SCOTT HUNTER VS. C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES
Nick Stuart: Alright, folks! Some heavy stuff there we just saw, but also some big news as our main event for the evening has been postponed due to Farthington’s flight being delayed. Needless to say that Wade Elliott and Sage Pontiff will be our main event tonight and we apologize to everyone at home for this unfortunate circumstance.
Richard Parker: Man, I can’t blame everyone backstage going after Colton like that, but it was rough.
Nick Stuart: Our next match of the evening features the ever-dangerous C. Montgomery Byrnes and a debut I’ve been waiting to see since his promotional material dropped last week.
Richard Parker: With all these bold, ridiculous claims from Scott Hunter that he’s invented moves like the Figure-Four Leg-Lock, I have a feeling we’re in for a treat. Anybody with that big of an imagination has to be pretty brilliant in the ring!
Nick Stuart: We’ll have to see about that one, Richard.
Richard Parker: Also, not for nothing but… Byrnes has to be wondering whether or not Arthur Pleasant is going to be making an appearance in this match given the current hostilities between them. Especially with how this feud between them has been escalating week after week.
Nick Stuart: It’s a good question, and one we’re about to find out about. Vince Howard is standing by with our first introduction.
From nowhere, the opening guitar licks to “Burning Heart” kick in while scenes from Rocky IV flash on the screen. Scott Hunter steps out onto the stage, chest out, chin up, then stops in a heroic fists-on-hips pose.
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way out to the ring first, hailing from Miami, Florida and weighing in at 245lbs… he is.. SCOTT… HUUUUUUUNTEEERRR!!!
Looking out into the crowd, the newcomer nods. After a moment of soaking in the lack of response, he mouths “thank you, thank you” and starts walking to the ring.
Once he reaches ringside, he gets a small running start and slides into the ring under the bottom rope head first. He rolls to his feet athletically and thrusts his arms in the air, eyes closed.
Nick Stuart: Oof. Fans are pretty quiet. I’m betting they’re not quite sure what to make of this guy.
Richard Parker: Fuck ‘em. I was entertained as all hell by the things this man had to say, and if no one else can appreciate his special sense of humor? Well, there’s always another streaming service to w-
Nick Stuart: -RICHARD!
Richard Parker: What?
Nick Stuart: Are you trying to get yourself an Owler?! Never tell anyone on LIVE AIR they could just “change the channel” if they don’t want to. Jesus.
The opening riffs to “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You” by the legendary Dean Martin start to play and the masked man emerges from the curtains.
Vince Howard: Making his way down to the ring next, from Horace, North Dakota… weighing in at 248 lbs… C… MORTGOMERYYYYYYYY… BYYYYYYYYYRNES!!!
Mort’s mask, as we all saw at REVIVAL 32, is no longer a two-tone, black and teal as we’re accustomed to seeing by now. Instead, there’s a shoddily sewn in “accent” of olive green, making his whole mask bowling shoe ugly. Mort’s face looks pissed off, obviously still upset over a multitude of things.
Richard Parker: Well. Mort looks like fun tonight.
Nick Stuart: Yeah. Well, he’s obviously still upset over Arthur ripping a chunk of his mask out.
Richard Parker: Don’t forget being electrocuted by Mr. Zappenstein, PRIME’s resident inanimate object with a whole personality unto itself.
Nick Stuart: And soiling his tights.
Richard Parker: ALLEGEDLY, SIR. ALLEGEDLY.
the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. But Mort audibly shouts, “FUCK THIS.” and begins making his way down the ramp without the spotlights as they have a hard time keeping up with the purposed gait in his walk. Ignoring the Pittsburgh crowd in attendance at the PPG Paints Arena, Byrnes is a man on a mission. The former Alias Champion slides into the ring under the bottom rope. Rather than stepping up to the middle turnbuckle, Mort yells at PRIME official Ashley Barrow to “Let’s get this shit over with!”.
The music fades, and Barlow calls for the bell.
DING DING
Nick Stuart: Well, damn. Mortgomery is definitely not in a-
Richard Parker: Lookout!
Byrnes, a certified madman right now, rushes Hunter as soon as he hears the bell sound. Hunter is ready for him though and steps out of the way at the last second, causing Byrnes to hit the turnbuckle chest first with explosive impact.
Scott simply grabs Morty by the inside leg and pulls him down to the mat with an old school roll-up. Barlow is there for the count.
At the last second, Hunter puts both feet on the bottom rope for extra leverage!
ONE!
TWO!
Mort kicks out with Ashley none the wiser to Hunter’s blatant cheating!
Nick Stuart: My God! Scott Hunter almost screwed Byrnes out of this match! That would’ve been catastrophic to his already sour mood!
Richard Parker: And pretty fucking hilarious.
Scott Hunter looks at Ashley and insists it was three. She insists it wasn’t. She wins the debate.
While Hunter is arguing with Ashley, Mort has gotten up to a single knee. He’s holding his chest from where he took the turnbuckle bump (Or it could be heartburn?), but seeing the opportunity present itself, he pushes Hunter forward with just enough force that it causes him to bump into Ashley. She stumbles back a bit, and with that momentary distraction, Mort uppercuts with an audible “Shoryuken!!” like he’s auditioning for a role in ‘Street Fighter: The Remake: The Musical.
Nick Stuart: That was an impressive uppercut, if I may say so.
Richard Parker: Wait a second. Is he about to…?!
With Scott bowled over, this time it’s Mortgomery Byrnes who grabs an inside leg for the roll-up. As soon as Barlow slides into position from her momentary wobble, Mort places his legs on the second rope.
AND with a handful of tights!
Nick Stuart: (sing-songy) 🎵Everything you can do I can do betterrrrrrrr!🎵
Richard Parker: Yeah, it’s certainly feeling that way!
ONE!
TWO!
Hunter kicks out!
Aware that he almost got bested with some handsome cheating, Scott turns his attention toward Mort. As soon as the former Alias Champion makes it to his feet…
…CRRRRRACK!
Nick Stuart: Oh My! What a devastating lariat!
Richard Parker: He might’ve knocked the baby shit green right out of that patch in Mort’s mask!
Hunter nails him with a stiff clothesline that sends the sweat flying! Mort goes down to the mat HARD. Scott follows up the huge lariat with a rolling knee drop to the face. For some reason, there’s a few people in the audience who go “WOO!” like a bunch of idiots.
For the first time in this match, Hunter makes a cover without cheating!
ONE!
TWO!
Mort kicks out, holding his face in pain from the knee drop.
Nick Stuart: That was pretty close. Hunter may not be flashy, but his moves are precise and painful. I’m liking what I’m seeing, so far!
Richard Parker: Not a lot of people in 2023 realize it’s not how flashy or complex the move is. It’s how you execute it and when you deliver it.
Nick Stuart: Well said, Richard!
Scott brings Mort to his feet, curls his leg back so that it’s bowing and lifts him up into the air. After stepping forward one step, Hunter crashes Byrnes’ right knee down across his own with a perfectly executed knee breaker. Hunter follows it up by lifting Mort’s right leg and driving an elbow right down into the bend, pulverizing his tendons and ligaments. Pulling the leg inwards, Byrnes cries out in agony as Hunter squeezes with all his might, looking for a submission!
Nick Stuart: I thought he might be setting him up for the– if you ask him, anyway– move he invented: the figure-four leg-lock.
Richard Parker: He still might be. This simple inward leg stretch might be a good pre-cursor to that.
Hunter continues squeezing, but his attempt at a submission win is abruptly halted when Mort grabs his face and rakes his eyes. Garnering an admonishing from Barlow, Mort actually has the audacity to say, “I didn’t do it!”.
Nick Stuart: Seriously?! He’s… gonna deny it?!
Richard Parker: Hahahahaha.
Hunter begs for some water to flush his eyes out of whatever grime might’ve been hiding underneath Byrnes’ fingernails, but before anybody can oblige him, Mort boots Hunter in the abdomen and grabs both of his arms, setting him up for his signature Double Arm DDT!
Nick Stuart: DOUBLE-ARM DDT!
Richard Parker: Not so fast, Nick!
Hunter wriggles out of it, though, and back body drops Mort!
Getting back to his feet, Hunter guides Byrnes to his. Mort meets Scott with a knee to the mid-section again, but rather than going for a double arm DDT like last time, he snaps down with a regular DDT.
Byrnes hooks a leg!
ONE!
TWO!
THR- NO! Hunter shoulders out at the last second!
Nick Stuart: That was incredibly close!
Richard Parker: Nice improvisation from Mort to adjust going for a double arm DDT to a snapping DDT.
Again, Byrnes argues with Ashley. Again, Ashley wins. Byrnes is now down 0-2 for debates with Ashley Barlow tonight.
Mort hovers over Scott, yelling at him “FUCK YOU, ARTHUR! FUCK YOU!”
Nick Stuart: That’s… not Arthur.
Richard Parker: Well, I think we know where Byrnes’ head is at for this match.
With Mort yelling at him, Hunter takes two fingers and pokes his opponent directly in the eyes.
Barlow with another admonishing, but Hunter doesn’t care. It buys him enough time for some separation.
Shaking the cobwebs from the nasty snap DDT he just took, Scott takes Mort’s head and pulls it down across the top rope. Taking his left hand and putting it through the middle and top rope, and simply taking his right hand and going over the top rope with it, Scott pulls down on Mort’s head, choking the life out of him with an illegal rope choke!
ONE!
TWO!
Nick Stuart: He’s choking the life out of him with that top rope! C’mon, get in there ref!
THREE!
FOUR!
F-
Richard Parker: Oh man, that was close.
Nick Stuart: Wait a sec!
Before Barlow gets to five for the disqualification, Hunter pulls Byrnes all the way across the ring, giving his throat some serious rope burn before snapping the top rope backwards, sending Byrnes flying onto his back. Hunter looks around at the crowd, who aren’t sure who to root for since both competitors are ruthless cheating pieces of shit.
Nick Stuart: This crowd seems to split. Honestly can’t believe it, to be honest. I thought they’d hate them both!
Richard Parker: We’re all cheaters at heart.
Nick Stuart: Says the guy who had an Ashley Madison account.
Richard Parker: How did you–
With Byrnes in a prone position, Hunter signals to the crowd by cupping his hands over his mouth.
Scott Hunter: FIGURE!! FOUR!! LEG!! LOOOOOOOOCK!!
Hunter grabs Byrnes’ leg and does spinning toe hold, crossing them into the “FOUR” portion of the move “he invented”.
Before Scott can drop down to complete the hold, Byrnes uses great wrestling prowess to reach up with both arms, and cradle him down to the mat, flipping them both over to the right side with a figure-four small package!
Nick Stuart: What a counter!
ONE!
Richard Parker: Hunter’s struggling to escape!
TWO!
THREE!
NO! NO! NO! Hunter shoulders his way out before the three, and Byrnes is apoplectic.
Nick Stuart: Mort with a last ditch effort to try and put Scott away! He’s furious it didn’t work!!
Richard Parker: Eyes on the prize, Byrnes!
Hunter is back up in an instant. He turns Byrnes around, and immediately starts setting him up for what looks like a suplex. Lifting him up into the air, Hunter holds him up there for about eight-seconds before slamming him down onto the mat! Byrnes holds his lower back and slides on his ass away from Hunter towards the turnbuckles.
C. Mortgomery Byrnes: TIME OUT! PHONE A FRIEND! ANYTHING!
Scott stalks his way towards Mort, with the former Alias Champion completely begging off. As Hunter gets closer, Byrnes reaches forward, grabs the waistband of Hunter’s gear and pulls him back into the middle turnbuckle, face first! With Hunter seemingly out, Byrnes stacks him like a prom date with both legs in the air. Barlow is right there!
ONE!
Mort places both feet on the TOP turnbuckle!
Richard Parker: OMG.
TWO!
Nick Stuart: REF! REF!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: HAHAHA! He out cheated the damn cheater! BRILLIANT!!
Vince Howard: Here is your winner…C… MORTGOMERY… BYRNES!
Scott Hunter looks completely shocked at the situation, knowing full well he was moments away from having his opponent.
Richard Parker: I swear to God that the C. in C. Mortgomery must stand CHAMELEON because this dude is sneaky as FUCK. I love it!
Nick Stuart: Well, Scott Hunter may have come up short due to a blown call from Ashley Barrow, but Scott Hunter proved something tonight. This dude may be old school and his moves aren’t as flashy as others on the roster, but HE. CAN. GO.
Richard Parker: That locker room should be thanking him, right now. If it were not for inventing such moves as the headlock and bodyslam, we wouldn’t be seeing people like Hayes Hanlon hitting pop-up 180 sit-out choke bombs or Arthur Pleasant hitting a fireman’s carry double-knee facebreaker.
Nick Stuart: Well, I don’t know about all of that, but I do know that he can hit hard with the arsenal of moves that he has.
With Dean Martin sings “You’re Nobody ‘til Somebody Loves You” over the Dolby Atmos PRIME sound system, we fade to a commercial.