PILL POPPIN DADDIES

Backstage, a freshened-up Cancer Jiles stands alone, amped up from his decisive victory from earlier tonight. He’s so excited that he’s even considering asking Vince Howard to refer to his hometown as The Beginning of The Card from now on! This is all true except none of it. He isn’t freshened-up, as he’s still trying to break the cycle of being one of the last ones to leave the arena. Therefore, the usual shower is on hold.

As to how he’s spending his time? He’s doom scrolling on his phone, looking for anyone on social media that made a post about his match with Terry Woods, and simply replying the word “crumb” to all of them. No regard for whether it is a positive or negative opinion. Just giving the fans a little interactive experience.

However, The COOL’s productivity is soon interrupted with a welcome distraction. And wouldn’t you know, that welcome distraction has fantastic hair and an incredible sense of fashion. Definitely not as good as Chandler Tsonda’s, but don’t tell him we said that. It’s Abe Lipschitz! He barges forward and extends his arm for a dap.

Abe Lipschitz: Cance! One of the few blonde-haired, blue-eyed people I like! Man, I don’t know where you got that caffy free M.D., but I can’t find that stuff ANYWHERE! You gotta give a guy a lead. 

Jiles simply stares at the extended fist of the Babe, then back at his face, then back at the fist. Abe continues to hold it there, apparently not that concerned that the greeting’s being returned.

Cancer Jiles: When’s your match tonight again?

Abe Lipschitz: I don’t know. I think like now, or something?

Cancer sighs and shakes his head, frustrated that this dummy is slightly higher up the list than he is.

Cancer Jiles: I don’t remember where I found it. Have a great night.

As the Maestro starts to walk away from the scene, Abe halts him in his tracks with a hand on his shoulder. Contemplating a turn and a well-placed yolk spit to the face, he stops short.

Abe Lipschitz: Wait! I wanted to give you something. A token of my appreciation. I think you’ll really like it!

The tone in which Abe delivers the last line was meant to convince Jiles that it was certainly a gift that is really special. However, he really didn’t need to do it – if the former PRIME Universal Champion (emphasis on former) loved anything, it was free shit. Quite honestly the only reason he even went to Costco.

Cancer Jiles: Oh yeah?

Cancer turns around and greedily extends his hand.

Cancer Jiles: Gimme.

Abe Lipschitz: Here you go!

Abe hands Jiles a plastic bottle filled with what looks like chewable Tums. However, as we close in on the label, the product logo reads “MyEggs.” Jiles eyes it up and down before responding to the gesture.

Cancer Jiles: Wait. This isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?

Abe Lipschitz: What? No, of course not! This is the new MyEggs from Cinco Dairy. These babies will provide you with all of the eggs you need without ever having to go to the grocery store again!

Cancer Jiles: Oh. How does it work?

Abe puts his hand over his mouth as if he’s letting the Maestro in on a secret.

Abe Lipschitz: You poo the eggs out of your b-hole.

A dignified nod of approval from his COOLness.

Cancer Jiles: Got it. Thanks, Gabe. This is going to be a great stocking stuffer for Doozer. Wherever he is. In fact, I appreciate the gesture so much it turns out I just so happen to have something for you, too.

Fishing behind his tights, Jiles reveals a pill bottle of his own and shakes it like a pack of Tic Tacs. We won’t get into the logistics of how he kept it back there this whole time, or why he just assumed that he’d bump into Abe and be able to give it to him. These are all mysteries that will be left to solve another day.

Cancer Jiles: These are great. I take them before I have to watch a MAIN EVENT. They stop my nose from bleeding and help reduce the swelling in my brain. That said, the real fun comes when you mix them with other things. Like, say for instance, if you ever manage to find another caffeine free dew, you should take one of these with your drink. You’ll see the stars, Gabe, and I don’t mean that crumb, Nova.

Honest Abe reaches out as if he were taking a balloon from a clown in a sewer. However, before he can conquer his apprehension, Jiles quickly pulls his treat back.

Cancer Jiles: Nah, this stuff is dangerous. I’d hate for you to—

Abe Lipschitz: I’ll be fi—

Cancer Jiles: Okay here you go. Ya know what, take the whole bottle. See ya at the next show. Make sure to bring cash with you.

King COOL spins on a heel, and walks away. An inquisitive and slightly confused Abe shouts out to him while looking down at the bottle.

Abe Lipschitz: Children’s Tylenol? And cash? For what?

The shot ends with Abe and his dumb look.

Oh. 

Dumbfounded look.

We then cut to elsewhere backstage.