EXIT, PURSUED BY VENDING MACHINE
Joe Fontaine: I don’t see what the big deal is…
We open to the Glue Man Group sitting around in old CSWA-branded office chairs, which have – as previously established – been rebranded as “VERY COOL GUYS”-branded office chairs. The entire Glue Man retinue – Gluetinue, if you will – are here. That’s Joe, Sid, the Fabulous Gold Mask, Cardsworth, and… well, the googly-eyed vending machine in a beret that’s apparently FLAMBERGE this week.
Joe Fontaine: It’s just four cool dudes riding around in office chairs across the hall, with no shenanigans whatsoever. I know we’re all really concerned about what FLAMBERGE here can do. The less we talk about what went on in the break room, the better.
Sid Phillips: Some things can’t be undone.
The Fabulous Gold Mask silently nods in agreement. The Masters, however, well…
Randall Schwartz: If one of you did something to the Food-O-Matic 3000, so help me I’ll–
Kenny Freeman: Shush, they didn’t break the Food-O-Matic 3000. It’s fine. Anyway, I wanna get whatever all…this is, before I get yelled at or yeeted again. It hurts when I get yeeted.
Joe Fontaine: We didn’t do anything to such a precious commodity as the Food-O-Matic 3000. Heavens, no. Be that as it may, we’re all here to get this race started. Does everyone know the rules?
Sid Phillips: No. You never explained any of the rules. You just said “office chair race” and assumed everyone knew what the fuck you were talking about.
Joe turns towards the Glue Man Group’s so-called “intern”.
Joe Fontaine: Fabby! I thought you sent out pamphlets! You had one job!
The Fabulous Gold Mask shrugs his shoulders, and then just walks away. Everyone watches him leave… and then ducks out of the way as a trash can is launched at them from off-screen. There’s a lot of yelling and screaming from the four competitors as the intern’s display of trash can accuracy is shown.
After a few moments, everyone comes back together again.
Joe Fontaine: I swear, that guy.
Sid Phillips: He’s definitely risking his college credits with his behavior.
Joe Fontaine: Not to mention his future employment possibilities.
Randall Schwartz: Am I the only one here who gives a damn about the rules of this game!?
Kenny Freeman: Yeah man, get on with it!
Joe Fontaine: I mean, it’s really simple. We just race down the hallway, barrelling through everything in our paths, and whoever reaches the finish line first is the victor!
There’s a lot of activity in the path ahead of them, as members of the production crew are trying to make sure that the show is still running on time. God knows, a lot of time has been spent on shenanigans today. So many shenanigans, and some of them are being perpetrated by men in this very segment.
Sid Phillips: The four of us.
Joe Fontaine: Yes.
Sid Phillips: Trying to race down this crowded hallway.
Joe Fontaine: Yuh-huh.
Sid Phillips: In office chairs about as derelict as the company we took them from.
Joe Fontaine: Well, the boss lady didn’t want us to borrow her cool, state-of-the-art office chairs. I bet she races them with Wade and Dam and Killean all the time. I mean, I got the idea in the first place because I found out about the secret underground Enemigo races. Seriously, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen the secret underground Enemigo races. They use landmines.
Sid Phillips: That’s bullshit.
Joe Fontaine: Enemigos don’t fuck around. Anyway, everyone ready?
Kenny Freeman: Yeah, sure.
Randall Schwartz: What could possib-lie go wrong?
Joe Fontaine: Three, two, one… GO!
Four men, four idiots if you will, immediately move their feet as they try to move their office chairs along the hallway.
It’s already chaos.
The space is so narrow that there’s an early logjam as Kenny and Sid collide first, and Randall and Joe ram into them. There’s a lot of limbs as all four men try to break free from the logjam. Eventually, Randall – the most experienced of the four in terms of traveling by a wheeled chair – is able to break free from the pack.
Hot on his wheels, though, is Joe Fontaine. He’s gaining on Randall with the powers of firing off a fire extinguisher in his wake, which has the adverse effect of blasting both Sid and Kenny behind him in the process.
Where did he get it?
Who cares!
With the assistance of the fire extinguisher, Joe Fontaine is able to catch up to Randall.
Now, we might need a little urgency with Kenny and Sid back there. Seems like they’re just hanging out and letting Joe and Randall take care of things. Well, don’t worry.
Because FLAMBERGE is coming for them.
Sid Phillips: …What the fuck!?
Kenny Freeman: I can’t believe we’re about to be Super Cool Guy’d, what fresh hell is this!?
Propelled forward at dangerous-for-humans speeds, the Fabulous Gold Mask is pushing the vending machine version of FLAMBERGE – VENDBERGE, if you will – in a mad chase after the participants. Clearly, the Glues’ intern isn’t playing around now and is attempting a vendhicular homicide. Scientific term.
Sid and Freeman exchange looks and mutually decide that they have to speed up. A lot. Otherwise, they’re going to get trampled upon by a kawaii-desu French vending machine.
Joe and Randall make it halfway down the hall, neck-and-neck. They’re moving at speeds beyond the scope of what an office chair is designed for, especially not these old-ass ones from a derelict promotion. It could be anyone’s game. Anyone’s Gentleman’s game, I mean.
Of course, there’s a difference between Joe and Randall in this situation: Joe has a weapon.
And as Joe catches up to Randall enough to be neck-and-neck with him, he points the exhaust of the extinguisher at him and engulfs him in a cloud of fire suppressants.
Randall crashes and burns into a series of production cases, and this allows Fontaine unfettered access to the finish line. Joe crosses the plane and raises his arms in the air in triumph.
Joe Fontaine: BOOYAH!
Yes, he did just shout that. He’s 21 years old, by the way.
Randall spends a lot of his time blindly trying to find his way to the finish line. Behind him, Kenny and Sid are racing to not get run over by the vending machine. Randall recovers just in time to see the vending machine coming, and decides… well, fuck that. He takes off running.
Everyone crosses the finish line, including VENDBERGE, but the Fabulous Gold Mask quickly loses control of the situation and continues running down the hallway, dragged along by the sheer momentum.
CRASH!
Joe immediately stops celebrating, his head turned in the direction Fabby and VENDBERGE had gone… and clearly crashed.
Joe Fontaine: Oh. Oh man. That’s a fine. That’s definitely a fine.
Sid, exhausted from the chase, shakes his head.
Sid Phillips: …His student loans are going to be outrageous by the end of this, isn’t it?
Joe turns to Kenny and Randall and holds out his hand for a handshake.
Joe Fontaine: Good game!
Kenny and Randall give a slow nod in agreement, and shake hands accordingly. Not to be confused with an accordion-ly, which is important because of what the Masters say next…
Kenny Freeman: So uh…karaoke contest for third round?
Randall’s eyes widen, realizing exactly the brilliant strategy being played by the sole Master of the Moscowverse that can carry a tune.
Joe’s smiling expression fades. If you look very closely, you might see him start breaking out in a cold sweat.
Joe Fontaine: Uhhh… sure! Yeah, sure!
Sid can only facepalm.
Sid Phillips: Well, we might get fined without causing any property damage for a change.
Joe tries to reassure his tag team partner that everything is going to be fine, just as the Fabulous Gold Mask runs across the screen.
Exit, pursued by Enemigos.
Cut, to ringside.