NATE COLTON/REZIN VS. JARED SYKES/BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD
The lights fade to nothing, and then the first note hits. Deep, resonant, and with it comes a flood of white light that washes over the crowd. As the sound fades, so does the light.
I’ll never be ready to meet a memory
Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring…
A steady rhythm follows, building to something. With each note comes a pulse of white, like a heartbeat slightly out of time.
Vince Howard: Hailing from Boston, Massachusetts…
The only thing louder than the thundering guitar coming through the speakers is the explosion of the crowd.
Vince Howard: Accompanied by Justine Calvin, and weighing in tonight at two hundred and one pounds… He is one half of the PRIME World Tag Team Champions…
At least until Culture Shock, when one way or another those belts find a new home.
The guitar rips into frenetic tapping riff, and with it blue and purple lights begin pulsing over the crowd in time with the beat. Two figures appear at the entryway, and the cheering gets louder.
Vince Howard: JAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEED SYYYYYYYYKES!!!
When the dirt crushes my bones
And the worms call me their home
If I’m asked to start again
I can’t pretend I’m ready
I can’t pretend
I’ve had plenty
A few feet away from the ring, Jared springs up onto the ring apron with his left foot, and then bounds to the second rope with his right. In two steps he clears a vertical distance of six feet, because there’s a reason the man doesn’t skip leg day and it’s not just about keeping that sweet, sweet ass.
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE
LET THE GALAXY BURN
Few others in PRIME had an entrance as foreboding as that of the man marching to the ring under the heavy drumbeats of HEALTH’s “BLOODSPORT (WORLD DOMINATION)”. The Diamond. The Tower of Babel. The Father of Suplexes.
Vince Howard: His tag team partner! Introducing first… from Bandera, Texas by way of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada… he weighs in at two hundred and seventy pounds! He is THE DIAMOND! BRAAAAANDOOOOONNNNNN! YOUUUUUUUUNGBLOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
Youngblood stomps his way up the stairs and into the ring. All business. He needed to be. He gives a nod to Sykes as he moves to test the ring ropes, and when he felt like they were to his liking, he placed his back against his team’s turnbuckles and spoke to Sykes about strategy.
Let’s introduce their lovely opponents, shall we?
First up… we get the opening guitars to the Eagles’ “Tryin’”, and then the PRIME 5-Star Champion bursts through the curtains to a huge applause from the crowd. Dressed as he is in his blue satin “COLTON” jacket and blue/white gear, he’s a shimmering, beautiful apple in the eye of PRIME Wrestling.
He starts to make his way to the ring, championship belt shimmering around his waist, as Vince Howard heralds his arrival.
Vince Howard: Their opponents! First, from Evansville, Indiana… he weighs in tonight at two-hundred and fifty-five pounds! NAAAAAAATE! COOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTOOOOON!
Nate reaches the ring, climbing up the stairs quickly and entering the ring. Colton climbs up to the second turnbuckle to play to the crowd, showing off the lustrous championship belt around his waist. Behind him, one of the agents behind that championship being around his waist watches him with a mixture of pride and anticipation. Colton knows Brandon Youngblood is eager to meet him in the ring again. He gives him a slight nod before hopping off of the turnbuckles.
And then, knowing that there’s only one individual left to introduce, the fans begin booing in anticipation for the arrival of its Universal champion. He doesn’t make them wait long.
The house lights dim, and a sinister air siren accompanies black and white file footage of atomic bomb testing. As the drum and bass of “I Have A Prepared Statement” by Whores. hits, white lights pulse in the smoky entryway on the downbeat of the song. Like a heartbeat, maybe the only thing about the Universal champion that has any semblance of order.
Vince Howard: His tag team partner… from the Inverted Crossroads of America, Indianapolis, Indiana… he weighs in tonight at two hundred and five pounds…
A man appears in the smoke, arms outstretched like Jesus. In one of his hands, he’s holding the grime-encrusted burlap sack containing the Universal championship that he currently holds hostage, which gives his silhouette the appearance that one of his hands is way bigger than the other.
Vince Howard: He is the ESCAPE ARTIST… the GOAT BASTARD!
Blazing pillars of fire erupt behind the figure in time with the guitars of the song, casting his grinning, bearded face in an ominous shadow.
LET’S SEE HOW LOW I CAN GOOO!!
I’M GONNA SINK THIS SHIP DOWN! DOWN! DOWWNN!!
EVERYONE ALREADY KNOOOWS!!
STAND BACK! WATCH ME DROWN! DROWN! DROWWNN!!
Vince Howard: This is the UNIVERSAL CHAMPION…
Rezin scans the crowd at the Toyota Center before he starts making a slow march to the ring, the strobe lights making his movements seem strange and jerky.
I’VE SEEN ALL I WANNA BE NOW! I’VE LISTENED TO THE LIES!
LORD I’M READY TO TAKE MY PLACE SMEARED OUT AGAINST THE SKY!
Vince Howard: THIS! IS! REEEEEZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN LANGUAGE! UNSEEN BY PRYING EYES!
SAIL OUT INTO THE DARKNESS! I’M FINALLY ALIIIVE!!
Rezin takes a contemptuous walk around the ring, casting glares at the other three men standing in the ring. It’s only once he completes a full lap that he deigns to enter the ring. Once he does, he briefly lifts up his burlap sack and slowly reveals the Universal championship… the only championship belt in all of professional wrestling that’s less a prize and more like the victim of a kidnapping. He only shows it for a few moments before he shoves it back into the sack like he’s shoving it back down in the deep, dark basement.
LET’S SEE HOW LOW I CAN GOOO!!
I’M GONNA SINK THIS SHIP DOWN! DOWN! DOWWNN!!
EVERYONE ALREADY KNOOOWS!!
STAND BACK! WATCH ME DROWN! DROWN! DROWWNN!!
He only joins Nate Colton in their shared corner because that’s his corner, and he has the body language of a man who wants to be anywhere but here.
Richard Parker: Okay, so neither of these two teams have names, right? Imma give them some names.
Nick Stuart: Oh no.
Richard Parker: Right, so… Sykes and Youngblood? That’s Team Cry Mad. You can probably guess who represents the cry and who represents the mad, right?
Nick Stuart: Not exactly the most flattering team name, Rich.
Richard Parker: I mean, it’s me, so of course not. Anyway, I know “Hoosier Boys” is an obvious pick for Rezin and Colton, but to heck with that.
Nick Stuart: Keeping it PG-13, I see.
Richard Parker: Look, Nick, I’m allowed only one swear a year, so I’m saving it for a special occasion.
Nick Stuart: What about last week? You used a lot of salty language.
Richard Parker: …fuck.
Nick Stuart: Richard.
Richard Parker: Ah, uh… I-in any case, I think… Team Corn Meth will work for the Rezin-Colton pair. Or… maybe Colzin? Oh… oh, wait. No. I was just told in my earpiece that “Colzin” is a no-go. I don’t know why.
Nick Stuart: Please stop.
Okay, so here’s what’s up.
On one side, you had Brandon Youngblood and Jared Sykes. Two diametrically opposed individuals in personality and wrestling style, aligned in purpose to take on two top champions of PRIME Wrestling. Youngblood, the Ace of the ReVival, still sought to reestablish himself as the top dog of PRIME. Sykes, the erstwhile Black Sheep, was without his usual Eminence tag team partner for the evening.
On the other side of the ring, you had the Universal and 5-Star Champions, Rezin and Nate Colton. If you thought Youngblood and Sykes were diametrically opposed, then you hadn’t seen these two Hoosiers yet. They mixed together like oil and water. No, actually, I take that back. They mixed together like hydrogen and oxygen. Explosively. Just the way Rezin would like it.
Rezin takes one look at the opposition standing across from the ring and decides that he’s seen enough. He steps out onto the apron and lets Nate Colton take the lead on this one. It isn’t out of the goodness in his heart to let the young stallion start first. It is because Brandon Youngblood is starting on his side of the team, and Rezin has some lingering PTSD from all of the times Youngblood casually introduced him to all of the members of the extended Suplex family at Colossus. By name. Alphabetically.
With both sides having chosen their starters, referee Jimmy Turnbull calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
The fans in Houston know the relationship that Brandon Youngblood and Nate Colton share. Just a few months ago, they’d been tag team partners derailing the Love Convoy’s march to a tag team championship that only came to them in the deluded mind of Vickie Hall. The pair have many similarities in their wrestling style, which is to say that Nate Colton is quite familiar with Suplex Daddy and all of his wacky children.
A lockup. Jockeying for position. Eventually, Youngblood pushes him into the corner. This makes Turnbull start a five count to break up the collar-and-elbow.
A lifetime ago, Brandon wouldn’t have broken this up without violence on his end. This is a different life, one lived by the Diamond of PRIME and not its Pariah. So he acquiesces to the referee’s five count and gives Colton space.
Nick Stuart: Lot of respect shown here to the 5-Star Champion by Brandon Youngblood, Rich.
Richard Parker: Thanks. I hate it.
Nick Stuart: There two were tag team partners just a few months ago.
Richard Parker: Yeah, all of the respect and sportsmanship and yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I get paid to call action, Nick, not the merits of sportsmanship.
Colton is not rattled by how that exchange went for him, and when the two go into the collar-and-elbow tieup again, Colton shoots the half and trips up Youngblood, before sliding into a side headlock. Youngblood powers up, and threatens a back suplex, only for Colton to flip over his shoulder and land on his feet. A side headlock is transitioned into a takeover.
Youngblood’s shoulders are only down long enough for a one-count before he shoots his arm up, and once again fights his way up to his feet. He pushes Colton into the ropes, and Turnbull only gets to a count of two to break it up before he shoots Colton into the opposite ropes. A shoulder block ends with neither side budging. Youngblood invites Colton to try it again, so Colton runs into the perpendicular ropes and their shoulders collide again. Neither budge.
Richard Parker: It’s like two very meaty, muscly trucks touching tips.
Nick Stuart: That wasn’t “touching tips”! That was just a shoulder block!
Richard Parker: Sorry, I was thinking about my BY-Colton fan fictions again, wasn’t I?
Let’s go back to the sane part of this match.
Colton gestures to the ropes, encouraging Youngblood to give it a try. So, Youngblood plays the game. He runs the ropes, and their shoulders meet in the center of the ring. Rezin watches with casual disinterest as neither man budge when they meet. He checks his watch that he’s definitely not wearing.
There’s a pause. Youngblood invites Colton to try it one more time. This time, however, Youngblood subverts Colton’s desire to keep “touching tips”, as Richard would say. He ducks behind Colton as he comes back and snatches a waistlock. Instantly, Colton’s instincts cause him to widen his base, keeping Youngblood from doing what he wants to do. Which… look, he has a nickname that’s all about what he wants to do in wrestling matches, and we’re going to milk that son of a bitch for all that it’s worth.
Colton eventually performs a standing switch, grabbing Youngblood in a waistlock and threatening him with the possibility of being suplexed. Who dares to suplex the Suplex Daddy? Why, Nate Colton, of course! Just not right now. Youngblood repeats Colton’s counter, widening his base before a standing switch of his own. This time, rather than go for the suplex, he lets go of the waistlock and trips up Colton instead before sliding into a headlock. Unfortunately for him, Nate knows what’s coming and slips out into a hammerlock.
Youngblood gets back to his feet, then ducks behind and turns Colton’s hammerlock into one of his own. Colton works to try and figure a way to counter the hold, as Youngblood’s wider stance prevents him from using the same counter against him. So Colton grabs Youngblood by the head with his free arm, and then makes a very good leap. When he comes down from the leap, he uses the momentum to snapmare Youngblood out of the hold and create separation.
Colton comes in with another side headlock. Again, Youngblood pushes Colton into the ropes and then launches him into the ropes on the other side. This time, Youngblood catches him with a hip toss, taking Colton to the mat. However, when he presses his advantage, Colton catches him with one in kind. Colton moves in to take down Youngblood, only to get his leg swept out from under him. Youngblood goes for the pin, and Colton only makes it a one count. Youngblood gets up and tries to follow up, only for Colton to pull the rug out from under him with the exact same move. This also only gets a one count, though.
When Youngblood gets up, he gets the go-behind and tries to set up for the dreaded half-nelson suplex that’s put away countless foes already. Colton block, does a standing switch, and tries to latch on the Colton Clutch. Youngblood has it scouted, though, and shrugs Colton off like a cheap coat. Colton lands in a roll and is back on his feet.
The two pause, letting the crowd applaud loudly. Words are exchanged between the two competitors.
Nick Stuart: The 5-Star Champion and the Ace of the ReVival… evenly matched so far in this contest.
Richard Parker: Where are the eye pokes? The face rakes? I want at least two low blows! Actually, three! I need an itemized list of cheap tactics at my desk so I can properly express all of the other things these two pro wrestling type wrestlers should be doing!
Nick Stuart: No one is getting you an itemized list of cheating.
Richard Parker: Dammit!
Youngblood looks to Colton, and then to Rezin, and points at the Universal champion.
He wants Rezin.
So Colton turns to oblige him, only to find that Rezin has dropped down from the ring apron. If it isn’t for the fact that some members of security are staring at him like they’d murder him if he tries to flee the arena (and possibly the state), he might have walked right out of the match.
Fans boo as Rezin paces around his team’s corner, wanting to see their anarchist Universal champion get what’s coming to him: a trip to Suplex Parish, the ancestral site of the semimonthly Suplex Family Reunion.
Nick Stuart: What is Rezin doing?
Richard Parker: Taking a siesta, it seems.
Colton bemusedly watches Rezin, and then points to Youngblood’s corner… towards Jared Sykes. Fans cheer loudly, wanting to see these two stallions cross paths for the first time in the ring. Sure, they’d been adversaries in Survivor before, but that was hardly a standard affair. Any event that ultimately involves a Minotaur is not a standard affair.
Brandon Youngblood smirks. He points at Sykes, letting the fans’ approval be the judge he needs to before he decides to tag out. When the crowd gets to a fever pitch, Youngblood turns and makes the tag.
Nick Stuart: Here comes Jared Sykes!
Richard Parker: Fantastic. My day is made. I hope Nate Colton suplexes him so hard that he thinks he’s a fruit again.
Jared Sykes, the hero of the first night of Colossus and half of the longest-reigning champions in the new era of PRIME, enters the ring. Colton smiles as the two of them circle around before locking up. Which is a thing I would be saying if they actually locked up. Instead, Sykes ducks under Colton’s arms and grabs the waist. A jockeying for positioning leads to Colton performing a standing switch and lifting Sykes off the ground in an attempt to deliver a German suplex.
Instead, Sykes flips through the attempt, landing on his feet behind Colton.
Sykes has zero interest in doing any of the technical know-how against the eldest of the Colton siblings, considering the size difference between the two. So when Colton turns to see his work, and realizing too late that Sykes is not ruined on the ground behind him, he takes a dropkick to the face.
Nick Stuart: Dropkick by Sykes!
Despite the size differential between the two, anyone who takes a two hundred pound missile to the face is not having a good time. Nate falls to the canvas, and Sykes quickly makes a cover. This barely only gets a two before Colton gets his shoulder up.
Sykes doesn’t let up. He pulls Colton to his feet and gets his hooks in for a snap suplex. However, Colton feels it coming and blocks the attempt. He then counters, lifting Sykes up for a vertical suplex of his own, only for Sykes to slip out and land on his feet behind Colton. He pushes Colton into the ropes, only for Colton to come back and run him over with a big shoulder block. Sykes went ass-over-teakettle from the impact, and that’s a description that might go double for someone with a badonkadonk like Sykes.
Richard Parker: That is not how I want touching tips to go.
Nick Stuart: Stop it.
Colton knows that he needs to tag out. The longer this goes, the worst it will be for him. But when he turns to tag Rezin, Rezin’s not in the corner. He’s dropped off of the apron and is pacing around, seemingly unsure if he should stay or if he should go. Colton’s shouting at him to get back on the apron so he can tag in. Rezin shouts back.
Rezin: Ahhh, ya got this, Evansville!
Colton turns and takes another dropkick from Sykes.
He decidedly does not have this.
Colton recovers from the dropkick, only to get caught in a neckbreaker by Sykes. The subsequent cover only gets two, so Sykes moves to tag Brandon Youngblood back into the contest. Together, the two of them whip Colton into the ropes and catch him with a double hip toss. Colton lands hard and reaches for his corner, hoping that Rezin would realize that he might actually lose if he doesn’t help.
Rezin pretends to not notice, looking off into the crowd somewhere.
Oh, hey, that’s a cool “WHO LET GINNY BRING A GUN TO THE ARENA?” sign. Why did they let her bring a gun, anyway?
Richard Parker: You know, even I don’t think Rezin is a good tag team partner.
Nick Stuart: His team might lose if he doesn’t get in there and help!
Richard Parker: I know. But does he?
His attention is just elsewhere. Oh, hey, that fan has a beard that’s not that dissimilar from his own. He wondered if he was punk rock. Nah. He’s got a Nate Colton shirt. What a buzzkill.
Maybe Rezin should have paid better attention, though, because then he would’ve noticed that Brandon Youngblood’s attention is squarely on him. Then he might have made sure to have booked a punk rock flight to a whole other hemisphere.
Richard Parker: Turn around, Rezin!
By the time Rezin’s attention is back to seeing how much more of a beating Nate Colton’s taking from Sykes and Youngblood, it’s too late. Youngblood grabs hold of his arm. Rezin’s eyes bulge as Youngblood pastes him with a forearm smash that would’ve knocked the Universal champion right off of the apron if Youngblood didn’t keep such a firm grasp on his free hand.
Nate Colton could have taken advantage of such a distraction, maybe attack Youngblood from behind. It’s only when Youngblood steps aside and keeps Rezin’s hand outstretched that he understands.
It’s time to bring the Universal champion into the match.
So, Nate tags him in.
Nick Stuart: That might be the one tag Rezin didn’t want to make!
Richard Parker: Is it really a tag if it’s made under duress!?
Youngblood bodily pulls Rezin over the top rope by his beard until his feet catches on the top rope. Rezin is not happy about any of this, as you can tell by the noises he’s making that can somehow be heard even over the roars of the crowd.
Like that one. That’s definitely a noise he’s making.
What happens next happens quickly. Youngblood suplexes Rezin from his position, sending him halfway to the corner where Sykes is standing by. Rezin gets up like he’s drunk, and walks right back into Youngblood before he even knows what’s going on. He then meets the second of the Suplex family, the overhead belly-to-belly… truly a breadwinner in the Extended Suplex Family. Rezin lands in a tumble, holding his back, and reaches his hand out to Nate Colton wanting to get tagged out.
That doesn’t happen for two reasons.
First, Nate’s still trying to recover from the long amount of time he’d started the match, a problem of Rezin’s own making. And second, Youngblood’s already got him in a waistlock. Rezin reaches for anything to grab hold of to prevent himself from getting ragdolled again, but…
Thaaat’s a German, the most prolific of the entire Extended Suplex Family. Youngblood holds on to the waistlock and rolls over. Rezin has the bulging-eyed look of a man who’s not sure if he’s in Texas or not. He’s so unaware that when Youngblood suplexes him a second time with a second helping of eldest brother German, he’s surprised all over again.
The suplex that follows that one is a belly-to-back suplex, dumping Rezin straight onto his upper back. Youngblood gets up, only to see Sykes calling to him. Savvy fans skilled at lip-reading would learn that he’s reminding Youngblood that he missed the “gargoyle suplex”.
He pulls Rezin up to his feet and traps the arms before delivering an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Rezin lands close to his corner with Nate Colton, and he reaches desperately for a tag. For a moment, Colton and Youngblood lock eyes, and Colton has a leg through the ropes like he’s considering intervening. Then he says something to Youngblood, barely audible to nearby cameras.
Nate Colton: What about the half-hatch?
Youngblood smiles, and his suplexing heart grows three times that day.
He then promptly introduces Rezin to the Half Hatch, the uncle of the Extended Suplex Family that no one wants to talk about because that thing went to prison once. Youngblood goes for the cover, and it only gets two before Rezin shoots his shoulder up. In his desperation to get out of the ring, Rezin flops like a fish being tossed mercilessly out of the water and onto the pier… and eventually does fall out of the ring.
Nick Stuart: The Universal champion is in a lot of trouble here!
Richard Parker: What is Nate Colton doing?
Well, what he’s doing is that he hops off of the apron to go help Rezin up.
Rezin’s not exactly in a “being helped” kind of mood. He hasn’t wanted to be here this entire night, and now he’d been on the wrong end of a man who so proudly suplexes people that he’s called the “daddy” of it. As he does, though, Jared Sykes gets tagged into the match and his first act as the legal man is to hit both Rezin and Colton with a baseball slide dropkick. The momentum sends both champions into the guardrail, and Sykes is quick to grab Rezin and toss him back into the ring.
Nick Stuart: Sykes is in with Rezin, now!
Richard Parker: Great, he went from the suplex-happy lunatic to the neckbreaker-happy one.
Speaking of neckbreakers, Sykes quickly landed a swinging neckbreaker to a recovering Rezin and went straight for the cover. It only gets two, but Rezin looks as though he’s… well, more confused about his surroundings than usual, to be honest. Sykes goes up to the second rope, waiting for Rezin to get to his feet.
It’s here that he makes a mistake.
He forgets that Nate Colton exists.
Colton gets up on the apron to dissuade Sykes from executing his plan. Sykes fights him off, hitting him with a right hand that puts Colton off-balance. However, it’s enough for Rezin, Rezilient as he is, to strike. All those suplexes and other offenses he’s taken are a typical Friday for him. So he sees Sykes on the second rope, and jumps up on the second rope to meet him.
Nick Stuart: Hurricanrana by Rezin!
In the Team Cry Mad corner, Youngblood watches as Rezin takes full advantage of the opening he’s given. He runs towards the ropes, jumps up onto the second rope, and springboards back into Sykes.
Nick Stuart: SPRINGBOARD CUTTER!
Richard Parker: He got all of that one!
Indeed, Sykes lands almost vertically from the impact. Rezin flops onto the cover.
Youngblood is halfway through the ropes, but Sykes kicks out on his own.
Nick Stuart: Jared Sykes kicked out, but he’s in a lot of trouble! Rezin is not the sort of man you want to be in trouble against!
Richard Parker: No. He seems like he thinks he’s above the law. I heard he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die!
Nick Stuart: No, he didn’t.
Richard Parker: And it was messed up, too, because I don’t even know why he’d be in Reno at all. Reno kinda sucks, even by Rezin standards. Like, whoa nelly, I’m pretty sure that’s just what Mordor would be in real life.
Nick Stuart: We apologize to any viewer watching this program from Reno.
Richard Parker: Nick, don’t be mean. Nobody can watch this from Reno. They don’t know what television is out there.
Rezin sits there for a moment, wincing and holding his head, still clearly rattled from his trip to the Suplex Family Reunion. He looks to his corner, and he sees Nate Colton standing there. There’s a tense moment between the two. An uncertainty. Rezin contemptuously stomps on Sykes’ head without even looking down at him. Then he walks over to Colton. There’s a few nods between them before Colton sticks his hand out, and Rezin tags him in.
This is where we’d insert the surprised Pikachu face gif, if such a thing was allowed. It’s not, so we have to do the next best thing.
Anyway, Rezin remains in the ring, and both he and Colton pick up Sykes and whip him into the ropes. Both have the same idea and bulldoze the returning Sykes with a pair of elbows.
Nick Stuart: Rezin and Nate Colton are finally working together!
Richard Parker: The powers of Indiana are coming together, at long last! Feel the power of Bobby Knight coursing through this building, Nick!
Colton hooks in a front facelock, and after a moment’s pause, Rezin joins him on the other side. Together, they drop Sykes with a double suplex, and Colton quickly goes for the cover.
No, not yet.
Rezin leaves the ring, allowing Colton to press the advantage against Sykes. He grabs the dragon sleeper, and looks for the inverted suplex used to set up the Colton Clutch Suplex. Instead, Sykes flips over and lands on his feet in a waistlock. Unfortunately for him, Colton is able to block it. A back elbow blasts Sykes, allowing Colton to take a quick sidestep before landing a Russian legsweep.
With Sykes down again, Colton turns and tags in a much more willing Rezin.
Rezin enters the ring and the Hoosiers go for a double back suplex. However, Sykes flips over and lands on his feet behind them. He goes for the enzuigiri. Rezin ducks. Colton doesn’t.
Colton wobbles and only the ropes save him from falling out of the ring. Rezin at first looks at the dazed Colton with an expression that says “OH NO!”, and then shrugs his shoulders, the universal sign of “Anyway…” He goes to strike the recovering Sykes with the Cloven Hoof Kick…
Sykes ducks under the heel kick that might have made him six inches shorter if it connected, and when Rezin spun around to face him again, he was met with a flying neckbreaker that put him down.
Three men are down, and Youngblood is chomping at the bit to get in the ring. Suplexes had to happen. He has a quota to achieve, after all. Sykes goes to tag him, only for Colton to get the wherewithal needed to grab hold of Sykes’ boot. He just needed to hold on long enough to pull Sykes away, and…
Nick Stuart: Another ezuigiri!
Colton goes down, and Sykes leaps towards Youngblood and makes the tag!
Nick Stuart: Here comes Youngblood!
Richard Parker: And there goes Nate Colton!
Indeed, the first thing Youngblood does when he enters the ring is duck behind Nate and introduce him to the German. Don’t worry, you’re already acquainted with German. Everybody is. Nate Colton is a little more intimately familiar with it after this meeting, I assure you.
Rezin gets up and tries to kill the Youngblood.
He fails, as he is suplexed to the ground.
To his credit, it takes more than one suplex to put down a Colton. Nate Colton is back to his feet and ready to take the fight to Youngblood again. He hits him with a forearm and goes to pull him in for the Exploder suplex. Youngblood blocks and hits him with a barrage of elbows. And then he snatches up Colton and hits him with one of his own.
He goes for the cover…
…but Colton isn’t legal.
The current Universal champion of the ReVival era comes diving on top of the first one, hoping to break up a pin that wasn’t actually being counted. He batters Youngblood with rights and lefts, and then when he feels that Youngblood is stunned enough, he goes for the Inverted Cross Driver. From Indiana! However, he quickly discovers that Youngblood isn’t interested in taking this move, as he stands up from the position before Rezin has a chance to even try anything.
Rezin, sitting on Youngblood’s shoulders, has a wide-eyed look of impending doom on his face.
And, well, it doesn’t get any better for him when Nate Colton gets up and decides to take advantage of Youngblood’s position. He runs towards Youngblood.
Nick Stuart: SPEAR!
That noise Rezin made comes from the fact that while Youngblood got the shit speared out of him by Nate Colton, and Rezin ends up taking an electric chair suplex through no fault of anyone except the cold, harsh hand of the least punk rock entity there is: gravity.
Colton realizes that Rezin and Youngblood are both down, but before he has any way of doing something about that, Jared Sykes is back in the ring. Colton turns just in time for Sykes to meet him with a boot. He grasps the head, and delivers a snap suplex, before rolling through and attempting to land the sliding elbow. Colton, however, lays himself flat at the last moment, narrowly avoiding the contact. Sykes gets up, and he and Colton exchange blows.
Meanwhile, Brandon Youngblood is getting to his feet. Rezin is more like staggering to his feet, helped by the ropes. Rezin runs towards Youngblood, but Youngblood backdrops him.
Into Sykes and Colton.
Richard Parker: Rezin just became the most punk rock bowling ball to have ever existed!
Rezin gets up and sees Youngblood coming. He has only one chance to survive the incoming suplex gorilla. He uncoils like a snake, and his strike lands true.
Nick Stuart: CLOVEN HOOF KICK!
You could’ve awakened the dead with a kick like that. Youngblood still stands, but the lights have dimmed on the former Universal champion, and that lets the current Universal champion grab him by the head. It is time for Youngblood to be sent into the vo—
No. Not yet.
As Rezin makes liftoff for his Into The Void finishing move, Youngblood grabs hold of him and keeps him aloft. Before Rezin has any chance to correct anything, he’s crotched on the top rope in a precarious position. Youngblood is still dazed, though, and can’t follow up before Nate Colton comes up behind him and lands a German suplex of his own!
Nick Stuart: German suplex from Colton!
Youngblood lands hard, and Colton is barely on his feet before he’s beset by Jared Sykes. Sykes and Colton brawl into the ropes, and it’s very clear that referee Jimmy Turnbull has lost control of this one considering how long both of the illegal men have been in the match.
Eventually, though, Sykes gets tossed out through the ropes just as Rezin recovers in the corner and climbs up to the top rope, facing away from Youngblood.
He leaps for the Rezinsault.
There’s a problem.
Youngblood is trying to get out of the way.
There’s a problem with that, too.
Colton sees Youngblood trying to get away, and he puts a stop to it with a basement-level dropkick. And with that dump truck level of stoppage, Youngblood has nowhere to go.
Nick Stuart: REZINSAULT! THE COVER!
Richard Parker: I thought it was over, Nick!
Rezin can’t believe it, his hands in what’s left of the hair on his head. Nate Colton, on his knees, finds it in himself to get to his feet as Rezin pulls Youngblood up. As he does, Sykes gets back in the ring like a relentless pest. Rezin clubs him in the back of the head with a forearm smash, and then grabs hold of his arms, inviting “Evansville” to take a swing at Sykes.
So, after a moment of hesitation, he does.
But Sykes gets out of the way.
Colton’s elbow hits Rezin in the mouth, and he tumbles backwards until his back hits the ropes. He stares up at Colton wide-eyed. The gears clearly turn in the head of the Goat Bastard. Maybe you could see the steam rising from his ears. Or maybe that’s just anger.
His eyes regain focus. He grabs hold of the bottom rope and slides out underneath the bottom rope. He takes a staggered walk around the ring until he gets to the timekeeper, and he retrieves the filthy burlap sack that holds the Universal title hostage.
And then he’s out of there.
He jumps over the guardrails, and he starts walking away.
Nick Stuart: Wait, where is Rezin going!? There’s still a match going!
Richard Parker: Maybe he has an appointment somewhere.
Nick Stuart: Where!? With who!? This is a televised main event!
Richard Parker: I mean, what am I supposed to say? I don’t know what’s going on with this guy, I swear.
Rezin might get lost trying to leave this way. He doesn’t give a shit. He didn’t want to be here in the first place, so he’s leaving.
Colton realizes a lot of problems with what’s going on in this moment.
Chief among them?
Rezin’s still the legal man.
Jimmy Turnbull is making a ten count, and he’s already up to four.
Colton leaves the ring, letting Jared Sykes and Brandon Youngblood recover in the ring. Neither of them know what’s going on, either.
Five. This is five. Ignore the booing. Even if you can leave this match, you can never leave this match.
Colton reaches the guardrail, and shouts at Rezin to come back. Rezin pointedly doesn’t listen.
Rezin turns around, but only because he’s not sure where the exit actually is. Fans around him are booing more fiercely.
Nick Stuart: Rezin is going to get his team counted out here!
Richard Parker: Turnbull’s already up to…
Eight. This is now eight. Take cover when the bell rings.
Colton considers chasing after Rezin and dragging him back to the ring by the ear, but by this point, it might be too late even if Rezin himself goes back to the ring at a full Olympic sprint.
DING DING DING
Youngblood and Sykes, having recovered from the action before the moment that Rezin decided to walk out, look very confused. Rezin, who can still be seen in the crowd, simply throws his hands up as though he’s shoving all of this away as he finally finds an exit to get out of the arena.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen… the winners of this match, as a result of a countout… JARED SYKES AND BRANDOOOOOON YOOOOOOOUNGBLOOOOOOOD!!!
Outside of the ring, Nate Colton is resting his elbows at the guardrail, a look of frustration on his face.
Inside of the ring, Youngblood and Sykes have their arms raised by Jimmy Turnbull, but neither look especially happy about what just happened.
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it! Rezin looked like he was actually cooperating with Nate Colton, but then he just left the moment that there was miscommunication!
Richard Parker: I mean, he clearly wasn’t interested in even tagging in in the first place, so I think that’s just a case of be careful what you wish for.
Nick Stuart: That makes no sense!
As “BLOODSPORT” plays over the PA system, Youngblood and Sykes go to the turnbuckles to play to the crowd. Outside of the ring, Nate Colton has his hands on his hips, not even sure what just happened.
There might be hell to pay for this for Rezin.
It just wouldn’t be tonight.