SEGMENT 12
Ladies and gentlemen, the PRIMEporium. A place that may or may not be the most wonderful place on Earth. Or at least, this Earth anyway. Are we even sure this is Earth, anyway? How do you know that you’re human? How do we know those aren’t just skinsuits you’re wearing?!
…
We’re joking. Besides you can be whatever you want to be as long as the money’s good. The vessel that contains the Multitudes of Anna Daniels is leisurely dressed, blue jeans and the BRAND SPANKING NEW FUCK YOUR HEAD SHIRT ONLY AT THE PRIMEPORIUM! Somewhere in the distance, an airhorn goes off! We haven’t even said anything yet. Should we? All that yelling at the top of our lungs does get a bit tiresome. So let’s try something else.
We sip on our green tea and gently sit down our toasted soul before popping to our feet. What? Are we supposed to write these in the third person? What rules are worth keeping and worth losing? Damn. We’re doing a lot of quiet contemplating to the camera drone today.
With a few thousand florishes, we display the goods in perfect silence to the background music of some classical music. It could be any kind of classical music, though personally you’d hit the nail on the head if you’re imagining something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Especially the parts where he’s in drag or dropping an anvil on someone’s head. We force the camera drones to zoom in on the slightly lower than industry standard price points. We know times are tough for ya. Solidarity!
The majority of newer merch are t-shirts, no surprise there. Besides the obvious one on the vessel, Eddie Cross’ GG shirts are hung up with care (with the new color being serendipitously hidden from sight because that would be spoilers), a hysterical mockery of Foster Nackedy…
Anna Daniels: Wait, what the fuck kind of name is Nac–
Firebug, now is not the time. A pinch at the bridge of the nose. A shake of the head. Where were we?
Ah, yes. A hysterical mockery of Ol’ Mr. No-Fun Nackedy in both “old man shaking his fist at clouds” and “dedicated member of the no fun police” variants. Not to mention signs giving a nice sneak peek at the Nate Colton shirt COMING SOON TO THE PRIMEPORIUM. Another airhorn.
However, what we show next is truly amazing. Currently only available for the fans in attendance, it’s limited time only FREE SAMPLES OF BIG LEAGUE TCHU, THE (NOT QUITE) OFFICIAL BUBBLE GUM OF PRIME! These fine samples come in PRIME Orange-inal, Sour Grapple, and Greatness Grape. Sure, we lost all of our pun powers when we started to name the grape flavor. But it’s still here! That deserves five airhorns.
Two people grab their free samples. And would you look at that! It’s the dynamic duo of No Laughing Matter! What were their names again? Dean and Alejandro? Sammy and Ferdinand? Gamble Lackey #1 and Gamble Lackey #2? FRANK AND DOMINGO! That’s right! And they are enjoying the explosive flavor of BIG LEAGUE TCHU!
However, perhaps they enjoy it a little too much. They begin to blow bubbles. Huge bubbles. Bubbles as big as themselves. And that is a threat to the merchandise! Y U doing this?!?! So we shall protect the stuff that gives you joy! But how?
Oh, wait. We have a pin.
Comically, fantastically, we pop the giant bubbles that threaten Seattle. Which is impressive because we are not in Seattle! The gale force winds send some of our goods tumbling. But at least we can pick those up. Frankie and Flamingo get the brunt of the punishment.
They are stuck to the wall in a wicked web of gum and bubble and bubble gum. We look at them as they squirm. The camera drone looks at us. We shrug and hold up a sign.
BUY GLUE STUFF FROM THE PRIMEPORIUM, YOU FUCKING COWARDS!