NATE COLTON VS. CANCER JILES
We return to ringside, because now seems like a good time for a good, old-fashioned main event.
Nick Stuart: We’ve had a lot of big matches tonight, but this one is going to be the biggest of the evening! It’s time for our main event!
Richard Parker: Yay.
Nick Stuart: Cancer Jiles made it all the way to the finals of last year’s Almasy Invitational, and now he carries the Golden Ticket once again. If Nate Colton can defeat Jiles tonight, he’ll bank a shot at the Universal championship sometime next year! But… beating Cancer Jiles is a tall task.
Richard Parker: Even Colton needed to go low to beat that snake.
Nick Stuart: Well, that was an accident, but you’re right.
We head to Vince Howard for the announcement.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest scheduled for one fall is your MAIN EVENT of the evening, and is a first round contest in the Seymour Almasy Memorial Invitational Tournament! Introducing first…
Let’s start by doing a little “Tryin’”. By the Eagles, the official band of the Colton family. The crowd rises as Nate Colton, dressed in all blue as usual, passes through the curtains to the cheers of the crowd.
Vince Howard: Introducing first… from Evansville, Indiana! Weighing in at two-hundred and fifty-five pounds! THE NEXT DIAMOND! NAAAAAATE! COOOOOOLTOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!!!
Colton reaches the ring and, making a show of displaying his ring gear (sans the jacket), enters the ring. He moves to a corner and waits for his opponent, who will no doubt show restraint in how he arrives in the ring.
A cool breeze moves throughout the audience.
The lights slowly fade to black.
Up on the Crumbotron flashes the Golden Ticket. A few eggs go splat against it.
Nick Stuart: Another tournament. Another MAIN EVENT. At stake, another possible opportunity at the UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP. Dare I even say it, Rich, but is this the start of another possible run with the Golden Ticket for Cancer Jiles?
Richard Parker: More like impossible.
Screamin’ Jay and his electric guitar hit like a rogue wave. The PRIMEates jump to their feet to ensure their voices are heard.
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
A volley of fire and works illuminate the Enterprise Center, saving those who own the place at least a few pennies on their electric bill.
I am the COOL!
The Eggsecutioner of the eGG Bandits emerges from the back. He stays at the top of the ramp to do his little mist intimidation spot before making his way down to the ring. His T-shades blot out the sun, or in this case the egg shaped spotlight he’s walking inside of. His hair is a lathered oil slick, probably so the cheater Nate Colton can’t grab him by it during the match. Same goes for the amount of baby oil all over his body.
Nick Stuart: Last year, in the inaugural Almasy, Jiles won the Golden Ticket bounty when he defeated Nova in their second round matchup.
Richard Parker: Then what happened?
Nick Stuart: He would go on to lose in both the tournament final, and in his GOLDEN TICKET rematch against the then UNIVERSAL Champion, Brandon Youngblood.
Richard Parker: I was there when Youngblood hit Jiles with three Randalplexes to win the whole damn thing. Very JFK-like. Oddly enough, if I ever have trouble sleeping I just picture that happening and count them like I’m counting sheep. Works every time.
Instead of entering the ring, Jiles walks right past the steps and over towards the announce table. There, instead of starting an argument with Richard Parker like he normally does in these situations, he begins to jab at the newly crowned Universal Champion, Ivan Stanislav.
Nick Stuart: This seems like a good idea.
Richard Parker: It’s like a lion not caring about the fly buzzing around him.
After a few contentious barbs about staying out of his business that miss the mark, Jiles grabs the phone of a fan sitting ringside and uses it to take a selfie with Ivan. The COOLYMPIAN gives the fan back his phone, and then tells him to send the picture to the “крошка” so he doesn’t forget who’s going be the next Universal Champion.
Nick Stuart: The balls on this guy.
Not done, Jiles then reaches into his wrestling boot and removes a gold color sharpie. He takes off his shades, and on the one lens writes a G, and on the other lens writes a T. He throws the pen a mile into the audience, and drops the T-shades into Ivan’s lap.
Just in case the fan forgets.
Richard Parker: I’m speechless.
Content with his button pressing, Jiles quickly turns away from the Russian Bear and enters the ring via sliding under the bottom rope. Stanislav is apoplectic on the outside while Alexei tries to stop him from charging into the ring after Jiles. Ruslan succeeds at that, but Stanislav still needs a means to vent his frustration. With the glasses in his hand, the Bear literally shoves them in his mouth, chomps them to glassy, plastic pieces, and spits the bloody chunks on the floor. He stomps on the mess for good measure and sits down, glaring daggers at Jiles.
Richard Parker: Say Nick, do you want to switch seats with me?
Nick Stuart: No.
Jiles springs upright, and immediately starts going in on Timo Bolamba by demanding he double and triple check Colton for foreign objects.
Nick Stuart: Mind games. The bell hasn’t even rung yet either!
The Maestro of the MAIN EVENT comes under control, and finally finds the time to address his opponent. It’s not much. Mostly Jiles daring Nate to cheat against him again, and reminding him that his family is watching. Oh, and that he’s not taking his GOLDEN TICKET from him.
Cancer Jiles has a strut in his step that he hasn’t had in an age as he circles Nate Colton. You can see the barest hint of a smile, though that smile had a shark-like quality to it. Finally, he is here. The main event. Where he’d always belonged. He’s home.
Nate Colton is here to make sure he’s evicted from that home once and for all, though, and he goes for the collar-and-elbow tieup.
And like déjà vu, Jiles quickly ducks behind Colton and trips him up. With a smile, the COOLympian executes a crisp double leg trip and then proceeds to strut all over Nate Colton, walking over him with the casual scorn that only a man with that much spite can do.
Colton immediately grabs Jiles’ ankle.
Instantly, Jiles’ entire demeanor changes as Colton wraps his ankle up in an ankle lock.
Nick Stuart: Ankle lock! This might be over early!
Richard Parker: Please!
Jiles flails like his life depends on it, because it does. Assuming that his golden ticket is his life, which it might well be. In his flailing, he makes it to the ropes and Colton is forced to break. Jiles clings to the ropes like they’re his happy place and they can’t hurt him, and Colton has to rip him from his comfort zone and stand him up on his feet. Jiles goes right to the eyes to get him to back off, which gets a warning from referee Timo Bolamba (who’s smartly wearing his goggles for this match, specifically).
Jiles steps back into the ring, but Colton recovers to catch Jiles with a drop toe hold. A waistlock leads to Colton manhandling King Crumb to his feet, and right down on his face with a waistlock takeover. Colton floats over into the front facelock, keeping control over the former Universal champion.
Nick Stuart: This is not where Jiles wants to be, Colton’s going to have the advantage if this match ends up on the ground.
Richard Parker: I hope Nate Colton puts him in a camel clutch and rips him in half. That’s another anime reference for you, Nick.
Nick Stuart: What is wrong with you?
Richard Parker: Blame Ramenman.
Jiles fights his way to his feet and pushes Colton into the ropes. Timo demands a rope break, so Colton acquiesces to it. Jiles has other plans, slipping out from between Colton’s legs the moment he’s released and to the outside. From there, he grabs Colton’s ankles and yanks him off of his feet, then yanks him all the way out to the floor. As a result, Colton lands face-first on the padded concrete.
When it comes to professional wrestling, Cancer Jiles isn’t a technician. He isn’t some wrestling savant. He’s not going to out-wrestle you. We’re not even sure he trains for this stuff. What he is better at than everyone else in PRIME is being an opportunist. He’s there to kick you while you’re down. He’s there to rub salt in your wounds. Using his shoes, if possible.
So that’s what he does. He kicks Nate Colton while he’s down on the floor. He kicks him in the head and the shoulders, and if Timo hadn’t been watching, he’d have kicked him right in the weewee. That’s how you know it’s serious, we’re using the big boy words. Anyway, Jiles eventually picks Colton up by the head and then sends him right into the steel steps.
Colton hits the steps and goes down, and Jiles rolls into the ring to break the count. He’s already back outside the moment Timo acknowledges that he has to restart the ten count.
Nick Stuart: Since the loss to Colton, Cancer Jiles has been on a tear heading into the Almasy. And he’s fighting like a man who’s got a point to prove against the Next Diamond.
Richard Parker: I hate it.
Jiles grabs Colton and throws him back into the ring, then he takes his time arrogantly rolling into the ring himself. He proceeds to contemptuously stomp on Colton’s hands, drawing boos from the crowd.
Jiles pulls Colton to his feet and pushes him into the corner. A knife-edged chop lands with a loud…
…and Jiles lights him up with a second one.
Judging from the expression on Nate Colton’s face, these are having little effect. After the third chop…
…Colton steps out of the corner and gets in Jiles’ face, daring him to hit him harder. Jiles puts his hands on his hips, incensed by the challenge. So he rears back and prepares a fourth chop… and then stops and thumbs Colton in the eyes again.
This stuns Colton and allows Jiles to ram Colton’s head into the top turnbuckles, before throwing Colton backwards towards the ring. Timo goes to check up on him, allowing Jiles to immediately turn around and start undoing the top turnbuckle pad.
Nick Stuart: Jiles is… well, he’s Jilesing it up right now.
Richard Parker: This guy needs to take his goggles off and see what’s going on!
Nick Stuart: I can’t say I blame Timo for wearing them. There’s no one in PRIME who’s experienced getting yolked more than he has.
Richard Parker: That sounds way dirtier than it should.
Once the turnbuckle is exposed and Jiles throws the turnbuckle pad into the crowd, Jiles goes to collect Colton. His intention to ram the Next Diamond into the exposed turnbuckle is obvious to everyone.
Unfortunately, it’s also obvious to Timo.
Timo goes out of his way to stand in front of Jiles’ path, and sit on the top turnbuckle to prevent the use of the exposed turnbuckle. Jiles, irritated by this turn of events, punches Colton near the goddamn throat and then argues with Timo. Judging from what words could be heard of the argument, Jiles might be more impressed that Timo could sit on the turnbuckles so quickly than he is pissed that he can’t use the exposed turnbuckle. Timo, meanwhile, is admonishing Jiles for his placement of that last punch and… well… everything Jiles does, really.
Nick Stuart: Jiles, as usual, risking disqualification.
Richard Parker: The man in yolk cheats, and the wrestler follows.
When Jiles goes back to Colton to try and do something that might qualify as professional wrestling, Colton suddenly powers up and grabs Jiles, lifting him into the air. The expression on the COOLympian’s face is one of abject (yet cool) terror right before Colton nails him with an Exploder suplex!
Jiles flails and flops upon landing, and falls out to the floor. Colton rolls out after him, and when Jiles turns to meet him again, he gets the lovely experience of being Exploded again on the floor.
Nick Stuart: EXPLODER ON THE FLOOR!
Richard Parker: Oh, now this is getting good!
Jiles lands, and is caught between trying to stand up quickly and being in agony before his body gives up and he flops on the ground again. Ivan Stanislav, seated at ringside and with Jiles near his feet, can only laugh in that recognizable way he does at the plight of the COOLympian.
Ivan Stanislav: DYAAHAAHAA!
Like that. Colton ignores Ivan, and instead absorbs the cheers of the crowd as he pulls Jiles to his feet and throws him back into the ring.
Colton quickly covers Jiles back inside the ring, but it only gets two. So, Colton grabs Jiles in the middle of his kickout and attempts to lock in the vaunted Colton Clutch made famous by his father and the rest of his family. Jiles, however, slips out like the snake that he is, and catches Colton with a back elbow. A second back elbow stuns Colton enough to let go of the hold, and allows Jiles to turn and meet Colton with a closed fist to the jaw that staggers him.
Jiles then runs into the ropes behind him to build up momentum for, I don’t know, probably an eye poke or something. Instead, Colton suddenly explodes forth with a running forearm that knocks Jiles through the ropes and out onto the apron. Jiles is on Dream Street, heading perilously close to the corner of Unconscious Lane, when Colton grabs him and suplexes him back into the ring.
A floatover into another pin also gets two.
Nick Stuart: Nate Colton’s taken control of this match, and Cancer Jiles is in a lot of trouble here!
Richard Parker: Good.
After Jiles shoots his arm up to break up the pin, Colton pulls Jiles to his feet and goes for another suplex. Jiles tries to block it with elbows, but Colton is too powerful and he gets flung halfway across the ring with a belly-to-belly suplex! Jiles gets up on spaghetti legs, and walks right into Colton who delivers a second one. When Jiles somehow gets to his feet, Colton grabs him in the belly-to-belly, but makes a point to turn around and throw Jiles into the turnbuckles!
Richard Parker: Jiles is getting beaten from pillar to post to the post office to Iram of the Pillars out here!
Nick Stuart: Jiles is definitely lucky that Colton didn’t throw him into the exposed turnbuckles.
Colton yanks Jiles’ freshly suplexed corpse from the turnbuckles and makes a cover.
Colton looks up at Timo, not arguing with the count, but just to make sure that it was indeed two. He pulls Jiles to his feet, but Jiles suddenly sneaks behind Colton for the rollup, grabbing the tights for good measure.
It only gets two, but it allows Jiles to catch Colton with yet another eye poke the moment the two were on their feet again, and that makes Timo very mad.
Richard Parker: I wish referees here would just disqualify Jiles as soon as the bell rings, because they all have to know that that dude isn’t on the up-and-up.
Nick Stuart: That’s a very slippery slope.
Richard Parker: A small price to pay to make Jiles sad!
Jiles pleads innocence, claiming that his hand slipped. You know what? That could happen. We’ll allow it. (We’re not Timo, though.) Anyway, with control back on his side, Jiles lands his trademark DDT and goes right into the cover.
Much like Colton earlier, when Jiles looks up at Timo, he’s questioning the count. Unlike Colton, he’s very displeased at the cadence of Timo’s counts and demands a faster count. Timo denies him this request, because he’s not about to let Cancer Jiles tell him how to do his job.
Jiles backs Colton into the ropes and tries to whip him to the other side. Colton, the bigger of the two men, is able to reverse it and bounce Jiles back. Jiles ducks the clothesline, and when Colton turns to meet Jiles, he sees him rearing back with the Terminal Cancer. Colton throws up his arms up to block the big kick, but it’s a feint. Jiles instead aims a kick right at Colton’s shins that takes his legs out from under him.
Nick Stuart: Jiles going to the shins with that kick, and…
Richard Parker: Uh oh.
Jiles attempts to finish things immediately with a Terminal Cancer to the kneeling Colton. Instead, Colton catches Jiles’ boot and reels him in with another suplex that bounces the COOLympian off of the canvas like a basketball. A basketball with immaculate hair. Nate Colton is fired up. He’s ready to put this crumb into the earth and seal this win. He pulls Jiles up in an inverted facelock and goes for the inverted suplex.
Jiles slips out the back door and grabs a waistlock. He’s thinking of a German suplex, but Nate Colton is too big and too powerful, and breaks from the waistlock and performs a go-behind. Now it’s Jiles having to fight off the German suplex, a tall order considering that suplexes have been his diet for most of this match. He wraps his leg around Colton’s leg to block the attempt, and catches him with a back elbow. Colton doesn’t let go, so Jiles does a second one.
He rears back for a third one, but Colton ducks under it and the momentum causes Jiles the turn around completely in the waistlock… and let Colton suplex him again.
Nick Stuart: Northern Lights Suplex from Colton!
Colton’s not done. He flips over, dragging Jiles up to his feet with him. He tries to land another Northern Lights, but we’re just not far enough north for that aurora borealis shit, and Jiles blocks it with another elbow. All this does is make Colton scoop Jiles up onto his shoulder, looking for the shoulder breaker. Jiles, however, slips out the back door and once again grabs the waistlock. The uncharacteristic show of raw power from the COOLympian nearly gets Colton up and over, but Colton spreads and kicks his feet out in midair and causes Jiles to have to set Colton back down. Colton breaks the waistlock once again with a judo throw, sending Jiles sprawling onto the mat and scrambling to get back onto his feet.
Nick Stuart: Long exchange here, hard to say who’s going to get the edge here…
Richard Parker: Please don’t let it be Jiles, please don’t let it be Jiles…
Colton ducks a clothesline from Jiles, and grabs him for a back suplex. Jiles, however, flips out of it and stumbles backwards. When Colton turns to grab Jiles again, Jiles uncoils his infamous strike.
The expression on Jiles’ face is one of shock as he bounces up and down on one leg. Colton spins him around, and…
Nick Stuart: COLTON CLUTCH!
Cancer Jiles is in big trouble. This move is what heralded his end against Nate Colton the last time they met. Granted, there’d been shenanigans. Guess what? There’s about to be shenanigans here, too.
In his desperate attempts to not take the “suplex” part of the Colton Clutch Suplex, Jiles’ flailing arms manage to grab hold of referee Timo Bolamba’s shirt. Here, Cancer Jiles does the only option he has available to him.
Richard Parker: OH, COME ON!
Pulling Timo close gives Jiles enough of a blind spot for his trick knee to act up and punt Nate Colton right in the wingwongs.
Jiles is not done cheating. He grabs Colton and whips him directly into the exposed turnbuckles. Colton recoils in pain upon impact, and it leaves him vulnerable to…
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!
The superkick lands clean in Colton’s face and he drops like a collapsing tree. Immediately after the impact, Jiles falls on top of Colton, and despite visible irritation at what just transpired, Timo has little choice but to drop down and make the count.
DING DING DING
Jiles rolls off of Colton and raises his arms in the air in triumph. He’s battered from tonight’s action after getting suplexed to fuck, but… he’s won. He’s moving on in the Seymour Almasy Memorial Tournament, and the shock and despair heard in the crowd is reminiscent of the day Jiles took down Nova in last year’s Almasy.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen… the winner of this match… CAAAAAANCERRRRR! JIIIIIIIIIIILES!
Richard Parker: God. Damn. It.
Nick Stuart: By hook and by crook, Cancer Jiles just defeated Nate Colton, and that’s a huge bracket buster! Could we be seeing a repeat of last year’s Almasy unfolding before our eyes?
Richard Parker: I. Hope. Not.
Nick Stuart: Be that as it may, I’m Nick Stuart and this is Richard Parker… so long, everyone!
Cancer Jiles celebrates in the ring, absorbing the jeers of the crowd as though they didn’t matter to him. Because they’re all crumbs.
The scene fades on the amused face of Ivan Stanislav, giddy at the prospect that one of his more dangerous potential contenders has already fallen in the tournament. His recognizable, iconic laughter is the last sound heard before we…