Event: ReVival 4
Event Date: 03/04/2022
Nova and Hayes Hanlon sprint through a backstage corridor of the MGM Grand. They pass an attendant pushing a cart of glassware, and Nova pumps the brakes.
Nova: (gasping for air) Excuse me, have you seen Garbage Bag Johnny?
The attendant grabs a champagne flute out of their cart and flings it against the wall, shattering glass against the concrete wall. Nova and Hayes recoil.
Attendant: Garbage Bag Johnny?! That motherfucker owes me ten-
Nova shoves the attendant against the wall and they keep running.
Nova: (huffing) He has to be here somewhere!
They continue hoofing it down the corridor until Hayes passes a locker room door that has a placard with a pirate skull & crossbones with swashbuckler’s swords crossed over it. Hayes throws out his arm to catch Nova in his tracks.
Nova: (gesturing at his bracelet) Yeah, pirates are cool, I get it! I’m about to be arrested, Hayes!
Hayes Hanlon: I don’t give a shit about pirates! Don’t you smell that?
Hanlon busts the door open to reveal the Dirtiest Dude in PRIME himself, ripping a bong so tall that he has to climb a few rungs up a ladder to reach the mouthpiece. Luckily, he’s tricked out the Muriel Fire Starter Kit, and the risque lighter now shoots a majestically dangerous expulsion of flame that’s able to reach the slider a couple arms lengths away. A myriad of tools–a hammer, a three hole punch, novelty ribbon cutting scissors, a loofah on a stick, a novelty ribbon cutting chainsaw, which is smaller than a regular chainsaw, but in a really cool way, et cetera–that Johnny used to fix the defective lighter surround the bong. GBJ perks up at the sound of the intruders, a thick plume of smoke billowing out of his beard like a forest fire before quickly covering the bong so more can’t escape.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Thank God! One of you mind sliding that bowl out so I can clear this bad boy?
Nova: JOHNNY!! I need your help, buddy, and I mean right the fuck now!
Nova, ignoring GBJ’s request, gestures to the red blinking light still howling on his ankle. Hanlon, however, handles the slider of Johnny’s bong. Johnny heaves deeply and clears the whole thing in one impressive breath.
Nova: I couldn’t think of anyone else, Johnny! Can you hack it…or something?!
Johnny pauses, holding the smoke in his lungs because it gets you higher or some nonsense. Then he expels it all.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Or…COUGH…or some…COUGH COUGH COUGHhold on…COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH! COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH…Jesus….COUGH COUGH…wait a minute. Aren’t you that guy who kicked my ass at ReVolution 125? Nevermind that, y’all helped me, I got just what the doctor ordered.
GBJ climbs down the ladder to survey his tools.
Garbage Bag Johnny: That’s the ticket.
GBJ opts, of course, for the chainsaw, immediately ripping it to life.
Hayes Hanlon: Holy shit! What the hell are you DOING?
Nova: I agree, there’s no ventilation in here!
Hayes takes a step forward, waving off the whole situation.
Hayes Hanlon: (to GBJ) Put that thing down! (to Nova) That…(pointing at bracelet)…is freaking me out! Let’s get it handled!
Garbage Bag Johnny: Alright, alright. How about a softer touch.
GBJ switches the chainsaw for the novelty ribbon cutting scissors. He struggles to get one of the arms between Nova’s leg and the ankle bracelet, but manages to do so to Nova’s mild discomfort. However, as soon as he applies some pressure to the scissors, they break apart.
Garbage Bag Johnny: This is not going to look good at the ribbon cutting ceremony I have booked for later.
Suddenly there’s a loud banging on the door.
Voice: CLARK COUNTY PROBATION AND PAROLE! OPEN THE DOOR!!
Nova takes a knee, shaking his head.
Nova: (hanging his head in his hands) Ohhhh, here we go.
Notorious for his quick thinking, GBJ grabs a thick black tablecloth off the table behind him and pulls it over his head. Without warning he steps one leg over Nova’s shoulder, then the other, draping the black cloth over his shoulders so that it hangs down and covers Nova..
Nova: What the…
Garbage Bag Johnny: Shut up, you’re my legs now.
Garbage Bag Johnny: And you, kid. You’re my parole officer.
Hayes Hanlon: Yup. I’m definitely getting us all arrested.
Garbage Bag Johnny: And I’m Roscoe Rebel, World’s Tallest Patriot!
Voice: WE’RE COMI-
Hayes takes a breath and furiously tucks in his shirt before giving himself a couple slaps on the cheek. He yanks open the door and several men in grey collared shirts tumble into the room.
Supervisor: We’re monitoring Caesar Vega and his monitor is going off right here! Where is he?
Hayes Hanlon: I…ah…
Garbage Bag Johnny: (shouting) IT’S MY BRACELET! FROM FIGHTIN’ AGAINST TYRANNY!
Nova shoots his leg out underneath the black tablecloth. His unit blinks a foreboding red. The DOC officers stare at it suspiciously.
Supervisor: Our system says Vega’s unit is going off right here. Like, RIGHT here.
Hanlon takes another breath…and rolls with it. He jerks a thumb up at the black-clothed GBJ monstrosity.
Hayes Hanlon: This is MY offender, been on my watch since the whole January 6th thing. His unit goes haywire on the daily, I haven’t had a date since! I’d get lost, boys, this guy will open you up and show you your insides real quick.
Garbage Bag Johnny: (still shouting) I TOOK A CRAP SO BIG IT BROKE NANCY PELOSI’S DESK IN HALF!
Supervisor: (staring down at his tablet) But…but the bracelet…I can literally see…
Hanlon gently places a hand over the supervisor’s tablet and stares him in the face.
Hayes Hanlon: I told you, this bracelet is on the fritz. It’s screwing up your GPS. Go home. This is my guy. I’ll let you know if I see anything.
Supervisor: (eyes narrowing) Which office are you from?
Hayes Hanlon: Ah…the…
Hayes resets his acting skills, and leans in close.
Hayes Hanlon: The other one.
There’s an uncomfortable pause as The Event Horizon’s lip curls up. After a moment, the supervisor waves off his men, and they exit.
Hayes Hanlon: (pausing, then exhaling in relief) Hoooomygod I can’t believe that worked. Okay, we’re good.
Nova explodes through the bottom of the black sheet, gagging.
Nova: You…you can’t imagine what it was like under there…
Garbage Bag Johnny: (shrugging) I know I went off-script but that was still some pretty good stuff, right? Nova? I painted my fucking masterpiece with that…
Nova sprays vomit across the floor.
Nova: (wiping his beard) I…I appreciate you, buddy.
Hanlon points down to Nova’s ankle. The Risen Star’s ankle bracelet is blinking green again.
Hayes Hanlon: What the-
GBJ pumps his fists in the air.
Garbage Bag Johnny: I DID IT!!
Nova collapses into a nearby folding chair.
Nova: This fucking thing is gonna be the death of me.
Hayes Hanlon: (throwing his hands up) Okay, to hell with it. Bar?
Nova and GBJ look at each other, then back at Hanlon.
Nova & Garbage Bag Johnny: Bar.