
Nick Stuart: Mortimer wasn’t feeling the love there!
Richard Parker: That’s why you’re the king, Nick.
Mortimer bends over and grabs Tristan-Crispin, then lifts him to his feet and shoves him into the corner. The ring microphones pick up “You want to slap, huh?” from Mortimer, who then unleashes a big slap across the chest.
Gladhappy screams and tries to grab his chest, but Mortimer moves his arm away and fires another slap.
Mortimer grabs Gladhappy’s head and walks out of the corner, then plants TCG with a bulldog. He drops for the cover and Ashley Barlow slides into position.
Nick Stuart: And a kickout by Gladhappy, but Mortimer Kjedelig is really putting the screws in early!
Richard Parker: Hm.
Nick Stuart: You all right?
Richard Parker: Yep. Never better.
Nick Stuart: Okay…
Mortimer rolls Gladhappy over and pops up only to drop down with an elbow drop to his back, and another. TCG rolls back onto his back and tries to recover, but Mortimer doesn’t give him any opportunity. The GAS’s latest member lifts Gladhappy up and lifts him over in a snap suplex.
Nick Stuart: Kjedelig has the size advantage, as it seems he usually does in his matches. He’s a large man and is using that size to his advantage.
Gladhappy pulls himself up using the ropes as Mortimer stalks his prey. He pushes him against the ropes, then levels TCG with a clothesline. Gladhappy pops right back up and Mortimer catches him and hits him with a body slam, then goes for another cover.
Another kickout from Gladhappy. The Hallmarks on the outside collectively slam on the apron, willing their cousin on to victory. TCG must hear them, because he gets to his knees and, as Mortimer walks over to continue his assault, he grabs Mortimer and rolls him into a small package, grabbing the tights for leverage.
Nick Stuart: Reversal! Quick pin!
Mortimer kicks out and tries to explode out for a clothesline, but Gladhappy ducks out of the way and grabs him from the back, flattening him with a Russian Leg Sweep. The Halls on the outside cheer as if they won the lottery.
Nick Stuart: Looks like Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy has turned the tide and is now looking to take advantage!
Richard Parker: Yep.
Nick Stuart: Hey, partner. You know this whole thing is a two man game. We both need to play off of each other. What’s bothering you?
Richard Parker: Nothing.
Gladhappy starts to attack Mortimer with kicks and stomps. Mortimer rolls onto his stomach to avoid the stomps, and Gladhappy responds with a splash onto the small of his back, causing the masked man to yell out in pain.
Nick Stuart: Look. We’re friends. We can be honest with each other. I don’t mind us hashing this out on the air. Is it something I did that upset you?
Richard Parker: Nope. Not anything you did.
Nick Stuart: Then what is it?
Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy stands up and poses, a big smile on his face. The crowd boos him lustily as Mortimer tries to get to his feet.
Richard Parker: FINE! I’LL TELL YOU! IT’S THESE NAMES! THESE STUPID FREAKING NAMES!
Nick Stuart: What?
Richard Parker: I’ve been a good soldier for weeks, making my fun little Mortimer Get Kjiggywithit jokes over and over again, ignoring what a ridiculous name it was. And now Jonathan-Christopher is back, sporting his two names that should NOT be hyphenated. And that’s not all!
Gladhappy is on top of Mortimer as he gets to the ropes, wrapping him up in a rear choke. Barlow steps in to pull Tristan away due to the rope break.
Richard Parker: Now we have THIS GUY! What THE HELL is a Tristan-Crispin! It sounds like a wafer cookie you buy in England!
Nick Stuart: Well, currently he’s a wrestler who is arguing with referee Ashley Barlow. Ashley Barlow is a strong, capable referee, just evidence of how strong the non-wrestling talent is at PRIME.
Richard Parker: Thanks!
Nick Stuart: I wasn’t…never mind.
While Ashley and Tristan-Crispin yell at each other, a groggy Mortimer hangs on the ropes. Jonathan-Christopher Hall steps up onto the apron and grabs Mortimer’s head, then slams his neck across the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Oh come on!
Richard Parker: What?
Nick Stuart: You didn’t just see Jonathan-Christopher Hall cheat to help his cousin?
Richard Parker: No. I rant with my eyes closed. Everyone knows that. Anyway I’M NOT DONE RANTING!
Mortimer falls onto his back and Tristan-Crispin hits a leg drop across the throat of Mortimer, then goes for the cover.
Mortimer kicks out. Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy lifts Mortimer up and guides him into the corner. The Nuzzle Lord begins to slap Mortimer relentlessly in the corner.
Richard Parker: It’s not just them either. King Blueberry? Balaam? The Anglo Luchador? Hayes Hanlon?
Nick Stuart: What’s wrong with Hayes Hanlon?
Richard Parker: HAYES IS A LAST NAME!
Mortimer puts his hands up to shield himself, and Ashley Barlow counts to five as the slaps continue. She steps in between the wrestlers to push TCG away, and that’s when Kjedelig makes his move.
Nick Stuart: Low blow!
Richard Parker: By who? I’m still ranting!
Nick Stuart: Mortimer Kjedelig kicked Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy right in the groin!
Richard Parker: Do you realize what an insane sentence that is?
Tristan keels over as the Halls step up on the apron to protest. Mortimer rushes towards Jonathan-Christopher Hall and shoulder tackles him, sending him to the floor. As he stands there, jawing at Darin Zion, the fallen Hall and his wife, Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy recovers and sneaks up on Mortimer. He puts his head under Mortimer’s legs and stands up.
Nick Stuart: Uh oh! Gladhappy has him up for that Electric Chair Drop! He calls it Building Something Together!
Richard Parker: Kjetblue is about to come crashing down!
Nick Stuart: That was actually a good one.
Mortimer begins thrashing, punching the head of Tristan-Crispin. The Nuzzle Lord tries to heave the larger man off of his shoulders and into the move, but Mortimer turns in midair and grabs onto Tristan’s head.
Nick Stuart: Wow! That was an amazing display of athleticism from Mortimer Kjedelig! And both men are down!
Ashley Barlow checks on both men, then begins her count.
Tristan-Crispin begins stirring, moving towards the ropes. Mortimer rolls to his stomach, then gets to his knees.
Tristan-Crispin gets to his knees as well, then grabs Ashley Barlow’s arm and asks her for help getting up. She refuses, of course, but the more important thing is that she isn’t looking at Mortimer or the Halls.
Which is unfortunate, because Vickie swings her purse directly into Mortimer’s face.
Nick Stuart: Oh come on!
Richard Parker: What? I missed it!
Nick Stuart: Oh, were you still ranting with your eyes closed?
Richard Parker: No, I’m being intentionally obtuse.
Nick Stuart: Oh.
Mortimer falls over, and Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy walks over and grabs his ankle, then sits down.
Nick Stuart: Head Over Heels! He’s got that seated ankle lock applied!
Mortimer screams and tries to escape, but there’s nowhere to go. After a few moments of pain, he finally taps.
DING DING DING!
Vince Howard: The…
There is a muffled microphone sound, and after a moment we realize why, as Vince’s microphone has transferred to…someone else.
Vickie Hall: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, THE COUSIN OF THE WONDERFUL JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL…TRISTAN-CRISPIN GLADHAPPY!
Nick Stuart: It took everyone at ringside, but Tristan-Crispin has won his PRIME debut match. And you have to feel for Mortimer – that’s two straight matches he’s gotten cheated out of!
Richard Parker: You have to imagine Tony Gamble won’t like that.