ON THE TOPIC OF HEAD PUDDING
We cut backstage to some amateur hour camerawork, shaky camera and all. It’s all to display the tacky, sparkling suit and radiant smile of one Joe Fontaine. The camera turns, and displays him sideways.
Joe Fontaine: Hello, PRIME! We’re back!
There is a pause, as Joe realizes his current situation.
Joe Fontaine: Sid, are you actually holding the camera sideways?
Sid Phillips: You’re the one who said that they used all of the good camerapeoples on other segments. I know how to do exactly one thing in this sport, camerawork ain’t it.
He adjusts. Now the camera is upside-down, so Joe Fontaine is just Spider-manning it up over here.
Joe Fontaine: It’s upside-down!
Sid Phillips: You’re upside-down.
Joe has to actually think about that one. Is he upside-down? Is everything upside-down? Is Sid’s camera the only thing that’s actually right side up? No, that’s dumb. Even Joe knows that’s dumb. Probably. Hopefully.
The camera turns until finally, mercifully, Joe Fontaine is framed normally. Well, okay, he’s a little bit out of focus. Sid’s working on it!
Joe Fontaine: Are we good?
Sid Phillips: We’re good.
They’re not good.
Sid is zooming in uncomfortably close to Joe’s left eye while trying to get the picture to focus. Honestly, why is he operating a camera?
Joe Fontaine: Cool, cool, cool.
Sid Phillips: Hang on. Just… okay. We’re really good now.
The camera zooms back out. Joe is off-center, but at least the picture is focused. That’s about the best we’re going to get out of Sid here.
Joe Fontaine: Anyway, hi. Hello. I am Joe Fontaine, one half of the Winds of Change! We’re here to talk to you about PWA-02!
Applause!
Joe Fontaine: Your boys are competing for the PWA Tag Team Championships, and that means we’re crossing paths with Surf Express Bro – a sentient train riding on a surfboard – and the team of Dan Ryan and Jatt Starr. And, well… it’s a new year of the Winds of Change, which means a new us.
Sid Phillips: Still the same as always from me, though.
Joe Fontaine: Yes, yes, I know.
Sid Phillips: (whispering) Powerbombs.
Joe stands there with his hands on his hips, waiting for Sid to get it all out of his system. Being best friends and brothers-in-law with a man who only wants to do one thing and one thing only in the sport of professional wrestling can be a little difficult sometimes.
Joe Fontaine: And I mean, those are two great teams. One of them is a train and the other one holds titles in some other company. Forget the name. Probably not important.
Joe smiles.
Joe Fontaine: But they’re not us. No one is us.
He consciously steps to his side to put himself in the center of the frame. Aggravatingly, Sid adjusts the camera so that Joe is off-frame again.
Joe Fontaine: So, as far as I’m concerned, we’re going to powerbomb the train and then make the Starr fall from the sky, and… okay, I’ve got nothing clever to say about Dan Ryan. He’s got two first names, and nobody should ever take a guy named Dan seriously.
Sid Phillips: You know that’s my dad’s name, right?
Joe Fontaine: …Yes. Okay, fair, he’s an exception.
Sid Phillips: Technically speaking, he and I both have two first names, too.
Joe Fontaine: Okay, but you use the plural form of Phillip, so really you have an infinite number of first names when you think about it. That makes you more powerful than Dan Ryan. That’s science.
Sid Phillips: Your logic is sound.
No, it isn’t… and as if being summoned by the “Pedantry Fairy”, Cecilworth Farthington suddenly appears in shot. It’s very abrupt but that’s just because Sid was slightly off-centre for a bit there.
Cecilworth Farthington: It really depends on how many Philip you would need before you get a Ryan. I think I have a Philip/Ryan conversion table in here somewhere…
Cecilworth starts digging into his inside pocket that we last saw containing the PRIME Rule Book, but is stopped short by Joe’s interjection.
Joe Fontaine: Hang on, Cecilworth. I’d like to think that one Phillip is greater than one Ryan, since… well. Look at him. Sid here is a very large boy, made specifically of powerbombs. I think he actually breaks the conventions of the Phillip/Ryan conversion table, which is a known standard of the metric system. What you’re looking at is a living example of proof that science can be made one’s bitch.
Sid Phillips: …He’s out of line, but he’s right.
Cecilworth Farthington: It’s a good point Joe, particularly when it comes to Dan Ryan. Science says that surely he would’ve managed at least one measly win against me, and yet…
Cecilworth chuckles to himself muttering “ninety seven minute iron man match, my arse”.
Joe Fontaine: This is why we don’t really need to listen to science if we don’t want to. Math is already dead in PRIME, so let’s bring down science next.
Sid Phillips: I don’t know about this.
Joe Fontaine: No, it’s fine. Once science goes, the laws of causality will certainly go next.
Sid Phillips: What does that even mean?
Joe shrugs his shoulders, and misses quite a few syllables in saying “I don’t know”. Syllables are optional. Cecilworth for his part now feels like a stranger who walked in on a private conversation that he does not control, but it’s not as if he’s going to leave or anything.
Cecilworth Farthington: I totally get you young folks. Boo Science, am I right? Boo to Newton! Who’d he ever beat? Prick got taken down by an apple, he’d never manage a powerbomb.
Cecilworth stops himself from wandering too far down the pathway and manages to re-rail to his purpose in this conversation.
Cecilworth Farthington: Lads, I couldn’t help but notice that ole egotist that claimed to be your mentor is too tied up sating himself with some hippy bullshit. It occurred to me, being the kind and considerate man I am, that I wanted to share a bit of wisdom with you ahead of your PWA sporting contest. Now, I won’t be there myself, I’d rather staple my testicles to a lamppost while they remain in the sack but I do have knowledge to offer…
Joe Fontaine: You know, that sounds really difficult to do. And think about the poor lamppost!
Sid Phillips: Joe.
Joe Fontaine: Yeah, I know, I know. Wisdom, huh? Lay it on me, bro. Well, us. There’s two of us. One of them’s operating a camera.
Poorly. He’s found a way to zoom in dramatically on Cecilworth’s hairline (which is magnificent this evening).
Cecilworth Farthington: Well, bro, if that’s how you say it… I am an expert in the art of “Defeating Dan Ryan” and it occurs to me that should you also master this ancient practice, you could scoop up them PWA Tag Titles. First of all, his head is almost entirely made of pudding, so lots of kicks should go there. Secondly, I almost broke his arm several times, so I gotta imagine that’s a soft spot…
Cecilworth begins to ramble away at memories of Dan Ryan old, he doesn’t really seem to notice whether Joe or Sid are even paying attention.
You can see Sid’s hand enter the shot.
Sid Phillips: Wait. Hang on, Farthy. What’s a “kick?”
Joe Fontaine: …You know exactly what a kick is. It’s that thing you do with your leg that you think is meaningless fluff before you powerbomb someone.
Sid Phillips: Oh. Right. Why do we even have legs?
Joe turns back to Cecilworth, as Sid struggles with the camera now that he’s putting both hands back on it. It’s hard for him, you know. He’s lifting an object without any intent of powerbombing it, after all. We apologize for any motion sickness induced by his camerawork.
Joe Fontaine: Anyway, Farthy, that’s all great advice. Especially the pudding part, it’s probably all tapioca up there.
Cecilworth Farthington: It’s true, his brain could actually cater a child’s birthday party.
Joe Fontaine: I don’t know, I don’t like tapioca, so I just assume that’s for a birthday party for an unwanted child.
Cecilworth Farthington: Joe, it’s wrestling, most children are unwant…
Cecilworth trails off upon remembering his current audience.
Joe Fontaine: Oh, I know. You think someone like Rezin gets squirted out and is instantly loved by their folks? Come on. The guy is one green paint job away from being the real-life Grinch.
Sid Phillips: Never use those words together in that specific context again.
Cecilworth breathes a small sigh of internal belief that his thoughtless comment smoothly sailed high above the Winds.
Cecilworth Farthington: As much as I love to make “I beat Dan Ryan 100 times” jokes, and do not get me wrong, it’s my favourite thing, I have a few more ideas to share for the match. Yes Sid, it does involve powerbombs…
Cecilworth cuts off the hand he sees slowly rising from behind the camera.
Cecilworth Farthington: However, this is not for prying eyes or ears so Sid… if you wouldn’t mind…
Sid Phillips: Oh. Right. Uh… give me a second.
There’s a lot of fumbling around with the camera. Really, we’re sorry about all of that motion sickness you’re probably going through. Eventually, the shot cuts away to catch up with our very cool Russian contingent.