Nutsacks in Twain

“Alright. Here we go. Big night! Main event! Gotta defend the title!”

Fading in reveals a very jittery “Event Horizon” Hayes Hanlon, boots and tights on with a “Mustache Rides are FREE” t-shirt over his broad frame. He paces back and forth, making awkward jabbing motions with his fists and odd lateral slide movements back and forth.

Hayes Hanlon: Time to shine, baby! King of the mountain! Apex predator! THE NAAAATTCHA BOOOYY…

Nova: Hayes, stop doing what you’re doing.

The Five Star Champ spins around, a touch red in the face at the interruption. Nova sits next to Garbage Bag Johnny on a bench in the locker room, one hand on his stomach thanks to earlier events at the Survivor challenge. Johnny sits with his arms clutching his chest, forlornly gazing off into the distance.

Hayes Hanlon: Sorry, I’m just friggin’ amped, man! First title defense, first main event! What do I gotta know? What do I do? How grand an entrance is TOO grand…

Nova: You should probably just go out and wrestle?

Garbage Bag Johnny: I MYSELF AM WRESTLING WITH LONELINESS SINCE I DID NOT HAVE A DATE WITH MURIEL TONIGHT.

Hayes Hanlon: Yeah…I wanted to say sorry about that, except…no?

Nova: Feel lucky that you don’t have to keep an eye out for socks on doorknobs.

Garbage Bag Johnny: IT IS LIKE MY HEART HAS BEEN RENT IN TWAIN. OH, THE SORROW!

Nova: Anyway, you have more on your plate to worry about than how well-timed your walk to the ring is. Didn’t you extend the invitation to Palmer and Grady to “join the party” last week?

Hayes Hanlon: Yeaaah…that probably wasn’t a great idea in hindsight. 

Garbage Bag Johnny: AND LIKE MY NUTSACK HAS BEEN RENT IN TWAIN!

Garbage Bag Johnny curls up in the fetal position and starts bawling his eyes out. Hayes points a concerned thumb to the Bawling Bag Man and looks to Nova.

Hayes Hanlon: Is…is he gonna be okay?

Nova: Completely fine. But what are you going to do about Palmer and Grady if they decide to take you up on your offer?

Hayes Hanlon: So, about that.

Hanlon puts on his best used-car salesman grin and extends his palms to The Risen Star and the Dirtiest Dude in PRIME.

Hayes Hanlon: Would you guys wanna lend a hand if things get dicey?

Nova cocks an eyebrow, leaning over to assist the sniffling Johnny to his feet.

Nova: You want us at ringside?

Hayes Hanlon: Maybe hang in the back until the time is right. Picture this:

Hayes steps back, lifting his arms and telling a story with his hands.

Hayes Hanlon: During the battle, the referee gets knocked out of the action! She’s dazed, and Palmer and Grady take their chance. I fend them off like a BOSS. A clothesline, a spinebuster, probably a stunner, but it’s not enough! All three of them are putting the boots to me in the center of the ring. “How will Hayes Hanlon escape this onslaught!” they’ll ask! And then…

The young Five Star Champ hops onto nearby chair, standing tall with his arms outstretched:

Hayes Hanlon: “Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time…for y’all have knocked her up!”

Hayes hops down from his chair, extremely excited.

Hayes Hanlon: The music hits! Out run Nova and Garbage Bag Johnny, the crowd is all like “RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” And you guys dive in and BOOM! Bourbon for Breakfast on Teddy! BOOM! Legendary De-Pants Combo on Grady! And the BOOM! I muster the energy for The Epoch on Redding, and the ref has come-to just in time for the one! Two! Three!

Hayes holds his hands over his head in faux-triumph, until realizing he’s only collected a couple stares. He lowers his hands and takes a big breath.

Hayes Hanlon: Or something like that. I’ve definitely never once day-dreamed about that exact scenario.

Nova scratches at his beard, mostly for dramatic pause. Hayes leans in eagerly for his response.

Nova: No, that definitely sounds awesome. We’re in.

Hayes fist pumps before clapping both compadres on the shoulder.

Hayes Hanlon: Yes! This is gonna be the best! And I’ll bet it’ll go exactly like that!

Garbage Bag Johnny approaches Hayes and puts his hands on the Five Star Champ’s shoulders. He brings him close, looking at Hanlon right in the eyes.

Garbage Bag Johnny: Have you ever been in love, kid? I mean, like, REALLY been in love?

He gives Hanlon a shake to accentuate the “REALLY” part. Nova steps in and gently separates Johnny.

Nova: Come on, buddy. Let’s go back to the 28th floor and get you back in one piece before the match.

Elsewhere…