OFFICE HOURS
Into the ring, where a panting Ned Reform stands, leaning against the ropes for support. Although he appears to still be feeling the effects of his match, he does wear a grin from ear to ear and he closes his eyes and laughs at the negative response from the fans.
The interesting part, though? During the commercial break, the PRIME ring was completely re-done: there is a beige carpet down covering the canvas, in the center is a dark gray couch with tan pillows, in one of the corners is a tall, black bookshelf filled with various books, and next to the couch is a tall black stool. Reform walks over, adjusts the stool, and takes a seat on it – still wearing his punchable grin. Reform holds his hands out for a mic. When it takes too long to get to him, he snaps impatiently (although we can’t hear what he says) – and eventually a stagehand does give him one.
Ned Reform: …children.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Reform’s smile grows even wider.
Ned Reform: Even you, my dear charlatans and miscreants, cannot deprive me of my sense of elation. I told you all that Dr. Ned Reform was going to put on a clinic in this ring, and so I have. Perhaps all of you…
Reform points toward the entrance.
Ned Reform: …and more importantly, all of you… will pay closer attention to my words of warning in the future, yes? But… enough of that!
Reform turns to look into the hard cam.
Ned Reform: The fisticuffs are finished with, children. We now turn our attention to more noble pursuits: namely, the pursuit of truth. Tonight, we peel back the facade of corruption and stupidity that permeates this company. Tonight, we will really interrogate the nuances of this industry we all have spent so much time with. We will debrief our many deeply conflicted and contradicting emotions around this strange sport. And most of all, we will learn. We will grow. Because children… welcome.
Big smile. His free arm goes wide.
Ned Reform: …to Office Hours… with Dr. Ned Reform!
The screen fills with a snazzy slightly early 90s looking graphic:
OFFICE HOURS W/DR NED REFORM
The graphic fades and we’re back in the ring. In the corner of the screen is a small signature that reads “Office Hours.” The crowd is booing the shit out of his ridiculous display, but if Ned can hear them… he ain’t selling it.
Ned Reform: Ladies and gentlemen, I vow this to you: Office Hours will not be another (air quotes) “wrestling interview show.” On this program, I plan to lend my valuable and stories expertise to those who need it most. I will not simply welcome (air quotes) “guests” onto this show. I will invite people who NEED me to guide them to a better way. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll learn a thing or two about life… and in the end, we will ALL be better for it.
The fans aren’t loving this, naturally.
Ned Reform: So. No more adieu, children. In this, my first edition of Office Hours here in PRIME, I invite my first subjects onto the show. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm “Office Hours” welcome to… The Dangerous Mix!
Reform dramatically gestures to the entrance.
The familiar crunch of Hideyuki Takahashi’s “Run Rabbit Junk” fills the MGM Grand, bringing out the Dangerous Mix of David Fox and the Kaiju, Mushigihara. The big man is dressed rather sharply in a black suit, while Fox opts for the more casual look of blue jeans and a green shirt with a certain gold trim about the shoulders, and the pair is all business. They stroll into the ring, opting to keep standing in lieu of taking a seat.
Ned Reform: No seat? Well, then.
Fox simply just shakes his head and makes a gesture with his hand requesting the mic.
Ned Reform: I don’t know why I should offer the proverbial podium to such an uncouth pair of ruffians like you, but I’m curious, so… yes. I will entertain your request.
The Professor hands the microphone to David Fox in a rather pretentious way, which makes the Soul Survivor look at him inquisitively, but he moves on.
David Fox: Thanks, doc… me and the big man are out here because we have… a score to settle. Two scores, in fact. For some time we’ve been dealing with some thorns in our sides; the eGG Bandits, and the Masters of the Multiverse…
The microphone picks up Fox’s scoffing, before he continues his spiel.
David Fox: …B-Team.
The mention of both those teams elicits a rousing round of jeers.
David Fox: Yeah, yeah, I know… but as we all know, ‘tis the season of giving, and in the great holiday tradition, I’m comin’ out here because Santa Fox wants to give all four of those jokesters a chance to step onto one of the grandest stages in sports, Madison Square BY GOD Garden, to settle this little tiff once and for all, and for ALL of us to walk into 2023 with a blank slate!
David chuckles to himself as he hands the mic to Mushi, who goes right to the point with no fanfare or panache.
Mushigihara: eGG Bandits. B-Team. WE WANT YOU AT COLOSSUS!
The crowd gives a respectable pop, as Mushi looks around the MGM Grand and follows up.
Mushigihara: So come on out if you dare, and accept the challenge!
The Kaiju walks up to Ned Reform, and hands him the mic in a courteous manner while staring at him with distrust.
Ned Reform: Well, boys, you so happen to be in luck tonight, because… up next we have a duo known for, well, handling the fledgling need for quality assurance of the food and drink that comes into PRIME. They are your Commissioner of Food and Drink, so please, heed their advice as we welcome to Office Hours, the Masters of the Multiverse…(checks notes) B-Team!
“Let Me Entertain You” plays throughout the Grand, much to the chagrin of the audience who begin booing the Masters of the Multiverse…B-Team, who hand out brochures about “THE DANGERS OF BEATING EGGS INTO A MIX” to people in the front row on their way to the ring, before Randall Schwartz holds the ropes open for Kenny to enter through, the pair looking smug as ever as they take their seats.
Ned Reform: Gentlemen, welcome…I see you’ve endeared yourselves to this audience already, good for you.
Kenny motions for a mic to be brought to him as well, already depleting the much-maligned microphone budget as Kenny opens his mouth to speak…only to be interrupted by the crowd booing, as if refusing to listen to him. He rests his hands on his waist, shaking his head at the crowd to quiet down before raising the mic to speak.
Kenny Freeman: Thank you, Ned.
This draws an immediate glare from Reform, forcing Kenny to backtrack verbally.
Kenny Freeman: Sorry…thank you, Dr. Reform.
A nod from Reform signifies the salutation is acceptable, allowing Kenny to proceed.
Kenny Freeman: Now, I want to say that we hear the request of Misters Fox and, uh, Gihara, and would like to say…
Kenny is interrupted as Randall takes the mic from his hand, chiming in.
Randall Schwartz: We already beat you, fellas.
This gets more than a bit of jeers from the crowd…which seems to force Randall to backtrack just a little himself.
Randall Schwartz: On the other hand, I’ll be the first to admit that our encounter back at Great American Nightmare, and the fact that ended in a draw, still sticks in my damn craw. Draws are for international football games, not for professional wrestling.
Kenny takes the mic back from Randall, still annoyed at the interruption before he speaks up again.
Kenny Freeman: Besides, you make an interesting proposal. We’re fully aware of the accomplishments of the E-G-G Bandits…
Randall leans over, whispering in Kenny’s ear. Freeman looks confused, even surprised as he continues.
Kenny Freeman: Oh, it is Egg Bandits. Gotcha. Anyway, with the way things went down the other week when I faced Bobby Dean, it got me to thinking…sure, why not square off with the Mix one more time, and throw the world-renowned Bandits into the fray? And, as Randall alluded to, the triple threat tag you’re proposing means one winner, no DQs or count-outs to get in the way of someone picking up that crucial victory to finish out the year. So hey, why the hell not? Count us in, but when it’s the B-Team getting their hands raised in New York City, remember that you asked for this.
This last remark, naturally, doesn’t go well with the crowd at all as Reform raises his mic to chime in.
Ned Reform: Now now, let’s not get too hasty here gents…it’s bad for the blood pressure. Now, since we’ve brought them up already, it’s time now to bring to Office Hours the one, the only…the Egg Bandits!
“Banditstruck” plays, as the Bandits themselves make their way out to the stage to a chorus of boos from the crowd…but the Bandts stay right there, a microphone in the hand of Bobby Dean who raises it to speak.
Bobby Dean: Well now, isn’t this lovely? You’ve got the good Doctor here, offering advice…well let me tell you something, Doc…I know what this is, and neither myself nor Doo–
Bobby is interrupted by Mayhew leaning over, muttering something in the ear of the Beautiful One, who speaks up once more.
Bobby Dean: Neither myself nor Fred Mayweather here are going to fall for this trap. I do not need an intervention, no thank you! So, Fred and I are gonna head back and get ready for our match later.
And just like that, the Bandits have left the building…well, not really, but they make their way to the back much to the chagrin of Reform, leaving a smirking B-Team beside a visibly annoyed Dangerous Mix as the Doctor responds sarcastically to the situation…even rolling his eyes.
Ned Reform: A productive session here tonight!
Meanwhile, David Fox rolls his eyes and dismissively makes his way out of the ring, and Mushigihara follows with a shrug, but it’s Kenny who chimes in once more to break the silence.
Kenny Freeman: Well, Doc, it’s been nice sitting in on all this, but my buddy Randall has a question he’s been itching to ask you since we got the invite.
Randall Schwartz: Yeah, why does it burn when I go p–
Ned Reform: Right, that’s quite enough! It seems to me we have three tag teams with some attitude issues that need sorting out…and it seems the only way they’ll be able to settle it is in the ring at Colossus. Now, folks, I need to make this very clear…outside of professional wrestling, violence is never the solution to your problems. Medication might be. Make sure you speak to your doctor if you’re in need of a prescription…but for now, we say farewell here on Office Hours. Thank you to my guests, the Dangerous Mix and B-Team especially, for giving me a chance to offer the proper advice they need, and to you the viewer for watching!
Kenny and David both glare at the Doctor, fully aware that no such advice was given throughout this timeslot.
Kenny Freeman: Hey, wait a min–
Suddenly, the jazz music from earlier fires up and out of nowhere comes a fast talking narrator.
Narrator (talking very quickly):
This has been Office Hours w/Dr. Ned Reform. This program was not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any current or future illness. Consult your local physician with any concerns. Office Hours and Dr. Ned Reform are registered trademarks. If you or a loved one are suffering and are interested in making a future appearance on Office Hours, please call the number below. Local rates apply – children, ask your parents permission before dialing.
On the bottom of the screen, the following number appears in white font: (203) 684-5885.