BRO, IT’S JUST ANOTHER NEWS PROGRAM
Cancer Jiles vs. Don Winters? Check.
That can mean only one thing.
Intense news music begins to play. You know the type, starts with maybe a little high key synth before the drums kick in. Beeps, boops and dun-dun-duns galore as the screen pitches PRIME blue.
WON ACTION NEWS TEAM
The words flash across the screen in bold white letters.
As the music continues we are introduced to our segment one news team.
Ulsa N. Couth, Weather
We are treated to an arc shot of Max’s ornery old hag of manager, arms crossed and scowling at the camera. She looks utterly unimpressed to be where she is. An unlit cigar is clamped between her wizened lips.
Violent Purple, Sports
With her striking red hair pulled up into a bun, Purple is wearing a form fitting black suit with a tie that matches her hair. She throws a few punches at the screen before cracking a half smile.
Eddie Cross, Human Interests
This shot isn’t fancy, it’s actually someone filming Eddie eating a bagel at an airport. The person filming appears to be hiding behind a small fern.
Max Kael?, Lead Anchor
Of all the shots so far, this appears to be one with the most effort put into it. Max starts kneeling down before he rises, throwing the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM gang signs with both hands. Fireworks explode behind him as he does so. An owl attempts to attack Max but is intercepted by a murder of crows while a sick guitar lick plays.
Brought to you by MEAT?, now in CRUNCHY Texture!
The music slowly fades as the shot as the MEAT? ad ends. Max Kael? Is behind a glossy news podium grinning broadly at the screen.
Max Kael?: PRIMEmps and prostiPRIMES, welcome back to our long and storied program, WON ACTION NEWS TEAM. Ever since segments have been on television, Segment One has existed. And ever since Segment One has existed WON ACTION NEWS TEAM has been here to keep you informed. ON TO THE NEWS!
We cut to a different angle shot of Max Kael? as a small stack of papers manifest in his hands.
Max Kael?: Ivan Stanislav, Universal Champion of PRIME and Arthur Pleasant mark, bless his soul. But what do we really know about him? After some investigating we here at WON ACTION NEWS TEAM discovered he is from a humble, tiny little nation most people have never heard of called Russia. Interests include the color red, products based on potatoes and totalitarian regimes. Did you also know he was my best friend? ON TO THE WEATHER!
Couth is in the middle of lighting her cigar when we cut to her standing in front of a map of the Greensboro Coliseum. Speaking between clenched teeth as she puffs away on her cigar, Ulsa points to different seating sections.
U.N.Couth: Without my client, Max Kael? Wrestling tonight the people in the front row paid WAAAAAY too much for their tickets. Suckers. The people on the floor also paid too much for their tickets. Suckers. The people waaaaay back here in the nosebleeds probably paid the right price but it sucks to suck, no Max Kael? wrestling tonight. SUCKERS! Back to you.
Max is nodding in agreement as we cut back to him.
Max Kael?: Couldn’t agree more, Ulsa. Maybe they could make up for it by buying some fresh MEAT?, available in the parking lot out of the MEAT? Truck. Just look for the truck with the big MEAT? on it. Here in Greensboro I imagine there are a lot of unwanted kids. I bet there are a ton of them here at the Coliseum tonight! Parents, I want you to know that we understand. The Kael Adoption Agency takes all children, no questions asked! From freshly baked to dumplin’ in their diapers at age 103, the Kael Adoption Agency will take any of your delic-du.. unwanted.. family members. Contact the Kael Adoption Agency at 1-800-843-6328! Operators are standing by!
A new angle on Max, a new news story critical to PRIME’s success.
Max Kael?: Hoarding. It’s a problem sweeping the world as capitalism and greed become cornerstones of our identity. Filling the dark void in our hearts left by modern society with food, toys or other Earthly pleasures has become the number one to cope with an insane world. Recently PRIME’s current resident religious nutsack, Don Winters, was sighted recently purchasing all the eggs in a grocery store. Food, toys or Earthly Pleasures? Why not all three? Authorities warn that if you see Don Winters, do not approach him. He is considered armed and minacious.
The screen flashes red before it washes away in white and blue. Max Kael? is now coming from a new angle which means, you guessed it, a new story.
Max Kael?: We now go to our Humanities anchor with a special report from the field. Eddie?
We cut to a scene of Eddie Cross snoozing on a plane. He has a sleep mask over his face as he snorts lightly. The scene goes half and half with Eddie sleeping on one side and Max, grinning broadly, on the other.
Max Kael?: Eddie Cross, a pleasure to have you back.
Eddie Cross: zzzzz… zzzzz… zzzzz…
Max Kael?: Of course. Now from what I gathered earlier, you say that Coral Avalon is a big poo and you plan on eating his face like you just smoked two grams of bath salts?
Eddie Cross: zzzzz… zzzzz… zzzzz…
Max Kael?: And you’ve been putting eggs in places they shouldn’t be, around him? Well there is one mystery cracked wide open. Thank you, Humanities Anchor Eddie Cross!
Eddie Cross: zzzzz… zzzzz… zzzzz…
The split screen ends as the napping Eddie vanishes and we focus back on Max Kael?.
Max Kael?: And now to Violent Purple, with Sports!
We cut over to Violent Purple who simply flips off the camera.
Violent Purple: Fuck off, I’m not doing this stupid bit.
Naturally we cut back to Max who has a failing smile on his face.
Max Kael?: Okay! And now onto our final story. Daytona Diamonds. Named after a city that just won’t die and chunks of carbon. He is known as the Rhinestone Cowboy and yet I have yet to see him ride a rhinestone cow. They call him the King of the Rodeo but I haven’t seen a genealogy report of his purported loyal lineage. They call him the only Daddy that’ll walk the line but nobody will tell me where the line is. Too many questions, not enough answers. We’ll bring you more on this story in the future, no doubt.
One last final cut as we can see the full cast of WON ACTION NEWS TEAM. Max in the center, U.N. Couth plucking mustache hairs to his left. Violent Purple on her phone to his right. And a badly drawn stick figure labeled as Eddie Cross is taped to the wall behind Max.
Max Kael?: For everybody here at the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM, stay PRIME-al, I’m Max Kael?.
Credits roll over Max Kael? shifting through his notes while it appears Ulsa N. Couth berates him. There is no sound, however, so it’s impossible to know for sure what is happening. As for the Credits, all credits are for a man by the name of Benny Harvey.
We then cut elsewhere backstage.