NED REFORM vs. ABE LIPSCHITZ
Nick Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen and we have a fantastic matchup coming up. A story of two ne’er do wells, or rather one that tries to do well but with the aid of his black metal friends finds himself in some unique situations.
Richard Parker: And one who does everything well. Don’t lie to the people. This is a story of a ne’er do well, and a great man trying to save us from ourselves.
Nick Stuart: Sure. Anyhow, let’s send it to the ring for the introductions.
DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DO DO DOO DO DOO
DEH DEO DOO DOOOOOOO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO DOOO DO DO DO
Nick Stuart: Well, I guess Abe got his wish!
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL… Introducing first, from Virginia Beach, Virginia… weighing in at 210 pounds… ABE! LIPSCHITZ!!!
*dong dong ding dong*
DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DO DO DOO DO DOO
DEH DEO DOO DOOOOOOO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO DOOO DO DO DO
Instead of the pulse-pounding black metal that we’re used to hearing with the entrance of Lipschitz and his Black Metal Friends, it’s a much more upbeat tune. Those with any sense of taste recognize it immediately.
Richard Parker: What is this crap?
(in case anyone is wondering what, indeed, this crap is)
Shanice – I Love Your Smile (1991) HQ
Told you. Fuck you, Dick Park. It’s the catchiest pop song of all time, the 1991 smash hit “I Love Your Smile” by Shanice Wilson. Maybe the only woman that Abe would leave Lindsay Troy for when they eventually get married. Abe is ecstatic to have the new song pumping through the PA, noticeable by the extra pep in his step. Or, it could be the fact that he just unknowingly had caffeine. He is zig-zagging back and forth the aisles to get his daps from the fans and beating on his chest like a gorilla. A man truly possessed.
Not so thrilled is Misereé. And by not so thrilled I mean she hates life. SELMA’s just fine though, for as grim and terrifying as she looks, we catch her doing the finger wag dance to the song. They follow behind Abe, sometimes having to dodge him from nearly running them over to get to the next side.
But what’s most surprising? Abe isn’t wearing a shirt. Rendering his hashtags useless from earlier!
CUZ I LOVE YOUR SMILE
DOOOO DOOOO DOOOO DO DO DOO DO DOO
DEH DEO DOO DOOOOOOO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO DOOO DO DO DO
Once Abe reaches the ring, he gets in and immediately darts for the opposite ropes, bouncing off of them to get back to the other side and do 619s. Yes, with an “s,” because he keeps spinning around like a fucking hyperactive moron.
Nick Stuart: There must have been rocket fuel in that soda.
Richard Parker: I wish it would have been actual rocket fuel. So we wouldn’t have to see him tonight. Because he’d be dead.
The very familiar opening chords of Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” echo throughout the arena as the lights take on a purple hue and the fans begin to jeer in earnest.
Richard Parker: Finally, some class.
The piano transitions into a rock version of the classic – a modern rock version by Cole Rolland – as the man himself, Ned Reform, appears through the curtain. He’s dressed for action: purple and white singlet, white boots, and arrogant smirk. One hand is tucked behind his back as he scans the people, completely no-selling the rude gestures and boos.
Nick Stuart: I noticed TA Cole is not with him tonight, I wonder what that is about?
Richard Parker: I bet it is so when he defeats this moron a second time there will be absolutely no questions of legitimacy.
Reform begins to walk to the ring, waving and smiling to his “adoring” fans.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Litchfield, Connecticut, and weighing in at 226 lbs… NEEEED REFORM!
He hops onto the ring apron, gives his feet a good wipe or two, and then steps through the ropes and into the ring. He makes his way to the turnbuckle, bracing his hands on the top rope and leaning back to test its integrity. While he’s doing this, he catches sight of the hard cam and gives it a little wink before the music fades out.
Nick Stuart: All right folks, here we go!
DING DING!
Abe is ready to GO for this match, dashing at Ned, who has barely had time to soak in the adulation of the 4 people in the audience that are here to see him. Abe springs into a drop kick and sends the Sage stumbling into the corner. Fueled by caffeine and high fructose corn syrup, Abe keeps on the attack, swarming on Ned with repeated punches in bunches.
Nick Stuart: Abe going on the offense early which is a smart move. He doesn’t seem to realize that there is a strategy though as some of the shots are wildly missing the mark.
Richard Parker: That’s why I always say that if you’re going to have a soda, stick to zero.
Reform covers up and weathers the storm, then looks for an opening and reverses Abe into the corner. Ned’s shoulder strikes him and knocks at least some of the wind out of his sails, then repeats the process. Lipschitz groans, but his healing factor is Wolverine-like with the power of a sugary drink in him, and when Ned rears back once again, Abe leaps in the air and straddles the ropes, causing Reform to miss and shoulder tackle the ring post.
Whip quick, Abe leaps over the top of Ned with a Sunset Flip pin!
Jimmy Turnbull slides into place.
ONE!
Ned kicks out, but that doesn’t stop Abe from staying on his hot streak as he kips up and pulls Reform to his feet. He whips Ned into the ropes and as the Sage bounces off, Abe catches him with a quick knee to the midsection with sends Ned flipping forward onto his back.
Nick Stuart: Great action so far in this one. It looks like Ned just wasn’t prepared for the literal high energy offense of Abe!
Richard Parker: I promise you, Ned has a plan! He is just letting that Sanka drinking intellectual inferior tire himself out and as soon as the sugar rush is over, he will spring into action.
In the ring, it doesn’t look like Ned has a plan. He groans and narrowly avoids a stomp to his midsection by rolling out of harm’s way. Abe follows Ned around the ring, Abe stomping and Ned rolling. They do a full three rotations around the ring before Ned finally rolls outside of the ring to get his bearings.
As Abe reaches over the ropes to pull Reform back into the ring the Sage pokes him in the eye! Lipschitz stumbles backward and Ned Reform holds his hands up as though he has done nothing wrong while Jimmy Turnbull, who saw the reaction but not the poke, admonishes the Good Doctor.
Nick Stuart: A dirty shot by Reform. It was really only a matter of time with these two. Dr. Reform doesn’t want to let Abe get one back on him after their last meeting at ReVival 25.
Richard Parker: Some say dirty, others say tactical.
Ned slips into the ring and tactically locks Abe into a waistlock, then lifts him high in the air and drops the youngster with a German Suplex. Abe tumbles and The Sage is on him immediately, lifting Abe with an arm ringer that he contorts into a hammerlock. Abe dances on his toes and grimaces.
Nick Stuart: Wise move slowing the pace down a little bit.
Richard Parker: Wisdom is his specialty.
Ned turns and locks Abe into the start of an Arm Breaker, but is unable to cage the squirrely youngster into position for the drop. Lipschitz fights free and spins around Reform with a go behind and spins once more into hooking Ned’s arms. He lifts him high in the air and over with a picture perfect Butterfly Suplex.
Ned crashes to the mat and grabs his back. Abe wastes little time in going for another cover and Jimmy Turnbull slides into position once again.
ONE!
TWO!
Kick out by Ned!
Nick Stuart: That’s twice now! It seems like Abe is after that return victory to prove Ned’s first win was a fluke.
Richard Parker: Fluke? That match was over before it began! Abe should be grateful he didn’t enroll him in any more lessons that night.
Abe is back to his feet first and begins to soften up the doctor with well placed shots to the midsection and thighs. The older wrestler stumbles and huffs as he takes a shot to the solar plexus and drops to a knee.
Nick Stuart: Abe is trying to take the gas out of his opponent, a wise strategy.
Richard Parker: But when is he going to run out of energy from that soda!?
Abe rushes off the ropes and tries for a cross body block, but Ned intellectually dives out of the way and watches as his opponent tumbles to the mat. Quick as a cat, Ned is on top of Abe, going back to work on the arm. He leaps in the air and stomps on Abe’s hand, and as the young man recoils, lays boots into his elbow and shoulder area.
Again, Ned slows the pace by kneeling and putting Abe’s arm in a seated hammerlock. The youngster has nowhere to go in the middle of the ring, and all the sugar water in the world can’t prevent this from sapping his strength.
Nick Stuart: Love him or hate him, you have to admire his commitment to attacking Abe’s softened up arm.
Richard Parker: That’s because he is a real doctor that does important work in the field of research.
The crowd starts to stir and get behind Abe as he shakes his fist and the power of Yellow Dye 5 runs wild through his veins. He gets to his knees and with his good arm, elbows Ned in the midsection once again. An errant elbow to the thigh and Ned grimaces after letting go. Abe pops to his feet and pumps his fist before heading to the ropes at full speed.
Ned also seems energized and drops to the mat as Abe sprints back. Lipschitz leaps over the doctor and bounces off the ropes. As he does, Ned pops up and hops in the air for the classic leapfrog, but as Abe runs under him and he comes down, something clearly isn’t right.
Richard Parker: Oh doctor, my doctor. His leg is compromised!
Nick Stuart: Funny, I didn’t see anything happen, but he is clearly favoring his inner thigh and midsection.
Abe wastes no time in capitalizing on the hobbled Ned and locks the doctor in an Abdominal Stretch. Ned groans in agony, far more than anyone should when locked into such a basic submission move. The Babe contorts and puts the screws to the doctor, really twisting for all he is worth.
Jimmy Turnbull is close on hand asking Ned if he wants to submit, but the Doc gamely shakes his head no. The Babe shakes Ned, trying to sap all the strength from him that he can, clearly noting that there is an injury to Ned’s core.
Nick Stuart: There is a commotion happening on the ramp… it’s T.A. Cole! Why is he here now?
T.A. Cole sprints to the ring and begins to implore Ned to surrender, but the doctor will not. Finally T.A. Cole motions toward his groin and starts telling the fans, the ring crew, and anyone who will listen that Ned Reform has clearly pulled his groin and should not be allowed to continue.
Back in the ring, all the commotion has Jimmy Turnbull keeping an eye on Ned and one on T.A. Cole. As Ned wanes, Abe sees an opportunity and turns Ned into the setup for Hot Cross Stuns, then lifts Reform and drops him with a Quackendriver II.
Nick Stuart: Surely that has to be it!
Richard Parker: Not like this!
Abe rolls Ned Reform over and goes for a pin. He hooks the leg and Jimmy Turnbull slides into position for the count.
ONE!
.
TWO!
.
.
THREE!
DING DING DING!
Vince Howard: and your winner…AAAAAAAABE LIIIIIIIPSCHIIIIIIITZ!!!
Abe leaps off the pin and bounds into the air, jubilantly celebrating his win over Ned.
Nick Stuart: Abe gets one back on Ned and looks to be thrilled! Maybe that theme music had an effect.
T.A. Cole slides into the ring and inspects Ned Reform before turning to Jimmy Turnbull and screaming at him.
T.A. Cole: Can’t you see this man has an injured groin?
Jimmy is unsure what to do and leans down to Ned Reform who says something that the microphones do not pick up. After a tense moment, he turns and throws up an X, except it’s more like a DX Crotch Chop, and the EMT’s storm the ring.
Nick Stuart: Oh for crying out loud.
Richard Parker: The man is a wounded hero! He sacrificed his groin for our entertainment, Nick!
T.A. Cole paces with worry and motions toward Ned’s groin to Vince Howard, who looks lost in the moment.
The EMT’s are discussing what to do, and finally one of them makes the call to put Ned on the spinal board. As they are gingerly rolling Ned, he waves his hand and there is a disappointed bustle among the EMT’s as he stands up and waves off the medical help.
For a moment, it’s clear Ned expects a hero’s response and applause for bravely walking off an injury. But nobody, not a single soul, claps.
Finally T.A. Cole yells at the fans.
T.A. Cole: This man just wrestled with a broken freakin’ groin for you people!
Mercifully, Ned and Cole gingerly make their way out of the ring and to the back, where no doubt there are ice packs and a maximum dosage of ibuprofen waiting.
Nick Stuart: Well, that sure wasn’t how I pictured that ending, but a big win for Abe Lipschitz…
Richard Parker: And a humiliating debilitating injury for Ned Reform.
Nick Stuart: And with that, let’s take a commercial break!