PEACE WAS NEVER AN OPTION
ReVival 8 returns from commercial to a tense scene in a conference room somewhere in the MGM Grand. A long table that, on one end, sits the Winds of Change. Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips sit next to each other on one end of the table, both of them looking tensely at the occupant on the other end of the table.
Joe Fontaine: Let me tell you, sir. I’ve about had enough of your shenaniganery. Your shenanigans. You shenanigoon.
When the camera pans right to show who sits on the other end of the table, it’s of a mortal foe that the Winds of Change had run afoul of for the entirety of the Survivor competition. A mortal enemy, one whose crimes against both Joe and Sid could not be left to stand any longer.
The mannequin, El Hijo del Super Cool Guy, simply sits there with an unblinking lack of compromise. His remorseless face can only stare forward at his accusers of shenaniganery.
Joe Fontaine: Hey! English! We speak that here in Vegas!
He taps Sid on his shoulder and then points across the table at the mannequin.
Joe Fontaine: Sid, say something to him!
Sid Phillips: No.
The camera pans back and to the center, and finally displays the two other individuals standing in the room, some distance from the table and against the wall. One man, with his blackberry mask and white lab coat, also looks like a bandaged mummy, with most of his visible skin apart from his head and neck covered in bandages. The other man, with his blueberry mask, watches the events unfold next to him.
King Blueberry turns to Baron von Blackberry.
King Blueberry: What happened to you, anyway?
Baron von Blackberry: What, this? Uh, I said something nice to Ria.
King Blueberry: (nodding) Yeah, that tracks.
Joe slams his fist down on the table. Evidently, El Hijo del Super Cool Guy has said something to have angered Joe. He stands up, palms on the table, and then points an accusatory finger at the mannequin.
Joe Fontaine: How dare you accuse me of deserving your treatment of me!? Do you know who I am? I’m the man that’s going to go to your department store, find your girlfriend, and bang her right in front of you!
A hushed silence falls over the conference room.
Baron von Blackberry: Well, this peace summit is like a minute in and we’ve already had a declaration like that, so this is definitely going well so far.
Sid looks towards the berries with a pleading look. The kind that says that he doesn’t want to be there. The berries ignored his plight. Blackberry instead crosses his arms and casts a glance towards the mannequin.
Baron von Blackberry: He’s certainly a tough negotiator.
King Blueberry: Can we back up a minute? I’m still trying to wrap my head around the part where young Joe here threatened to break into a department store and sex a mannequin, because I don’t know exactly how many crimes that would be, but I bet it’s a lot. And now we’re all accessories.
The king spins in his chair. His first attempt miscalculates how well these particular chairs are maintained, so he overshoots his mark and faces the wall. It’s an awkward correction as he turns slowly towards Joe.
King Blueberry: That what you’re tryna do here, bud? Get us all arrested and sent to jail? For crimes? Well great job, Joe. Now we’re all felons.
A lightbulb goes off over blueberry’s head, but you can’t see it, because it’s very dim.
King Blueberry: Unless you’re up to some spy shit. Full disclosure time, and you have to answer honestly: are you a spy, Joe?
Baron von Blackberry: Yes, I would be very interested to know if you are a spy or not. For science.
Sid Phillips: As a counterpoint, look at this ridiculous man and his stupid gaudy suit. He can’t possibly be a spy. Spies have subtlety.
Joe Fontaine: Yeah, I’m not a spy.
Baron von Blackberry: That is exactly what a spy would say, you realize.
King Blueberry: I don’t think your boy is being honest with us, Baron. I feel like he’s cooking us up a sizzling cast iron skillet of peppers, onions, and lies. A fajita of fantastic falsehoods, fabrications, and fuckery.
King Blueberry: No, I don’t think white is his color. Why?
King Blueberry: Whatever. Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, these are the facts as I understand them. First, Joe may or may not be a spy. Jury’s still out on that one. Second – and I can’t believe I’m about to say this out loud – we have a problem with the mannequin hitting Canadian Destroyers. Is there a third? This is all super weird.
Joe Fontaine: Look, all I know is that every single time I share space with this freak of manufacturing beauty, I get flipped topsy-turvy. Hell, last time, it happened to Sid, too!
Sid Phillips: Pretty sure it was the crap I ate that turned me topsy-turvy, to be honest. A mannequin might have been there, I guess.
Joe stands and points another accusatory finger towards the mannequin.
Joe Fontaine: So what I want to know is, who is this mannequin, and why was he made in Canada?!
Blackberry, who is being suspiciously quiet for a change, laughs.
Baron von Blackberry: AHAHA! FOOL! Perhaps it is reacting to your preconceived notions of prejudice against the hat of America itself, Canada!
King Blueberry: This is El Hijo del Super Cool Guy. I thought that was obvious. Also he’s on the website, so you could just look him up. Is there a Super Cool Guy, Sr.? Maybe.
King Blueberry: As to why he was made in Canada… ummm. I’m sure there’s a company that could answer that. In Canada. You know, where he’s from. Most places that would have manufacturing capabilities to create a mannequin don’t let me anywhere near their factories or bookkeeping. Can’t imagine why.
Joe turns to Sid.
Joe Fontaine: Sid, I need you to Google for an ancestry site for mannequins.
Sid Phillips: No.
Baron von Blackberry: Honestly, I’m not sure the origin of Super Cool Guy the Second. is the issue here. I think the issue is that we have an entity, made out of whatever mannequins are made out of – fiberglass and plastic, I guess – that will stop at nothing to destroy you with the powers of Canada. Think about how terrible a power this is. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Nickelback. Ryan Reynolds. Bryan Adams. Brandon Youngblood. All of Quebec.
King Blueberry: (softly) Oh, that last one’s touchy.
He raises his fist into the air, and shakes it menacingly at whoever is watching from above.
Baron von Blackberry: The powers of Canada are being misused for the sole purpose of Destroyers! As the sovereign leader of the scenic, yet diabolical nation of Fruitsylvania, THIS CANNOT STAND!
King Blueberry: Okay, time-out.
He makes the universal sign for “time-out” with his hands. He also blows an imaginary whistle. King Blueberry is the worst referee.
King Blueberry: I thought all this was supposed to be about some peace accord, but I’m also reasonably certain that you might have just declared war. Is that what’s happening? Am I about to be drafted? How does conscription work for people outside the Fruitsylvanian borders?
King Blueberry: No, I haven’t taken the citizenship test yet. Jesus, why does everyone think that?!
Baron von Blackberry: Yeah, I don’t know why people think you’re from Fruitsylvania, either. You’re clearly from Fruit or Consequences. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, but you understand that as an allied nation, you may be asked for your service against the dreaded power of Canada.
There is a pause.
Baron von Blackberry: But yes, this isn’t about war with Canada. That will happen in time. Oh, yes, the thousand robot armies of Fruitsylvania SHALL SOMEDAY DESCEND upon Canada. Alexander Redding, Barry Delgado, and Brandon Youngblood are ON NOTICE! They shall rue the day they were born within the embrace of a maple leaf. RUE IT! AND WEEP!
Then Blackberry clears his throat, and says.
Baron von Blackberry: Anyway, let’s settle our peace talks between Joe here and your tag team partner, at least.
Joe Fontaine: Don’t just dismiss my complaint! This is an outrage, I tell you!
Sid Phillips: It’s at least a little outrageous.
King Blueberry: Okay, then. Hit me with your terms and we’ll see how it shakes out. What are you looking for here? A cease-fire? An armistice? An… uhh… okay, I seem to have run out of war-related synonyms for detente. OH! Detente. That’s a good one.
Blueberry holds out both hands in a placating gesture.
King Blueberry: Of course, keeping in mind that we’re talking about a mannequin and whatever’s happened so far because of it has been out of my control. First Paxton chucked him, then the second Destroyer was actually Sid’s fault. He’s the one who threw him during the slide challenge. Yell at that guy.
He points to where Sid is seated.
King Blueberry: That guy right there.
His hand is quickly withdrawn. The looming threat of death by powerbomb is omnipresent.
King Blueberry: I don’t really know what happened during the food challenge, and I refuse to watch that tape back, because that shit was gross. But what I’m saying is, basically, “not it!”
Joe Fontaine: I’m not yelling at my own tag partner for your tag partner’s faults! Look, I was willing to pass off the first one as a fluke, and the second one as a coincidence. But the third is a pattern! A pattern of destroying Canada!
Sid Phillips: No, I think it’s called that because the destroying is of Canadian orig– wait, why am I arguing with you about this? God. Look, there’s only one real solution. One very simple solution that will solve all of these problems, and it’s…
Baron von Blackberry: (interrupting) You are not powerbombing the mannequin.
Sid Phillips: Oh, COME ON!
King Blueberry: I mean he can. It’s fine with me.
King Blueberry: No, you don’t get a say in this, actually. And would you please stop interrupting? The adults are talking.
Sid wordlessly stands up from his seat, and goes over to the mannequin. The mannequin stares in terror(?) until Sid hoists him up effortlessly and brings him down with a powerbomb on the conference table. The moment he hits the table, his head pops off and goes flying, and Joe has to duck to avoid somehow getting Canadian Destroyered by a flying mannequin head.
Joe Fontaine: Dude!
Sid raises his arms in triumph after doing the powerbombing deed.
Sid Phillips: YEAAAAAAHHHH!
King Blueberry looks first to the body of Super Cool Guy, then to where the severed mannequin head lays motionless on the floor, and finally to the clock hanging on the wall.
King Blueberry: Yeah. Not fixing that before the scavenger nonsense. So, umm, good luck later. And, I guess, no promises on Canadian destruction. Not like the destruc… oh, the hell with it.
And ReVival moves on…