RIA LOCKHART VS. DAYTONA DIAMONDS VS. BOBBY DEAN
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
All the explosions fill the PPG Arena. The camera zooms around and catches a number of signs!
SPACE FOR PYRO AND SIGNS AND THE WHAT HAVE YOU
SID PHILLIPS BOUGHT 100 TICKETS TO OPPENHEIMER BECAUSE HE HEARD IT WAS ABOUT “THE POWER OF BOMBS”
I AM KEN(NY FREEMAN)OUGH
I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT 1/12TH OF THE POPULATION EXPERIENCES CUCKHOLDERY
JASON ALDEAN LICKS BOOTS
THE GLUE MAN GROUP OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE POWERBOMB
MAX KALE? BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MY LUNCH AT SWEETGREEN WAIT WHERE ARE YOU G
I REALLY ENJOY THE NEWEST PRIME STAFF MEMBER, SAVANNAH SCANDAL, AND LOOK FORWARD TO MORE HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS IN THE FUTURE!
FUCK NATE COLTON
Nick Stuart: Welcome yet again to REVIVAL, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for joining us for this thirty-third edition of PRIME Wrestling’s flagship show! Nick Stuart here, joined as always by my longtime partner and associate, Richard Parker! The air is absolutely electric tonight here in Pittsburgh! Wouldn’t you agree, Rich?
Richard Parker: Oh, is that what that smell is? You know, I heard this place has the most bridges of any city. And you know what that means, right?
Nick Stuart: What?
Richard Parker: It means this place has more trolls than any other city! And I believe it! Get a load of all these mutants that came out tonight!
Nick Stuart: Ugh… in any case, fans, we have a great show planned for you this evening! The Five Star Championship will be on the line in tonight’s main event, following a slew of tremendous match-ups! But first…
Cut to the graphic previewing the contestants to the opening threeway.
Nick Stuart: We’re kicking the action off tonight with triple threat action! Ria Lockhart makes her highly anticipated return to PRIME! Newcomer Daytona Diamonds makes his debut! And Bobby Dean… um…
Richard Parker: …Bobby will do what Bobby does best.
Nick Stuart: No better way of putting it than that, partner. Let’s go to our man in the ring, Vince Howard!
As the ring announcer stands ready in the ring, “Goin’ Out West” by Tom Waits comes in over the PA. The fans crane their necks toward their entrance to get their first look at Daytona Diamonds. Daytona emerges out from the back in an eye-catching fitting rhinestone cowboy suit. From head to toe, he is covered in white and flashing stones. His expression is dour as he comes down the aisleway toward the ring, ignoring the fans and focusing on the ring.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, our opening event is a triple threat contest! Introducing the first competitor, hailing from Carson City, Nevada, and weighing in at two-hundred and forty-five pounds… making his PRIME debut, please welcome… THE RHINESTONE COWBOY… DAYTONAAAA DIAAAAMOOOOONDSSS!!
Richard Parker: …well dang. I was kinda expecting them to be… well, you know…
Nick Stuart: What? When you heard the name “Daytona Diamonds”, were you expecting to be a woman?
Richard Parker: Look, I know I can’t be the only one! Who the hell names their kid “Daytona”, anyway?
Nick Stuart: He’s a generational talent, Richard! One who’s developed quite a name for himself in the independent wrestling promotions of the American Southwest!
Once inside the ring, Daytona begins the process of discarding his outfit. As he does, the music is replaced with “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito. Bobby Dean emerges from the back, greeted by an enthusiastic pop from the endearing and faithful members of the Dean Scene.
If there is such a thing.
Vince Howard: Introducing next, hailing from Houston, Texas, and (allegedly) weighing in at a mere three-hundred and sixty-nine pounds… BEAUTIFUL… BOBBY… DEEEEEAAAAANNNN!!
Nick Stuart: “Beautiful” Bobby Dean suffered defeat back at ReVival 31 at the hands of rising star Adam Ellis, who we’ll see in action later tonight! No doubt, Bobby is looking to bounce back with a win here tonight!
Richard Parker: I’m not sure it would be a bounce, so much as a flop and a roll. Thankfully, though, Cancer’s not with him…
Nick Stuart: No, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’ll be seeing the COOLympian in action later tonight.
Richard Parker: Ugh, don’t remind me…
Nick Stuart: Regardless of wherever he may sit in the pecking order, Bobby Dean’s affable charisma seemingly never wanes. But it remains to be seen if he can bring a smile to Cancer Jiles face with a victory here tonight.
Richard Parker: Then I suppose I’ll be quietly cheering for his defeat, because the last thing I EVER want to think about is Cancer Jiles smiling! That bum doesn’t deserve to feel pleased by anything!
Dean bumbles his way to ringside and struggles to pull himself in under the ropes. In his corner, Daytona Diamonds looks him over in a mixture of stoic disgust and incredulity. But just then…
“I’m So Hot” by Chrissy Chlapecka booms over the PA system, leading the PRIME faithful to shower down boos. Despite that, there’s a few that rush to the front row, cellphones in hand. As the beat drops, Ria Lockhart saunters out from the backstage area.
Wearing an extravagant white leather coat with a sparkling golden shawl sewn in, there’s also golden tassels attached to the sleeves and around the bottom. Covering her eyes are an expensive pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses. The frames are white and metallic, the lenses are gold and mirrored.
Vince Howard: And finally… hailing from PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA!!
The MASSIVE hometown pop overpowers the jeers. Lockhart rolls her eyes in disgust.
Vince Howard: She weighs in at one-hundred and fifty pounds! Making her long anticipated return to PRIME Wrestling, please welcome back… the RI-I-P… RIIIIAAAAA LOOOOCKHAAAAAART!!
Ria sashays down to ringside, doing her best to keep anyone from touching her as she does. Ria stops at the steps. She emphatically pulls her glasses off, making sure to tuck them into the inside pocket of her jacket. Lockhart slowly slides her jacket off, revealing her body in dramatic fashion. Once the jacket is off, Ria folds it up and tosses it into the corner underneath the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Big hometown ovation for the returning Ria Lockhart, even if she doesn’t seem openly receptive to it!
Richard Parker: I won’t lie, Nick… I’m digging this new vibe Ria has going on. I dunno where she’s been, but she’s clearly brought back some improved drip!
Nick Stuart: The Ri-I-P certainly has an air of self-assurance about her. It will be interesting to see how she performs tonight, or if ring rust will play a factor.
Richard Parker: Well, given she’s going up against bubble-butt Bobby and… whoever the hell this Glenn Campbell guy is, I’d say she’s got a solid opportunity to make a powerful first step in her second run here in PRIME.
Nick Stuart: “Powerful” doesn’t do it justice, partner. Look at those platforms! I can feel them stomp from all the way over here!
The RiIP climbs the steps and onto the ring apron. She takes a few sensuous steps before throwing a leg over the middle rope. Ria bends over to slide her upper body inside, taking her sweet time in doing so, giving people a show. She finally swings her other leg inside.
Ria walls over to the corner, fluffing her hair for a moment. She leans back against the turnbuckle pads, one foot resting against the bottom rope.
Nick Stuart: Our presiding official, Jimmy Turnbull, has checked out the competitors and looks ready to get this underway!
Richard Parker: Well then, without further ado…
Jimmy gives the cue to the timekeeper.
DING DING
The trio of competitors come out of their corners. Daytona is crisp and energetic, looking to encircle either of his opponents. Ria is also on her toes, albeit beckoning the other two to make the first move. Bobby, somewhat expectedly, leisurely walks to the center of the ring and waits for the action to come to him.
Ria finally gets fed up waiting for someone else to make the first move, and opting for the devil she knows, she suddenly throws herself upon Dean with a flurry of strikes and slaps. Cringing up, the Deaner goes on the defensive and attempts to cover up. Daytona Diamonds slinks back into a corner and observes the waylaying from afar.
Nick Stuart: Ria Lockhart is breaking the ice here tonight, taking it right to Bobby Dean! She’s got him backed into the corner now, and she’s trying for the Irish whip!
Richard Parker: “Trying” being the operative word. Gonna take a whole lot of elbow grease to get all that girth a-goin’.
Nevertheless, the RiIP grabs him by the wrist, digs her heels in deep, and pulls with all her might to get the nearly movable object moving. Bobby chugs across the ring like an out of control Mack truck with failing brakes, and Daytona Diamonds rolls out of the opposite corner before he can be crushed against it. Bobby unleashes a resounding “OOF!” the moment his chest hits the top turnbuckle.
On a knee, Diamonds eyes Lockhart across the ring, flicking her fingers to dare him into taking his shot. Then he sees Bobby clumsily staggering backwards out of the corner, and an idea comes to him. Quickly, he puts himself in front of Bobby and pushes forward. Dean’s aloof backpedal soon accelerates into an oncoming avalanche as Daytona returns Ria’s volley back across the ring.
Richard Parker: Make way! Wide load!
Finding herself suddenly trapped in the corner, Ria’s hands snag the ropes to assist a rolling backward somersault to the top mere seconds before Dean’s back engrosses itself into the turnbuckles. Bobby ejaculates with a beleaguered “WHEEZE!” as his mass absorbs yet another collision.
Perched upon the top rope, Lockhart blows Daytona a kiss before flipping off into a senton.
Nick Stuart: Ria with the ASTROJUNK–NO!! Daytona ducks at the second, and he gets out of dodge!
Richard Parker: A Texas tradition!
Nick Stuart: Gunsmoke was in Kansas, Rich…
Richard Parker: …what the hell is “Gunsmoke”?
As mentioned, Diamonds takes a powder to ringside after barely avoiding an early finish. The RiIP glares down on him in disgust from her place in the ring, cattily accusing the Rhinestone Cowboy of lacking a spine. Or possibly some other part of the anatomy. But with Daytona out of reach, she turns her attention to the matter of–
Nick Stuart: BOBBY DEAN!! Getting into the action with a running shoulder block!
Richard Parker: Not sure I’d agree with your use of the word “shoulder” there, partner! That was more of the flank than the chuck, if you ask me.
Nick Stuart: Whatever the case, it put the unsuspecting Ria Lockhart to the mat, and now Bobby Dean has the rare chance to actually capitalize on this!
Ria lies shaken on the mat. The last thing she expected was to turn around into a human train engine barreling its way out of the corner. Dean lumbers his way into the ropes for some much needed momentum, and slaps his elbow on the return.
Richard Parker: Oh lawd, he comin’!
Lockhart’s focus returns at the sound of approaching heavy footfalls, and know she has only precious seconds to get out of the way.
However…
Nick Stuart: Wait! Daytona Diamonds, from the outside, has ahold of Ria’s ankle!
She squirms to free herself, but it’s too late. Her upper body disappears beneath Bobby Dean’s armpit as he topples down upon her with a three-hundred and sixty-nine (nice…) pound elbow drop.
Conveniently, he doesn’t have to get up immediately, as official Jimmy Turnbull sees Lockart’s shoulders on the canvas.
Nick Stuart: Bobby with the cover on Ria after that earth-shaking elbow drop!
ONE!
TWO!
NO! Broken up by Daytona Diamonds, who saw the perfect opportunity to jump back into the fray!
Diamonds follows up his slide-in forearm with an onslaught of sharp stomps to the back of Bobby’s head. With the Beautiful one fully dazed as he sits himself up, Daytona takes a bounce into the ropes to build a head of steam for a basement dropkick to Bobby’s mush!
Nick Stuart: Hard dropkick by Daytona Diamonds! I hear he calls that one the Boot Scootin’ Boogie!
Richard Parker: Funny… that’s the term I use whenever I step in a pile of dog crap.
Nick Stuart: That happen often with you?
Richard Parker: My friend, you have no idea…
Daytona wants to keep up the pressure, but huffs when he notices Ria beginning to pick herself up off the mat. He greets her with a knife edge chop as she makes it to her feet before trapping her around the face to set her up for a reverse STO…
But being perfectly familiar with the move herself, Ria scouts it and plants her knee. Daytona cries out in pain as he drops himself into an agonizing backbreaker, right before the RiIP yanks him back up into her grasp.
Nick Stuart: BACKBREAKER to REVERSE STO COMBINATION by Ria Lockhart, who quickly makes the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
Diamonds kicks out!
Daytona breaks free from the pin and rolls over to his side to catch his breath, but doesn’t get much of a reprieve before Ria’s platform heels scrape their way across his face a few times. Choosing to stick with the theme, Lockhart wrangles Diamonds back onto his feet before dumping him into the corner and parking that same heel right into his neck.
Turnbull calls for a break (although really, is there DQ in a triple threat?), but Ria milks the choke for all it’s worth while Daytona spasms against the turnbuckle in an effort to free himself. Salvation eventually comes, from the unlikeliest of places…
Nick Stuart: Bobby Dean is back on his feet!
Richard Parker: Nothing short of a miracle that he was able to do that at all…
Nick Stuart: And now Ria finds herself caught up in a full nelson!
Ria curses as she squirms around in an effort to free himself. Despite Bobby’s extra buttery coating, his hands are interlocked and his grip his ironclad. Lockhart then sees Daytona hanging off the ropes, gasping for breath, and decides to make use of him by kicking off his chest into a graceful backflip to land behind the Deaner.
Nick Stuart: REVERSAL!
Richard Parker: Ria hasn’t lost her step!
Bobby slowly turns around in time for the RiIP to pounce upon him, wringing her hands around the back of his neck and tucking her knees up to bring the Beautiful one down with a picturesque chinbreaker!
Nick Stuart: BOTCHED BEAUTY!! Ria got ALL of that! Bobby Dean hits the mat like a ton of bricks!
Richard Parker: Two tons. At least.
Nick Stuart: Ria throws herself across the chest for the cover! Will that do it?!
ONE!
TWO!
THR–NO!! BROKEN UP BY DAYTONA DIAMONDS!!
Richard Parker: This ol’ cowboy always knows how to be in the right place at the right time!
The running knee strike comes in at the eleventh hour, and presumably comes at the expense of much of Daytona’s energy, but it only serves to piss Ria off. Diamonds leans against the ropes, again attempting to catch his breath, as the RiIP bursts to her feet and charges at him in a murderous rage.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t predict Diamonds dropping down and pulling the top rope with him. Momentum carries Ria Lockart over the ropes and crashing to the ringside floor.
Nick Stuart: Ria falling out of the ring, as Daytona Diamonds makes a swift and timely counter!
Richard Parker: Now all he has to do is lasso the steer.
Daytona turns, and spots Bobby groggily picking his mass back up off the mat and onto his beleaguered feet. Seeing his window, Daytona Diamonds darts in, reaches back to ensnare the head in a three-quarter bulldog, and drops into a picturesque Diamond Cutter.
Nick Stuart: HOW THE WEST WAS WON!!
Richard Parker: Wonderful movie, Nick, but what’s that gotta do with wrestling?
Nick Stuart: It’s the name of the move, partner!
Bobby rears up off the impact, and stands frozen for a beat–head tilted upward, rolling eyes gazing into the lights. Then, with a thunderous boom on par with a felled redwood, his body crashes into the canvas. Diamonds hurriedly begins the labor of rolling him onto his back, while at ringside, the recovering Ria Lockhart comes to realize what is happening.
Instinct kicks in. Ria scrambles up on the apron. Meanwhile, Daytona Diamonds finally gets Bobby onto his shoulders and lays himself across the big man’s flabby chest.
Richard Parker: I think we have our winner, Nick!
Nick Stuart: Will Daytona Diamonds pick up the win in his PRIME debut?!
ONE!!
TWO!!
Dayton sees something blocking out the light above him, and desperately rolls to the side.
Nick Stuart: ASTROJUNK!! ASTROJUNK BY RIA LOCKHART!!
Richard Parker: OUTTA NOWHERE!!
Bobby’s eyes bulge and legs kick when Ria’s flipping senton bomb from the top rope hits its mark on his chest. Even the multiple layers of padding can’t fully absorb its impact. He wheezes in pain for a moment before going fully limp.
Cackling triumphantly, the RiIP bounds back to her feet and turns to finish the–
Nick Stuart: DAYTONA WITH HOW THE WEST WAS WON ON RIA!!
Richard Parker: Scratch what I said earlier, cause that was even MORE OUTTA NOWHERE!
Lockhart sprawls one way, falling into the ropes, and Diamonds the other, falling across Bobby’s chest once again. Jimmy Turnbull drops to the mat to make the count.
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
DING DING DING
“Going Out West” hits the PA. The Pittsburgh crowd, somewhat dejected after what they hoped would be a victory for the hometown hero, jeer the result. Daytona pops to his feet and falls in the ropes, ecstatic and overjoyed. Seated on the mat and still clutching her chin, Lockhart’s face fills with appalled fury.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, by pinfall… the RHINESTONE COWBOY… DAAYTOONAAAAAAA DIIIIIIIIIIIAAMOOOONNDDSSS!!
Nick Stuart: Sweet victory for Daytona Diamonds in his first PRIME match!
Richard Parker: I’ll say. Guy looks like he just won the lottery!
Nick Stuart: I thought for certain there for a minute that Ria Lockhart was going to pull it out! Instead, she was denied victory here in her hometown of Pittsburgh!
Richard Parker: Can’t say I’m not just a bit personally let down. But at the same time, glad to see these fuglies out in the crowd left disappointed, cause I think there’s an unspoken rule about not feeding the trolls.
Nick Stuart: Would you knock it off with this “troll” business? Pittsburgh is a fine city!
Richard Parker: I can’t walk into a single establishment in this place without being barraged by a gaggle of knuckle-dragging dude-bros in black and yello, Nick. It’s a craphole. Stop lying to yourself.
Nick Stuart: Well, be as it may, Daytona Diamonds comes away from this one victorious! And Ria Lockhart comes away FURIOUS! And Bobby… is… well…
Richard Parker: …Bobby’s gonna be fine.
Nick Stuart: I’m sure he is, partner. We’ve only dipped our toes into the action, ladies and gentlemen, but before the next match, let’s very briefly head to the back!
Turnbull raises Diamonds’ arm in victory, but he doesn’t linger around long when he notices Ria getting to her feet and looking for payback. After he slips outside, she instead turns her ire onto Bobby with a litany of angry stomps. Jimmy attempts to intervene, but almost gets taken out himself in the process.
Walking back up the rampway, Daytona’s face is that of a gambler who just hit the jackpot. We then cut backstage to two of the most hated men in PRIME today.