ROCKY DE LEON VS. KENNADE STARR
Nick Stuart: …and it looks like we’re wasting no time getting this one underway, folks!
Richard Parker: You don’t say? And here I thought our paying audience was eager to see more of the Tonight Show featuring the Screeching Scaly. It’s a wrestling Pay Per View, after all.
On the stage, the Anglo Luchador quietly slips past an aghast Kennade Starr on his way backstage. On the ringside floor, still shaken by the FDP’s act of high-flying intensi-SKREE, Mr. Bubbles is slow to get back to his feet.
The KStarr fans around the world watching her livestream are treated to many seconds of indiscernible shaky cam footage when Kennade hurries down to ringside to where her butler is on the mend. The tens of thousands of screaming PRIMEates filling Soldier Field, on the other hand, see a young, flustered streamer scrambling down the ramp regain control of the situation before it descends any further into chaos.
Nick Stuart: Mr. Bubbles looks very slow to recover right now. Did you see something I didn’t when he fell to the floor?
Richard Parker: What I saw was King Kong over there taking a nasty spill and landing on his head. I’m not sure even his extraordinarily thicker-than-average-human-being skull could dull that blow.
Starr shrieks at Rocky when she arrives at ringside, but the FDP is fired up and eager to keep up the pace. Barlow’s ten count is interrupted at the five when de Leon scrambles up another turnbuckle and dives off the moment the rising Mr. Bubbles stands up and rears his head back.
Nick Stuart: PTERICANRANA!! TO THE OUTSIDE!!
Rocky’s legscissor to the head of Mr. Bubbles doesn’t quite roll KStarr’s butler to the floor, but sends him into motion.
Right for the post.
Nick Stuart: OH MY!! Bubbles went head first right into that steel post!
Richard Parker: I bet anything he’ll be waking up tomorrow with a headache.
Witnessing this course of events prompts Kennade’s palm to slap her forehead before she falls back onto the floor herself, legs outstretched into the air. Meanwhile, the crowd is roaring for Rocky, and the flying dino fanatic is feeding off their energy.
But then comes the matter of bringing the social media star’s hulking butler back into the ring, which given Rocky’s size, is understandably easier said than done. After a few unsuccessful attempts to pull Mr. Bubbles up by his limbs, the FDP settles for a front facelock to pull the big man up.
Richard Parker: Bet he wishes his favorite dinosaur was something like a t-rex or a brontosaurus right now. I don’t think pterodactyls were renowned for their incredible lifting power.
Nick Stuart: Official Ashley Barlow is currently midway through the ten count! Rocky de Leon would understandably want to press his advantage right now, before whatever power Kennade Starr has over his butler takes effect!
With a bit of perseverance, Rocky pulls Mr. Bubbles up to his feet…
…and much to his surprise, his own feet leave the floor, when the colossus wakes up and stands to full height with the FDP still hanging around his head and neck.
Nick Stuart: Uh oh!
Effortlessly, Mr. Bubbles flings Rocky through the ropes and back into the ring. Across the ring, Kennade cackles in triumph, turning her phone on herself and leaning against the apron to pose for her viewers. In the ring behind, her “opponent” quickly scrambles to his feet.
The monster of a man that is Starr’s butler methodically pulls himself up to the apron, pausing for a beat to shake the cobwebs out a bit more.
Richard Parker: Mighty Joe Young is looking mighty hungry right now!
Nick Stuart: Rocky de Leon has been on a roll since the bell rang, but despite some lucky breaks, Mr. Bubbles won’t stay down for long!
Rocky doesn’t look the gift horse in the mouth, hitting the opposite ropes for some momentum. When the butler sees him returning, he raises his arms to protect his head. However, de Leon throws him a curve ball in the form of a double dropkick straight into the breadbasket.
Mr. Bubbles’ beady eyes bulge comically from his skull as the wind instantly gets knocked out of him. He doubles over the top rope, and gives Rocky a clear shot. In a flash, vaults himself into the ropes and comes off in a picturesque backflip.
Nick Stuart: SOMERSAULT LEGDROP across the back of the head! What a maneuver!
Richard Parker: I’m not sure how much brains ol’ Sasquatch had to begin with, but he’s not going to have much left after tonight if this keeps up!
Mr. Bubbles rolls the rest of the way over the ropes and falls onto his back, eyes glazed over. Kennade Starr has again forgotten her livestream, recognizing that the dino-dressed daredevil is still on his feet and getting the attention of thousands of raucous fans. She hurries around to get a closer view of the action.
Nick Stuart: Rocky de Leon is a house on fire right now! This capacity crowd is firmly behind him! Could he pull off a miracle here tonight and defeat Kennade Starr’s seemingly unstoppable monstrous butler?
Richard Parker: And Kennade looks like she has no idea what to do with herself right now! Although I can’t tell if she’s more upset that her manservant is getting his head danced on or if she’s losing viewers from all this!
Nick Stuart: Mr. Bubbles has not moved from the mat after that kick to the back of his head, and Rocky de Leon is not about to slow things down to give him the chance to get up again! He’s going right back to the turnbuckle… climbing to the top…!
Nick Stuart: DINO SPLASH CONNECTS!!
The crowd roars as Rocky de Leon perfectly lands the high-angle senton and rolls straight to his feet. Either by the impact to his chest or Kennade’s frenzied pounding on the mat from ringside, Mr. Bubbles is stirred into moving again. Slowly, he works to his feet, but Rocky is waiting for him in the corner.
By the time Starr’s butler rises up, the FDP parkours up the ropes and dives backwards. The forearm connects square between the eyes, and Mr. Bubbles falls to the mat again with a resounding boom!
Nick Stuart: THE FLYING SQUIRREL!! THIS COULD BE IT!!
De Leon runs around and grabs Mr. Bubbles by the legs. Starr reaches in under the ropes, arms grasping for his ankle…
…but before she can get to it, the FDP flips over into a jacknife pin!
Nick Stuart: Rocky with the cover!
DING DING DING
The crowd pops. Rocky bounds to his feet and allows Ashley to raise his arm in victory. At ringside, Kennade Starr stands in stunned silence before falling to her knees and wailing to the heavens. When her phone falls from her fan, crying emojis flash across the screen.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, by pinfall… ROOOCKYYYY DEEE LEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNN!!!
Nick Stuart: A great victory for Rocky de Leon here tonight at UltraViolence, getting one over the recent thorn in his side in Kennade Starr!
Richard Parker: I’m stunned, Nick. Not just by seeing Gigantopithecus get beat by anyone… but seeing it so one-sided!
Nick Stuart: Well, to be fair, Rocky got in a lucky hit before the bell that definitely affected the flow of this match from the onset. But to his credit, he stayed on task, and never gave his opponent a chance to take control.
Richard Parker: Maybe. But I guess the lesson to be learned here is… NEVER interrupt Rock Talk.
Nick Stuart: We’re going to need a quick break to clean up the remains of this talk show set out of the ring, but before we get back to the action, ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear a quick word from the sponsor’s to this monumental event!