REZIN vs. BALAAM THE MASK OF MALICE
Without a thought, without a spare moment for Nick Stuart or Richard Parker to get a word in edgewise, we see Rezin BURST through the curtain at maximum speed!
Rezin: MOVE IT OR LOSE IT! AAAAAAAH!
He’s sprinting at full velocity – no music plays, no dramatic lighting. In short order, Balaam powerfully thrusts the curtains aside. Seeing Rezin, he makes a beeline of his own to catch up to the Goat Bastard.
Richard Parker: Could’ve seen THIS coming, eh partner?
Nick Stuart: We saw what just happened in gorilla, Richard, and if I were a betting man, I would say some wrath is coming!
Vince Howard hastily grabs the microphone and does his best “End Of Pharmaceutical Side Effects May Include” impression.
Vince Howard: Ladiesandgentlementhisboutisscheduledforonefall REZIN! BALAAM THE MASK OF MAL-
Before Vince can finish any semblance of introductions, Rezin has scampered through the bottom rope into the ring. Balaam is hot on his heels, and as he enters himself, Rezin goes to slip through the ropes on the opposite side of the ring – but he gets tangled in the ropes! His legs are caught and he’s dangling outside! Balaam is able to grab a loose limb and drag his foe into the ring. Rezin scrambles to try to slip out of Balaam’s grasp but ends up getting healed across the ring! Referee Timo Bolamba enforces enough space for Rezin to get to one foot and then immediately signals for the bell!
DING DING
Nick Stuart: Balaam didn’t even wait for that second bell from our illustrious timekeeper – he just LEVELED Rezin with a charging European Uppercut! Knife edge chops now from the big man!
If Rezin was a tree, he’d be split in half by know with the force of chop after chop from Balaam. Rezin crumples to a heap in the corner as Balaam takes a few steps back to build space between himself and his opponent, before charging in and diving shoulder first! Corner spear!
Richard Parker: I’m on record with my love of the glorious and perfect Pontiff of PRI – holy hell is Rezin getting worked over!
Balaam rams his shoulder into Rezin’s guts two more times for good measure as Timo Bolamba gives his five count, which Balaam breaks at 4.9. Balaam backs up and builds up yet another head of steam, only for Rezin to duck the lariat! Rezin scrambles his ass off to get to an offensive position and begins throwing some stiff calf kicks into the giant before him – the PRIMEates hear the SMACK~ of each successive kick, but if he feels pain, Balaam doesn’t show it! He steps forward stoically as Rezin’s kicks make their way higher and higher up his body – into the thighs, then into the belly!
Nick Stuart: Rezin showing a lot of grit and resilience against the big man, but so far it looks like there’s still a lot of mountain to climb!
Rezin: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Rezin swings around for a Hail Mary Cloven Hoof Kick, which Balaam catches! Balaam maintains leg control and wraps his forearm around the back of Rezin’s head – FISHERMAN SUPLEX! Rezin scrambles to get up but stumbles hard and tangles himself in the ropes. Balaam charges – HUGE knee strike to the back of Rezin’s neck and head! Rezin stumbles more and tries to gain any sense of footing – HEART PUNCH by Balaam!
Nick Stuart: First cover of the contest! One, two – Rezin kicks out!
Richard Parker: Where is Hoyt to smite this slippery bastard?
Frustrated that the match isn’t yet over, Balaam gets in Timo’s face! To Bolamba’s credit, he stands up to the big man and points to the referee stripes he’s wearing. Rezin seizes the moment and scoots behind Balaam and attempts…
Nick Stuart: SCHOOLBOY – wait a second.
Richard Parker: Balaam’s too big for this, Rezin, you dummy.
OHHHHHH!
Balaam seizes the opportunity before him and rather than falling to his back in a schoolboy attempt, SITS squarely on Rezin’s chest! It’s flush enough for a pinfall attempt!
Nick Stuart: Another COVER! Rezin squirts out again!
Richard Parker: (cringing) Please don’t ever say “squirts” again, Nick.
Rezin rolls away as best as he can, clutching his entire torso. Balaam raises a fist and lets out a mighty roar, which is only met by boos. Is that a “Rezin! Rezin! Rezin!” chant we hear?
After a beat, Rezin has gotten back to a knee and a foot, using the ropes for all the dear leverage he can get. Balaam doesn’t allow him to get his full footing beneath him, grasping him by the shoulders and hurling him bodily across the ring!
Nick Stuart: That was a BRADLEY Biel of a throw there!
Suddenly, Rezin seems to have gained a second wind, and he sprints towards Balaam! Balaam sticks out his arm for a clothesline, which Rezin ducks! Rezin bounces off the ropes – another failed clothesline from Balaam, and now Rezin is at full sprint with Balaam on roller skates! BIG flying dropkick from Rezin square into Balaam’s chest that pushes him into the ropes! Rezin goes back and builds up more steam – Balaam swings in for a Bell Clap and misses with a mighty CRACK~! as Rezin seems to chuckle to himself…the ringside mic picks up something…
Rezin: Love you Hank!
…as Rezin LEAPS and drops Balaam with a flipping neckbreaker! The crowd is on their feet as Balaam is taken off his feet for the first time in the entire match! Rezin goes for the cover-
Nick Stuart: One-OHHHHHH!
Richard Parker: Hahahaha he heaved Rezin off his chest like Jesus heaved the Nemean Lion into the Dead Sea.
Nick Stuart: That absolutely did not happen, Richard, but Rezin’s onto something here, I think – he’s clearly the faster wrestler, and as long as he can maintain space and pepper him with these big – OH NO!
Balaam has Rezin in a full goozle choke. The Escape Artist is fighting and scrambling and squirming HARD, but Balaam’s grip is mighty as he gets to his feet! He pushes his smaller foe across the ring, into the ropes, and eventually spills him over the ropes entirely! Rezin is sent crashing into the apron, then rolling onto the floor! He tries to get to his feet and fails, stumbling and rolling more and more!
Rezin: GOD – AHHH! DAMBIT, BAL-AHHHH!
Rezin almost seems to be fully upright before he just stumbles all over himself and flip-bumps onto the floor. He almost gets his full bearings one more time before his own stony momentum sends him crashing over the barricade into the crowd! A few front row fans have full concession stand accouterments like popcorn, nachos, hot dogs with ketchup, beer – many succeed at saving them, some fail. Bolamba is stupefied and only now begins to think that he should begin a 10 count back into the ring. The fans nearest to Rezin are first to see a major problem…
Nick Stuart: Hey hey hey! That’s Joe Burro and Duke Williams! They’re in the crowd!
Richard Parker: And lo, unto us, Hoyt has sent a miracle!
Having made their way to ringside through the PRIMEates after the altercation backstage, Burro and Williams stalk their way towards Rezin, “The Tailor of PRIME” spraying Febreze in the air as they advance. Balaam makes a point to grab Timo Bolamba’s attention as they do.
CLANG!!
The loud sound draws the attention of both Bolamba and Balaam, whose eyes both dart ringside to where they last saw Rezin. Burro and Williams seem to have just gotten to Rezin, though both men signal to the ref that they didn’t do anything at all. Rezin’s face peeks above the barricade, and Bolamba sees a red smear across his forehead…
Timo Bolamba: DISQUALIFICATION! RING THE BELL!
DING DING DING!
Balaam is LIVID! Burro and Williams shout in protest that they did nothing wrong!
Vince Howard: Here is your winner, REZIN!!!!!
Nick Stuart: Hold on, what just happened??
Richard Parker: I have no idea, Richard, but the father and associate of Hoyt Williams are as upstanding of citizens as they come.
Rezin stumbles over the barricade and lightly jogs to get some space between himself, Burro, and Williams…before spotting another fan with a hot dog in the crowd.
Rezin: Can I borrow that?
The fan is more than eager to relinquish his frankfurter. Rezin smears the hot dog across his forehead and takes a substantial bite and winks at Balaam.
Nick Stuart: Wait a minute…you don’t THINK…
Richard Parker: THAT’S KETCHUP! Timo, restart the match immediately, Balaam has been robbed!
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it! Where there’s a wily son of a gun, there’s a way!
Rezin takes another glorious chomp from his hot dog as Balaam works to figure out where to focus his rage – in this moment, it’s everywhere.
Nick Stuart: You can say many things about Rezin – he is resilient, he never says die, and by God is he quick to find solutions on the fly!
Richard Parker: Rest assured, Hoyt is going to have something to say about this. And I, for one, can’t wait!
Nick Stuart: We will have more action in a bit, but first, this!