RIA LOCKHART vs. SAGE PONTIFF
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION, SIGNS!
🎶 START SPREADING THE NEWS… 🎶
DOESN’T LOOK LIKE WE’RE IN VEGAS ANYMORE
I CHALLENGE RAY RAY FOR THE HONOR OF BEING TIMO’S KID
GIMME MY MONEY, DAD!
IVAN’S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG IS SILENT (BUT DEADLY) NIGHT
FU REUNION AT COOLOSSUS!
SONNY SILVER IS A FUCK
MIKE MCGEE DOESN’T REFILL THE COFFEE POT AFTER HE DRINKS THE LAST CUP
REPOSEZ EN PAIX, FLAMBERGE
DEAR DR. REFORM
SHOULD IT BEND THIS MUCH?
I NEED A TICKET FOR NIGHT TWO
IT HAS BEEN 14 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST ANNOUNCE TABLE DESTRUCTION!
Let’s kick it over to Nick and Richard!
Nick Stuart: Madison Square Garden. The most famous arena in the world. This is Colossus 2022. I am Nick Stuart. With me, as always, is my broadcast partner, Richard Parker. Rich, did you think we’d be here, right now?
Richard Parker: By the divine grace of Hoyt Williams, I did not, at least I didn’t 18 months ago. But as much of a crab as I can be at times, Nick, well, there’s no other place I’d rather be than right here, with you, calling the biggest wrestling show of the year.
The lights to the arena shut off suddenly, causing the crowd to buzz. A spotlight focuses on the top of the ramp, while many in the crowd raise their cell phones. The arena has been transformed into something resembling the dark night sky. “This is Me” begins to play, but it’s a different version, a piano cover. As the song twinkles along, the arena audience keeps their energy of anticipation high. When the chords of the chorus start, she finally makes her way out.
Ria Lockhart is here, and she’s ready for battle. She’s dressed in black from head to toe; black canvas boots, black leather pants with pink accents, black leather bra top with attached collar and pink accents, black mask with pink ivy design and a sleeveless leather jacket, deep hood covering most of Ria’s head. She stalks towards the ring, eyes laser focused forward as the crowd roars with approval.
She pauses a few feet from the ring, staring intensely at the battleground. She moves, methodically rounding the corner to climb the steps. In the ring she goes, much quicker than her walk had been. Ria rips her hood down, gaze locked on the opposite corner. Anger seems to radiate off her body as she waits for the opening bell.
Vince Howard: Introducing first, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 156 pounds, she is “Rainbow Rock…” Ria… LOCKHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!
Nick Stuart: Ria looks like she’s ready to kick off Colossus with some violence.
Richard Parker: All because Sage Pontiff wanted to spread his peace and love. I think it’s a traveshamockery if you ask me.
Nick Stuart: Richard Parker, bringing us into 2004, everyone.
At first, darkness hits. Every light in the arena goes out, causing a buzz among the crowd and a few cellphone camera lights. The video screen shows a single glowing orb at the top of the screen. Lavender. Then another beneath it, blue. Teal. Green. Yellow. Orange. Finally, red–and then around it, the shimmering outline of a human body in lotus position. This hold on the screen as an almost marching drumbeat begins, pulsing throughout the arena.
Lights come up, pink in tone, as what appear to be flower petals begin to rain down from the rafters, all in time with a psychedelic drone of distorted guitar noise. As the solo of what could very well be an electric sitar begins, a figure walks out from the back. More accurately, he damn near glides. His neck is hanging with the weight of what seem to be many different strands of prayer beads. He is barefoot, his calf length, baggy pants a frankly offensive patchwork of tie dye, paisley, and other patterns. Hanging to the floor is a long, linen kimono in pure white.
Sage Pontiff has arrived, and he throws his head back, practically bathing in the rain of flower petals.
There is no up or down
Your truth is the only master
Death is made by the living
Pain is only intense to you…
He begins to slowly make his way down the ramp, occasionally twirling and oftentimes doing respectful bows to certain members of the audience, kissing his fingertips and then touching his forehead.
Vince Howard: Introducing, from the High Desert, Joshua Tree, California…weighing two-hundred and one pounds…he is the Bodhisattva of Transformative Experience…SAAAAGE PONTIIIIF!!
Sage slides into the ring, kips to his feet fluidly, and then takes a running start and leaps flat footed, landing with a slight wobble on the top turnbuckle–but sticks the landing, and holds his arms out messianic-style, bathing in reactions. Mostly negative, though there are a smattering of true believers that are making themselves known over the jeers.
The Sun shines every day
The Sun shines every day
Sage executes a backflip from the top, landing on his feet, and bows to the crowd, Ria, and Elvis Nixon before removing his kimono and beads. He begins to stretch, adopting the revolved crescent lunge, his fluidity and vascularity on full display as “Satori Part II” fades to nothing…
Elvis Nixon checks both competitors, and then he calls for the bell, officially getting Colossus underway.
DING DING DING
Nick Stuart: And we’re off and RIA LOCKHART IS WASTING NO TIME.
Richard Parker: She’s got the claws out! Someone hit her with a tranq dart! That man only wants to bring us love and peace!
As the commentators have pointed out, Ria has leapt upon Sage with a vicious Thesz press, attempting to club him as he gets his hands and arms up in self-defense. Elvis Nixon attempts to restore some order, but the Boddhisattva is able to shake off his assailant and roll out of the ring, creaking his neck and shaking the cobwebs out. Rainbow Rock divebombs the canvas and rolls out herself to give chase.
Richard Parker: My god, Ria is relentless. I don’t know what bug crawled up her ass.
Nick Stuart: Perhaps it’s the entire pay-per-view cycle of badgering ending with an assault that put her in the hospital?
Richard Parker: This is wrestling. That happens every day.
Just as Ria closes in on Sage, the guru turns around as if warned by a sixth sense and plants his boot right in Ria’s gut, sending her stumbling back.
Richard Parker: Namaste!
Ria plants, lifts her head up, and charges at a laughing Sage, who olés her, her momentum sending her into the guardrail, stomach first. Sage casually walks up behind her as she’s staggering again, mockingly paintbrushing the back of her head with open-hand slaps.
Nick Stuart: Starting to think this Sage Pontiff really has a humiliation fetish disguised as a study in self-enlightenment.
Richard Parker: Absolutely not! It’s just he finds the humor in it too.
Sage grabs the back of Ria’s head and in one swoop leaps into the air, vaulting off the ringpost, and driving it into the mat with a tornado reverse DDT.
Nick Stuart: AMAZING athleticism there by Pontiff. He’s almost toying with Ria to start the match. It’s almost like he wants to embarrass her into joining his outfit.
Richard Parker: Well, you know what they say. You have to hit rock bottom before you can climb back to the top. And I applaud Sage here for taking the initiative to throw potential followers down there himself.
The Boddhisattva rolls into the ring and demands Elvis Nixon start counting.
Ria stirs to her knees, rubbing the back of her head. Sage starts bounding on the balls of his feet, capoeira-style.
Ria rolls over to the apron and pulls herself up to her feet.
Ria beats the count with a few beats to spare. Sage plants his feet and beckons for Ria to throw at him, telling her “Let your chakras dip into the well of your anger!” She winds up wide, but her first haymaker misses as Sage dips back with ease. Her second haymaker whiffs high as Sage ducks low. He beckons for her to swing again. Ria feigns like she’s going to throw a straight right, but instead, she catches Sage with a kick from her left to his thigh when he drifts over to that direction.
Nick Stuart: Rainbow Rock Ria Lockhart outsmarted the grifter!
Richard Parker: That’s not a nice thing to say about someone offering inner peace and enlightenment, Nick.
Ria with haste charges into a one-footed Sage with a heavy elbow smash to the face. He drops to the canvas like his tunic after a hard day of violent meditation, but Ria follows up with a second, a third, and a fourth elbow to his face before making the emphatic cover…
But Sage kicks out.
Ria with the doggedness of a pitbull starts back in, yanking Sage up to his feet by his dreads. With a rush of adrenaline, she violently hoists the Boddhisattva in the air and crunches him across her knee with the uranage backbreaker.
Nick Stuart: Ria is wrestling like a woman possessed here, Richard! She’s giving up at least 45 pounds, but she’s manhandling Sage here like SHE’s the one with the size advantage!
Richard Parker: Poor Sage Pontiff, a delicate flower being thrown to this hyper-violent thug!
Nick Stuart: Do you recall what happened on our flagship show not one month ago?
Richard Parker: No, I got stoned with Solid Gold Rock ‘n Roll after we went off the air. The details on everything that happened that night are hazy.
Ria continues to go to work on Pontiff, chasing him down after impact to wrench his head with Painbow Road. She arches her back and legs up, nearly choking the life out of Sage with her calves.
Richard Parker: There are some people who would pay good money to be in that position right now.
Nick Stuart: I’m not even going to indulge you on that one. DO you see how hard she’s wrenching Sage’s neck there?
Richard Parker: Generation Z has an insatiable thirst for dying though, Nick. I follow Peach Backshots on Twitter. You should see some of the things she posts.
Nick Stuart: I’m sure that’s the main reason you follow her.
Richard Parker: It is! She is much too young for me. I prefer mature women.
Sage gets his foot onto the ropes in desperation, but Ria takes the entire five count before she lets go. She again hastily hops to her feet, lays in a couple of boots to the prone Boddhisattva, and grabs him in the uranage position again. This time, she hoists him in the air and lays him out to her side with a big sit-out slam, floating into the cover…
Sage kicks out again.
Nick Stuart: Ria smells blood here. Could she finally get her revenge?
Richard Parker: Revenge for what? Again, modern problems require modern solutions, and Sage Pontiff has modern solutions.
Nick Stuart: Have you gone down an early Aughts YouTube rabbit hole?
Richard Parker: I get bored on cross-country flights, okay?
Sage staggers to his feet, and Ria sizes him up, rushing forward to attempt a Lockjaw, but the Boddhisattva dodges at the last second. Ria gets caught up in the ropes, but before she can compose herself…
Nick Stuart: DEAR LORD! Sage Pontiff risking life and limb to hang Ria out the dry over the top rope!
That’s right, Sage gets mad air flipping over Ria and snapping her neck and throat on the top rope as he flies to the outside, landing ass-first on the apron and tumbling to the floor.
Nick Stuart: Rough landing for Pontiff there, but the damage on Ria is done here. I hope it was worth the future proctologist appointment.
Richard Parker: The lengths he will go to save a soul. *sniffles* This man truly is a miracle worker.
Sage gingerly climbs back into the ring and stands over a writhing Lockhart on the canvas, holding her throat and neck.
Sage Pontiff: I OFFERED YOU ENLIGHTENMENT. IF YOU WON’T TAKE IT, I WILL BREAK YOU!
He picks her up from the canvas, slips behind, and lands a brutal release dragon suplex. He repeats the process methodically, once more, twice more, a third time. After the fourth suplex, Elvis Nixon steps in, warning him that he cannot abuse an opponent he’s beating into senselessness. Out of sheer obligation, Sage makes a lax cover…
Ria kicks out.
Nick Stuart: Sage showing a darkness here, Richard. I have to wonder how many of his followers have seen this side of him.
Richard Parker: Probably only the ones who bogart the ayahuasca.
Sage gets up momentarily to collect himself before laying a boot to Ria’s face and mounting her and landing a headbutt to her forehead with a sickening thud. He raises his head with seething, blinding rage visible in his eyes and his sneer before going back to the well again and again until he himself is busted open. Again, Nixon has to step in to remind him the point of the match is to win. Pontiff shoots to his feet, raising his hands in protest and barking something unintelligible at the referee. He violently grabs Ria to her feet and whips her into the corner. He lurches back before charging at full speed into her with a spinning wheel kick that makes her body convulse while held up by the turnbuckles.
Nick Stuart: I’m starting to think this is less about winning for Sage Pontiff and more about some sick revenge fantasy.
Richard Parker: That oughtta teach everyone in PRIME. If someone as one with the universe takes a shine to you, reciprocate!
Continuing to stare a heat laser through Ria, Sage grabs her by her shoulder and rips her out of the corner. She staggers around, finally facing the corner as Sage ascends to the top rope, raising his arms as if to soak in the adulation of a wholly different crowd that isn’t booing him so far into the earth that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are his upstairs neighbors. HE lines up his shot on Ria, leaping, somersaulting forward, but…
Nick Stuart: NO WATER IN THE POOL! NO WATER IN THE POOL! Sage Pontiff lands hard AGAIN on his rear end!
Richard Parker: How can this be? I thought he only tried this move because his third eye showed him success! She’s messing with his chakras!
Having sidestepped the attempt at a forward somersault hip attack, Ria collects herself just enough to see an opening for a Lockjaw that crushes Pontiff right in the temple. He collapses to the canvas, and she quickly covers…
But he kicks out!
She makes a point to yank Sage up by his dreadlocks into a rear chinlock before driving him with a little extra mustard back-first into her knee. She drives the point of her boot into his chest to make a point before going for another cover…
But another kickout, this time with less air between Nixon’s hand and the mat than before.
Nick Stuart: Ria might have Sage where she wants him! It might be time for the Lock Cutter!
Richard Parker: I can’t bear to watch such ungrateful behavior!
Ria goes to grab Sage again, but with a flick of his wrist, the Boddhisattva gouges her eye, right out of the sight of Nixon. Rainbow Rock stumbles back, and Nixon admonishes Sage, but he plays dumb. Pontiff gingerly gets to his feet, plants, and lands a spinning roundhouse kick to Ria’s bent-over head. She falls to one knee, and Pontiff puts her head between his legs.
Nick Stuart: Fortunes have turned but on such a cheap move! Sage Pontiff is looking for the Shamanic Dreamweaver!
Richard Parker: There are no cheap maneuvers, Nick! The path to enlightenment comes by any road necessary.
Sage gives one last preen to the crowd before turning his focus towards the move, but by that time, Ria has slipped out of his grasp. She deftly sneaks behind Sage and rolls him up with a DEEP school girl.
Nick Stuart: Oh my! She has that roll-up in DEEP! And Sage has already hurt his lower back tonight!
Nixon drops to the mat…
Richard Parker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick Stuart: Ria Lockhart has stolen her revenge in the opening match of Colossus!
Ria pops to her feet to the utter adulation of the crowd while Sage gets up on his knees, looking into his hands with a shocked expression on his face.
Vince Howard: Your winner, Ria… LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKHAAAAAAAAAAART!
The fans roar their approval as Ria soaks in the biggest win of her career to date.