OPENING CEREMONIES

We are now privy to a scene with a whole bunch of folks and an overwhelming amount of pro-Ivan propaganda. So many Ivan posters. It’s like the whole room is wallpapered by them. As the camera pans along the scene, you can see a few noteworthy parts of this scene.

There’s a small section of the wall that wasn’t covered by Red Army propaganda posters. That section of the wall had pro-Glue propaganda crudely taped over the top of the Red Army propaganda, as though the person or persons responsible for doing so didn’t have any time or care to do it properly. The Glue propaganda had such lovely slogans like “Glue friends stick together” and “There is no hope, buy glue” and “Lizard rights”. At the center of the room is a steel barrel. 

There were a few people milling about, waiting for something to happen. Standing next to the Glue propaganda are Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips. Joe in his usual sparkling suit and Sid in a much more mundane and “cooler” looking black suit. With them are a cardboard cutout of Cecilworth Farthington, beautifully saying the word “no”. Along with Cardsworth is a chinchilla in a glass cage, whom we’re thinking is supposed to be FLAMBERGE in this situation because it’s wearing a tiny, novelty-sized beret.

And then you have the Masters of the Moscowverse, with Kenny Freeman still looking slightly out of sorts after his brief moment of awkwardness with Ivan Stanislav…and Randall Schwartz, just happy to have his feet back on the ground again. They too have brought someone along with them…or rather, something: a cardboard cutout of Ivan Stanislav, because if one faction is going to have a cardboard stand-in for their fearless leader you’d might as well have both do it.

The milling-about ceases when a man bursts into the room, carrying a torch. An honest-to-god torch. It’s on fire. How this person is allowed to bring a fire hazard with him inside of the Enterprise Center is a damn mystery, but this broadly-built man in a golden mask runs inside the room and deposits the torch into the barrel.

WHOOSH!

The fire shoots up into the air, and everyone is very thankful that it doesn’t trip any sort of sprinkler system or fire alarm, and no one in this room is getting fined for allowing this bullhickey to take place. The man in the gold mask departs as quickly as he arrived, and all parties approach the barrel. Fontaine and Phillips bring Cardsworth and FLAMchilla with them, while Freeman and Schwartz carefully drag Cardislav with them.

Joe Fontaine: So, Gentleman’s Games, then.

The Masters of the Moscowverse nod.

Joe Fontaine: Well, our gracious Glueatriarch has given us an opening statement. If you’ll just give me…

Fontaine spends an inordinate amount of time messing with something at the back of Cardsworth. 

Joe Fontaine: …there we go!

Finally, he has some success, because an automated voice appears to come from the “mouth” of Cecilworth’s two-dimensional counterpart and official Glue Secretary. That voice is actually that of Joe Fontaine trying to do an impersonation of Cecilworth Farthington, and doing it very poorly.

“Cardsworth”: I am undefeated at Gentleman’s Games contests. Good luck.

Sid Phillips: Seems ominous. Like he’s gonna judge us if we lose.

Joe Fontaine: If we lose. Which we ain’t gonna.

Randall holds a hand up as if motioning for the parties to wait one moment, and proceeds to do something similar with Cardislav, who “speaks” in a similar fashion as Randall tries his best to imitate Ivan Stanislav, but because you cannot imitate perfection it comes across very…odd.

“Cardislav”: I am nothing if not gentleman, and I expect nothing but best from Masters of Moscowverse in these Gentleman’s Games!

Kenny just stares at Randall, mouthing an obscenity that will likely get him fined by the ACE Network. Randall, for his part, just gives a thumbs up with a smile.

Joe Fontaine: Holy shit, was that Ivan? It sounded just like him.

Sid Phillips: No, it didn’t.

Joe Fontaine: He had the accent and the terrible grammar and the awful smell, though.

Sid Phillips: What does his smell have to do with how he sounds?

Joe shrugs, decides to ignore Sid’s reasonable arguments because they are too reasonable for this segment, and then turns his attention back to the Masters.

Joe Fontaine: Alright, so you’re the ones who challenged the two of us to these “Gentleman’s Games”. Even though you already stole one of my beautiful championship belts from me. I worked really hard for that, you know. I had to get in Pom Shinjoku’s head rent-free, and now she can’t stop threatening to cut stuff off of me.

Sid Phillips: Your stupid manbun, specifically.

Joe Fontaine: Everyone loves the bun.

Sid sighs, and turns his attention to the Masters.

Sid Phillips: So, how’s this supposed to work, anyway? Do we just go out to the ring and I start powerbombing both of you repeatedly and at the same time, or do you want to cut out the middleman and I do that right now?

Kenny and Randall raise their arms to try and de-escalate the situation, trying to calm the riled Phillips before he starts powerbombing everyone and everything in sight.

Kenny Freeman: Now now Sid, there’s no need to get violent this early on.

Randall Schwartz: Yeah, the powerbomb contest doesn’t happen till round four anyway.

For no real reason at all, all four men turn their attention to the camera, as if speaking directly to…us? What the hell!?

All Four Men: Write that down!

They then turn their attention back to each other as Kenny speaks once again.

Kenny Freeman: The first order of business is deciding who gets to name what the first Gentleman’s Game is. That’s where the coin toss comes in. Randall, the coin please!

Randall reaches into his pocket, pulling out a coin with Ivan Stanislav’s face on it because of course…and the Entertainer immediately throws the coin at Phillips, much to the surprise of Kenny and the anger of both members of Glue Man Group.

Kenny Freeman: Dammit Randall, I said coin toss, not coin throw! Sorry fellas, you’re welcome to flip the coin yourselves if you’d like.

Joe Fontaine: I’ll call this one tails. Sid, please do the honors in flipping it.

Sid Phillips: Oh, I’ll flip this coin alright. 

Go on. Guess in three tries how he does that. The first two don’t count, if you’re wondering. The coin, and Phillips with it, hits the ground as though thrown by detonation, and is sent hurling towards a wall. Every eye in the room (some of which are cardboard) watches as the coin tumbles and spins before coming to a stop near a door.

There’s a long moment where no one moves at all, fearful that Sid might devolve further into his baser instincts, a time when there was no civility and men communicate solely by powerbomb. Finally, Joe sighs and walks over to the fallen coin, all of his energy seemingly deflated in the face of such incivility.

He frowns even more upon seeing how it landed.

Joe Fontaine: …It’s come up Ivan.

The Masters nod to each other with a smirk before Randall responds.

Randall Schwartz: Right then, the first Gentleman’s Game shall be what we called in the old country Roshambles.

Kenny just stares at him, something the Entertainer immediately picks up on as he corrects himself.

Randall Schwartz: Sorry, Roshambo.

Sid Phillips: Gesundheit.

Kenny just rolls his eyes before chiming in.

Kenny Freeman: Rock Paper Scissors!

Sid Phillips: Oh. You won the coin toss, so… I’ll play along. But I want you to know that this game is nothing compared to Rock Powerbomb Scissors, where Powerbomb beats everything and nothing can beat it. Coincidentally, it’s a game I always win.

Meanwhile, Joe shouts from across the room, pointing his finger at the Masters and making a bold declaration.

Joe Fontaine: You guys are going to get killed by paper!

He pauses, and then corrects himself.

Joe Fontaine: Okay, I only said “paper” because if I said the other two, I might get in trouble with legal and it’d be a whole thing. I’m sure you understand.

Sid Phillips: Just stop talking, Joe.

Joe Fontaine: ‘Kay.

The Masters once again nod, this time extending a hand each to their friendly rivals.

Kenny Freeman: Let the Games begin then, eh?

Joe runs over to accept the handshake, and the two teams shake hands in agreement. Now, ReVival moves on to some Bandit bullshit.