OOPS! I(VAN) DID IT AGAIN!
And so we see Ivan Stanislav with Alexei Ruslan at his side, standing inside the loading dock of the MGM Grand. Before him stands several technicians and stagehands, most dressed in black shirts and pants. They all keep a safe distance from the hulking Russian. Ivan stands before a podium with the PRIME logo on the front. Still, the podium looks comically small compared to his dimensions.
The words “Previously Recorded” displayed in the corner. It’s a fancy graphic, and it spins from time to time to show how awesome the PRIME Graphics Artist is. He’s proud of it. We should be too. Good on you, PRIME Graphics Artist.
Ruslan removes his hat and tucks it under his arm, standing just slightly back and to the left of Stanislav. He regards his friend with thoughtful reverence while The Russian Bear brings his hands behind his back. Ruslan addresses the group.
Alexei Ruslan: We are so glad you have all shown up to hear Ivan Stanislav’s heartfelt remarks regarding the Nick Stuart situation last week. I ask that you all give him your undivided attention! Praporshchik Stanislav.
Ivan smiles and nods, but instead of his “apology” being spoken in English, he instead spews out a barrage of Russian.
Ivan Stanislav: Я стою перед вами сегодня, потому что эта чудовищная женщина, Линдсей Трой, подумала, что было бы полезно поделиться с вами несколькими словами о моих действиях на прошлой неделе, на ReVival 19.
In person, no one knows what Stanislav is saying, but thankfully this is previously recorded, so a translation is offered for everyone else.
Translation: I stand before you today because that beastly woman, Lindsay Troy, thought it useful to share some words regarding my actions last week at ReVival Nineteen.
Stanislav inhales deeply and exhales. He snorts once.
Ivan Stanislav: По правде говоря, я чувствую, что мне нечего сказать никому из вас. Я просто защищался от ужасной клеветы Ника Стюарта. Я сожалею только о том, что не оторвал ему голову с плеч и не вонзил ее прямо в грудь Линдси Трой.
Translation: The truth is I have nothing necessary to say to any of you. I was simply defending myself from the horrible slander vomited forth by Nick Stuart. My only regret is that I did not rip his head clean off his shoulders and embed it directly into Lindsay Troy’s chest.
Ruslan nods solemnly and tries to suppress a smirk, while the employees look at each other. They clearly don’t know Russian. We dispense with the Russian words, despite Ivan speaking his native tongue.
Ivan Stanislav: (translated on screen beneath him) I know you are all too stupid to know what I am saying. You are rendered stupid because of a lack of options provided by PRIME as a whole. I wish to fix that. But your ignorance does grant you a certain degree of bliss. In all my years of wrestling, rest assured, I have destroyed countless pieces of property and injured plenty of people who got in my way. That is not going to change. And you all can just stand there like morons and nod.
Ruslan makes a somewhat pronounced nod in relation to Ivan’s words, and some of the onlookers mirror the motion, thinking it must be a cue. Ivan smirks with amusement.
Ivan Stanislav: (translated on screen beneath him) Lindsay Troy thought she could be cute by learning Russian. That is helpful, because I know she understands at least a portion of what I am saying.
Stanislav looks directly at the camera with a simmering fire behind his eyes. Ruslan stares at well, even though he’s not speaking, with one hand behind his back, the other with his hat tucked under his arm.
Ivan Stanislav: (translated on screen beneath him) You can fine us all you wish, little Queen. You can threaten me if you like. But no one in PRIME is safe. I should annihilate all of these people before me just to prove a point, but they have done nothing wrong. There is no reason to make them suffer.
The workers look at one another and then at the camera Ivan is staring at. They don’t understand him of course, but they sense that he’s not talking to them any longer. Finally, Ivan looks at them and speaks English.
Ivan Stanislav: (in English) So yes, my dear PRIME employees, accept the most humble and heartfelt apologies from the both of us…
A beat. Then, Stanislav lifts his ham sized fist and slams it on the podium. It explodes outward as pieces of timber burst everywhere. The technicians scream and run.
Ivan Stanislav: DISPERSE!! DYAAHAAHAA!!
He roars out his raucous laugh, while Alexei giggles next to his friend.
Alexei Ruslan: Uh oh, Ivan Sergeiovich, it is like hit song when we were in PCW, remember?
Ivan brings a hand to his mouth in mock surprise.
Ivan Stanislav: Oops…I did it again! DYAAAHAAHAA!!
Ivan continues laughing. He kicks the wreckage out from around him and roars in the background.
Ivan Stanislav: (in background) Run little ants!! Go run back and suckle on Mother Troy, little piglets!!
While Ivan is in the background causing havoc, which now includes picking up a rolly-container full of sound equipment and chucking it against the wall, Alexei Ruslan moves close to the camera and speaks conversationally. His twisted smirk on his face and twinkle in his eye shows just how much he is enjoying this. He speaks quietly.
Alexei Ruslan: Good enough for you, paper Queen?
His expression twists into a grimacing laugh as he belts out his own, “Hee hee haa!” Ivan, in the background, boots another container into a wall and matches his laughter.
And yes… the Russians laugh… and laugh… and laugh.