**The following public service announcement has been paid for with Hayes Hanlon’s lunch money.
Then, the faint and ominous sound of Latin church hymns.
De homine equis,
Et tu nome padre,
Spiritus de sante….
Voiceover: Are you currently having trouble at work, home, the bedroom, with your parole officer, on the softball field, being seen, or changing a lightbulb? If so, take a deep breath and prepare to wash all your troubles away.
The Latin church hymns come to a stop.
A picture of a dilapidated outhouse appears on screen.
Voiceover: MESSIAH WANTS YOU!
The door of the outhouse swings open, and out steps Head of MESSIAH relations, Julian Bathory. Well, it’s someone disguised as Julian Bathory: Silly scruff beard. Silly wig. Silly ceremonial gown. Silly piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Coincidentally, he’s also wearing Cancer Jiles’ T-Shades.
Jiles Cancory: Hi, my name is Jibbering Bitchboy. Not only am I the proud leader of MESSIAH, but I’ve never appeared in the MAIN EVENT before.
A huge MESSIAH thumbs up.
Jiles Cancory: I want you to know that I too was once like you. Sad. Miserable. Pathetic. Tiny penis. However, after I embraced the way of the Dark Arts my troubles were fully lobotomized. Most anyway. Those enhancement pills never worked. Anyway, now I lead, and other people follow. I’m important. Respected.
Another huge, MESSIAH thumbs up.
Jiles Cancory: I know. How can this be? How can a crumb like myself go on to be Violin Jack’s hero? Well, I’ll tell you. When you join MESSIAH you undergo extensive group therapy known as “Fapping”. It is a cutting edge, patent pending conversion technique that MESSIAH has mastered. Think Seven Minutes in Heaven, but for incells.
Cut to Violence Jack for a testimonial. Yeah, it’s another imposter. You can tell because Bobby is so lazy he forgot to put the disguise on, and instead simply draped it across his shoulders.
Violence Bob: JOIN US! Bring donuts.
And there’s that, too.
Cut back to Cancory.
Jiles Cancory: All it takes is a hundred dollar donation to join MESSIAH today! Not only that, JOIN NOW and you’ll receive a personalized MESSIAH cup commemorating your pledge.
Jiles Cancory: You might be thinking wow, that’s pretty cool. Well, it gets even better. When the time is right and I finally do get to the MAIN EVENT, those who have pledged will be invited to join me at the Festival of Tears.
More fake applause.
Jiles Cancory: Once there, we will celebrate by filling our commemorative cups from the FOUNTAIN of CRAPATHIA, and toast the Savior of the New World!
Cut to a random MESSIAH FOLLOWER for another testimonial. Yeah, it’s Doozer. He’s holding some cup a homeless person would be using to ask for spare change. It even has his name written in crayon on the side of it. It is probably filled with Metamucil.
MESSIAHer: Not only did I get my cup, but when I’m holding it people can see me! JOIN NOW!
Cut back to the outhouse. Cancory, Violence Bob, and MESSIAHer are now all together. All of them have cool cups. All are smiling.
The mESSIAH Bandits: JOIN NOW!
**Please send all checks/donuts to the Ivory Tower, MGM Grand, Las Vegas.