RATED M FOR MISCELLANEOUS
Deep in the bowels of Arena Mexico (but not too deep), a certain Hall of Fame wrestler has locked himself away in a bathroom. Jatt Starr stands over the sink looking at himself in the mirror. He looks panicked and pallid. He is in the midst of a minor anxiety attack. His hands are clasped on the side of the porcelain sink. He looks up at himself in the mirror, his eyes welling up, his lip quivers ever so slightly.
Jatt Starr: Calm down. It was a fluke. You’re still the Ruler of Jattlantis, the Thane of Starrkarth, the Sovereign of Starrgentina, the Rembrandt of Wrestling. You can kick out of a roll up.
The Jattinum Standard is unable to convince even himself of that. How can he pep himself up if doesn’t believe a word he is saying? Instead, he looks at the broken, weak, pathetic reflection in the mirror and lets out a pained, angry scream.
Jatt Starr: Try this again….You’re not a fraudulent champion. Dan Ryan has your back, he could have ditched you for someone else, but he’s stuck by you. Natalie wouldn’t have married a loser, she even told you it didn’t matter, it happens, it didn’t make you less of a man….why would she say “less of a man” if she wasn’t already thinking it, right? She saw it…Joe Bergman…JOE BOOGERMAN….roll up for ten seconds….what the hell is wrong with you?! How can you let that happen? You suck! You’re-you’re-you’re an irrelevant fribble! A dunderhead! Imposter!
The Marquis of MadagaStarr’s reverse pep talk is immediately interrupted by some loud banging on the bathroom door. A familiar voice comes from the other side of the door.
Dan Ryan: Jatt! You in there?! We’re up next!
Jatt Starr: Occupied!
Dan Ryan: Are you having a crisis of confidence in there?
Jatt Starr: What?! No! Of course not! I’m so super confident that I’m, uh, pleasuring myself to impure thoughts of….sexy…booby sexy time with….a woman….of awesome boobage….
Jatt froze, no one was coming to mind. Instead, he blurted out the first non-HOW female wrestler that popped in his head….
Jatt Starr: ….Sunny O’Callahan….and I’m feeling really…..conflicted about it….and guilty…
Dan Ryan: Stop messing around and get out here! We’ve got to go…..and wash your hands!
The Mayor of ManJattan looks back at himself in the mirror. He just stares at himself, a couple of seconds turns to five seconds which turns to eleven seconds. Finally, with a scornful glare, disgusted at his own reflection, he sniffs, hocks, and spits a greenish glob of phlegm onto the mirror. As the phlegm oozes down across his reflection in the mirror, he forces his look of contempt into a phony smile.
Jatt Starr: You are the Ruler of Jattlantis, you are the HOTv Co-World Champion, and EN DANICUS JATTICUS VINCIUM will be victorious! Damn, I almost believe it..
The Baron of Boca Jatton buttons his jacket and turns towards the door, patting the HOTv Tag Team Championship, and heads out as the scene ends.