ROB WILLIAMS vs. CRASH JACKSON
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
I’M HERE FOR THE CATERING
DARIN ZION CAN’T AFFORD A WIN
HIS NAME IS TSONDA. TSONDA TSKYWALKER.
WHAT IS LOVE? CECIL DON’T HURT NO MORE
NOT ROOTING FOR TAL? THERE’S THE LUCHA-DOOR
THERE’S NO COLOSSYOU. THERE’S NO COLOSSME. THERE’S JUST COLOSSUS.
I’M GOING TO BE LATE TO THE SHOW, I’M GETTING A COLONOSCOPOSSUS
IT’S THE BIGGEST RECTAL EXAM OF THE YEAR, A TWO NIGHT EVENT
MY TALENT IS OVERRATED
We cut to Nick Stuart and Richard Parker at the commentary booth. As per usual both men were well dressed for Colossus though Richard was a little more well dressed than Nick.
Nick Stuart:Great fans of PRIME, welcome to CAESARS SUPERDOME in the great city of NEW ORLEANS for COLOSSUS NIGHT ONE! I am Nick Stuart, as always I am joined by my partner, Richard Parker! How are you doing my friend?
Richard Parker: I’m doing great tonight, Nick, thanks.
Nick Stuart: Folks, tonight we have a loaded card and it all culminates in the Finals of the Almasy Tournament as Jonathan-Christopher Hall faces Cecilworth Farthington in what should be an incredible encounter. .
Richard Parker: Lets not forget the x factor in that match though, Vickie Hall.
Nick Stuart: I’m sure we’ll speak more on that as we get closer to the Main Event but first, let’s get ready for our first match, the Northern Light Crash Jackson versus the Legend Rob Williams!
The lights cut out. We hear rain falling all around. The arena flashes with simulated lightning, perfectly in tune with the thunder. A distorted and edgy guitar line joins the cacophony before the rain subtly fades away to melodic wailing.
Vocals:I’m the man in the box. Buried in my shit.
One last bolt of lightning ends with the house lights coming back up in full. Rob Williams is standing on the entrance ramp. Rob has carved various bible verses into his arms and has “Let Love In” spray painted on his chest in red. It appears he’s looking at the crowd, but really he’s conversing with the Father. There is a brief back and forth before Rob begins making his way towards the ring.
Vocals: Won’t you come and save me? Save me.
Vince Howard: Our opening match this evening is scheduled for one fall.
Vocals: Free my eyeeeeees! Can you see them shut?
Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring now. Accompanied by… the Father. From Decatur, Georgia, ROB WILLIAMS!
Nick Stuart: The Father? Do you see anyone else out here with Rob?
Richard Parker: Maybe the Father has an Invisible Man gimmick? Or maybe he lost the rights to his physical self to the same person who took Dar-.. Wrestler X’s name.
Nick Stuart: I doubt it’s either of those things. I think Rob Williams is just mentally unwell.
Richard Parker: Then he fits right in!
Rob climbs up on the ring apron and sits on the middle rope, lifting the top rope. He holds out his hand to allow the Father to climb in before him.
Vocals: JEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEESUS CHRIST!
Once Rob is satisfied the Father has settled in he climbs in himself. Rob holds his hands up in a Nixon-esque pose, both arms outstretched and peace signs held up.
Vocals: Deny your maker.
A deranged smile crosses Rob’s face as his eyes meet with the Father’s in the corner. Rob calls for a microphone as the music cuts. He kneels down a few feet from the corner, head bowed in appeal.
Rob: Thank you, Father. Thank you for delivering me here to Colossus. And please give me the strength to face the parts of myself that are lacking so that I may meet Crash Jackson with a pure heart. Amen.
The arena lights drop into darkness, save for the backlights in the entryway, as a mix of curious silence and spontaneous cheers comes over the crowd. With haste, a figure emerges from the back and stands head high, fist raised, and strikes a pose for a brief second.
LEEEET’S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBLE
The bell dings as Volbeat’s “A Warrior’s call” floods the airwaves and brings the lights back up. A chaotic lightshow takes over the entrance ramp, with flashing white and red strobe lights, before Crash jumps in the air and stomps both feet in clear view for everyone to see. He roars violently with a fiery, toothy grin before beginning his frantic descent to the ring.
FEEL THE FIRE, HE’S ENTERING THE RING
HIS MINDSET KNOWS ONLY HOW TO WIIIIIIIN
Crash reaches the ring while pumping his fist in unison with the beat, being joined by many fans simply out of respect for fist pumping, and scales the stairs at the same hellacious pace before turning around to roar at the crowd again.
UNLEASHING HIS HELL
YOU WON’T EVEN HEAR THE BELL
He leaps the top rope and lands with a thunderous rattle before pacing around the ring and nodding his head repeatedly. He stops in the middle, facing the crowd.
FEEL THE POWER OF THE WAAAAARRIOOOOR!
Crash steps towards the crowd, slamming his fist into the air and yelling along with the song.
He turns to the opposite side of the arena and offers the same sentiment.
LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMBLE
Much more fist pumping begins with sweat flying off his face and arms, landing on the lucky fans in the front row.
The music begins to die out as Crash locks in on his opponent with an alarming stare, holding a violent gaze and snarl that raises red flags all over the place. The crowd is already on their feet with excitement as Colossus kicks off!
Nick Stuart: The crowd is hot tonight for our first match of COLOSSUS 2023!
Richard Parker: I hope Crash is prepared for the absolutely psychopath that is Rob Willaims! You know I heard him talking to his “Father” in the back earlier today. I don’t know what they were talking about but the word blood got mentioned a lot.
Nick Stuart: A dubious claim, Richard, but this is certainly to be a spirited competition here tonight as both men are looking to get a win here.
As Crash turns toward his corner Rob Williams launches himself at him, smashing Jackson in the back of the head with a double ax handle smash. This sends Crash.. Crashing through the ropes and into the outside.The crowd launches into a chorus of boos directed at Rob as “A Warrior’s Call” fades out.
Richard Parker: Smart move by Rob Williams taking the advantage early!
Nick Stuart: The match hasn’t even begun yet, this is just an assault right now!
Richard Parker: Then Crash shouldn’t have turned his back!
Williams seems to look toward referee Jimmy Turnbull with a maliciou smile before following Crash to the outside of the ring. Turnbull begins to demand that Rob gets back into the ring with Crash so they can start the match. Rob ignores the pleas to return to the ring and instead begins to lay the boots to the Northern Light.
Nick Stuart: Referee Jimmy Turnbull needs to get control of this thing or else this might get ruled a no-contest.
Richard Parker: Turnbull would be an idiot to deny these fans the chance to see Rob Williams get a win here tonight all because of a little dust up before the match!
Continuing his assault on Crash, Rob pulls his opponent up and whips him hard into the barricade. Jackson’s body crumbles to the ground as the unforgiving barricade buckles but does not give. The Legend Rob Willaims pauses a moment to appreciate the damage he has done to Crash. His head snaps over as though he hears something, nodding in agreement before stalking toward Grand Master Crash.
Nick Stuart: That Rob Williams disturbs me. Who the hell is he supposed to be talking to?
Richard Parker: You heard the man! He’s talking to his invisible manager, the Father. Whatever orders he’s giving must be working, Rob is in control of this thing right now!
Nick Stuart: The match hasn’t even begun!
Richard Parker: And when it finally does, who do you think is going to be sitting on top? That’s right, my pick to win, Rob Williams. Sorry, Alexei!
With a fist full of hair Rob drags Crash up to his feet before clobbering him with a magnificently stiff short arm lariat right across the chest. Jackson hits the ground like a ton of bricks as the fans continue to boo and jeer at Rob. Ignoring the fans, Williams drags Jackson back up to his feet before finally rolling him into the ring.
Nick Stuart: It looks like we might finally get this match started.
Richard Parker: This might be the fastest win in Colossus history!
Rob immediately slips beneath the ropes as Turnbull is finally able to signal for the bell!
The Legend immediately hooks Crash’s leg, pulling him into a deep pin!
Nick Stuart: Looks like Crash Jackson is made of sterner stuff as he powers out at one!
Richard Parker: He should have just let the pinfall happen, now he’s gotta go through this whole match against a psychopath after he took that beating before the bell! He’s only hurting himself here, Nick.
Crash is far from defeated as he powers out immediately upon registering the first count. Williams doesn’t seem overly concerned as he transitions into a side headlock, leaning down on Crash to force his opponent to carry his weight.
Richard Parker: And now look at Williams, keeping the pressure on Crash and that dumb, furry head of his!
Nick Stuart: Say what you will about Rob Williams, he walked into this match with a game plan, regardless of who that game plan came from, and he’s executing it here against Crash perfectly.
Rob eventually releases the sleeper, slapping the back of Crash’s head as he lets go before clamoring up to his feet.
Williams lights up Crash’s chest with a chop, sending New York’s Finest back into the nearby corner clutching his chest. Rob stalks in and swings the heavy lumber with another chop however Crash is able to duck beneath!
Nick Stuart: If Crash wants to win here tonight he is going to need to rely on his speed like he did just then!
Richard Parker: Power beats speed every time!
Nick Stuart: Everytime?
Richard Parker: Well at least when it benefits me to say so, Stuart.
Crash catches Rob off guard as he fires off an energized rights and lefts. Stunned and staggered, Rob stumbles forward only to get caught in a Hurricanrana! Crash hooks both of Rob’s legs, securing him into a pinfall as Turnbull moves to the count!
Nick Stuart: Crash might steal it here!
Rob manages to power Crash off his chest before immediately rolling to the outside. With a dejected look of frustration, Rob appears to be arguing with somebody while pointing back into the ring.
Richard Parker: He almost did!..er.. I mean, I told you, Rob Williams came in with a plan and he’s not going to lose!
With Williams caught in his own distraction he fails to see Crash launching himself into Tornillo Suicido Plancha! His body collides with an unsuspecting Williams as the crowd goes wild at the display of aerial talent from the Northern Light!
Nick Stuart: The crowd is clearly backing Crash in this match!
Richard Parker: Yeah? Well crowds don’t decide the winner of these matches, the wrestlers do!
Nick Stuart: You know as well as anyone, Parker, that having the crowd on your side can push you, especially in big matches like this, push you beyond what you might normally be capable of.
Richard Parker: Rob Williams is going to shut this crowd up! And then maybe we’ll be able to hear whatever Father is saying to him.
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
Keeping the momentum, Crash bounces up to his feet and poses for the crowd. Rob remains.. crashed ..out on the floor with a dazed expression on his face. The Northern Light rides the wave as he drags Rob back up to his feet and rolls him into the ring. Instead of following him in Crash climbs to the top of the turnbuckle.
Nick Stuart: Crash is going to the top!
Richard Parker: Get ready to wash him CRASH and burn!
Staggering back up to his feet, the Legendary Rob Williams is completely caught by surprise when Crash launches off the top rope and connects with a spinning heel kick! The kick lands solid on Rob’s chin sending the man down hard to the canvas.
Nick Stuart: Crash was right on the money as he caught Williams right on the jaw! I should note that while there is a three inch height difference between these two men, Rob Williams, the taller of the two, is only three pounds heavier. .
Richard Parker: That’s because Rob Williams has that lean muscle while Crash probably carries a lot of water weight.
Nick Stuart: Water weight? Good lord.
With Williams prone on the mat Crash charges forward and hits a standing senton, his upper body crushing Rob’s chest. Jackson hooks the leg and proceeds to count with his other as Turnbull drops to the mat.
Nick Stuart: A near pinfall as Crash looks to be getting the better of Rob, Richard!
Richard Parker: But he didn’t get the pinfall, Nick, he DIDN’T. My prediction is still standing!
Just as Jimmy begins to drop his hand for the three count, Rob manages to throw his shoulder up. Crash looks disappointed but keeps his focus. Drawing Rob back up onto his feet, Crash hits the ropes and looks to be going for a clothesline! Williams ducks at the last moment. On the rebound Rob swings his arm looking to decapitate Crash however the wily Grand Master uses his speed to avoid the attack.
Nick Stuart: Once again that speed is keeping Crash alive in this!
Richard Parker: It’s only a matter of time, Nick, it’s only a matter of time!
Stopping on a dime, Crash turns and spins Rob around connecting with a snap kick to the midsection. Jackson proceeds to plant Rob’s head square into the mat, spiking him with a snap DDT. Pointing toward the top rope, Crash gets a wild expression on his face. The fans begin to get louder and louder in anticipation of the Northern Light taking to the sky.
Nick Stuart: Mrs. Jackson’s baby boy is chaining together some lightning offensive and now he’s going to the top rope!
Richard Parker: The fans here in Caesars Superdome are coming unglued for this idiot!
Nick Stuart: The question is what is Crash looking for!?
Ascending to the top rope Crash holds both of his arms in the air. The fans have climbed to their feet as they stomp and roar their approval. One last quick assessment of the distance before Crash mimics smoking a jot and then…
Nick Stuart: He’s signaling for the 420 SPLASH!
Richard Parker: Are we allowed to say that? Is this the year 2009?!
Launching himself through the air Crash executes a flawless frog splash, hanging in the air for what seems like an eternity before, as his name implies, he crashes down. Unfortunately Rob Williams lifts his knees at the last minute as Crash has all the air driven out of his lungs.
Richard Parker: Incredible counter by Rob Williams!
Nick Stuart: It’s not called high risk for nothing as Crash took a gamble and it didn’t pay off.
Bouncing off Rob like a spring, Crash clutches at his stomach as he tries to scream in a breathless gasp. As he stumbles around the ring Rob snaps up to his feet and once again runs over his opponent with a horrific looking Lariat. Jackson is turned inside out as Rob goes for the pinfall attempt!
Crash manages to throw his shoulder up but it is clear he’s hurting. Rob slowly climbs back up to his feet and appears to be engaged in conversation with somebody no one else can see. Whatever they say seems to encourage Rob who slaps himself in the face a few times before stalking back over to Jackson.
Nick Stuart: Crash is going to have to dig deep now if he wants to stay in this. The man could very likely have bruised or even cracked ribs after that fall!
Richard Parker: This is the beginning of the end, Nick, mark my words!
Grabbing Crash by the waist even as he lays on the ground, Rob powers him up into a Gutwrench Suplex. Rob keeps control of Crash’s waist and stands back up, this time hoisting Crash up into a Gutwrench Suplex to the other side.
Nick Stuart: Rob Williams showing off his power here as he is effortlessly suplex Crash.
Richard Parker: Throw him around like a rag doll, Williams, you crazy bastard!
Rob finalizes the combination by hoisting Crash back up into a Gutwrench Suplex, driving his opponent down hard onto the ring mat. The crowd gives Rob his flowers for the impressive display of power as the Legend maintains wrist control, this time to assist him in the pinfall.
Nick Stuart: Williams almost had him there but Crash showing his guts, kicking out!
Somehow at the last moment Crash is able to roll his shoulder up to escape the pinfall attempt. Rob is outraged as he releases Jackson to turn his ire on referee Jimmy Turnbull. After a few moments Rob realizes he isn’t going to win the argument.
Richard Parker: Stay focused, Rob! You have Crash on the ropes!
Nick Stuart: Rob was in danger of giving his opponent a much needed breather but it seems like he heard you as he’s back on Crash.
Scooping Crash up off the mat by his waist, Rob executes a release German Suplex that sends New York’s Finest flying across the ring. With a smug expression on his face, Rob climbs up to his feet and advises Jimmy Turnbull to check on Crash’s welfare. With the referee distracted Williams immediately begins removing one of the turnbuckle coverings, exposing the metal bolt as the crowd boos him loudly.
Nick Stuart: Rob just exposed the top turnbuckle! There is no need for that!
Richard Parker: I didn’t see anything! I think whoever put the ring together didn’t secure the turnbuckle covers, Stuart, that’s the only explanation!
Moving back to Crash, Rob pulls his groggy opponent up to his feet, pointing toward the turnbuckle with murder in his eyes. Charging forward Rob aims to smash Crash’s face directly into the exposed turnbuckle!
Nick Stuart: No, no, no!
Richard Parker: Yes, yes, yes!
Crash manages to throw up a foot, blocking Rob’s attempt to crush his skull with the metal bolt. Jackson catches Rob on the bridge of his nose with a back elbow, staggering the larger man.
Nick Stuart: WIDE LEFT!
Richard Parker: It’s like I said, Nick, Crash was going to win this all along!
Nick Stuart: Sure, Richard, of course.
The Buffalo Kid, as he is known in Mexico, blasts Rob in the face with a spicy Superkick that sends a loud crack echoing around the arena. Williams goes cross eyed as his body falls limply to the mat! Crash collapses on his opponent barely able to hook the leg!
Richard Parker: As I said, Crash was always going to wi-
Crash and the crowd begin to celebrate however Jimmy Turnbull is quick to indicate that it was only a two count with Rob getting his shoulder up at the last second.
Nick Stuart: Rob Williams is still in this!
Jackson looks gutted as the crowd lets out a loud, collective boo directed at Turnbull.
Richard Parker: Like I said, Rob Williams is going to win this thing! Such courage! Such heart! Such a crazy bastard!
Nick Stuart: But Crash is still the one with the advantage here and he needs to keep pushing if he wants to keep it!
He climbs on top of Williams and fires a few forearm strikes down on his opponent, more out of frustration than with a strategy in mind. Williams covers up as best he can but is forced to eat a majority of Crash’s onslaught.
Richard Parker: Crash is going to punch himself out, the idiot!
Nick Stuart: His passion is definitely getting the better of him here but we’ve seen this be more of a strength for Crash than a hindrance in the past!
Eventually Crash exhausts himself and rolls off Rob to catch a breath. New York’s Finest slowly climbs to the top rope signaling for the Crash Dot Com.
Nick Stuart: New Orleans is on their feet for Crash Jackson! If he connects with this, it’s all over! CRASH IS SET TO FLY!
In desperation Rob Williams scrambles up to his feet and dives toward the ropes, striking the top rope and causing Crash to lose his balance! The Northern Lights crotches himself in the corner, the metal bolt no doubt doing his balls no favors!
Richard Parker: Brilliant move by Rob Williams!
Nick Stuart: More desperate than brilliant from where I sit, Richard. Lucky for Rob, unlucky for Crash, call it what you will, that exposed turnbuckle just changed the nature of this match, folks.
Rob, using the ropes for support, drags himself over to Crash with hate and malice in his eyes. Climbing to the second rope, Rob places Crash’s head between his legs..
Nick Stuart: Oh no.. Oh No!
Richard Parker: Rob is about to end this match!
The second rope Piledriver executed by Rob leaves Crash spiked vertically for a moment as the crowd lets out a disgusted “Oooooh!” in response. Eventually his body goes limp, clattering to the ring like a pile of discarded trash!
Nick Stuart: NO! Rob Williams is out to kill Crash Jackson here in New Orleans at Caesars Superdome!
Richard Parker: All that’s left is for my pick to pin Crash, Nick! The Legend proves his moniker!
Rob crawls over Crash and hooks the leg.
Nick Stuart: OOOH! He kicked out! I can’t believe it!
Richard Parker: It was an involuntary muscle spasm! It was a slow count! That’s impossible!
Somehow, someway, Crash manages to kick out! The crowd is going nuts as Rob looks to literally be foaming at the mouth.
Nick Stuart: I don’t like the look on Rob’s face right now!
Rob looks about ready to lose his mind when whatever voice he listens to seems to break through the frustration. He agrees loudly with “the Father” and drags Crash up by his hair, placing him into a powerbomb position before pointing toward the ring.
Richard Parker: After some consultation with his invisible manager, I think we have a winning strategy, Nick!
Nick Stuart: Rob Williams, that’s not wise! Not to the exposed turnbuckle!
The crowd join Nick in a loud sound of protest as Rob Williams Buckle Bombs Crash into the exposed turnbuckle. The back of Crash’s head snaps off the metal bolt giving this writer flashbacks to the Amazing Spider-Man 2. The crowd collectively recoil in reaction to it.
Nick Stuart: Oh god! Crash’s head whiplashed off the exposed turnbuckle! No protection, no safety!
Richard Parker: You have to admit, the ghost dad can put together a winning strategy!
Somehow Crash is still on his feet though by the way he is stumbling forward, he is clearly walking on rubber legs.
Nick Stuart: Rob Williams is sizing up the defenseless Crash..
Richard Parker: It’s academic at this point, Nick. As I said, Rob Williams was my pick from the start.
Rob boots Crash in the gut! Quick as a hick-up Williams grabs Crash’s head and executes a picture perfect Diamond Cutter!
Nick Stuart: Time for someOld Time Rock and Roll!
Richard Parker: It just soothes the soul, Stuart!
Crash’s body is left limp as Rob hooks his opponent’s leg to the sound of booing.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: YOUR WINNER… THE LEGEND ROB WILLIAMS!
Rob climbs off Crash as Turnbull holds his arm high in the air. “Man in the Box” by Alice in Chains cranks over the PA system as the fans boo their displeasure at the results.
Nick Stuart: Crash put up a great fight here tonight but Rob Williams picks up the win though we would be remiss to say it wasn’t without some help.
Richard Parker: What? Ghost Daddy never got involved!
Nick Stuart: Not that! The exposed turnbuckle.
Turnbull is shoved away by Williams who turns and immediately exits the ring, searching for something beneath it. Back in the ring a pool of blood is starting to form beneath Crash’s head, likely a result of the back of his head hitting the turnbuckle during the buckle bomb.
Richard Parker: What is Williams looking for?
Nick Stuart: I have no idea. What I can see is that Crash Jackson is bleeding badly in the ring, no doubt a result of the Buckle Bomb. We need to get some medical help out here.
Rob Willaims returns to the ring with a large black bag with something inside of it moving around. Getting it into the ring Williams opens the bag and dumps its contents out onto the mat. It appears to be a young goat, probably just a few months old. Its legs are bound together so it can’t escape.
Nick Stuart: What the hell is going on here? Why on Earth does Rob Williams have a goat in the ring?!
Richard Parker: You’re guess is as good as mine, you think Lindsay Troy approved this?
Nick Stuart: Very unlikely!
The Legend begins ranting in the ring about a sacrifice in the ring as Turnbull attempts to get between him and Jackson. As Crash starts to stir Rob shoves Turnbull out of the way and attacks his downed opponent. He reigns down kicks and punches in a savage assault that leaves blood all over his arms and upper body.
Nick Stuart: We need to get security down here! We need medics! Somebody has got to stop this!
Richard Parker: But what is up with the goat?!
Dragging the young goat near Crash, Rob Williams continues to scream about sacrifices, seemingly lost in his own delusions.
Nick Stuart: Somebody has got to stop this!
Richard Parker: Who is going to come out for Crash Jackson!?
The crowd suddenly pops as Eddie Cross bursts onto the stage, rushing to the ring. At the same time Max Kael? can be seen charging through the crowd! Both men reach ringside at the same time but don’t notice each other.
Nick Stuart: His Bros, that’s who!
Back in the ring Rob catches sight of Crash’s Bros and immediately bails out of the ring. Eddie immediately slides in and checks on Crash while Max keeps his eyes on a retreating Rob Williams.
Medics arrive as Eddie helps to get Crash up to his feet. Max releases the goat to a small pop. Both Max and Eddie seem more concerned about Crash than each other though they do keep their distance.
Nick Stuart: What the hell do you think Rob Williams was going to do with that goat?
Richard Parker: Well, he was saying something about a sacrifice? Listen, my take away from this is that I was right about the winner.
We get one last shot of Rob, his arms and face covered in Crash’s blood. He lifts his hands triumphantly into the air one last time on the stage before we cut to the back.
We then fade out.