MOTM B-TEAM vs. DANGEROUS MIX vs. EGG BANDITS
“Wolf Totem” by The Hu hits and Bobby Dean and Fred Mayhew emerge at the top of the ramp to a chorus of boos.
Vince Howard: And first… coming to the ring weighing in at 642 lbs… THE EGGGGGGGGGG BANDIIIIIITS!
Fred walks to the ring purposefully while Bobby lumbers behind him, meandering from side to side. A fan offers Bobby a bundt cake, and Bobby takes it with him eagerly.
Richard Parker: How is he eating a bundt cake before his match?
Nick Stuart: I think he needs the carbs Richard.
Richard Parker: Nobody has ever said that about Bobby Dean. Ever.
“Let Me Entertain You” plays over the sound system to a fairly mixed reaction.
Vince Howard: And next coming to the ring… weighing in at 336 lbs! The Masters of The Multiverse… B-TEEEEEAAAAAAM!
The New York Crowd is very unfamiliar with exactly who Kenny Freeman is, but they all know Randall and boo him into the dirt. They make their way to the ring holding their favorite food based appliance.
Richard Parker: That thing is amazing.
Nick Stuart: You told me on the way here you’ve never used it.
Richard Parker: A man has to get paid.
“Run Rabbit Junk” by Hideyuki Takahashi hits on the PA. First, the big man, Mushigihara, exits out from Argyle Position, soaking in the fans chanting “OSU! OSU!” for him. Then, David Fox leaps out from the curtain, somersaulting into a kneeling position in front of the big man, wingspan stretched out.
Vince Howard: Coming down to the ring at a combined weight of 487 lbs! THE DAAAAAAANGEROUS MIIIIIIIIIX!
The fans cheer Dangerous Mix as they first recreate the epic handshake between Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger from Predator and strut to the ring.
Nick Stuart: What an ovation for the mix here in Madison Square Garden
Richard Parker: David Fox isn’t even from New York.
Nick Stuart: He’s from across the river Richard!
The Mix reach the ring. While the God-Beast’s stoicism is unflinching, Fox stares daggers alternatingly between Freeman and Schwartz.
David Fox, Fred Mayhew, and Kenny Freeman start it out for their teams. The three men begin an awkward circling. Fox reaches out towards Freeman, but Kenny escapes, Fred takes a swipe at Fox who speeds up towards Kenny. After a few moments of this, Fox and Fred lock eyes, and both start towards Kenny Freeman.
Richard Parker: Kenny might be in trouble here.
Nick Stuart: Both men are now cutting Kenny off.
They make it in and Kenny starts firing right hands all around. Fox gets peppered with a few blows, Fred Mayhew gets hit by a few more. David Fox finally is able to grab Kenny and whips him over with a side headlock. Kenny crashes to the mat and Fred bounces off the ropes and smashes Kenny across the face with a low drop kick. David Fox jumps to his feet and just as Kenny is about to sit up, Fox comes in with a thunderous kick to the back of Kenny Freeman’s head.
Nick Stuart: OUCH! What a kick by Fox!
Richard Parker: LOOK OUT FOX!
On the follow through Fred betrays his new found friend with a huge lariat taking David Fox clean off of his feet. Fred jumps up and grabs Fox around the head dragging him to his feet. Fox fires off an elbow to Mayhew’s stomach, then another. Fox manages to free himself but walks into a running forearm from Freeman. David stumbles backwards into the waiting arms of Doozer who absolutely plants him to the canvas with a belly to belly suplex. Doozer picks Fox up and whips him into the corner expecting Bobby Dean to do something. Fox smashes into the corner and Bobby’s bundt cake sadly goes flying to the arena floor.
Nick Stuart: Now it’s Mayhew and Freeman!
Mayhew jumps back to his feet, and Kenny Freeman panics, starting to walk backwards. The old bull rushes in and manages to grab Kenny before he can get to his corner. Mayhew lifts Freeman up and plants him to the canvas with a german suplex. Fox tags in Mushi and rolls to the outside. Fred goes at Mushi and hits him as he’s coming through the ropes with a knee lift. Mushi’s head shoots backwards but the big man reaches out and grabs Fred by the throat, tossing him backwards into the turnbuckles. Freeman has made his way to his feet, and Mushi sees him scrambling towards Randall Schwartz.
Richard Parker: I don’t exactly know what Kenny thinks he’s doing.
Nick Stuart: Neither do I.
Randall Schwartz abandons Kenny Freeman’s corner, dropping down to the ringside floor and vanishes. Kenny can’t believe his eyes, his outstretched arm is literally left hanging by Randall Schwartz. He pulls himself towards the ropes but Mushigahara throws Kenny back over his head, sending him crashing to the mat with a huge german suplex. Mushi rolls back to his feet and is met with a right hand from a resurgent Fred Mayhew. Fred fires multiple shots in at the kaiju, the first blow staggers Mushi, the second blow only sends him taking one step back, the third shot Mushi doesn’t budge. He leans back and roars and absolutely decapitates Fred Mayhew with a short arm clothesline.
Nick Stuart: MUSHI IS ON FIRE!
Richard Parker: Don’t worry Nick, Randall Schwartz is figuring everything out.
Nick Stuart: The day that guy can figure anything out we’re all in big trouble.
Bobby Dean looks on with incredible apathy. The big man looks towards his fallen bundt cake, and his eyes begin to water. He can’t believe what David Fox had done to it, his favorite snack, he’d climb down and lick the lemon frosting off the padded floor mats, but it was so far away. Meanwhile David Fox is groggily awakening from unconsciousness on the apron.
Richard Parker: Bobby is eyeing that cake on the floor like a redneck looks at Jared Sykes.
Nick Stuart: What’s this about rednecks and Jared Sykes?
Richard Parker: It’s been a whole thing on Jabber Nick, you wouldn’t understand. Timo’s son is really into it though.
Nick Stuart: Eddie Cross?
Richard Parker: Nope, he’s no longer Timo’s son, he lost it in a wrestling match. Come on Nick, follow along.
Nick Stuart: Okay… So anyway Kenny Freeman looks like he’s getting back to his feet.
Freeman gets to his feet holding his skull, he turns around directly into a running freight train known as Mushi. The Kaiju levels Freeman with a shoulder tackle, carrying him all the way to his own corner and slamming him against the turnbuckles. Mushi hops up and fires back across the ring and drives a shoulder into Fred Mayhew’s stomach, then runs back across the ring and smashes Freeman. He stops in the middle of the ring.
Crowd: OSU! OSU! OSU!
Running clothesline to one side of the ring, and a running clothesline to the other side of the ring follow, the crowd chanting OSU! The entire time Mushi runs. Bobby Dean is eyeing that bundt cake icing like he’s been sitting in a desert all day and it’s a glass of water. He’s making more eyes than Jace Parker Davidson makes on twitter. Then Randall Schwartz’s face pops into view from underneath the ring.
Richard Parker: You know, Randall’s faith in Kenny Freeman to not die is pretty impressive.
Nick Stuart: I mean yeah… kind of… but isn’t he dying?
Richard Parker: I never said it was smart.
Mushi throws Kenny across the ring and smashes him into Fred Mayhew. Mushi lets out another battle cry before storming across the ring and smashing both men into the corner with a giant big splash. Randall clearly can’t see any of this, but what he can see is Fred Mayhew’s arm hanging over the edge of the apron, and slowly moving towards Bobby Dean. Randall does the only thing that he can do, and pulls out a box of jelly donuts and starts yelling at Bobby Dean.
Nick Stuart: I think Mushigahara has absolutely obliterated the two men in the ring at this point.
Richard Parker: Yeah I’m not sure how Kenny Freeman is alive still.
Mushi has Kenny Freeman up in the air and is spinning him around in a torture rack. Kenny is wailing as loud as he can, when the Kaiju drops backwards and smashes Freeman to the mat with a huge samoan drop. Randall hears the crash, but pays it no mind. Bobby looks at the wrestler formerly known as Doozer reaching out for the tag. He looks back at the box of donuts, he looks back at Doozer, then back at the donuts, he feels his tum-tum doing the rum-rum, looks back at Doozer, then back at the donuts, Bobby finally makes the choice.
Richard Parker: Bobby’s after the pastries!
Nick Stuart: This feels like it was an obvious decision.
Richard Parker: It probably was.
Mushi hooks Freeman’s leg in the center of the ring. Jimmy Turnbull slides in for the count.
Fred Mayhew falls/dives onto Mushi with a double axe handle. Turnbull jumps to his feet and holds up a two as an enraged Mushi rolls off of Kenny Freeman and is staring down Fred Mayhew.
Nick Stuart: Fred Mayhew beat Mushi a few weeks back, and Mushi is staring down Fred! He’s furious! The Kaiju did not forget!
Mayhew lumbers to his feet, the elder Bandit throws a right hand that connects with Mushi’s jaw. Mushi fires back with a chop that causes Doozer to grip his chest in pain. Doozer comes back and smashes Mushi with a forearm to the neck. Meanwhile, Randall has retreated away from Bobby, but Bobby has decided to try to follow. He gets down on all fours and tries to squeeze his way under the ring. You all thought Sykes had a caboose? You should see what Bobby sells on his OnlyFans.
Richard Parker: Bobby is after the pastries!
Nick Stuart: In the ring Richard, we have a show down!
Mushi delivers another thunderous chop to Doozer, who hulks up like he’s actually John Cena. Mushi fires another chop, Doozer begins to rumble and stumble. The man sometimes known as Fred Mayhew fires a right hand, he grabs Mushi by the hair and fires another, then another, then another. Randall scrambles out from under the ring, and Bobby gives chase. Randall uses his barista skills to perfectly balance the Jelly Donuts as he scampers up onto the ring apron. Bobby Dean lumbers behind, moving quickly for Bobby, but for normal human beings still extremely slow. Bobby has his arms outstretched and Randall is playing keep away. He looks back into the ring and sees the chaos of Mushi and Doozer, and looks back at the gargantuan reaching for the donuts. Randall makes a decision he’ll later come to regret and finds his way scampering up the ropes to get away from the out stretched chubby childlike arms of Bobby Dean.
Nick Stuart: What the hell is Randall doing?
Richard Parker: Saving Kenny from Bobby I think?
Bobby tries to jump after Randall, but his feet barely leave the ground. Bobby looks up at Randall on the top rope and knows what he has to do. Bobby begins his climb. Kenny Freeman finally makes his way to his feet again, Fred Mayhew and Mushi both turn towards Kenny at the same time and deliver a blistering double chop to Kenny’s chest and he falls back down. Bobby reaches from the bottom rope, but the bottom rope is almost on the mat from Bobby’s weight. He steps up to the middle rope.
Nick Stuart: I’ve never seen Bobby leave the first rope.
Richard Parker: Those donuts are from Sullivan Street Bakery Nick, they are incredible.
Mushi grabs the hulked up Mayhew/Doozer/Cena by the hair and slams his face into David Fox’s outstretched boot. Doozer does the stumble off and falls face first into the canvas. Bobby Dean is still reaching from the middle rope, but Randall has escaped to the top rope. Bobby betrays all common sense, and all resignations about heights. All he see’s is the delicious donuts from Sullivan Street. He climbs to the top rope, but there’s not enough room for him and Randall. Just as Kenny Freeman starts to show another sign of life, Randall Schwartz is thrown from the top rope by Bobby’s girth. Randall falls and lands directly on top of Kenny Freeman. Still with the donuts in his hand.
Nick Stuart: I don’t know what I’m watching.
Richard Parker: Neither do I.
Bobby Dean, the beautiful man from Honalee looks down at the donuts and begins to wobble like a newborn fawn as he tries to stay standing up on the top rope. His shaking legs send a ripple through his incredible girth. His bowl full of jelly jiggles, Bobby’s second, third, fourth, and fifth chin begin to dance the electric slide in different directions. Even his well manicured mane begins to sway. His thighs begin to chafe from the intense vibrations. Somewhere, someone in the fourth row throws up while watching the waves of Bobby’s back fat crash against his neck. The resulting butterfly effect is enough to send our beautiful boy tumbling to the earth.
Randall Schwartz’ face is frozen in absolute horror. He can’t move. He can’t think. There is just the impending trip into the nothingness, the dark inky blackness of death and despair was falling at him all while screaming like a banshee in sheer terror terror. Kenny Freeman peaks over Randall’s shoulder, his eyes as wide as Bobby himself. He mouths his first curse word ever. Yes it is indeed ‘oh fuck.’
Richard Parker: HOLD ON TIGHT NICK!
Nick Stuart: We’re going to get a call from a government agency about the seismic activity at Madison Square Garden!
The ring rumbles, papers fly off the announce desk, Nick and Richard spill out of their chairs, women in the first three rows talk amongst themselves about the intense vibrations, the entire arena shakes. Mushigahara is sent to the mat by the ensuing shockwave, David Fox is LAUNCHED over the top rope, Doozer is thrown violently into the far corner. Jimmy Turnbull has dropped to the mat and curled into a tight ball. Randall Schwartz and Kenny Freeman have completely vanished underneath Bobby Dean’s girth. The only thing remaining is the purple and red jelly poking out from the edges of Bobby’s body.
Richard Parker: I think they’re gone…
Nick Stuart: They just… did they absorb into Bobby?
Richard Parker: Do they live in his belly button now?
Nick Stuart: Is that a place you can survive?
Mushigahara looks up, complete shock etched across his face. He looks at the other legal man; Fred Mayhew is still unconscious from the blastwave up against the turnbuckle. Mushi takes off sprinting from across the ring and smashes Mayhew with an avalanche splash in the corner. He grabs Doozer in one fluid motion, spins, and plants him to the canvas with the Uranage. David Fox, leaning against the ring, can see what just happened and shakes Turnbull awake. Jimmy crawls over past the carnage, and counts.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: And the winner of this match… the DAAAAAAAAANGEROUS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!
Turnbull makes his way to his knees, and Bobby Dean is still face down, planted into the canvas with presumably the boys from the Masters of The Multiverse B Team trapped underneath him.