ORDER AND CHAOS
Ivan Stanislav: All right Luchador, it is high time we talk about strategy.
No one ever wants to be stuck in a room alone with Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan. It usually means structural damage. But for the Intense Champion, The Anglo Luchador, he has the dubious distinction of being on the same side as The Russian Bear in his upcoming match and thus, some sort of collaboration is necessary.
And so, The Intense Champion stands in what looks like a small dressing room, complete with a mirror to show the scene from a slightly different perspective. The room could comfortably hold five or six people, but instead feels cramped because of one massive fellow in particular. Stanislav’s arms are crossed over his chest, while Ruslan stands to his side.
Ivan Stanislav: You want to get retribution on these GAS types? You listen to me, eh?
TAL: Yeah, I’m listening, bub. Spill what you wanna do.
Ivan Stanislav: These wreckers will do whatever it takes in order to win, yes? As Lenin and later Stalin did, sometimes you must meet terror with terror. You leave Ivan Sergeiovich in ring for most of match and I will bury them…
Ivan looks over at Alexei, who chimes in.
Alexei Ruslan: When you are in the ring, Luchador, you just follow our directives. You keep these idiots in neutral corner closest to where I stand most of time, yes?
Ruslan flicks his wrist and his collapsable, metal baton snaps into his hand.
Alexei Ruslan: I hop up on apron while Ivan distracts referee, and I part their hair with this. They rebound off ropes, I try to break their ankle or trip them.
Ivan chimes in.
Ivan Stanislav: We win by any means necessary, Luchador. The rules set forth by Troy and her henchmen are only meant to hinder true potential of competitors. The Revolution demands no mercy or quarter given. No need to tip toe around rules. We want our opponents to leave this ring broken.
TAL: Okay, there are quite a few issues I have with this manifesto, so let me recount them for you.
The luchador stands up straight as he can and clears his throat.
TAL: One, I am not cheating.
This causes both Ivan and Alexei to grouse, but before they can speak up, the luchador continues.
TAL: Now, I don’t know or care what preconceived notions you have about what being a tecnico entails, but even though I am not going to cheat, I will say if you guys want to bend the rules a little bit, as long as you’re not doing a Paxton Ray on either Mort or Wingtips, I won’t care. Second…
He sighs, knowing he’s about to become a broken record skipping at a brick wall once again.
TAL: Secondly, we talked about this. You can’t just run at these guys with regimented order. There’s a time to roll the tanks into Prague, and then there’s a time when you gotta light a few Molotov cocktails and bring in a little anarchy.
Ivan Stanislav: Anarchy? You sound even less like a Trostkyist and more like a Bakunist, Luchador. Perhaps you fail to realize that our opponents are the chaotic ones, eh?
TAL: Okay, maybe my theory is a bit scatterbrained, but the point is you cannot go after these guys with singular focus. They’re too smart, especially Wingtips. You have to keep them on their toes. Does that register with you?
Ivan Stanislav: Of course it registers with me…
Alexei Ruslan: You have to forgive Ivan Sergeiovich and myself. You see, we never need to worry about our opponents actually harming us, particularly Ivan, that it is difficult for us to think about a smaller, less… resilient partner and the concerns they might have. Ivan, do not forget, some cannot simply use overwhelming strength, force, and will to shatter their opponents.
This seems to light the bulb over Ivan’s head.
Ivan Stanislav: Ah, yes of course. All right Luchador, you wish to keep them on their toes? Despite feeling this will be a less effective strategy, why don’t you tell me what -you- would propose, hm?
TAL: Well, I have a few ideas, but honestly, I don’t think I want to discuss strategy with these guys around.
The Intense Champion gestures towards the camera.
TAL: So why don’t you guys skedaddle? Throw it back to Nick and Richie, huh?
Ivan Stanislav: Da. Here! I offer some anarchy and less order, eh?
With that, Stanislav’s huge hand palms the camera lens and shoves it and the cameraman out of the room and then slams the door. All the while The Anglo Luchador shakes his head and covers his eyes with an exasperated sigh.