NUMBER ONE CONTENDERSHIP FOR THE TAG TITLES:

NOVA AND GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY vs. WINDS OF CHANGE

Nick Stuart: Fans, we are moments away from determining the first team to get a shot at the PRIME tag team championships, which will be awarded in tonight’s main event. Will it be a team composed of two legends in Garbage Bag Johnny and Nova, or the upstart Winds of Change?

Richard Parker: I guess that depends on whether or not Sid Phillips has learned a second wrestling move or not.

The arena lights go dark, as the sound of folk guitars fill the MGM Grand.

Nick Stuart: Well this is different. Not at all what I was expecting.

It goes on like this for a while. Approximately 42 seconds, in fact, before the distortion kicks in and we get our first real taste of Blind Guardian’s “Time What Is Time.” The 2007 remaster, in case you were curious.

Vince Howard: Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 475 pounds… GARBAGE BAG JOHNNY AND NOVA!

A giant cylindrical object appears at the entryway, with two figures standing atop it, surfing it as though it were a hoverboard. My friends, this is no hover board. It’s a joint. Eight feet in length, two feet in diameter, and being “Teen Wolf’ed” by Garbage Bag Johnny and Nova.

This is probably the part where I get fired.

Richard Parker: Somehow this is exactly what I was expecting.

The power metal ramps into high gear, accompanied by some GBJ air guitar. He’s quite the virtuoso in this area, in case you weren’t aware. Michael Angelo Batio ain’t got shit on him.

Nick Stuart: This is… Fans, I… uhh… I’m not entirely sure how to explain what I’m seeing here.

After a moment, the duo arrive at the ring, whereupon they disembark their herbal transport and do the next logical thing: begin smoking it.

I take it back. THIS is the point where I get fired.

Nick Stuart: Can we even show this on television?!

The benefits of being on a streaming service, Nicky-boy. Less restrictions!

For the next few minutes – because this song runs 5:44 – the two trade places until the entire joint is nothing but ash on the ringside area. And thanks to the smoke, there’s a decent chance that everyone on this side of the arena would fail a drug test for the foreseeable future.

Or just pretend the thing is made out of newspaper over a wire frame with a bunch of smoke machines crammed inside it. It’s not, but you do you.

The duo slide into the ring and wait.

Vince Howard: And their opponents…

Once more, the arena goes dark, and the PRIMEview flickers to life with an image of the earth, but not as it is now. It’s accompanied by one phrase, appearing for a second and then fading.

65 Million years ago…

A tyrannosaurus lumbers into view, crashing through the trees before rearing back with its head and roaring to the heavens. The roar is suddenly stifled as the image of the dinosaur rotates and inverts. We pull back, to see the familiar silhouette of Sid Phillips with the T-rex in a waistlock. You know what happens next.

Richard Parker: Oh, for the love of…

We zoom back farther, until we’re looking at the earth from orbit. The force of the powerbomb creates a shockwave that spreads out from the epicenter until it engulfs the planet, ending the Cretaceous Period and the reign of the dinosaurs.

It also triggers the first notes of Ennio Morricone’s “The Ecstasy of Gold” (specifically, the Bandini remix).

Vince Howard: Accompanied by Baron Von Blackberry, and weighing in tonight at a total combined weight of 179 pounds and 2.6 powerbombs…

Nick Stuart: I wonder what that converts to in metric.

Richard Parker: You think there are metric powerbombs?!

The scene on the PRIMEview changes. We’re in ancient Rome, and a group of senators is advancing on Julius Caesar at the Curia of Pompey. They’re bowled over by a toga-clad Sid Phillips, who grabs the dictator and powerbombs him before the entire Roman conspiracy.

Vince Howard: The team of Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips… The WINDS! OF! CHANGE!

Smash cut to the inside of Ford’s Theater. The year is 1865. As he watches Our American Cousin from a private box, President Abraham Lincoln is completely oblivious to the presence of John Wilkes Booth. You know who’s not? Sid motherfucking Phillips. He bursts into the room, grabs the would-be assassin around the wait, and powerbombs him over the railing before flashing a thumbs-up to the Great Emancipator.

Richard Parker: Whoever decided that this video package was a good idea? That guy needs therapy.

Hi.

The trio make their way to the ring, but let’s go back to the PRIMEview.

Where are we now? Ancient Egypt. How far back are we? Oh, you’ll see. In the midst of the desert, Sid Phillips runs with a pharaoh on his shoulders, before diving towards the ground and delivering a powerbomb so hard that the ground gives birth to the pyramids.

Yes, it’s true, the pyramids are just tiny, misshapen earth boners. The planet has a kink, and that kink is powerbombs.

Nick Stuart: Both teams are in the ring…

Richard Parker: Thank god.

Nick Stuart: …and we’re all set to kick this one off!

DING DING

Starting the match off for their respective teams, Joe Fontaine and Nova begin the feeling-out process, which isn’t nearly as hot as it sounds.

Nick Stuart: This is a big hurdle for Phillips and Fontaine to overcome. In only their second match here in PRIME, they stand across the ring from a hall-of-famer and two-time Universal Champion in Nova, and Dual Halo winner in Garbage Bag Johnny.

Richard Parker: Do you think he’ll ever get to cash in that golden ticket?

Despite not being able to hear any of this, Johnny involuntarily twitches.

Nova presses an early advantage, taking down Fontaine with a pair of quick armdrags. On the second one he maintains a grip on Fontaine’s wrist, pulls the younger man to his feet and in close for a T-bone suplex. His man-bun remains unharmed.

Determined to try and assert himself, the man called Tempest charges in, but the ring savvy of Nova means the Risen Star sees it coming a mile away, and a knee to Fontaine’s midsection sends him tumbling back to the mat.

Nick Stuart: That experience of Nova really coming into play early here, Richard.

To maintain their advantage, Nova muscles Fontaine over towards GBJ for the tag.

Richard Parker: And now the… something… of Garbage Bag Johnny has… You know what, I don’t know where I was going with this.

Johnny enters the ring and connects with a few shots. He staggers Fontaine, who wobbles right into the same arms that have loved and caressed Muriel Puddings ever so tenderly. There is no love there for Joe. Only suplexes. And then an inverted atomic drop. Sorry about your dick, Joe.

Nick Stuart: Fontaine is down again, and it looks like Johnny could be going for a submission of some sorts here.

Johnny grabs both of Fontaine’s legs and lifts them off the mat, then steps through as if looking for a Sharpshooter. He pauses, picks up his foot, and sets it on the other side of Fontaine’s body. Clearly befuddled, Johnny shakes his head, scratches his beard, and then steps back to release the hold.

Richard Parker: What the hell is he doing?

Johnny stares off into space for a moment, tracing mathematical equations in the air with his finger. A few seconds later he snaps his fingers, clearly having experienced his “Eureka!” moment and picks up Joe’s legs again, only because the time Joe’s had to recover the attempt is counter.

Nick Stuart: Roll-up by Fontaine!

ONE!

TWO!

Nick Stuart: Garbage Bag Johnny kicks out at two!

All 2.6 powerbombs of Sid Phillips lean over the ropes, desperate to tag himself into the match and run wild with the only move he knows. His partner, now stumbling to his feet, moves for the corner but is caught by Garbage Bag Johnny. A rear waistlock follows, and for a moment it looks as though Joe’s man-bun is about to take another bump, but a back elbow breaks the hold, and then a pele kick sends Johnny to the mat.

Nick Stuart: Fontaine back on his feet. He needs to make a tag and get out of that ring.

Outside the ring, Baron Von Blackberry yells something to Joe that sounds like it ends with the word “Freshmaker,” and Fontaine gets a bit of pep in his step.

Richard Parker: I don’t think Johnny’s going to let him.

Fontaine lunges for his corner, making a much-needed tag. Johnny dives for Joe, and instead finds himself at the feet of Mr. Powerbomb, Esq. (no, we don’t know where he went to law school either).

Unfortunately, being prostrate on the mat such as he is leaves Johnny in a perfect position for some down-home, old-fashioned, fresh-baked powerbombin’.

Nick Stuart: Fans, we knew it was coming – it was only a matter of time – but Sid Phillips is in the match, and has just delivered his first powerbomb of the night!

It’s followed by a second, and then a third, each one with enough of an angle to cause Johnny to roll through. The laws of tag team wrestling, and believe me there are laws – just ask Sid Phillips, who apparently is licensed to practice powerbomb law, say that every hot tag must feature the intervention of the opposing team’s illegal partner. And because we are not one to challenge the laws of wrestling, lest we end up in powerbomb court, that’s what happens.

Nova charges in, but is popped right up by the Riot, and… look, he only knows ONE MOVE. The force of the powerbomb sends Nova rolling back out of the ring, but the change in focus has given Johnny time to get back to his feet. He leaps from the second rope onto Phillips, grabbing him in a headlock and twisting his body as he tries to take the big man down with a tornado DDT, but Powerbomb Siddy puts on the brakes, hoists Johnny into the air, and… yeah.

Nick Stuart: Another powerbomb by Sid Phillips!

Richard Parker: For the love of god, kid, learn a lariat or something.

The Internet: No.

The Powerbomb Wizard makes the cover and hooks a leg, trying to end this match.

ONE!

TWO!

But despite all the powerbombs, Garbage Bag Johnny still kicks out. Phillips draws him up, getting ready for another one of THOSE MOVES THAT HE DOES, but punch straight to the groin puts a stop to that.

Nick Stuart: Low blow by Garbage Bag Johnny, and I don’t think referee Barlow saw it happen.

Richard Parker: Well she’s clearly aware of it now, what with Phillips holding his junk and all.

The referee tries to make sense of this all, which gives Johnny enough time to crawl back to his corner and tag in Nova.

Nick Stuart: Nova looking for some aerial offense. Off the top rope with a springboard crossbody, and… Sid Phillips caught him!

Sid Phillips is known for one thing, and that thing is powerbombs. It’s widely assumed that powerbombs are the only thing he knows how to perform. This is not entirely accurate. Everything that you have been led to believe thus far has been an elaborate ruse, a charade, a farce! There is one other move he can perform when the time is right. Only one other move.

Holding Nova across his chest as if he scooped him up for a slam, and didn’t just luck into this catch, the big youngster shifts his grip so that Nova is over one shoulder. That’s when it happens. Still carrying the Risen Star, Sid Phillips launches himself into the air, spins, and lands the only other move he knows.

Kids, it’s a doozy.

Richard Parker: What the…!!!

Exploding.

Cyclone.

Homicide.

Driver.

Richard Parker: That wasn’t a powerbomb!

Nick Stuart: Nova driven head-first into the canvas! Phillips with the cover!

Richard Parker: Everything I thought I knew is a lie.

Referee Ashley Barlow is down to make the count.

ONE!

Nick Stuart: This could be all! We could be about to see our new number one contenders!

TWO!

Behold yonder skies, and the flying garbage man.

Nick Stuart: Dumpster Dive from Garbage Bag Johnny to break up the pin!

Johnny is quick to scurry out of the ring and ready himself for a tag. Sid, dazed from the impact to his dome just a moment ago, shakes off the cobwebs as he makes his way back towards his own corner.

Nick Stuart: Both teams looking to make a switch. Johnny is in! And so is Fontaine!

Fontaine’s entrance has much more flair, as he springboards immediately to the top and lands a missile dropkick directly onto Johnny’s beard. The beard recoils in terror, and the human man it’s attached to falls to the mat. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, Joe runs to a neutral corner and climbs the buckles before flinging himself off with a high arcing moonsault. It completely misses Johnny’s beard, but does connect with Johnny’s chest. So that’s a plus.

Having tasted success, young Joe goes for another neutral corner to repeat the move, and while the moonsault is just as pretty, the landing leaves a little to be desired, as this time it’s neither Johnny’s chest or beard that gets hit, but rather empty canvas.

Nick Stuart: Joe Fontaine let himself get carried away there, and came up short.

Richard Parker: I am trying to think of a wind-related pun and failing!

Johnny scoops a groggy Joe Fontaine up into a fireman’s carry position, but instead of driving Fontaine to the mat head-first, Johnny instead slams him down on his ass.

Nick Stuart: Tragically Hipbuster on Joe Fontaine! The smaller man taking the brunt of the impact, and compressing his spine. This could be the end of the Winds!

Richard Parker: Oooh, I got one! You could say the Winds are broken. Johnny is breaking the Winds.

Nick Stuart: Barlow with the count!

ONE!

Sid Phillips is stuck. We’ve already covered that he only knows one move (powerbombs), but strikes – you know, like kicking and punching – are also moves, so by extension he has no idea how to throw a jab. What does this mean? Well, it means that when the big man runs into the ring to break up the count, he’s not quite sure how to do it.

TWO!

So he defaults to the first thing that comes to mind, the hamster in his brain whose name is Powerbomb. To that end, he waistlocks an imaginary person, and slams them to the ground in what would be the same spot Johnny is in. With force. Like he goddamn means it. The side-effect of this is that both of his hands, clasped together like an ax handle, smash Johnny in the back of the head.

Richard Parker: Decades of calling professional wrestling matches, and this is the first time I have ever seen someone break up a pin that way. Probably a reason for that.

Johnny rolls to his corner and tags in his partner, while Ashley Barlow tries to get Sid Phillips out of the ring. She gets some help in the form of Garbage Bag Johnny, who flies into frame with a spinning heel kick that takes both Johnny and Phillips to the floor.

Nick Stuart: Nova and Fontaine the legal men. Kick to the midsection… Nova has both arms hooked… Double-arm DDT takes Joe Fontaine to the ground!

Nova rolls right back to his feet and brings Fontaine up with him.

Richard Parker: He could have gone for the cover right there and ended this.

Nick Stuart: I think Nova is looking to make sure that Fontaine stays down. Nova with the pickup. This could be Bourbon For Breakfast. He’s got Fontaine in posi… NO!

The Tempest shifts his momentum, contorting himself behind Nova and knotting him up as both men roll to the canvas.

ONE!

Nick Stuart: Bourbon For Breakfast countered! Joe Fontaine with the surprise roll-up!

TWO!

Richard Parker: What an upset this would…

THREE!

Richard Parker: …be.

DING DING DING

Sid Phillips and Baron Von Blackberry both hit the ring as the realization creeps across Nova’s face.

Vince Howard: The winners of this match… Sid Phillips and Joe Fontaine… the Winds of Change!

Nick Stuart: The Winds of Change have done it! This upstart team just managed to knock off two of the biggest names to ever step foot in PRIME, and this means that down the road they will meet the winner of our main event for a shot at the tag-team championship!

The cameras linger on the Winds celebrating in the ring before going to commercial.