ASK ME AGAIN
PRIME fans? Not so high on the Love Convoy, as we just saw.
But this fellow in front of the camera, he of the black athleisure with a suggested MSRP of the nicest vacation you’ve ever taken? The PRIME faithful are, though it sometimes puzzles, pretty high on the hero of Segment 10.
That’s right, baby. The people love Matt Mills.
Matt Mills: Ladies and gentlemen, I am joined by the Numbers Don’t Lie champion, and the man about to face off against Daytona Diamonds…
Oh, so that is who the pop is for.
Matt Mills: Chandler Tsonda, it’s great to see you here in Greensboro. How are you feeling about tonight’s match?
Enter into the frame the prettiest thing walking. Speaking of: the gold “0” edition of the NDL sits pretty on Tsonda’s shoulder.
Chandler Tsonda: Matt, my guy. Haven’t you ever heard of foreplay?
Matt Mills: (as visibly uncomfortable as a person could be) Well—I mean—How are you—
Chandler Tsonda: Matt. Matt. Matt.
Matt Mills: Yes?
Chandler Tsonda: How are you?
Matt Mills: (confused) I’m…good?
Chandler Tsonda: That’s wonderful. And may I say it’s very special to be doing our very first interview together in fifteen or so years. I remember you when you were just this (he does a little gesture to the top of Matt’s head)…well, the same height you are now, but with so much more angst.
The Model Citizen gives Mills a little pat on the forearm, the physical equivalent of a pep talk.
Chandler Tsonda: Now you ask me.
Matt Mills: (not any less confused) How are…you?
Chandler Tsonda: I’m superb, Matt. And it’s nice of you to ask. This is a great conversation. I’m feeling warmly towards you, you’re simply radiant with the rush of talking to a man who is honestly a bit of a father figure to you, and ratings are skyrocketing as the world’s best and coolest wrestling fans all text their friends to say: “Turn on ACE network, babes. ReV just got good.”
Matt Mills: (tentatively) So how are you feeling about tonight’s match?
Chandler Tsonda: No, Matt. Not yet.
Matt Mills: This really isn’t how these usually go.
Chandler Tsonda: Yeah, dude. I know. This one’s actually good.
Matt Mills: Well, do you have anything to share about the future of the Numbers Don’t Lie title? There was a lot of excitement after your announcement.
Chandler Tsonda: Attaboy. I think it’s great for the belt that I’ve got a bounty on my head. A long run in the Almasy will only elevate the belt. And I have a feeling the first title defense is going to be historic.
Matt Mills: Any inside information on who your first defense will be against?
Chandler Tsonda: There’s a lot of fresh faces around here. One of them. I enjoy a new challenge.
Matt Mills: Perhaps Daytona Diamonds?
Chandler Tsonda: Matt, you scalawag! You absolute scamp! I see you with your lil’ professional ass segue.
Matt Mills: (trying so hard to suppress a smile) So you do think Diamonds would make a good contender for the belt?
The Model Citizen goes relatively stone-faced. The warmth of…whatever is going on with he and the long-time PRIME interviewer is interrupted by a deadpan response.
Chandler Tsonda: Nah.
Matt Mills: Surely, you have to admit that despite Diamonds’ questionable integrity, he has been undeniable in the ring.
Chandler Tsonda: I don’t have to. And I don’t admit it.
Matt Mills: I mean, there’s—
Chandler Tsonda: Dayton’s got quite the severe case of beginner’s luck. And ol’ Doctor Chan’s got just the cure for it.
Matt Mills: But if he were to win tonight, he would be in line to claim the bounty and get a shot at the Numbers Don’t Lie title after his Almasy Invitational run concludes.
Chandler Tsonda: There’s no after, Matt. His run concludes. It concludes real good. Tonight. In Greensboro.
Matt Mills: Quite the fighting words. Kaz Troy was a game opponent in Round 1, and Diamonds has as much momentum as anyone in the tournament.
Chandler Tsonda: Happy for him. Maybe he can put a nice blurb on the accolades section of his bio that he “had as much momentum as anyone in the tournament before he walked into the wood chipper.” Because Matt… (winks at Mills) You and I both know that facing Chandler Tsonda is where Cinderella runs go to die. Now ask me that question again.
Mills looks puzzled.
Chandler Tsonda: You know. The first one. I’m ready to give you the gamebreaker promo that you were hoping for. Here it is, Matty. That iconic gold mic moment with the best in the business. The one that makes my second Hall of Fame video montage. Hell, this might get you a promotion just for standing near it. Now hit me with the question.
Matt Mills: (snapping to it) So, given all that, how are you feeling about tonight’s match?
The interviewer seems positively giddy to have made it through this gauntlet. Meanwhile, the Sultan of Style gestures for the mic. Gives Mills another love tap on the elbow.
Tsonda taps the belt. He looks straight to camera, and flashes the grin. You know, the one that brought peace to several minor international incidents.
Chandler Tsonda: I’m ready to go. Let’s fucking fight, cowpoke.
And off he goes. In his wake, Matt Mills looks like he just found out that he threw away a winning lottery ticket. That’s life with the Model Citizen.
We then cut to elsewhere backstage.